Amendments to the Constitution

This past election has left me bereft of hope and doubting the possibility of change. To reform our system, we need the following amendments to the Constitution.

An addendum to the first amendment:

AMENDMENT 1: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances, provided that the people’s speeches, signs displayed at assemblies and petitions shall be grammatically correct and all words contained in them shall be properly spelled. Furthermore, to retain their rights, the press must employ competent editors.

The only provisions in the Constitution about voting regard who may not be denied that right - we need a new amendment that says who should be denied that right:

NEW AMENDMENT 28: The right of a citizen of the United States to vote shall be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State if the citizen cannot clearly explain who and what he or she is voting for and give one good reason for doing so, or if his or her given reasons are based on lies, distortions or ignorance.

The italicized addendum to this article should be added to those regarding the qualification for Senator and Representative - and mandated to all the states as well:

ARTICLE 2, CLAUSE 5: No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States and who does not display a modicum of common sense, cannot clearly articulate the issues that citizens actually care about and cannot state his or her priorities in addressing those issues.

Now For a Public Radio Pledge Break

They left out mention of my man Juan Williams,
whom they fired for sayin' he's afraid of Muslims
on a plane, it's insane and it hurt his feelings,
but now he talks on Fox and he's makin' millions

Prince Willy's Engagement

Prince William's statement announcing his engagement:

Kate Middleton’s my very best girl; we got engaged to be married today
Kate Middleton is part of my world, if the Queen lets me have it my way
My father tells me if I love her or not,
I still have to get approval from my Nana
Kate Middleton’s a pretty nice girl, I don’t want her to end up like Diana,
Oh yeah, don't want her to end up like Diana

sounds sort of like this

Kosher Not OK in OK

There was a bit of a public tsimmis last week when Oklahoma discovered they might have outlawed the Ten Commandments along with Sharia Law. This week, however, officials in the Sooner state have come to terms with the situation.

“Those Commandments are a Jewish thing, anyway”, State Representative Chris Simon said with a shrug. “We’re don’t need their God telling us we can’t covet our neighbor’s wife. It’s un-American.”

The tablets brought from Sinai by Moses are not the only Jewish edicts that Oklahoma has banned along with Islamic laws; the constitutional amendment also barred rabbis from approving food preparation in accordance with Kashrut, or Kosher law.

“The Hebrew National people used to talk about their wieners answering to a higher authority,” Rep. Jones asserted; “well, that authority was not Jesus, and Jesus wants us to have pork in our wieners.”

Oklahoma police have been assigned to block rabbis from entering factories to oversee food preparation. Executives at Sooner Salami Works were arrested yesterday for perpetuating the practice of preparing their products following Kashrut. Rabbi Moishe Finkelman has been organizing protests of the Kashrut ban, but has not been able to stop enforcement.

Meanwhile Jewish Oklahomans have been ordered to cease separating meat and dairy products. Police have begun going house to house in Oklahoma shtetls and confiscating the second set of cookware and dinnerware kept by observant Jews.

“We can’t allow American dining decisions to be made under laws of some other religion or national origin,” Rep. Jones explained. It's not just Muslims we fear, coming in here and cutting off people's hands under Sharia law; we fear the Jews as well, coming here and taking away our shrimp and our pork rinds. I’m sure the Jews will understand if they just look in their hearts and ask how their savior, Jesus Christ would handle this.

A federal judge put a restraining order on the enforcement of the Sharia law ban. Jews are expecting to get a similar ruling soon. “We have all the lawyers,” rabbi Finkelman declared with chutzpah.

Happy Meal Banned in San Francisco

They have no heart in San Francisco
Banned Happy Meals at Mickey D’s
Though little children’s psyches are
Left traumatized and scarred,
Though tiny tots cry, “It’s unfair!”
They don’t care!
They plugged free trade in San Francisco
Like Happy Meals clog arteries
The People’s Republic of San Francisco
That Golden Gated community

The Producers II - Springtime for Haters

ACT I
Scene 1
Max Bialystock's apartment: Leo Bloom enters

BIALYSTOCK
Ah, Bloom, I'm glad you could come.

BLOOM
Hello, Max. It's nice to see you, but your message made me upset. You have a project? We can't work on a project together. As a condition of our parole ...

BIALYSTOCK
(Pats Bloom reassuringly)
Don't get hysterical, Leo, please. We aren't doing a play. It's a sort of political gig.

