Sources: Obama to be New Norwegian Leader

Hot Freak Style News – Oslo, Norway – Sources inside the Norwegian government are reporting that Barack Obama will take over as King of Norway on January 1, 2010. The story is being reported by the AP, on CSPAN and in the Oslo Enquirer. President Obama has flown to Norway is is thought to be finalizing the deal today.

Speculation has centered around Obama for weeks as Norway seeks to replace their current monarch and return to a role as a world leader in inspirational speeches. Obama has succeeded at every level of government in speaking eloquently and intelligently, most recently restoring the Democratic Party’s goal of having a health care reform bill brought to the brink of success before its expected failure on a national stage at the end of the year. Obama is also known to be at odds with American freedom and democracy, aspiring instead to rule as a benevolent Socialist monarch.

Other world leaders have been mentioned as candidates for the Norway job. Hugo Chavez has managed to get Venezuela mentioned prominently in world news recently but his reliance on fear and intimidation is thought to be inconsistent with Norway’s ideals. Moammar Khadafi was thought to be the favorite at one point but his failure to deliver a coherent speech at the UN last year dropped him from consideration.

Obama did agree to a four-year contract with the United States just over one year ago. However, his contract had an escape clause if the Norway Throne were offered to him. The King of Norway is considered the pinnacle of government leadership among rulers in the Western hemisphere.

Cabinet members were expecting Obama to speak with them directly about the move in a private meeting before the official announcement. However, Obama left for Norway without having such a meeting. Some of the cabinet members were recruited by Obama’s predecessors, most by Bill Clinton, and, while they hold an allegiance to President Obama, they are not as emotional about it as those members recruited by Obama himself. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner broke down in tears when asked his reaction to the expected announcement.

The Lillies of the Field Neither Toil Nor Spin - But Reporters Do

When my daughter was about 9-years-old, we bought her a fish tank and, to make it more interesting, we bought a fish. We didn't know that we had bought a "married" fish, but we found out when the fish had babies. Shortly after the widdle fishies were born, they began to disappear. One day we had 10 fish babies, the next day only 5 and then 2. (Swim, widdle fishies, swim if you can! … Damn!) We managed to save the last fish baby from the cannibal mommy.

This was an obvious teaching moment. It taught my daughter to be careful around her mother, especially before meals. I wish we had found the way to make this traumatic incident into a sign of hope instead of a harsh reality, but we didn’t know how.

Much too long after the fact, I have finally gained that insight, thanks to the news people. The AP is reporting that only 11,000 US jobs were lost in November, the lowest monthly figure since 2007 and they tell us that “this raised hopes for a sustained economic recovery.“ Clearly, what I should have told my daughter on the third day of Fish Horror was, “Look, Allie, the mommy fish ate fewer of her own precious babies today than the last two days. That means we’ll start seeing babies reappear tomorrow.”

A few years ago the murder rate in Cincinnati declined in one year compared to the previous year. In particular, the number of gang-related homicides dropped. The police interpreted that as a sign that their efforts to reduce crime were working. I took it as a sign that, after gang members kill each other, there are fewer gang members left to kill. When all the jobs are gone, we will finally see zero job losses in one month; but we won’t know it because all the reporters will be unemployed. But surely the total lack of jobs can lead only to prosperity, right?

The slow decline in the rate of fish consumption in Allie’s tank did not predict new fish appearing. The only common factor in the eating and the birthing was that the Mother was involved. The economy giveth jobs and the economy taketh them away but one doth not predict the other.

The other strange element of the AP story is that 11,000 jobs were lost in November and yet the unemployment rate dropped. How can that be?

The unemployment rate they are using counts people who are looking for work and can’t find it. So it can drop in one of two ways: those people find work, or they stop looking. 11,000 job losses can’t mean people found work. So we have to conclude that more than 11,000 people stopped looking. (The number of people in the unemployment office went down, not the number of unemployed). They either decided rather than be “unemployed” they would be “retired” or “dead” or probably they took a job in the economy-which-is-not-officially-measured: drug dealing, prostitution, lottery ticket buying or reality show seeking.

People keep saying the economy is about to turn the corner. But which way are we turning? If you get mugged and robbed on the street, don’t let some reporter tell you that means prosperity is just around the corner. Be prepared to defend yourself when you reach the corner because, if you turn the wrong way, you might meet another mugger … or a hungry mommy fish.

Crash Into Me

Six days after reality show star wannabees, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, crashed a state dinner at the White House, they continue to get their names and faces in every news and entertainment medium; and I do mean EVERY medium: on iTunes you can download Bing Crosby’s new Christmas tune, “Michaele and Tareq Salahi is the thing to say, on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day.”

The saga seems destined to continue endlessly and now they want their adventure to become a book, which would then be turned into a 3D animated movie by Pixar.
I flipped around the cable news stations and this is what I heard today:

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Wecome back to Hardball. My guests are Republican Senator Mad Redface and Democratic Congressperson Whiney Holdhisbreath Blueface. Gentlemen, Here’s what my question is, because after all these reports I have a question, and I want you to answer it, after I ask it, and here’s what it is, do you think the Secret Service should be punished?
REDFACE: Well, I ...
MATTHEWS: Because a lot of people are saying they should. But who’s to blame. I mean, that’s my question, and I’m just saying, I’m asking.

CLICK

GRETCHEN CARLSON: You're back with Fox and Friends. You know what? Did Obama bow? I bet he bowed to these people.
STEVE DOOCY: Given everything we know about him, I’m sure he did.
CARLSON: What kind of a name is Salahi?
DOOCY: It’s a weird, crazy name. Tareq Salahi? They’re illegal alien Muslims.
CARLSON: He’s turning us into an alien Muslim country and bowing to them.

CLICK

KEITH OLBERMANN: Bill O’Reilly reported that some New Yorkers at the party got bombed at the bar and he suggested that therefore the Salahi’s were connected to 9/11. And for that, Bill-O is today’s ... woorrst person in the wooorrrld.

