Harry Reid Apologizes to Whites and Racists

Hot Freak Style News
updated 5:12 p.m. ET, Sat., Jan. 9, 2010
"WASHINGTON - Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid apologized on Saturday for saying in 2008 that Barack Obama should seek — and could win — the White House because Obama was a 'light skinned' African-American 'with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.' "

Senator Reid said he regretted "the assumptions I made about the prejudices and bigotry in this country." Many white Americans were not satisfied with his comments.

Glenn Beck, of Fox News, said, “Speaking on behalf of my cadre of teabaggers and Obama haters, we resent Senator Reid’s insinuations. His remarks suggest that we would not vote for Barack Hussein Obama because he is black or because of the way he speaks. In fact, we opposed Obama without any real thought process at all, simply because he is a socialist fascist who hates white people and who we knew would destroy this country, as he has.”

Sarah Palin was alone among Republican leaders in accepting Reid’s apology. “One of my PR guys read the story to me and it says Harry ‘apologized for saying Obama should seek the White House.’ Right on, Harry, you should never have encouraged him. Course, some of the other stuff he said makes no sense. Geezooey, how can he say Obama is “light-skinned”? John McCain is light-skinned – like a corpse. I’m light skinned – because I live up in Alaska, doncha know. Barack Hussein is darker, no doubt about it; don’t apologize for calling a spade a spade, Harry. And Obama doesn’t speak real common people American like me and Todd; he speaks like a big-city, intellectual, Ivy League Negro. You betcha.”

Several white separatist and supremacist organizations issued statements of outrage, angry that Reid’s remarks were referred to as racist. “That black-loving Senator was supporting Obama. His comments were about his assumption that racists would not be as put off because Obama is not 100% black and doesn’t talk ignorant like most of them. That was a outright lie. We are the racists, not him; and we wouldn’t vote for anyone with one drop of Negro blood. We will not accept his apology without acknowledgment of who the real racists are.”

Reid defended his remarks, explaining that, “What I meant by saying he he doesn’t talk like a Negro is that he does not kowtow to Wall Street or big pharma because he is predisposed to be deferential to ‘Massa’. He does it because it is politically expedient, just like I do. And that’s why I encouraged him to run.”

President Obama downplayed the controversy, remarking, “I don’t hold no grudge against the man. No suh! Mr. Harry, he always been good to me. He all right.”

Sources: Obama to be New Norwegian Leader

Hot Freak Style News – Oslo, Norway – Sources inside the Norwegian government are reporting that Barack Obama will take over as King of Norway on January 1, 2010. The story is being reported by the AP, on CSPAN and in the Oslo Enquirer. President Obama has flown to Norway is is thought to be finalizing the deal today.

Speculation has centered around Obama for weeks as Norway seeks to replace their current monarch and return to a role as a world leader in inspirational speeches. Obama has succeeded at every level of government in speaking eloquently and intelligently, most recently restoring the Democratic Party’s goal of having a health care reform bill brought to the brink of success before its expected failure on a national stage at the end of the year. Obama is also known to be at odds with American freedom and democracy, aspiring instead to rule as a benevolent Socialist monarch.

Other world leaders have been mentioned as candidates for the Norway job. Hugo Chavez has managed to get Venezuela mentioned prominently in world news recently but his reliance on fear and intimidation is thought to be inconsistent with Norway’s ideals. Moammar Khadafi was thought to be the favorite at one point but his failure to deliver a coherent speech at the UN last year dropped him from consideration.

Obama did agree to a four-year contract with the United States just over one year ago. However, his contract had an escape clause if the Norway Throne were offered to him. The King of Norway is considered the pinnacle of government leadership among rulers in the Western hemisphere.

Cabinet members were expecting Obama to speak with them directly about the move in a private meeting before the official announcement. However, Obama left for Norway without having such a meeting. Some of the cabinet members were recruited by Obama’s predecessors, most by Bill Clinton, and, while they hold an allegiance to President Obama, they are not as emotional about it as those members recruited by Obama himself. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner broke down in tears when asked his reaction to the expected announcement.

Crash Into Me

Six days after reality show star wannabees, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, crashed a state dinner at the White House, they continue to get their names and faces in every news and entertainment medium; and I do mean EVERY medium: on iTunes you can download Bing Crosby’s new Christmas tune, “Michaele and Tareq Salahi is the thing to say, on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day.”

The saga seems destined to continue endlessly and now they want their adventure to become a book, which would then be turned into a 3D animated movie by Pixar.
I flipped around the cable news stations and this is what I heard today:

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Wecome back to Hardball. My guests are Republican Senator Mad Redface and Democratic Congressperson Whiney Holdhisbreath Blueface. Gentlemen, Here’s what my question is, because after all these reports I have a question, and I want you to answer it, after I ask it, and here’s what it is, do you think the Secret Service should be punished?
REDFACE: Well, I ...
MATTHEWS: Because a lot of people are saying they should. But who’s to blame. I mean, that’s my question, and I’m just saying, I’m asking.

