Sunday, August 31, 2008

More Than a Woman

I tried to call John McCain and ask him about his choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate. I got this message:

You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line, I mean hot line. All our advisers are busy explaining to Senator McCain that Sarah Palin will probably NOT agree to do the VP job for 75% of what he would have to pay a man. Your call is important to us, in proportion to your campaign contributions. Please hold for the next available spin doctor.

I go to the party and they’re all surprised to see
This beautiful lady, walking around with me
She hasn’t done much, but she’s on the right
And she looks wonderful tonight

For nearly two years now, she’s been Alaska’s head
She’ll take over the country, if I should wind up dead
People will ask me, “Will she do all right?”
I say, “Yes, she looks wonderful, tonight.”

You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line, I mean hot line. All our advisors are busy explaining to Senator McCain that Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper, are the names of Palin's children, not her sled dogs. Your call is important to us, in proportion to your campaign contributions. Please hold for the next available spin doctor.

This was not the VP I planned
Not my intention:
Someone naïve, not a man
But our convention
Needs a bump, someone new
To take Obama on
Now I can use her to
Get some attention

I picked a girl and they like it
She’s pretty and she wears lipstick
I picked a girl just to hype it
I know my party won’t mind it
Just as so long
As she’s far right
Don’t hurt that she’s quite a sight
I picked a girl and they liked it
They like it

You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line........

That's when I hung up.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Superstar Finale

Barack Appears at the Stadium

O bama
Hey bama, bama, bama O bama
Hey, bama O bama
DNC, DNC, please unite for me
bama, O bama
Hey superstar!

Gee, Barack, Gee, Barack
You talk the talk, can you walk the walk?
Gee, Barack, Obama
Do you think you’re all they say you are?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Superstar Act Three

Hillary addresses the convention:
(UPDATE: This was the speech Hillary had prepared. After I posted it, we had a little talk and she agreed she needed to deliver a more supportive message. That's why you didn't hear this last night)
I don't know why you love him.
How can I now support him?
I've been changed, I’ve been shortchanged.
I thought I owned this party for myself,
And you picked someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves you.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And we've had so many men before,
In that White House place
Why get one more?
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I bitch and moan,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, behind the fool,
I let Bill run the show.
He screwed me so.
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he made me VP,
I'd accept, I’d act flattered
I could do “hope”. I’ve lived in Hope.
I'd hide my pride, tuck it away
I would be next in line
I’d bide my time
I would be fine
I’d win next time

Monday, August 25, 2008


(scroll down to the previous entry to see act one)

The media hound Barack at the convention

What's the buzz?
Tell me what your platform is?. (Repeat 8 times)

Why should you want to know?
Do not ask about the taxes
Do not ask about health care
Save policy for tomorrow;
Put Ted on display up there.

What's the buzz?
Tell me what your platform is. (Repeat many times)

I could give you facts and figures.
Even give you plans and forecasts.
Even tell you where I'm going.

When do we pull out of the Middle East? (Repeat many times)

Why should you want to know?
Why are you obsessed with timing?
Times and dates I can deny.
If you knew the path we're riding,
You'd understand it less than I.

What's the buzz?
Tell me what your platform is. (Repeat many times)

Let me donate to your campaign a bit. (Repeat 5 times)

Groupie, that is good,
While you prattle through your news cast,
Where and when and who and how,
She alone has tried to give me
What I need right here and now.

What's the buzz?
Tell me what your platform is. (Repeat many times)

Jesus Christ, He's a Superstar

Just as the convention opens, Hillary Clinton takes Barack Obama aside:

My mind is clearer now.
At last all too well
I can see where we all soon will be.
If you strip away The myth from the man,
You will see where we all soon will be. Barack!
You've started to believe
The things they say of You.
You really do believe
This talk of You is true.
And all the good I've done
Will soon get swept away.
You've begun to matter more
Than the things You say.

Listen Barack I don't like what I see.
Like John says, You’re just a celebrity.
And remember, I've been waiting my turn all along.
You have set them all on fire.
They think they've found the new Messiah.
And they'll hurt You when they find they're wrong.

I remember when this whole thing began.
No You on top then, but maybe V P, man.
And believe me, my admiration for You hasn't died.
I never had any of that anyway
Far as I know, You are okay
I don't like You but, really, I tried
Hawaii, your famous son should have stayed a great unknown
Like His father herding goats He'd have made good.
On TV news, You'd look good, reporting the weather, man, in Your 'hood.
You'd have caused nobody harm; no one alarm.