CLICK

GLENN BECK: The fact that no one is raising this question shows that there is a coverup. The Salahis knew where Bin Laden was hiding but the Secret Service didn’t ask. Am I the only one who sees this?

CLICK

MATTHEWS: The couple posed for pictures with Joe Biden. The wife is pretty hot, in my opinion. Look at her with her hands on Biden. According to Biden, the Obama team had set up a website for people to report that they weren’t invited but the Salihis didn’t understand how to use it. What do you think? Was it Biden or Obama or do you think the secret service is at fault?
BLUEFACE: Are you done?
MATTHEWS: Yes
BLUEFACE: Okay I think...
MATTHEWS: Sorry I’ve got to cut you off. We’re out of time

CLICK

CAMPBELL BROWN: On CNN News we did some investigative reporting and we have graphics and magic boards showing that the Salahis wanted to be on real housewives of DC. We’re here with JohnnyB who claims to be an expert on wanting to be a reality show.
JOHNNYB: I want to do a show about being a CPA and a comedy writer.
BROWN: A totally bizarre combination.
JOHNNYB: Exactly. I've been trying to become famous on that premise for years. These Salahi yahoos go to a party uninvited and you can’t turn around without stepping in their fame. I wrote great comedy for a well known radio star for years and couldn’t even get a mention in his biography.
BROWN: Some radio guy failed to mention you in a book? That's your story?
JOHNNYB: Yeah.
BROWN: So you are not really an expert, you’re just bitter?
JOHNNYB: Maybe.

CLICK

OLBERMANN: While your critics rail against you, you, Mr. President, stood up for the right of everyone to have health care and now you stand for the right of every American to attend a state dinner, opening up our government to all who are hungry…

CLICK

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: Fox News has just received a startling 911 phone recording.
OPERATOR: 911. What's your emergency?
MAN: Oh God, I think my son just crashed a state dinner.
OPERATOR: You think he did or he did?
MAN: I don’t know. He was hanging around the function and I was trying to work on this reality show I'm developing and then the state dinner started up and we can’t find my son.
BOY: Can I come out yet dad?

CLICK

OLBERMANN: That’s it for November 30, day 6 of the coverage of the state dinner party crashers.

Number 1 Golfer’s Club Injured In Late Night Incident

Hot Freak Style News – Orlando, FL - One of Tiger Woods’ championship golf clubs was reported injured during an argument between the golfer and his wife early Friday morning. Neighbors reported that golf pros riding carts equipped with sirens woke them at about 3 a.m. as they rushed to care for the damaged club.

Former model Elin Nordegren was said to be teed off with her husband over reports of an affair he had with sexy Manhattan hostess and VIP diva, Rachel Uchitel. Tiger is known to favor women with foreign names who also happen to be smoking hot.

Initially the couple told police that the club was in the back of their SUV and was damaged when Woods was pulling out of the driveway at 2 a.m. to “hit the driving range” but instead hit a fire hydrant and a tree. Investigators say that the injuries to the club were not consistent with a fall from a vehicle. “The damage matches the pattern of scratches and bends occurring when a jealous wife swings the club at her husbands car. Happens all too often in Florida,” said the club forensics expert from the Orlando police department. "It appears she also bashed the windows of the SUV, making a hole in one," he added.

Officials are keeping the condition and identity of the club confidential. One wonders if Woods’ wife would wield a wood and whether Woods was wounded. Perhaps his spouse preferred to pursue and pummel the player with his prized putter for purportedly playing a round with his paramour.

Rumors suggest that the club with which Woods’ wife whacked her wandering husband was also involved in the liaison with the hostess/whore. However, photos of the two together reveal that Uchitel was present both when Tiger was sporting his wood and when he was stroking his putts, so it remains a mystery which of his sticks he was struck by.

It is also unknown whether Tiger's balls were involved in the fracas. Fans hope the situation can be ironed out. Hot Freak Style News will continue to follow the story.

Breakfast At Realities

I met my friend Giddy Golightly at Mom's Country Cholesterol and Vegan Home Style Diner. She pushed aside her Watermelon Wellness Frappe to get a better angle on my fried chicken and waffles. Mumbling around the forkful of my breakfast stuffed in her mouth, she said, “Just got back from Heidi and Spencer Pratt’s interview.

“Are they dead?” I asked.

She considered it and replied, “No. They didn’t seem to be.”

“I thought you were on the celebrity death desk at E! Entertainment Network.”

“I know. Right? But when nobody dies, they make me cover other stories.” She stabbed a hunk of ham steak on my plate and introduced it to her teeth. Her yogurt sat fermenting. Heidi and Spencer told us about their new book, ‘How to be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture.’"

“In the Twilight Zone episode titled ‘To Serve Man’,” I told her, “it turns out the aliens’ book is not a manual on how they can make our lives better; it is instead a cookbook.”

She looked up, a crumb of biscuit in the corner of her mouth. “Seriously? You don’t even say, ‘spoiler alert’?”

“Some fringe celebrities plan an event to promote a book with ‘Playing the Press’ right in the title? Could they be more obvious?”

“The book tells people how to be famous. Everyone wants to be famous.”

“Steve Martin used to do a routine called ‘How to earn one million dollars and never pay taxes. First,’ he said, ‘get a million dollars.’ Heidi and Spencer can’t tell people how to get famous – they can tell people how to stay famous – you just sucker the press in. Heidi and Spencer don’t even know if their own lives are real or a TV show.”

“Hello! They are on a reality TV show. Reality has the word ‘real’ in it. Except you don’t say REAL-it-ee, you say re-AL-it-ee. Why is that?”

