Crash Into Me

Six days after reality show star wannabees, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, crashed a state dinner at the White House, they continue to get their names and faces in every news and entertainment medium; and I do mean EVERY medium: on iTunes you can download Bing Crosby’s new Christmas tune, “Michaele and Tareq Salahi is the thing to say, on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day.”

The saga seems destined to continue endlessly and now they want their adventure to become a book, which would then be turned into a 3D animated movie by Pixar.
I flipped around the cable news stations and this is what I heard today:

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Wecome back to Hardball. My guests are Republican Senator Mad Redface and Democratic Congressperson Whiney Holdhisbreath Blueface. Gentlemen, Here’s what my question is, because after all these reports I have a question, and I want you to answer it, after I ask it, and here’s what it is, do you think the Secret Service should be punished?
REDFACE: Well, I ...
MATTHEWS: Because a lot of people are saying they should. But who’s to blame. I mean, that’s my question, and I’m just saying, I’m asking.

CLICK

GRETCHEN CARLSON: You're back with Fox and Friends. You know what? Did Obama bow? I bet he bowed to these people.
STEVE DOOCY: Given everything we know about him, I’m sure he did.
CARLSON: What kind of a name is Salahi?
DOOCY: It’s a weird, crazy name. Tareq Salahi? They’re illegal alien Muslims.
CARLSON: He’s turning us into an alien Muslim country and bowing to them.

CLICK

KEITH OLBERMANN: Bill O’Reilly reported that some New Yorkers at the party got bombed at the bar and he suggested that therefore the Salahi’s were connected to 9/11. And for that, Bill-O is today’s ... woorrst person in the wooorrrld.

CLICK

GLENN BECK: The fact that no one is raising this question shows that there is a coverup. The Salahis knew where Bin Laden was hiding but the Secret Service didn’t ask. Am I the only one who sees this?

CLICK

MATTHEWS: The couple posed for pictures with Joe Biden. The wife is pretty hot, in my opinion. Look at her with her hands on Biden. According to Biden, the Obama team had set up a website for people to report that they weren’t invited but the Salihis didn’t understand how to use it. What do you think? Was it Biden or Obama or do you think the secret service is at fault?
BLUEFACE: Are you done?
MATTHEWS: Yes
BLUEFACE: Okay I think...
MATTHEWS: Sorry I’ve got to cut you off. We’re out of time

CLICK

CAMPBELL BROWN: On CNN News we did some investigative reporting and we have graphics and magic boards showing that the Salahis wanted to be on real housewives of DC. We’re here with JohnnyB who claims to be an expert on wanting to be a reality show.
JOHNNYB: I want to do a show about being a CPA and a comedy writer.
BROWN: A totally bizarre combination.
JOHNNYB: Exactly. I've been trying to become famous on that premise for years. These Salahi yahoos go to a party uninvited and you can’t turn around without stepping in their fame. I wrote great comedy for a well known radio star for years and couldn’t even get a mention in his biography.
BROWN: Some radio guy failed to mention you in a book? That's your story?
JOHNNYB: Yeah.
BROWN: So you are not really an expert, you’re just bitter?
JOHNNYB: Maybe.

CLICK

OLBERMANN: While your critics rail against you, you, Mr. President, stood up for the right of everyone to have health care and now you stand for the right of every American to attend a state dinner, opening up our government to all who are hungry…

CLICK

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: Fox News has just received a startling 911 phone recording.
OPERATOR: 911. What's your emergency?
MAN: Oh God, I think my son just crashed a state dinner.
OPERATOR: You think he did or he did?
MAN: I don’t know. He was hanging around the function and I was trying to work on this reality show I'm developing and then the state dinner started up and we can’t find my son.
BOY: Can I come out yet dad?

CLICK

OLBERMANN: That’s it for November 30, day 6 of the coverage of the state dinner party crashers.