Listen, Barack, do You care for Your race?
Don't You see You must keep in Your place?
We are Democrats; have You forgotten how far down we are?

I am frightened by the crowd.
My supporters are so loud.
They’ll abstain if You go too far.
If You go too far....

Listen, Barack, to the warning I give.
Please remember that I want us to live.
But it's sad to see our chances weakening with every hour.
All your followers are blind.
Too much change is on their minds.
It was beautiful, but now it's sour.
Yes it's all gone sour.

Listen, Barack, we're about to begin.
Please remember I've the best chance to win.
C'mon, c'mon
Give the nomination to me ...
C'mon, c'mon
Give the nomination to me ...

Friday, August 22, 2008

You Just Hold Out Your Hand

Was it just poor training that caused Darvis Patton to try to hand off the baton to Tyson Gay's foot?
Was it a jinx?
Is Darvis foaming at the mouth or is that a can of Redi-Whip, whipped topping in his hand from which he just shot a dollop into his face?
Or is he just happy to see Tyson?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?

Some years ago I realized that I could either write and perform comedy well or I could do accounting and finance well. I could not do both well - and, as I am sure you realize, that was the option I chose.
You only have to suffer the bad writing (like some long over-wrought, West Side Story/Brett Farve saga parody that few would want to slog through)you don't get to see the accounting.
Recently, though, I've been somewhat immersed in that part of my life, trying to maintain the delusion of my employer that I know what I'm doing.
So I have not been able to craft the hilarious bit about the Bengals rehiring Chris Henry (see "Legal Troubles"), not that anyone outside Cincinnati cares about that. And everyone inside Cincinnati is currently poised over the the PortiaLynn Commode, coughing up the last of their vain hopes that the Blue Fairy will ever turn Mike Brown into a real, live football owner; so they won't read this either.
Nevertheless, I will share my imaginary conversation between Coach Marvin Lewis who said that the Bengals have no use for Chris Henry and Mike Brown who is "The Redeemer".
Coach: Henry was arrested for assault.
Brown: He was cleared.
Coach: Only because it was a hung jury.
Brown: Chris didn't hang them, it was someone else. He just happened to be in the room.
And that witty observation could have been part of a very funny bit, if I had time.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Don't Wanna Discuss It

These were the "Other Stories of
Interest" on MSNBC the other day:
Why Edwards' campaign gave his mistress $14,000
Russia warns Poland over U.S. deal
Cubs top Braves despite Kotsay's cycle
Boyfriend gets 2 years in prison for killing cat
Analysis: War shows Putin still in charge - Exodus
Too young? Preteen girls get bikini waxes - Discuss
Jackson Browne sues McCain over song use - Pitfalls
Noisy sex gets man banned from home
Which of these did I find the most disturbing?
"Analysis: War shows Putin still in charge" has the entire story contained in the headline. It is mildly disturbing because it doesn't even merit the label "analysis"; it's more along the lines of "stating the bleeding obvious".
The story of the cat being killed by its boyfriend is disturbing but, once gays were allowed to marry, we had to expect that was the next step down the slippery slope.
The Cubs beating the Braves despite one of the players having "a visit from Aunt Flo" and the noisy sex man ban (who banned him? his partner? his cat?) both made me curious, though not enough to read the stories.
Jackson Browne suing John McCain over using one of songs worries me (see title of this blog). Bill even alerted me to this. It was the only headline I clicked on to read more about.
In the end, though, the most disturbing headline is "Too young? Preteen girls get bikini waxes - Discuss" Discuss? Gross. What sort of perverted chat site would that link me to? Still, what really disturbed me was the concept of "preteen" girls getting bikini waxed. Doesn't "preteen" sort of suggest that there is nothing there to wax? I don't want to discuss it.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wanted Dead or LIVE!

This is a sad story. I, in no way, want to make light of someone being killed, even if he was a politician.
What drew my attention to the story was a link that said "Arkansas Democratic Leader Shot Dead." "Shot dead" always sounds odd to me, possibly because I am the sort of geek who can slide right past the human tragedy and become obsessed the vagaries of English. If he had not died, there is no parallel construction to describe his condition: one can be shot dead or shot to death but never shot wounded or shot to woundedness. One can be shot and live to tell about it but one can not be shot live. Unless one is a reporter.
Reporters are constantly being shot LIVE! It bothers me when a reporter says, "So, Jim, thousands of people are dead as a result of this disaster and many more are missing and presumed dead. I'm E. Norma Stouchbag, LIVE, on the scene with Channel 1 News." To me, that has the same mocking tone as "I ha-ave ice cream and you-oo do-on't." It's "I-i'm ali-ive and you-oo are-en't."
What's the big deal about being LIVE, anyway? Maybe back in the day, when sending moving pictures through the air to a TV studio and broadcasting them through a TV box was akin to getting a competent leader to run for President (i.e. nearly impossible) it was worth promoting. But now when everything is broadcast LIVE, even when the reporter is standing in front of an empty building in the dark after whatever stuff that went down, already went down hours ago, it seems superfluous at best to announce it every stinking time.
Maybe every time a reporter says that from now on, they ought to shot to injury.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Fake Sky Walker