“Because of the liberal media, I guess. Look, I have never watched ‘Laguna Beach’ or ‘The Hills’, the MTV semi-reality vehicles that spawned the Heidi-and-Spencer-Pratt entity. My daughter used to watch those shows and I was in the room, but even hot, young woman on the beach couldn’t make me look or listen. So I guess I shouldn’t judge them.”

“Exactly. And they want to help people like you understand them. They explained that ‘The Hills’ only focuses on a small part of their lives, they want a new show to reveal everything that happens to them.”

“If you hold two mirrors facing each other, you get a reflection of infinite nothing. That would be the result of a reality show about reality show stars who became stars by being in a scripted reality show.”

“This is an important cultural phenomenon. Like Heidi said, ‘You don't get to see our everyday lives and what we do’.

“That is the exact purpose of my life. That is my reason for doing everything that is NOT watching Heidi and Spencer. The philosopher Berkeley said we can’t know if people exist; we know only that we perceive them and can talk only about what we perceive. I don’t want to perceive them. Berkeley should be known as the father of the reality show.”

“Why be a hater? The Pratts were like the best part of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ last season.”

“’I’m a Celebrity, get me out of Here’ is like Charon’s boat on the river Styx. It carries the deceased to the underworld and they never return to life.”

You are Mr. Stupid Analogy Today, aren’t you? Are you going to eat that bacon or turn it into some pseudo-intellectual pop culture commentary?” She grabbed it before I could answer.

She was right, but it still hurt my feelings. I decided not to tell her about Gilligan’s Island being based on the Greek myth of the underworld. The Skipper was Hades and Gilligan was his three-headed dog, Cerberus. The Castaways were carried across the water to the central marsh and unable to ever leave. Gilligan’s Island was a spinoff from the Twilight Zone and a metaphor for Hollywood celebrity – the first reality show. But maybe that was just the bacon/sausage/cheese/egg/jalapeno/biscuit talking.

The Rapture of Indian Summer

Disappearing rain forests and melting ice caps be damned! I am enjoying the climate changes in Cincinnati. We had two warm, sunny autumn weekends in a row. That doesn’t sound like much to you but, in Cincinnati, that miracle is like unto finding a chocolate chunk shaped like Jesus in your Graeter’s mocha chip ice cream.

We’re here in the middle of the country, so the coming floods, famine and pestilence that are soon to destroy the coasts will likely take years longer to get here, just like fashion trends. So we did not concern ourselves with global climate upheaval this past lovely weekend: I wore shorts and my “Ohio State Dad” t-shirt to rake the leaves and we enjoyed lunch on the sidewalk table outside the European Café, basking in the emissions from passing cars.

They call this Indian Summer, which I am sure is some kind of insult, like “Indian giver.” This web page tells how the term Indian Summer traveled to the UK where “Indian” was mistakenly thought to refer to people from India as opposed to those from America, who were themselves mistaken for people from India when misguided Europeans stumbled onto our shores. An irony wrapped in ignorance inside of xenophobia.

Speaking of Indians, “A nearly two-decade legal challenge by Native American activists to the nickname of the Washington Redskins came to a close Monday when the Supreme Court declined to review the group's last loss in federal courts.” You might think the tribes would also challenge the name “Native Americans”, seeing as they were natives before this was America. You might also think that giving up a racist sports team name would be a fair trade for the natives not bringing the genocide thing to trial – an even better trade than the Manhattan deal – but you would be wrong.

Football is important to our culture and economy. A team name, mascot and logo is big business and the Washington team has deeply invested in theirs, giving “Redskins” a tremendous intangible value. You can’t overturn a corporation’s right to profits just because somebody's feelings are hurt. Sticks and stones and all that.

Football is this important: “The University of Cincinnati plans to borrow $9.7 million to start construction on several athletic practice fields on its main campus. To be completed by fall 2010, the fields are a critical factor in UC’s strategy to retain football coach Brian Kelly.” On top of the millions they pay the coach of a COLLEGE team, they are borrowing millions in an uncertain economy in order to entice the coach to honor his contract. The thing is, they will get it all back in sales of tickets, team merchandise and TV rights because we love our football (that includes me) We’re also going to get a big fancy casino in Cincinnati. Despite the financial and other crises in our country, we are all about the bread and circuses here, particularly if the bread is a bun wrapped around a hot dog and smothered in chili and cheese.

Football is this important: A letter to the editor of the Cincinnati Enquirer says, “Notre Damers, quit picking on coach Charlie Weis. There is nothing he can do because it’s out of his hands. God has intervened and is repaying Notre Dame for bestowing an honorary degree on pro-abortion President Obama.” Charlie O’Leary’s god is a vengeful god. Also a little meshugah. Wouldn’t it have been easier to stop the university from bestowing the degree rather than to engineer a last minute touchdown for Michigan? I mean, have you seen how bad Michigan is this year? Getting some of these lousy teams to beat Notre Dame is a tough job for God. But punishing the football team may be the only thing the people of South Bend will understand.

Besides, much of the evil we see, the honorary degrees to Barack Obeetlejuice and Indians challenging corporate greed, is the work of Satan. Satan is among us and we may be soon to see the final showdown between Devil and God. I wonder if we could book it in our new college football stadium? Football is our religion, after all (college football being generally played on God's first Sabbath).

Yes, we are seeing global climate disaster, wars and rumors of wars and other signs of the apocalypse (Bengals sweep Steelers; UC Football in top 5). But while the world goes to Hell around us, my wife and I will sit on the sidewalk in front of the European Café and enjoy out gyros and souvlaki, thankfully relieved of the polluting traffic as all the righteous people of Cincinnati will have been taken to Heaven in the Rapture.

It's Likely Among the Worst Stories Ever

“At age 77, Richard Ramsey is likely among the oldest people in the U.S. to undergo a sex change operation.”

It was awhile before I could read past the first sentence of that story. It wasn’t because I am a guy and most of us would shudder at the thought of cutting off our most prized body part. It wasn’t for any discomfort with the transgenders among us who choose to do so.