Christmas With Bob Man

At my daughter's Bat Mitzvah service, I read some lyrics from "Forever Young". I told her they were from the great Jewish poet Robert Zimmerman because she didn't like Bob Dylan - well, she didn't really know if she liked Bob Dylan or not, because she couldn't get past his voice.

That's so unfair. Do I tell her that Dane Cook is a lousy comedian because he's not funny? (Yes, I do). But people shouldn't put artists in a box; who's to say what "good" singing is? Bob Dylan is the voice of the people and the people are raspy and untrained.

The great Jewish poet Robert Zimmerman now has a Christmas album out. I was alerted to this by al in la (his name is Al and he lives in LA).

When Gary Burbank was alive, I used to write songs for his radio character, Bob Man, who sounded a great deal like Bob Dylan. Coincidentally, Bob Man has a Christmas album coming out also. Here are a couple samples:



BOB DYLAN'S WHITE CHRISTMAS DREAM:

While riding on a train going west,
I fell asleep for to take my rest.
I dreamed a dream that featured snow,
On a white Christmas like the ones I used to know.

With icy leaves, the tree tops glistened
For sleigh bell sounds, the children listened,
Ten thousand dollars for your days to be bright
I’d give that, to make your Christmases be white.


BALLAD OF A FROSTY MAN

You run down the streets of town
With your broomstick in your hand
Though the sun is baking
You say, "Let’s laugh and play, man."
A cop says stop
But you pass his raised hand
Are you fairy tale
Or a jolly soul?

Because, something is happening here
Since that hat went on your head,
Frosty, man of snow.


Given the mess of Christmas, Judaism, and Dylan in my history, the Bob Dylan Christmas album would make an excellent Christmas or Hanukkah gift from my daughter, don't you think?

(The "Hard Snow" album cover is not mine, it's from here.)

If you don't know the tunes, you can listen here:

See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me

Gold Bond claims that their “Gold Bond Ultimate healing Skin Therapy Lotion” heals dry problem skin. When I heard their ad I immediately put that on my shopping list because I have dry problem skin on my right hand. Ha… and … ha; I hear what you are thinking. No, it’s because I prepare most of the meals around here and I clean up the pots and pans and kitchen counters afterwards. Do not be bringing your nasty thoughts into it.
The skin on one finger of my hand is particularly chapped and cracked – or it was. That lotion did actual heal the skin up, which other lotions never had.
It can’t be that Gold Bond’s healing lotion is so different from other lotions. I checked the ingredients on another brand my wife bought that never helped my skin. It contains, “Water, glycerin, dimethicone, petroleum, cetyl alcohol, stearyl alcohol, and so on, etc.” I looked at the Gold Bond Ultimate healing lotion. It contains, “Water, glycerin, dimethicone, petroleum, cetyl alcohol, stearyl alcohol, and so on, etc., Jesus, and trace amounts of other deities.” Ah ha! JESUS!
I figure the “other deities” are there for fragrance and color and it is the Jesus that causes healing. Sure enough, the other Gold Bond Ultimate lotion (softening) contains the trace amounts of deities but no Jesus.
But ingredients are always listed in descending order of quantity. Why is Jesus the next to last ingredient: why is there so little Jesus in the lotion? I figured if they increased the Jesus and cut the water, that lotion could go beyond dry skin and heal burn victims. With enough Jesus in the lotion, the blind could walk and the lame could see. But no – I realized (an epiphany)- for healing you need just a touch of Jesus.
Okay, I get that, but how do they have a product with Jesus AND water and NOT have the water turn into wine? It’s a FREAKIN’ SCIENTIFIC MIRACLE! That’s what it is.
Reading a little further, I noticed the advisories:
“WARNING: Keep out of reach of small children and atheists. If applying to a Jew, test lotion on an inconspicuous area first because it may cause burning and/or conversion.”

I don’t care-uh - and I am not worr-ied-uh.
I am throwing caution to the wind.
I am healing my blistered skin!
Brethren and sistern, I love this lotion
I testify to my devotion.
If you would like to get some of this miracle cream, send your love offering to the Little Blog Church of the White Creamy Gospel Truth.
Don’t make me holler, don’t make me shout.
Turn them pockets inside out.

