Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing airplane glue

Ladies and gentlemen, we have experienced a bit of a problem, which has caused our rapid descent from 13,000 feet to 7,500 feet. We haven’t flown at this low an altitude since Lindbergh was alive, so we hope you appreciate the historic nature of this calami - - er, plane flight.

We assure you that the flight crew is debating possible options for a workable solution to our distress and we may go lower before we regain our normal cruising speed. The pilots have positioned us over the Grand Canyon to provide the illusion of greater altitude and, in the event of a final free fall to oblivion, more time in which to proclaim, “We’re okay so far!”

Currently the Captain is arguing that we should try “jiggling the flappy things, to see if that reverses the nosedive or whatnot.” The copilot says “that’s ridiculous, we need to dump all the fuel to lighten up this puppy and make it go higher.”

While they work out the technical issues, the flight attendants will be passing down the aisles with beverages and tainted peanuts.

If you look out the window you may notice some of the first class passengers bailing out of the plane with free parachutes provided by the airline. The airline feels that it is the higher fares paid by these passengers that put this plane aloft in the first place. So, even though it was these same passengers lobbying the pilot to perform risky flying stunts that caused our current trouble, the airline does not want to lose their business.

The remaining first class passengers will be bailed out as soon as we convince them that, no, they do not deserve free drinks anymore, because they have been naughty.

Some of you in coach will soon be unceremoniously “bailed out” without parachutes, but that’s life.

You will notice that the pilot has turned on the "fasten seat belts" sign because that will give you all something to work on, occupy your minds and provide a temporary mood stimulus.

In the event of a crash, free soup will descend from overhead. You will be instructed to bend over, put your head between your legs and kiss your assets goodbye.

Now enjoy our in-flight movie, “The Grapes of Wrath.”