My problem was with the reporter who butchered his story with the lamest opening in history. Ramsey is “likely among” the oldest to have a sex change? Likely among? Likely AMONG?!

If Ramsey is NOT among the oldest ever, you don’t even have a story. No, actually, you have a HUGE story. A 77-year-old is among the youngest to get a sex change operation? "Stop the presses! Jonesy, get on this right away. Old folks having sex change - hey, maybe they're so old they don't even know it's happening to them. This could be a pulitzer!"

Of course Ramsey is among the oldest. Why not write, “Being in the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI is likely among the leaders of the Catholic religion.” or “Large, brown and hairy, Smokey is likely among the species of animals who shit in the woods.”

I am the one who should really be ashamed. I read a story from AOL news. I’m sorry. It just popped up when I opened my im.

When I saw the link to the REAL story, I clicked over. The Philadelphia Inquirer reported “Ramsey, … is likely the oldest person in the United States to have surgery to change genders, experts say.” AOL added the word “among”.

I often criticize news stories that appear to have gone in without editing. In this case, AOL News (I know, not a real news agency) actually did edit the story ... to the point of stupidity and beyond. To be “among” the oldest, all that is necessary is to be over the median age. If half the people who have a sex change operation are under 30 and half are older, Ramsey is among the oldest – the word “likely” becomes totally superfluous.

I imagined the conversation that went on in the AOL story meeting resulting in slicing the relevance from the lead sentence and inserting “among”:

EDITOR: Geez, Johnson – your story here ... I gotta cross my legs and hold my hands in front of my pants when I read it.

JOHNSON: Freaky, huh?

EDITOR: Gripping. Really. I got one problem, though. How do we know this guy – girl – whatever - is the oldest guy to have his noodle whacked?

JOHNSON: That’s what the Philly Inquirer said: he’s likely the oldest, according to experts.

EDITOR: Likely. Yeah, how do we know how expert these guys are? We can’t just repeat that if we’re not sure. We got the integrity of AOL News to uphold.

JOHNSON: You want me to look up how many old geezers had a plumbing job?

EDITOR: We don’t have budget for that. I’m just saying, I mean, I read somewhere about a guy who cut off his own thing when he was 99. Abram, or Abraham or something. Then he did his own son. Sickest thing I ever heard about. Can’t remember where I read it.

JOHNSON: Huh. Well ... you wanna kill the story?

EDITOR: No, it’s got a great hook. That lead is gonna make guys shudder and then click on the story. Let’s do this: Let’s say this transgentile guy is “among” the oldest to ever unlink the sausage.

JOHNSON: “Among”?

EDITOR: You know, part of the group. There could be older guys, but he’s up there. Like saying Eli Manning is among the top rated quarterbacks. It isn’t too precise. You don’t have to know – and you can’t get in trouble when the Giants lose 4 in a row.

JOHNSON: Perfect. I don’t know how you do it, boss.

EDITOR: It’s why I make the big bucks. Let’s knock off for lunch. I got a craving for hot dogs.

BOTH: HA HA HA HA.

I'll Have What She's Not Having

Carrie Prejean says, "I did not have sex with that woman."





"See, nothing in this hand."

Light Up This Guy Like a Flame

Recently we watched the original, 1980 “Fame” movie about a performing arts high school in New York which was remarkable because there was only one gay kid in the entire collection of dance, theater and music students.

Montgomery MacNeil’s homosexuality is not just presented as an anomaly; he reveals it as his response to the theater class assignment, “tell us your most painful moment”. Montgomery explains to his classmates that his therapist told him the condition is “probably a life choice”. Monty morosely relates that he is “getting a lot of help” and he is amused by the irony of being “gay” when it dooms him to a life of never being happy. His parents were divorced and he tells about going someplace with his mother, where it was “like we were lovers.” What!? The creepy factor totally obscures the outdated implication that not having a male role model may have led him to his “life choice”.

This was the attitude about homosexuality 30 years ago; imagine what the attitudes were a decade earlier – when I was in junior high school.

When I was 13, we had a sex education assembly at school. Dr. Agee talked about many things including that then taboo subject. We were all giggling, when suddenly she said something that hit home. And this is the only thing I remember her saying that day: “it is unclear how homosexuals get that way, but one theory is that boys who grow up in female dominated households become gay”.

My parents were divorced and I lived with my mother and older sister. Sitting through the rest of that lecture in a cold sweat, I realized that female domination was like a poison, slowly turning me gay. Back in the 60’s, we didn’t have any gay, prime-time role models like Elton John or Rosie O’Donnell or even movie characters like Montgomery MacNeil. All we had was Liberace - and they didn’t acknowledge his sexuality. I would ask my mom, “Why does that man dress all sparkly and talk funny like that?” She wouldn’t answer me, she’d just switch the channel to Gomer Pyle USMC, and say, "There, watch that Jim Nabors fella. He’s a Marine."
(Surprise, surprise, surprise, when it turned out Jimbo was gay.)

So my family situation was making me gay and I didn’t know exactly when it would happen. It could happen slowly, or the swish might be flipped overnight.
The fact that the girls in school, sporting their new, perky breasts in soft, fuzzy sweaters caused me to have an erection did not entirely reassure me. I was 13 years old – the mechanism was still getting calibrated - a bowl of oatmeal could give me an erection. I needed a way to know for sure what I was.

So, what I did, I kept a stack of Playboy magazines under my bed and I would periodically test myself to see if I could still have a “complete” experience with the centerfold. There were frequent pop quizzes. One day I did 12 separate tests – January through December – all home runs -- but as I started through the batting order a second time, my fears were confirmed. No reaction. I tried holding the magazine in the other hand. Nothing

The next day I pulled out the magazines to say goodbye and, I don’t want to go into detail, but clearly I was hetero again. Apparently it switches back and forth. That’s what that one guy told me in college.