Can I get an ame-lujah?

Barack Star Trek

Many years ago, Gary Burbank satirized Papa George Bush with bits about “Bush Man”, a superhero parody of Batman. It was fun to write and Gary did a great GHW Bush voice. He also did H. Ross Perot perfectly, which caused all his writers to vote for Perot so we could write 4 or more years of Perot bits (which we did even though Perot lost). If Gary was still on the radio, I would be tempted to vote for McCain, just because Sarah Palin is fun to parody and her manner of speech seems easy to write ... and mock. None of the other candidates have that quality to the same extent.
I have gotten a little better feel for the cadence of Barack Obama’s speech, particularly his pauses. If I were to try and write out how he would voice my previous post idea, it would be close to this:
John … Governor Palin did stand up to … corrupt members of her own party … and kick them out…for which I applaud her. Uh, you…Senator…have indeed gone up against…your own party members…and I admire that. So … John…why would I stand up … and oppose those leaders of my party…whom you have reached across the aisle to…and embrace those Republicans … whom you and Governor Palin…have found to be … corrupt and wrong? It doesn’t make sense.
It still needs work, but in listening to him, I realized that Senator Obama’s speech cadence is the same as that of Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. (Though Barack’s cadence may be that of Capt. Kirk, the timbre of his voice is more like Spock.) Thinking about Barack as Kirk, I noticed another thing: John McCain is Dr. McCoy: “Dammit, Barack, I’m a war hero, not an economist!”
“McCain … we are beaming down … to an unexplored planet … named Alaska, where … we will meet a woman … who … serves no other purpose … than to look good.”
“Dammit, Barrack, there’s one thing troubling me about this mission.”
“What is it … John?”
“Why am I wearing the red shirt?”

One Pill Makes You Evil

Yesterday I saw this story on MSNBC and I thought that….

BUCKLES: This is Dan Buckles in New York, interrupting this blog for an important news bullet…..(TURNS PAGE)….in.
A Bush administration proposal aimed at protecting health-care workers who object to certain birth-control methods has escalated into a bitter debate.
The Department of Health and Human Services is reviewing a draft regulation that would deny federal funding to any hospital, clinic, health plan or other entity that does not accommodate employees who want to opt out of participating in care that runs counter to their personal convictions, including providing birth-control pills, IUDs and the Plan B emergency contraceptive.
But the draft proposal has sparked intense controversy.
For more on this story we go to Portia Lynn Commode, standing by, live, somewhere in New Jersey. Portia.

PORTIA: Dan. This is Portia Lynn Commode reporting live from somewhere in New Jersey. The controversy over health care workers wanting protection from having to deal with legal products in the industry they chose to work in has spilled over into other professions as well. Here at Satriales Pork Store, Jewish workers object to being asked to process, package and sell pork products for consumption. Nat Feldman had this to say:

FELDMAN: Pork is trefe. Jewish people have a moral objection to the eating of pork and we don’t want to promote it. When we refuse to do this, our employer threatens to fire us. We need the government to protect our jobs here at Satriales Pork Store. Now, excuse me, I want to get back to my lunch. My cheeseburger is getting cold.

PORTIA: There you have it, Dan, another case of people facing discrimination because of their beliefs or being coerced into delivering services they find repugnant.

BUCKLES: Thank you, Portia Lynn Commode. This just handed to me, a cold refreshing beer. Mmmmm. Oh, this also just handed to me. It seems there is a disturbance in a seedy neighborhood in Washington D……um….(SHUFFLES PAPERS)…C. For more on this, we go to Portia Lynn Commode, standing by, LIVE, somewhere inside a Hustler Sex Store. Portia.