CLICK

GRETCHEN CARLSON: You're back with Fox and Friends. You know what? Did Obama bow? I bet he bowed to these people.
STEVE DOOCY: Given everything we know about him, I’m sure he did.
CARLSON: What kind of a name is Salahi?
DOOCY: It’s a weird, crazy name. Tareq Salahi? They’re illegal alien Muslims.
CARLSON: He’s turning us into an alien Muslim country and bowing to them.

CLICK

KEITH OLBERMANN: Bill O’Reilly reported that some New Yorkers at the party got bombed at the bar and he suggested that therefore the Salahi’s were connected to 9/11. And for that, Bill-O is today’s ... woorrst person in the wooorrrld.

CLICK

GLENN BECK: The fact that no one is raising this question shows that there is a coverup. The Salahis knew where Bin Laden was hiding but the Secret Service didn’t ask. Am I the only one who sees this?

CLICK

MATTHEWS: The couple posed for pictures with Joe Biden. The wife is pretty hot, in my opinion. Look at her with her hands on Biden. According to Biden, the Obama team had set up a website for people to report that they weren’t invited but the Salihis didn’t understand how to use it. What do you think? Was it Biden or Obama or do you think the secret service is at fault?
BLUEFACE: Are you done?
MATTHEWS: Yes
BLUEFACE: Okay I think...
MATTHEWS: Sorry I’ve got to cut you off. We’re out of time

CLICK

CAMPBELL BROWN: On CNN News we did some investigative reporting and we have graphics and magic boards showing that the Salahis wanted to be on real housewives of DC. We’re here with JohnnyB who claims to be an expert on wanting to be a reality show.
JOHNNYB: I want to do a show about being a CPA and a comedy writer.
BROWN: A totally bizarre combination.
JOHNNYB: Exactly. I've been trying to become famous on that premise for years. These Salahi yahoos go to a party uninvited and you can’t turn around without stepping in their fame. I wrote great comedy for a well known radio star for years and couldn’t even get a mention in his biography.
BROWN: Some radio guy failed to mention you in a book? That's your story?
JOHNNYB: Yeah.
BROWN: So you are not really an expert, you’re just bitter?
JOHNNYB: Maybe.

CLICK

OLBERMANN: While your critics rail against you, you, Mr. President, stood up for the right of everyone to have health care and now you stand for the right of every American to attend a state dinner, opening up our government to all who are hungry…

CLICK

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: Fox News has just received a startling 911 phone recording.
OPERATOR: 911. What's your emergency?
MAN: Oh God, I think my son just crashed a state dinner.
OPERATOR: You think he did or he did?
MAN: I don’t know. He was hanging around the function and I was trying to work on this reality show I'm developing and then the state dinner started up and we can’t find my son.
BOY: Can I come out yet dad?

CLICK

OLBERMANN: That’s it for November 30, day 6 of the coverage of the state dinner party crashers.

Cooking Up Reform

Devon Henderson, a mischevious, always-smiling 5-year-old, was born with chronic hunger. His mother, Sharon lost her job last year and no longer has restaurant insurance. Devon's father walked out when Devon was born and never sent any money for support. Now Sharon cannot afford to provide Devon with the full course, restaurant meals he needs. “I’m giving him over-the-counter snack foods,” she says in a soft voice. “I don’t know how long that will sustain him.” When asked how she manages to afford the snacks, she looks off toward her bedroom, then quickly down at the floor. She doesn’t respond.
********************************************************************************
President Obama addressed Congress yesterday and again urged them to pass food reform. “Twenty million Americans are without restaurant insurance and unable to get entrees, much less full course meals when they need them. We cannot let that continue. Every American has a fundamental right to affordable meals when he or she becomes hungry,” he stated. Repeating his campaign promise, the President emphasized that the controversial provision for public meal tickets should be a part of whatever bill is passed.
********************************************************************************
Sharon Henderson spent four years at graduate school to get a degree as a cosmetologist, with a specialty in nail treatment. As a result of the recession, she was laid off from a highly paid position as an executive toenail cleaner. Sharon has an interview coming up for a job prescribing antipsychotic drugs; it’s an unskilled, minimum wage position, but one which would restore her restaurant insurance. “I will work for food,” Sharon murmurs, choking back tears, “but Devon’s chronic hunger is a pre-existing condition and will probably not be covered. It’s not fair; he can’t help being born that way.”
********************************************************************************
Republicans responded to the President’s message, saying that they would not support “the socialized meal policies” the Democrats are proposing. Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-KY), said, “This is not ‘reform’. We currently have the finest restaurant chains in the world and the highest rate of hunger satiation for those who use them. Some have pointed to Canada as an example of a successful government meal system. The facts are that, in Canada, people going to restaurants are given pagers and forced to wait in cramped lobbies, or even outside, until they are called. In many cases people needing food must make reservations far in advance.