Nevertheless, the rest of my life, despite my lack of attraction to men and despite my positive experiences with women (including marrying one and fathering another) I still have lingering doubts and I look for signs.

The things that worry me are:
I don’t fix my own car or even change own oil
I don't read in the bathroom and I often pee sitting down.
My life is still dominated by women.
I still REALLY like oatmeal – I don’t know what that means.

The main thing that proves that I’m a heterosexual man is that I have retained the skills I developed with those Playboys: my hands are strong and I can work a remote -105 cable channels in a 5 minute commercial break and back to the show I’m watching, without missing a second, baby.

The shows I watch now have more openly gay characters than those we saw in the 60s or even the 80s. I haven't seen the new "Fame" movie; I hope it has a more enlightened portrayal of gay people. In the United States today, a lesbian can grow up to be the daughter of a (former) Vice President. However she can't marry her mate. Maine just became the 31st state to officially reject same-sex marriage.

Baby hold me tight
Cause you can make it right
You can shoot me straight to the top
Give me love and take all I've got to give

I feel it coming together
Let us give marriage a try
Gay!

San Francisco, Here I Come

So they reopened the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge today and somehow I managed to be at the front of the line. Well, what happened was, I was in the line for the alternate route, my car just idling while I perused the tabloids in the rack (btw, Kate Gosselin is pregnant with Roman Polanski’s baby) and I was the first to notice the Caltrans guy standing at the Bay Bridge entrance, waving people over as he opened the lane and booted his register.

I rushed over there, but, just before driving onto the bridge, I froze up. I looked left and right and all the lanes were blocked by drivers apparently as hesitant as I was. The guy next to me was glancing around too. We made socially awkward eye contact and then both rolled down our windows. The horns behind us were threatening, but we didn’t move.

“You gonna cross?” he asked.
“Yeah, but you can go first.”
He had both his hands extended, clutching the top of his steering wheel. He looked out at the bridge and pursed his lips, shaking his head slightly, side to side. “You know who fixed the bridge?”
“Who?”
“Same guys that fixed it last time. Same guys that installed that cable that fell off.”
“Anyone can make a mistake. These guys have to check and double check everything.”
He looked over at me again. “What do you do? I mean for a living.”
“I’m an accountant. CFO of a large professional firm.”
“So you’re an experienced, competent accountant. Ever make a mistake on a financial statement? – even after double checking it?”
“Of course.”
“But the financial statement didn’t collapse, sending hundreds of people into the bay.”
“Right. That’s why I’m still sitting here. But you know what?”
“What?”
“The guys behind me are thinking the same thing. If I take off, they are going to wait a bit to see what happens to me. If it’s not good, maybe they get a cool cell phone video to post on YouTube. Meanwhile, by itself, my little Ford Focus (**pardon the product placement **) probably won’t break the bridge. And, if it does, I figure I’ll be ahead of the collapse, so … see ya.”

Russell Daniels of the AP captured my sprint across the bay. Since I haven’t heard otherwise, I’m assuming those behind me made it okay.

Asst A.G. With E.D. is SOL in S.C.

When a man can’t hang out at the cemetery with a stripper on his lunch hour without having his emergency sex toys questioned by police, then, well, then I don’t know what.

“COLUMBIA, S.C. -- A deputy assistant attorney general who said he was on his lunch break when an officer found him with a stripper and sex toys in his sport utility vehicle has been fired.

Roland Corning, 66, and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery. Corning gave (police officer) Wines a badge showing he worked for the state Attorney General's Office. Wines, whose wife also works there, called her to make sure Corning was telling the truth.”

Wait. What? The police officer called his own wife to rat this guy out? If the poor man had said he worked at the hardware store, would the cop have checked that out? The whole story sounds like the plot of a Coen brothers movie.

“He then searched the SUV, where he found a Viagra pill and several sex toys, items Corning said he always kept with him, ‘just in case’.”

Okay, who doesn’t keep that stuff handy? I go down the checklist before every trip to the store or the cemetery: Sex toys, jumper cables, Viagra, flashlight and popcorn popper, you know, just in case.

“Corning and the woman were let go without charges. Wines' wife reported the call to her supervisor, who told Attorney General Henry McMaster. ‘We received credible information about inappropriate behavior Monday afternoon,’ McMaster said Wednesday. And by the close of business, he was no longer working here."

He was in a secluded area of the cemetery. If the cop doesn’t start calling his family about it, no one knows. THAT’S the inappropriate behavior.

“Such a trip to the cemetery ‘would not be appropriate, at any time, for an assistant attorney general,’ McMaster said.”

Really? Is that in the employee manual? “Do not go to the cemetery with a stripper.” Besides, he was the deputy assistant A.G. Is he held to the same high standard as the assistant, A.G.?

The girl was 18; they both were released without charges (i.e. there was no crime committed) and he was at lunch. Viagra is not a controlled substance. So the man needed some help to get himself a, uh, “5-dollar footlong”, if you will, on his lunch break. So what? I need caffeine to get up in the morning. If I drink it at the graveyard with an exotic dancer, is my next stop the unemployment line?

“South Carolina has had its share of scandal lately, most notably Gov. Mark Sanford's disappearance in June. His office told reporters he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, but he was really in Argentina visiting his mistress.” On the state’s peso!

And the governor still has his job. The 66-year-old deputy assistant D.A. with E.D. does not. Are they running out of politicians in S.C. to pin scandals on? Come on, the guy was not even an elected official.

Todd Snider said it all:

All of my neighbors are all up in arms
About something they saw on TV.
Seems some politician got busted for something
That won't make any difference to me.
I'm sure it's all true, and I'm tired of this, too
But I can't pray for someone to fall.
Let all them people do what people do
I'm just happy to be here at all

I'm happy to be here to vote randomly
On who ought to take the next dive.
I'm eager to see what the downfall will be
And all the hilarity on Saturday Night Live.
You know, mostly it's all scandal TV these days.
That's where the real money must fall,
Down from the smog of some Hollywood haze
I'm just happy to be here at all.