PORTIA: Dan. This is Portia Lynn Commode, reporting live from somewhere in side a Hustler Sex Store in Washington D.C. Workers here are asking the Federal government to protect them from being forced to sell pornographic merchandise. Earlier I spoke to Brandy Champagne, inside some sort of performance room here in the store.

BRANDY: Some of us who work here at Hustler find pornography to be morally unacceptable. It not only exploits women, it leads to violent sex crimes. And it’s just naughty! I have refused to perform and I need the Federal government to protect me from being discriminated against here.

PORTIA: Dan, there seems to be a disturbance here between the manager and a customer. Excuse me sir…. Are you Senator Seymour Bussam?

SENATOR: Uh, no, no, I just look like him. Yes, that’s it, I hear that all the time. Little lady, are you an, um, employee, here?

PORTIA: No, Senator, I’m a reporter, doing a story, LIVE, about the workers refusing to be coerced into doing their chosen jobs.

SENATOR: It’s like an epidemic, isn’t it? I was just at the Turn the Page Senate Bar and Grill and a bartender refused to serve me because he said he finds alcohol consumption to be morally reprehensible. As a Senator, I mean if I was a Senator, I would put a stop to this Federal protection crap right now. In fact, since I can’t get what I want here, I may just go back to Congress and do tha--- ask my representatives to do that.

PORTIA: There you have it, Dan. Continuing controversy over A Bush administration proposal aimed at protecting health-care workers who object to certain birth-control methods, spilling over to professions across the spectrum in a story we call, “Take this job and rise above it.” Back to you, Dan.

BUCKLES: Thank you Portia, for that enlightening story. This is Dan Buckles in New ……um….(SHUFFLES PAPERS)…York. When news breaks out, we break up. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

(Dan Buckles is a Gary Burbank owned and operated character and the news premise is Burbank's also. Portia Lynn Commode appeared on his show as well, but she belongs to me.)

I find them morally objectionable but go to Humor-Blogs.com and vote for my entries.

Mutual Admiration society

The brilliant Bill Brohaugh has critiqued and even recommended this very blog - and he doesn't even like blogs.
Seeing this language expert's links to some of my posts made me go back and check them over carefully. I had to hurriedly kick a couple errors under the bed and toss a few typos in the guestroom, behind closed doors, in the same way as I tidy my house when visitors are coming.
If you are one of those visitors and you also like this blog, please click here and add a vote for me.

Read Bill Brohaugh = bad, horrible laugh = rabbi laugh holder

Once you've Read the Book, Is That Still True?

My friend Bill has written another book: "Everything You Know About English is Wrong".. The best thing about this one is that I am included among the smelly characters to whom it is dedicated. The rest of the book is fantastic. Buy it! Read it! (In that order). But save the dedication for last because....well, what I said before. Oh, and visit his blah blathering blabber.

This Is The End

EUNICE AND BERNICE: Hello, Rush Limbaugh? This is Eunice and Bernice, the Siamese twins joined together at the telephone, calling you from Pisgah. Rush, we just love your show. What's all this we hear about Gary Burbank being refried. What? Retired? He's retiring? We knew that, oh yes, we knew that.

GILBERT GNARLEY: Hello, Johnson and Johnson customer service, this is Gilbert Gnarley, G N A R L E Y. I just love your products. I'm a retired eccentric and I live in the Saint Pia Zadora Golden Buckeye Retirement Community in Pisgah, Ohio. I would like to buy a case of your Kentucky Jelly for Gary Burbank as a retirement present.

EARL PITTS (Native American Redneck): You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so angry I just want to steal all the false teeth from the old folks home? It’s when the guy that does the radio show I was spawned from retires. That's al I have to say. Pitts off!

REVEREND DEUTERONOMY SKAGGS: The Little Radio Church of the White Winged Gospel Truth is in the air. Flock, as it sayeth in the Book of Hominominies, not your old testament, not your new testament, but your present testament, writ by me, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, ‘cause the Lord likes to mess with us. Can I get an “Amalulah!”? Now the Lord is taking Gary Burbank – not calling him home, just getting’ him off the radio. I'm going to need some love oferings soon before my radio pulpit goes away. So reach into them jeans and pull out some greens. Fly them rockets from thy pockets up around my altar. Don't make me holler, don't make me shout. Turn them pockets inside out.