(Bialystock sits on a sofa. Bloom paces the room, clutching at a piece of blue blanket he has taken from his pocket.)

BLOOM
Political? When did you get involved in politics?

BIALYSTOCK
When I hooked back up with some of the women who invested in my plays. They are members of Focus On The Family and they are willing to keep 'patronizing' me if I keep quiet about our relationship.
(He rises and, standing behind Bloom, holds his shoulders to stop the pacing. He speaks softly in Bloom's ear.)
There are also some men in the group who would like to 'patronize' you.

BLOOM
Max! They are an anti-gay group. They are very clear about their opposition to my people.

BIALYSTOCK
Of course! The ones who protest loudest are the ones who have been taught to hate themselves for something they were just born with.
(Bialystock leads Bloom to the sofa. They sit)
Here's their problem. Focus on the Family kids are being punished for bullying homosexuals. The parents want to protest that punishment without making it seem like they support the kids' beating up gays.

BLOOM
Support it?! They encourage it!

BIALYSTOCK
(soothing Bloom)
I know, I know; but they can't be so openly hateful. So we have to come up with a public message they can put out to make it look like a positive thing.

BLOOM
Max, you know I can use the money; but I'm just an accountant. I don't know how to manipulate ... Wait a minute - I have used some twisted logic with the IRS before.

BIALYSTOCK
Good, you're in. Look, you know I don't like hard work. I've got a scheme.
(Bialystock grabs a stack of papers from the coffee table)
I've collected a series of absurd arguments the conservatives have used before. We just scan these and steal the best parts.

BLOOM
(picks up the papers and reads through them)
Here's one where Bill O'Reilly tried to stop people from saying "Happy Holidays". He called it a "War on Christmas". That's ...

BIALYSTOCK
(Takes some of the papers)
Absurd. Here's one. Conservatives start a campaign to "take back America". It's not clear from whom.

BLOOM
These people are crazy. Sarah Palin joins Fox News but continues to rail against the media as if she is not part of it now. When a judge calls California Prop 8, creating a state consitutional amendment against gay marriage, unconstitutional, Palin denounces the decision. She says the Founding Fathers never intended activist judges to overturn the will of the voters. Does she understand that the judiciary was set up by the Founding Fathers as part of the Constitutional checks and balances?

BIALYSTOCK
Here is a related one. Opponents of gay marriage say employers should be against it because they would have to pay health insurance premiums for the spouses.

BLOOM
Ha! by that logic, employers should oppose heterosexual marriage also.

BIALYSTOCK
Please. The word "logic' should not be allowed within a hundred miles of this garbage. Here's a recent one. Glenn Beck says conservative white people have to "take back" the fight for civil rights. I assume he means they want to take back the civil rights laws and return to the days when minorities and gays knew their place: hanging from a tree.

BLOOM
(excited)
I think I've got it! Focus on the Family needs to make themselves the victims, like in O'Reilly's war on Christmas scenario. Then they use code words like Palin's "activist" label that raises fear in the ignorant. Finally they spin the whole thing positive by "taking back" the fight against bullies, i.e. taking away protection of gays and lesbians.

BIALYSTOCK
Yes! Perfect! We say something like: "School officials allow these outside groups to introduce policies, curriculum and library books under the guise of diversity, safety or bullying-prevention initiatives. We feel more and more that activists are being deceptive in using anti-bullying rhetoric to introduce their viewpoints, while the viewpoint of Christian students and parents are increasingly belittled. This issue is being hijacked by activists. They shouldn't be politicizing or sexualizing the issue of bully prevention. We have to confront the gay agenda, which includes homosexual-themed curricula, books with sexually graphic content and anti-religion stereotypes, assemblies and celebrations. There have been several incidents in which religious freedom has lost out to the right of gay activists to promote their views."

BLOOM
That is too obvious. No one will think a group could seriously make that argument. "Guise of diversity"? Accusing "activists" of "being deceptive in using anti-bullying rhetoric" when Focus on the Family is a bunch of activists promoting anti-anti-gay-rights activity.

BIALYSTOCK
You can't underestimate the ignorance of the public. "Springtime for Hitler" should have taught you that. The Focus people will love it. Intelligent people will see through it and mock them, allowing them to feel even more victimized and attack the educated people for creating a War on Stupidity.

We Go To The Mattresses!

What's new in school fundraising?