I'm happy to be here
I'm happy to be
Happy

6-Year-Old Missing! But Don't Worry, It's No One You'd Care About.

NBC, msnbc.com and news services
updated 13 minutes ago
FORT HARLEM. Colo. - After the runaway legal charges against the media riveted the nation and led to a frantic photo opportunities by authorities who feared a 6-year-old child was getting undue attention, the focus on Friday turned to whether the entire drama was an elaborate public attention-deficit disorder symptom.

The drama began Thursday morning when Roberta Watkins called police to report that a neighbor had seen her son taken off the street by a man driving a battered Oldsmobile 88. Tapes of the 911 call captured the subdued pleas of the mother as she politely requested police to try and find the vehicle and her son.

WATKINS: Can you help me find the boy?
911 OPERATOR: Look, we’d like to help, but there’s been budget cuts and layoffs and we just don’t have the manpower. I’ll put out a call, and as soon as the officer’s get back from following that kid in the balloon, we’ll send someone out.
WATKINS: Kid in the balloon? What the hell are you talking about?
911 OPERATOR: Oh, for Christ’s sake! Turn on a T.V., woman!

Watkins tuned in to coverage of the search for the Balloon Boy, which prompted her to contact the local television news stations in nearby Fort Collins. Tapes subpoenaed by the network news to later try and cover their own asses, show that the local reporters did take a call from Watkins. Those tapes were played on the Today show as reporters defended themselves against the subsequent legal charges.

WATKINS: Can you send news helicopters to help search for my boy, like you did for that other child?
NEWS DESK JOCKEY: Really? A kid in a car? A story with an experimental, homemade balloon has legs. A car I can’t use. Besides, I mean, a balloon, we can follow. You want us to look for a car?
WATKINS: It’s a battered Oldsmobile 88. There ain’t many of them around since “Cash for Clunkers.” It oughta be easy.
NEWS DESK JOCKEY: How many kids you got?
WATKINS: Thirteen.
NEWS DESK JOCKEY: Really? Are they all adopted refugees? Or do you have any sets of quintuplets or higher?
WATKINS: Why?
NEWS DESK JOCKEY: Newsworthy doesn’t start any lower than 5 at a time now; and even that’s passé. Eight is more of the threshold these days. Have you ever been on a reality show for any reason?
WATKINS: No. The building next door has been. Some gay dudes from the ‘burbs bought it and their whole remodeling project is on some cable show on “Logo” or “Lego” or some crap.
NEWS DESK JOCKEY: Really? Bravo would be better. I don’t know, maybe we can use that as a hook. We can’t just put stuff on the news, you know. It has to get ratings. Let me check with my bosses.

Watkins enlisted neighbors to start searching for her son. When neither police nor media showed up to help, she remembered something she had picked up in a local hair salon. It was the business card of Al Sharpton, with a phone number and the message: “Sometimes the system is fucked up and shit needs to be stirred. Call me, if you need me.”

Watkins called Sharpton, who engaged Bernard Siegal, the attorney who then brought charges of child neglect and child endangerment against the Fort Collins local television stations and all network and cable news behemoths. Siegel also sued the entire American viewing public for conspiracy to ignore a helpless child in trouble. A media event was arranged, and thus, ironically, the defendants in the lawsuit reported on their own perp walk.

This morning on “Today” Matt Lauer, Meredith Vieira and Ann Curry interviewed each other about what they called “unwarranted allegations” brought against them.

LAUER: The boy wasn’t even cute.
VIERA: Nor exceptionally bright. Or handicapped.
CURRY: What were people supposed to identify with? What would pull at their heartstrings?
LAUER: And it turned out to be nothing. His father had picked him up to take him somewhere to do something.
VIERA: His mother just goes, “Oh yeah, the boy’s daddy does come around sometimes. I didn’t know he had a car, so I didn’t know it was him.”
CURRY: And to top it off, it wasn’t even an Oldsmobile! It was a Chevy!
LAUER: Anyway, the whole thing was local news responsibility. We’re in the clear.

The American public has stated that, “The balloon boy story came up first. There’s only so much we can invest our empathy in and there’s only so many ribbons we can stick on our cars. Hey, look! We’re on the Today Show!” They then filed a counter suit against Collins for defamation of character. A judge today threw out that claim for lack of evidence.

MSNBC reporters charged that the story was a hoax started by the 911 operator in order to get funding for more police officers in Fort Harlem. The operator has appeared on Hardball, Countdown, and various other news shows, talking about the controversy. Fox News has passed off the ordeal as just another example of the “Obama Nation” trying to control the media and destroy free speech. CNN, meanwhile, ran 12 hours of coverage for the new hit movie, “Paranormal”.

This reporter had eaten a bad burrito the day before and has been in the bathroom the entire time, so don’t look at me.

The Huffing-glue Post

Barack Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Tim Tebow supporters claim the Florida QB was best candidate out there. Ever.

NASA bombs Moon, claims space probe killed number 2 Al Qaeda leader. Intelligence reports that Osama Bin Laden was hiding in Sea of Tranquility prove to be false.

Sports Shorts

DO YOU KNOW ME?
Serena Williams verbally abused a line judge who called a foot fault on her at a crucial time in her match. Serena reportedly said either ``You better be [expletive] right! You don't [expletive] know me! You're lucky I'm not shoving this ball down your throat!'' or,``If I could, I would take this [expletive] ball and shove it down your [expletive] throat!''

After the match Serena said, "She says she felt threatened? I've never been in a fight in my whole life, so I don't know why she would have felt threatened.'' Serena went on to say, "She thought I was serving the ball when I stepped on the line? I don't know why she would have thought I was serving. She thought I stepped on the line with my foot? I don't even have feet." And how the woman didn't know the details of Serena's life of non-violence, I'll never understand.