The Beijing opening ceremony was "enhanced" by insertion of animated, pre-recorded fireworks footprints. What is even worse is that the young girl with the beautiful voice was not the girl we saw. They put some "cute" little girl out there instead because "The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feeling and expression."
Now all the broadcasts emanating from the Olympics are being tested for image enhancing animation. Coverage of men's synchronized diving may be banned because "the announcers comments were enhanced with far more animated response than could possibly be generated by such an event."
NBC has been accused of misrepresenting Cris Collinsworth as an Olympic sport analyst as opposed to a football color commentator. However the network was cleared when it was determined that putting Collinsworth on the team does not enhance the presentation; it is more of a "doping" violation.

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Monday, August 11, 2008

Eat It!

I expect we will see this commercial a lot during the Olympics.

Cute, right?

Winning isn't everything. Sharing Happy Meals (R) together is much more rewarding than a trophy, right?

The message that came through to me is: maybe if the losers didn't eat so much junk food, they might be step quicker, a little stronger, and could have won that game. When you lose and someone says "Suck it up!", it does not mean "Cover your disappointment by scarfing down a load of grease and carbs," not that there's anything wrong with that.
(I had a big hamburger, some fries and a piece of bluebarry pie last night while sitting on my ass, watching the Olympics. Who am I to criticize?)

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

Daddy, Let Your Mind Roll On

I didn't know the name Erik Darling, so I didn't know why I cared that he died (via), until I read that he wrote the classic lyrics of "Walk Right In".
The coffee shops of the early 60s had jukeboxes with those pay boxes on the tables so you could select songs (10 cents each or 3 for a quarter) at your seat and then hang out for a couple days until they played.
I still vividly remember hearing that song during lunch at one of those coffee shop with my mother and sister (my sister will probably write a comment finding fault with my memory once again, as in, "it wasn't lunch, it was dinner" or "you weren't actually born yet"). We liked edgy lyrics like "Walk Right In", radical lyrics as in "Bread and Butter" by the Newbeats and rebellious lyrics like "Green Back Dollar", where they said "D*MN"!
Later in the 60's, when the Viet Nam war became serious and my contemporaries battled it with shock and awe doses of sex and drugs, the old "beat" folk songs seemed tame. But in in pre-war 1960, I was only about 6 years old and I didn't know a coffee house was not a coffee shop. But when I heard "Walk Right In", I knew wanted to be a beatnik and "lose my mind" daddy-o. I wanted to listen to driving folk guitar and bongo sounds. I wanted to be Maynard G. Krebs.
So, to Erik Darling, now that I know who he is, I say, let your hair hang down, daddy, and rest in peace.

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Friday, August 8, 2008

Brett's Side Story

Brett Farve to the Jets.
A couple days ago I recorded the Green Bay players discussing Brett's situation:
RIFF: (Spoken) Against the NFC Central we need every man we got.
ACTION: (Spoken) Farve don't belong any more.
RIFF: Cut it, Action boy. I and Baby John started with Brett.
ACTION: Well, he acts like he don't wanna belong.
BABY JOHN: Who wouldn't wanna belong to the Pack!
ACTION: Farve ain't been with us for over a month.
SNOWBOY: What about the day we clobbered da Bears?
A-RAB: Which we couldn't have done without Farve.
BABY JOHN: He saved our ever-lovin' season!
RIFF: Right! He's always come through for us and he will now.
When you've got Brett,
You've got Brett all the way
From his first touchdown pass
To retirement day.

When you've got Brett,
You’ve got butts in the stands,
You get Monday Night games,
Because Farve is the man!

When his pass is thrown,
It always gets connected!
At home or the road:
Your offense is respected,
You're well protected!

When you’ve got Brett
You’re the tops in Green Bay,
Which you'll never lose Brett
Till they cart him away.
When you've got Brett,
You stay with Brett!

(Spoken) I know Farve like I know me. I guarantee you can count him in.

