Please Do Keep Me Synonymous

The Cincinnati Bengals have become synonymous with losing. Gary Burbank for years took calls from the Synonymous Bengal ("I happen to be one of the Cincinnati Bengals who most assuredly do want to remain synonymous so's not to besmirch my reparation, you understand") who epidermisized the haplessness of the team.

In 2002, second-year receiver, young TJ Houshmandzadeh was used as a kick returner and he often returned the ball ... to the kicking team via a fumble. TJ was not the team's biggest problem, but when I wrote this song, which Synonymous sang, about that awful year, TJ became the tag line.



TJ was so embarrassed by this satiric thrashing that he vowed to become the most reliable receiver on the team and one of the top pass catchers in the league. He achieved that goal and became my favorite player.

I am posting this now because TJ will soon leave the Bengals and get big bucks from some real team out there somewhere. He tells me his only regret is that he will not have me around to motivate and inspire him with my humiliating mocking of his weaknesses and mistakes. I am using my #84 jersey to wipe away my tears. I am also waiting for him to send me some of the money he gets because I made him what he is today.

"Pass-grabbers may not be gone"

That was the title of this article in the Cincinnati Enquirer about Bengal wide receivers Chad Ocho Cinco and TJ Houshmandzadeh.

The sub-headline, referring to the Bengals' head coach, states:

"Lewis hopeful Houshmandzadeh, Ocho Cinco will remain Bengals"

That was edited down from the original which read:

"Lewis hopeful Houshmandzadeh, Ocho Cinco will remain Bengals - wishes he had any say in the matter"

Those of you from Cincinnati - long-suffering fans of the team run by Mikey-Boy Brown - know what I mean.

The rest of you, who thought I was going to make some comment about "ass-grabbers", will have to create your own jokes in the comments.