THE BENGALIST
You know the movie "The Soloist", where Jamie Foxx plays a brilliant musician whose mental challenges unfortunately prevent him from reaching success with his talents. In his next movie, Foxx could portray the Bengals who had great plays today on both sides of the ball but, as always, ran away from opportunity and lost it completely.

THE MILLION MANIAC MARCH
This isn't sports related but it seemed to go with outrageous, unreasonable responses and with mental challenges.
If you are ironically correct for the wrong reason because you didn't pass History ("More Czars than the USSR") or you are careless and/or ironically ignorant ("Thanks Fox News for keeping us infromed") or just spouting meaningless psychotic delusions (Obama is the Anti-Christ) how can you expect rational people to even listen, much less agree with you?



Because McCarthyism is a shining example of our government staying out of people's personal lives.

What's The News, Across the Nation?

80% of U.S. schoolchildren can NOT identify our President. We lead the world in school-child ignorance about who our leaders are. Let's not blow that; keep us Number One! Don't let President Obama address our students.

Many think that investigating top officials of our government for involvement in torture and other war crimes would be too distracting when we have so many other challenges facing this country. After all, those officials are now out of office, they can't unilaterally start any more unjustified wars and spend all our money on them. This makes sense to me. There's a guy in Georgia who just killed 7 family members. They're all dead now and I am sure Georgia has more important things to deal with. Let's leave that poor man alone.

Cincinnati City Council made a last-minute save that prevented huge pay cuts threatened for members of Cincinnati City Council. By offering police officers the opportunity to work their essential, dangerous, full-time jobs for lower pay, Council avoided slashing the part-time, self-promoting, frivolous jobs the City Council members.

Know When To Hose 'Em, Know When To Fool 'Em

The constitutional amendment to allow casinos in Ohio will kill puppies and kittens.

If you want to get people to vote against something, there are two proven methods:
1) Tell them it will raise their taxes.
2) Tell them it will hurt some innocent, pitiable victims.
If you go with option 2, the harm you claim does not need to be factual; people will not read the actual proposed law, they will believe what you say if it creates a perception that there’s a threat to their family (including pets)..

A recent example is the charge by some that the proposed health care legislation would establish “Death Panels” to decide if your grandparents should die. A catchy phrase that people can repeat always helps put the argument over. “Weapons of Mass Destruction” was another recent driver of policy.

Locally, in Ohio we have a new example of the “Pitiable Victim” strategy. “Foes: Casino plan hurts church festivals” (I lied about the puppies and kittens). Notice that the victim is not the Church; it’s the Church Festival, your source of summer fun, inflatable rides, beer and gambling.

Universal health care sounds good until you realize it means killing those family members we can’t afford to take care of. Casinos bringing in tourists and tax money sound good until you realize you can’t play Texas Hold ‘Em in the church parking lot next month. (And also when you realize that everyone else already has their own casinos so we’re just losing our own money). Festivals are a big deal around here, killing festival gambling might be worse than killing grandma.

Gambling is not specifically named as a sin in the Bible (I’m counting on you all not having actually read the document) but love of money, greed, coveting another’s money are all bad things in either the Torah or the New Testament Bible. Probably in the Koran - I mean - I am sure in the Koran also. So I figure the priests and ministers of the churches don’t organize the festival and probably avoid the events so as not to have to toss the moneychangers from the Temple … er, Church.

Those same religious leaders can’t actually push this initiative to protect gambling at church (possibly because it’s a lie, which is one of the commandment even priests follow). So the leaders are probably not the “Foes”; who is? It is “opponents including ‘church groups’…and attorneys for TruthPAC, a casino opposition group financed in part by horse tracks.”

Ah, the horse tracks. I am not cynical enough to suggest that it is the horse tracks who would be hurt most by the existence of casinos and that they just fabricated this “Demise of the Church Festival” story to divert our attention. Wait. Yes I am exactly that cynical, and more!

The basis of the claim is that “The very last paragraph of the proposed six-page constitutional amendment states that lotteries and bingo would not be limited by passage of the casino issue”. The contention is that church Monte Carlo nights, poker games etc. would be banned because they are not specifically mentioned. . I don’t really know if that’s true; I haven’t read the proposed amendment. But, if it is, the amendment would likely outlaw other forms of gambling not specifically mentioned, like life insurance and stock investments.

I Heard the News Today, Oh Boy!

Clear, concise communication was in critical condition after a confrontation with a local newscaster last night.

First the reporter read this headline,

“A man drowned after a swim in a Boone County lake this afternoon.”

How ironic would that be, for the man to swim in a lake and then go drown somewhere else? The man more likely drowned while swimming in the lake, not after.

Okay, I suppose you could argue that the man had stopped swimming – if he had kept swimming, he wouldn’t have drowned. So, technically, yes, he drowned after swimming. I would have let the reporter get away with that if it hadn’t been for the other story he read the same way.

He reported that

“an elderly woman was killed after her car collided with another vehicle on route 53.”

Oh my god, what happened? Did the people in the other car get mad and shoot the old woman? Did the paramedics arrive and say, “Uh oh, looks like the old girl broke her leg; we’re gonna have to put her down.”?

It turns out that she died after the collision but was essentially killed by the collision, not killed after the collision.

Whoever wrote those stories made the reporter look stupid after he read them.

Myth Debunked: At Woodstock They Weren't Really Stardust or Golden

Having just summarized 1969 (as I remember it), I had to check out this article “Debunking Woodstock: What really happened?” Mainly I was curious. What “myths”? This was Woodstock, not Roswell, or Bigfoot.

“Drugs and nudity were rampant, food was scarce and traffic was hell. Oh, and there were several deaths and births. Those are some of the myths that have been passed down over the years about the Woodstock Music and Art Fair, which happened 40 years ago this weekend, Aug. 15-18, 1969.”