BRETT: I’m out. Gotta get packin'.
A-RAB: Who’s gonna QB? Aaron Rodgers?
BRETT: I said I’d split if it’s him.
BIG DEAL: If it’s him, it’s a rebuilding season!
BRETT: (Innocently) I'm not taking a chance here! I'm not gonna challenge him.
PACKER GM: Great, then just go!
RIFF: So who’s gonna end up with Farve?
Oh, with the Jets I’ll get to the Super dance,
And I’ll still be dressin' in green pants!
’Cause when the Pack dissed me and the Jets inquired,
I was flipped, I was swaped, and I un-retired!

RIFF: (Spoken) That’s cool, tasty. suh-weet. Get goin’ off to New York then. And walk tall!
BRETT: I always walk tall!
BRETT: I’m a Jet!
BRETT: The greatest!
When you're a Jet,
You're the top team in town,
Okay, 4 and 11
But this year, the crown!

When you're a Jet,
You're a star on Broadway
Okay, maybe Jersey
But you’re out of Green Bay!

The Jets are in gear,
I’ll be like Y. A. Tittle
My late years are my best years
Unless my bones become too brittle!

Here come the Jets
Let the Pats go to hell.
Unless I throw it away,
Or I don’t feel so well!

Here come the Jets:
Let the Bills step aside!
Unless interceptions abound,
And my passing game’s died.

The offensive line,
Must protect me in the pocket
I get sacked a few times,
They’ll pull my joints from their sockets
If the line don’t block it!

Here come the Jets,
Yeah! And we're getting’ beat
Ev'ry last buggin' team
Knows that I am dead meat!
Fill the hole!
I am

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

What if God Were Two of Us?

If God had a name, what would it be?
Would she be a he or he be a she?
Rabbi Mark Sameth says that if you read the Torah backwards, it reveals that God has a dual gender. I found this hard to comprehend because the only way to read the Torah is backwards; it's written right to left.
What he's actually saying is that the Hebrew name for God, when read in reverse, makes the sounds of the Hebrew words for "he" and "she." He contends that it is intentional and that it is just one of many secrets in the Torah. "Jewish mystical traditions have long found levels of meaning in the Hebrew Bible beyond those that come from a literal or metaphorical reading." For example, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth", read backwards becomes, "Htrae eht dna snevaeh eht detaerc Dog gninnigeb eht ni." No, it actually says "Paul is fercockt".
Clearly Rabbi Sameth is on to something that could change the world: a Jewish "Da Vinci Code." Only it couldn't be Da Vinci - too goyisha. It would be the "Chagal Code."
But who would be the lead actors? Who is the Jewish Tom Hanks? Adam Sandler?
No, I'm not suggesting him for the role, I'm asking him for some Jewish actor names. "Paul Newman's half Jewish ... Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish..." Thank you, Adam; two fine actors but not even one whole Jew yet. I'm going for either Jake Gyllenhaal or Seth Rogen. Now we need the hot female who is also strong and independent. There's Jamie Lynn Sigler or Scarlett Johansson. No, wait, I think I've got the perfect pair: Daniel Radcliff and Amanda Bynes! They are two great actors, if it's backwards day.

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Stylin' Update

I told you about the style invitational. Here is an "honorable mention" award winner from week 772 (Translate a sentence or two of literature or other good writing so that "Los Angeles residents under 40" can appreciate it.):
Charles Dickens:"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way -- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

John Bunyan, Cincinnati, a First Offender:"Times were good, the L.A. Times sucked, some people were over 40, some were stupid, there were Republicans, there were Democrats, it was sunny in the afternoon, but there was early-morning low clouds and fog, we thought the Dodgers could win, we knew they'd be out of the playoffs, we shopped Rodeo Drive, we had nothing to wear, we were hitting the waves, we were working -- so basically, it was pretty much like now, and the critics kept writing reviews, good ones and bad ones, with big words no one really uses that really just meant 'great' or 'lousy.' "

It was too long to fit in the short, print version of the column, so it had no chance of winning.

There is a new contest every week. Try it out.

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Monday, August 4, 2008

Short Takes

Morgan Freeman injured in car accident. No word on Miss Daisy's condition.

Airlines are charging for baggage, for meals, for headphones and now Jet Blue will charge for a pillow and blanket "kit". Delta Airlines has announced they will begin charging extra for a silent seat companion. Southwest Airlines has withdrawn plans to collect a cover charge when their flight attendants deliver those popular comedic announcements, but they will be asking you to "tip your servers" and "try the cheap-ass cheese and cracker meal." On Continental, in the event of a drop in air pressure, oxygen masks will decend from overhead, if you have paid the deposit.