Selling mattresses. Really.
A flyer went up at work today for a school selling mattresses to raise funds for the soccer team. And this is a deal being offered all over the country now.

This is great. No longer do the schools have to deal with wads of crumpled, nasty $1 bills from kids selling thousands of chocolate bars. No longer will there be confusing sheets of orders for overpriced tins of cookies or specialty candies. No longer will they lose vast portions of the funds raised buying cheap prizes for kids who participated.

Now one or two parents manage to sell a few mattresses and we're all set. The only thing to worry about is the risk of getting arrested when we steal the truckload of mattresses on its way to Target. then we make you an offer you can't refuse.

Tom Hagen: What did he say?
Sonny: What did he say,? "Badda-beep, badda-boop, badda-boop, badda-beep", he wants us to send Michael to sell chocolate and the promise is it’s “The World’s Finest”: so good people can't refuse. Ha.
Tom Hagen: What about Sally Foster?
Sonny: Ah, that's all over done. Candy and wrapping paper were sold by my father.
Tom Hagen: We ought to hear what they have to say, Sonny.
Sonny: No, no, no, not this time, Committee Chairperson. No more chocolates, no more wrapping paper, no more fund raising tricks. You give them a message from me. I want soccer money. And it’s not candy door-to-door. We go to the mattresses.

Pick Me Up!

My company participated in an event at Children’s Hospital yesterday. There were parents and kids there for a program on sickle cell anemia. Those families brought siblings and cousins with them and these other children needed to be entertained and fed while their families were going through the program. I ended up in the activity room for pre-K children; there were maybe 30 kids and 8 volunteers.

I learned that I still have the energy needed to entertain and play with a bunch of kids that age for 3 hours. We were with them for 3 and a half hours.

Some kids were very upset about being left there without their parents. I tried to comfort one little girl who was standing against the wall, crying. Next to here was a bag of children’s’ books so I figured maybe one would draw her interest and cam her down. I pulled out the biggest picture book and opened it to a two-page picture of a giant, hairy spider. Thanks for nothing, Eric Carle.

I re-learned a lesson I had forgotten about playing with kids. When the littlest one comes to you and holds his hands up, do NOT take his hands and help him bounce and jump really high. If you do it for him, every other kid will drop everything and scurry over to form a giant swarm of wiggling bodies and waving arms, shouting, “Do that for me! I’m next! Me! My turn!” and you have to lift and bounce every child in the room, over and over until you expire. And there is quite a difference between the cute, tiny, child you started with and the largest child in the room.

The kids were incredibly sweet and a joy to be with. I would do it again anytime … after my back and arm muscles and joints recover.

Emotional Rescue - the Movie!

I took a recent blog entry and turned it into a sketch starring me and my friend, Dr. Mize

How Do You Cause a Problem By Sharia?

There were a lot of options they had:
"Take a Letter Sharia"
"Sharia (I Just Met a Law Named Sharia)"
"How Do You Cause a Problem By Sharia"

"They" are the protesters of the Islamic Cultural Center approved to be built a few blocks from where the World Trade Center stood - I'm sorry, I meant the mosque being built directly on Hallowed Ground.

They were trying to write a song to explain why they are protesting the building and holding signs saying "SHARIA!", implying that that is a word of terror, when what it means is "the body of doctrines that regulate the lives of those who profess Islam".

But I've digressed. My point is that, with all those obvious songs to choose from, they chose a forgotten song from the 70s by Leon Russell called "Masquerade".
(the song lyrics dont come in until about 1:30 into the video)
Here are the lyrics they came up with:

We are really happy with the loaded words we say
Dealing out the hate cards we play
Stirring up emotion with a modern day Crusade
We’re causing a Mosque charade

A Muslim culture center built some blocks away
We label as a mosque on hallowed ground
We say “Obama’s Muslim, or at least he leans that way”***
We’re masters at the mind games that we play

This is an election year and so we must devise
A wedge issue that will divide
We cannot win with reason, so we carry on this way
We’re causing a mosque charade

You cite “religious freedom”, abstract words that hold no sway
You’re losing to the loaded words we say

We’re causing a mosque charade
And we’re causing a mosque charade

*** This is a clip from some craftily edited sound bites they put out
"Who's the leader of the club that hates the U S A?
B-A-R A-C-K O-B-A-M-A"

"Marxist, Muslim, Mosque-a-teer
Barack Obama's not from here"