Are those myths? Tall tales, perhaps or exaggerations, maybe. My assumption that the author doesn’t grasp the definition of “myth” is supported by his equally loose hold on “debunking”, which, to him, consists of having someone tell him a different story.

“… Howard Loberfeld, who attended at age 15, (says) ‘I went with a sleep-away camp…and every one of (our parents) called the camp and said ‘Get my kid out of there! We heard there’s deaths, we heard there’s no bathrooms, we heard there’s no food and we heard there’s drugs!’’ … Loberfeld says, he and his buddies ‘just noticed a lot of music, a lot of fun and a lot of community.’ OK, so there were drugs, as Loberfeld found out when some long-haired dude walked by him yelling “Reds! Reds!” But he was so young and naive, he thought the dealer was talking baseball: “I remember thinking: he’s a Cincinnati fan.’’ When Loberfeld and company were forced to cut their festival stay short because of parental concerns, ‘We were quite angry and we told our parents that we don’t know what the New York media was saying, but we didn’t notice any of that stuff,’ he says.

These kids go to camp thinking, "camp sucks, why do I have to go, my parents hate me," and the end up at the greatest music event of all time… with drugs …and nudity. Here's the conversation Howie had with his folks:

Hello Muddah, hello Faddah
Uh, yeah, I’m at, Camp Granada
Well okay, but, please don’t you flip
They took on a special sort of field “trip”

Don’t believe the, New York media
And the drug tales, that they feed ya
No, I’ve not seen, LSD here
But I’ve seen flying purple lizards wearing rain gear

Don’t take me home, oh, Muddah, Faddah
Or make me go, back to Camp Granada
Just leave me at this farm where, I swear,
I don’t see those women swimming bare

You know when they got to sleepaway camp, the older counselors said, “Screw this hiking and s&!#, we’re taking these nerds to Woodstock. Sex, drugs and rock and roll, baby!” Then they threatened some horrible consequences if the kids ever told what really went on.

Howie’s claim of naiveté about drugs sounds like today’s baseball players denying they took steroids and, even when they did, they thought it was vitamins. It’s like Bill Clinton saying, “I tried marijuana but I didn’t inhale.” Howie Loberfeld is probably hiding his youthful drug use and nudity at Woodstock because he’s planning to run for some Republican political position – he’s already learned to blame stuff on “the New York media.”

The “reporter” also tries to debunk stories of nudity by quoting Bonnie Geffen, who says she never got naked. You know that if Facebook had existed at the time, every ones of these liars would be totally busted by the pictures which would still be floating around the internet.

You know what might have helped the reporter with this story? He could have just rented the movie. The drugs, the nudity, the food scarcity; that was all there. The death was not, but that was confirmed. All that’s left is the birth. Maybe that didn’t happen. Who really knows?

After all, “if you can remember Woodstock, you weren’t really there.”, which may be the case for both Howard and Bonnie, speaking of debunking myths.

Wild Cherry, Wild Myths

In an attempt to reform my own personal care of my own personal health (before some government bureaucrat comes between me and myself) I have been using yogurt instead of doughnuts to stave off the 10 a.m. hunger attacks. I eat Yoplait fruit flavors, but I often get sick of the artificial sweetener taste – except when I eat the Very Cherry, with that “cherry” flavor that does not exist in nature: the cherry flavor that brings back the sticky, red sweetness of Smith Brothers cough drops.

Smith Brothers cough drops were an important part of the health care system we had when I was a child. It was a system firmly based in the free enterprise, capitalist economy. We knew that, if we got sick, Vicks, Smith Brothers, St. Joseph and others were there to restore our health without relying on the demonistic insurance industry or the socialistic government.

Now, as I understand it, what is being debated in Congress is not actually health care reform but reform of our system of access to health care. This is not limited to providing watered-down, government cough drops and vapo-rub to the millions uninsured. Republicans have also revealed that the Democrats plan would also introduce health care rationing (no. 6 under "coverage"), a restrictive element that does not exist under our current system of supply, demand and insurance funding.

A more disturbing change embedded in the current Democratic health care reform bill is the provision that requires old people to end their lives early (see fact # III) Again, this is troubling because that practice belongs in the free market, with tobacco and fast food companies, not with some communist government stooges.

These types of un-American policies are to be expected from a President unfamiliar with our culture because he was born in another country - Obama was born in Kenya, this I know, because the Birthers told me so. (see fact I) They have not yet produced a birth certificate to prove it, but I have faith that they will soon.

Getting back to Smith Brothers, these men played a little-known but important role in our economy beyond their selfless dedication to curing scratchy throats. In doing my research on them I found this website featuring one of their ads. The blogger here says, “The Smith Brothers have first names! I never knew that.” Of course they had first names, they were “Trade” and “Mark” as indicated on the packaging. This is the origin of the legally registered product names we now call “trademarks.” (Similarly an early edition of the Brothers Karamazov listing their first names, Copy and Right, on the cover led to the legal form of protection for written material.)

Coincidentally the first ad on that site is one imploring parents to protect their child’s right to keep and bear Daisy rifles. Sadly, 50 years later the Obama administration has taken away our BB guns, claiming we would put our eye out (see fact XII). Once more, the visible hand of socialism has smacked the invisible hand of capitalism and robbed us of freedoms in a way that, back in the 40s, happened only in isolated autocratic places in our country.

The third ad on that page is about Ronnie Morlock who, after being voted the most popular boy because of his shoes, disappeared from the face of the earth. I believe Ronnie became despondent when Thom McAn stopped making their shoes in America. Morlock undoubtedly moved to some other country like Canada where they still manufacture their own goods and they aren’t being ruined by government health care and gun control.

A long day of calling Rush Limbaugh to complain about these atrocities has made my throat raw. Oh, for a box of Smith Brother cherry flavored lozenges!