"Concerned that South Los Angeles residents do not have adequate access to healthy food choices, a Los Angeles City Council committee Tuesday unanimously called for a ban on opening fast-food restaurants in the area." Owners of Spago, L'Orangerie and Georgio Baldi are rejoicing. "Finally we can put some franchises in South Central LA. Up until now Mickey D's always had the jump on us. I'm pleased to see City Council finally give us a shot to play in the poverty market."

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Friday, August 1, 2008

One Pill Makes You Evil

Yesterday I saw this story on MSNBC and I thought that….

BUCKLES: This is Dan Buckles in New York, interrupting this blog for an important news bullet…..(TURNS PAGE)….in.
A Bush administration proposal aimed at protecting health-care workers who object to certain birth-control methods has escalated into a bitter debate.
The Department of Health and Human Services is reviewing a draft regulation that would deny federal funding to any hospital, clinic, health plan or other entity that does not accommodate employees who want to opt out of participating in care that runs counter to their personal convictions, including providing birth-control pills, IUDs and the Plan B emergency contraceptive.
But the draft proposal has sparked intense controversy.
For more on this story we go to Portia Lynn Commode, standing by, live, somewhere in New Jersey. Portia.

PORTIA: Dan. This is Portia Lynn Commode reporting live from somewhere in New Jersey. The controversy over health care workers wanting protection from having to deal with legal products in the industry they chose to work in has spilled over into other professions as well. Here at Satriales Pork Store, Jewish workers object to being asked to process, package and sell pork products for consumption. Nat Feldman had this to say:

FELDMAN: Pork is trefe. Jewish people have a moral objection to the eating of pork and we don’t want to promote it. When we refuse to do this, our employer threatens to fire us. We need the government to protect our jobs here at Satriales Pork Store. Now, excuse me, I want to get back to my lunch. My cheeseburger is getting cold.

PORTIA: There you have it, Dan, another case of people facing discrimination because of their beliefs or being coerced into delivering services they find repugnant.

BUCKLES: Thank you, Portia Lynn Commode. This just handed to me, a cold refreshing beer. Mmmmm. Oh, this also just handed to me. It seems there is a disturbance in a seedy neighborhood in Washington D……um….(SHUFFLES PAPERS)…C. For more on this, we go to Portia Lynn Commode, standing by, LIVE, somewhere inside a Hustler Sex Store. Portia.

PORTIA: Dan. This is Portia Lynn Commode, reporting live from somewhere in side a Hustler Sex Store in Washington D.C. Workers here are asking the Federal government to protect them from being forced to sell pornographic merchandise. Earlier I spoke to Brandy Champagne, inside some sort of performance room here in the store.

BRANDY: Some of us who work here at Hustler find pornography to be morally unacceptable. It not only exploits women, it leads to violent sex crimes. And it’s just naughty! I have refused to perform and I need the Federal government to protect me from being discriminated against here.

PORTIA: Dan, there seems to be a disturbance here between the manager and a customer. Excuse me sir…. Are you Senator Seymour Bussam?

SENATOR: Uh, no, no, I just look like him. Yes, that’s it, I hear that all the time. Little lady, are you an, um, employee, here?

PORTIA: No, Senator, I’m a reporter, doing a story, LIVE, about the workers refusing to be coerced into doing their chosen jobs.

SENATOR: It’s like an epidemic, isn’t it? I was just at the Turn the Page Senate Bar and Grill and a bartender refused to serve me because he said he finds alcohol consumption to be morally reprehensible. As a Senator, I mean if I was a Senator, I would put a stop to this Federal protection crap right now. In fact, since I can’t get what I want here, I may just go back to Congress and do tha--- ask my representatives to do that.

PORTIA: There you have it, Dan. Continuing controversy over A Bush administration proposal aimed at protecting health-care workers who object to certain birth-control methods, spilling over to professions across the spectrum in a story we call, “Take this job and rise above it.” Back to you, Dan.

BUCKLES: Thank you Portia, for that enlightening story. This is Dan Buckles in New ……um….(SHUFFLES PAPERS)…York. When news breaks out, we break up. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

(Dan Buckles is a Gary Burbank owned and operated character and the news premise is Burbank's also. Portia Lynn Commode appeared on his show as well, but she belongs to me.)

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Blubber, Mukluks, Gazebo!

I received this email from a poetic spammer:

roost creep appanage? dye, tonsil repetition.
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creep fecund.

All I can say is "Bulbous bouffant, macademia".

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