SYNONYMOUS: Mr. Burjank, how does this afternoon find you? I happen to be one of the Cincinnati Bengals who most certainly do want to remain synonymous so’s not to besmirch my reparation, you understand. I am calling you on my mobile celluloid helmet phone. Mr. Burjank, hearing about your impotent retirement, fills me with rear moss.

BIG FAT: I am a big, fat, balding guy with a stubby cigar in his mouth and his pants half-zipped and this time I am being honest wit chew when I say that we are interrupting records on radio like we do movies on television with our wonderful products. Today we have Big Fat’s Homeless Retirement Home in a box. Yes it’s a big cardboard box for the retired homeless person on your gift list. Well look who’s coming into the studio, it’s Gary Burbank. Smooch, smooch, Burbank. (Smooch, smooch, Big Fat).

HOWLIN’ BLIND: This is Howlin’ Blind Muddy Slim, your sixty-minute, jelly-belly, toejam man, with Blues Break 101, here to learn you about some blues. You know, after a gig, I go around to all the tables and collect the spiders outta the bottoms of the glasses and mix myself up a drink. Today I got me some Tanqueray gin, some bourbon, some Anchor Steam Beer, some Woodford Reserve Whiskey, some Fat Tire beer, and some crème de menth. You know what I call that drink? Queray bourb anc re tire menth (Gary Burbank retirement.). Yeah, so potent, makes me lisp a little. One drink and you swear you can’t go on no more. Two drinks and your toe turns black and falls off. Three drinks and your gone - off the air

RANGER BOB: Howdy boys and girls and all you little whippersnappers, it’s your old pal Ranger Bob, brought to you by Mush. Eat it! Use it to spackle the plumber’s butt crack. Just get rid of it so Mommy will buy you some more and I can stay on the air. Today, buckaroos, our guest is Ryle Drepper, the retired high school music teacher who travels around singing karaoke songs to educate children. Ryle.

RYLE DREPPER: Thank you Ranger Bob. Hi kids. Today I have a great song about retirement.
I could hardly believe it, when I heard the news today
‘Cause you’ve already “retired” a time or two
But Kiesewetter says you’re leavin’, Fox News says you’re going away
And it’s on the internet, it must be true
So though we all might doubt it, in case this time you’re not faking
Let me parody one more song before you go

Tell me how am I supposed to laugh without you
Now that I’ve been listening so long
How am I supposed to laugh without you
The Big One must be off, if you’re not on
And all the characters I’m writing for are gone

I didn't come here for cryin', didn't come here to breakdown
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end
An how can I blame you, after all, you’re pretty old
But I’ll miss you and my other writer friends
Is there no more Reds and Restless, no more All My Bengals?
Are there no more commercials I will get to fake?

Tell me how am I supposed to laugh without you
Now that I’ve been listening so long
How am I supposed to laugh without you
The Big One must be off, if you’re not on
And all the characters I’m writing for are gone

RANGER BOB: Thank you Ryle, that was something. Well, you little sidewinders, all our time is up. Time to ride off into the sunset. Come ‘ere, Horse. Giddyup. This here’s your old pal Ranger Bob sayin’, “this here’s your old pal Ranger Bob sayin’, adios, Muchachos!”

KIDS: Adios Gary Burbank!
Thank you to Gary Burbank, Duke Sinatra, Rob Irvin, JD Riggs, Doc Kevin Wolfe, Tim Mizak, Bill Brohaugh, Jim Probasco, Mary Thomas Watts, Kel Krum, P.F. Wilson, Brian Bateman, Joe McDonough, Bill Tooker Heather Feather Pickle, Leah Burns, and a host of other names I might think of in the next few months.