“If you get hungry in some place like China, you are afraid to go for treatment. Who knows what is in the food over there. Our free market system has allowed our chefs to develop complex meals; they are created for the rich, but eventually make their way to the mass market. The liberals want to turn us into a Communist collective, forced to line up at food cooperatives for government handouts. What’s more, the President’s food reform bill would force hungry people to go before government diet panels and face assisted dieting.”
*********************************************************************************
Some critics of the current system say it is not the restaurants or the chefs who need reform. “It the insurance companies,” explains analyst, Dale Martin. “ Their top people have lost sight of their mission and purpose. Insurance used to be the business of small mutual farms who would collect premiums from members and then use them to buy food for the unfortunate members of the group who fell victim to hunger. They provided against the risk of a devastating starvation. Now insurance conglomerates are all about investing and profit. They invest in the food banks and trade in ‘toxic food stuffs’, which are chopped up, mixed with filler, blended and sold as byproducts and flavor derivatives. The insurance companies, reluctant to part with their profits, reduce allowed services or institute prix fixe meals. That’s why we have a shortage of chefs and sous chefs in this country.”

Sharon Henderson has similar complaints about the services she was able to get for her son when she did have restaurant insurance. “One chef told me to give Devon 100% Angus beef, but the insurance company would approve only generic ground beef. They told us that they would not pay for emergency cafeteria visits but that I should take him to a drive thru or a mall food court if he had sudden hunger pangs. They wouldn’t let us try alternative Eastern food preparations. They said they were not proven. Supposedly Chinese food just temporarily relieve symptoms and an hour later you’re hungry again.” Sharon said she is considering “home cooking” despite the penalties for preparing recipes without a license. But her main hope is that President Obama’s Food Reform Act passes. “I’ve not even worried about those panels the Republicans talk about. I mean, sooner or later we all have to diet.”

Stick It Where The Sun Don't Shine

"There is not a thing you can come up with that the G.O.P. is for. Sunshine in the morning? Harry Reid couldn’t persuade a single Senate Republican to vote yes."

My sister pointed me to this statement, which I initially took to be a joke. However this debate actually took place in the Senate on Monday.

The impetus of the controversy was when some senator remarked that "the Redskins will probably get blown out in the opener against the Giants" Harry Reid (D - NV) shrugged and said, whatever happens, I guarantee the sun will come up the next day."

At this point Senator Levon Delight (R - MS) stood and objected to "Senator Reid's proposal for government controlled sunshine. I do not want some bureaucrat standing between me and my sunshine," he said.

Senator Reid attempted to respond but Senator Joe Goebbels (R - GDR) took the floor. "President Obama and the Democrats are turning America into a totalitarian state where the supreme leader is believed to control the sunrise and expects the people to worship him."

A great hubbub and grumbling arose which captured the attention of the cable news paparazzi. Within minutes Bill O'Reilly was reporting that "the axis of socialism, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, are trying to take away the people's right to determine when the sun comes up for them or if they even want sunshine."

Former Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin, held a press conference in her home, standing before the stretched and tanned hide of Levi Johnston. "This bill introduced by the Democrats is very dangerous and frightens me as the mother of teen girls. This law would establish Solar Panels to determine who is hot and who is not."

Fox news polls show that 55% of Americans now object to sunshine reform. Meanwhile a viral status update spread across the Facebook pages of millions of Democrats: "I agree that Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, sunshine in my eyes can make me cry, sunshine on the water looks so lovely, sunshine almost always makes me high. If you agree, post this as your status for the rest of the day."

Citizens at town hall meetings are opining that they deserve the same access to sunshine that Congressman John Boehner (R - OH) enjoys.

Several sunshine bills have now been introduced in Congress. Speaking on "Hardball" on MSNBC, Harry Reid, in the one second left after Chris Matthews spent ten minutes asking and clarifying his own question, could promise only that "the sun'll come out tomorrow, if the Joint Committee can hammer out a compromise."

What's The News, Across the Nation?

80% of U.S. schoolchildren can NOT identify our President. We lead the world in school-child ignorance about who our leaders are. Let's not blow that; keep us Number One! Don't let President Obama address our students.

Many think that investigating top officials of our government for involvement in torture and other war crimes would be too distracting when we have so many other challenges facing this country. After all, those officials are now out of office, they can't unilaterally start any more unjustified wars and spend all our money on them. This makes sense to me. There's a guy in Georgia who just killed 7 family members. They're all dead now and I am sure Georgia has more important things to deal with. Let's leave that poor man alone.

Cincinnati City Council made a last-minute save that prevented huge pay cuts threatened for members of Cincinnati City Council. By offering police officers the opportunity to work their essential, dangerous, full-time jobs for lower pay, Council avoided slashing the part-time, self-promoting, frivolous jobs the City Council members.

We Report, You Decide ... Not to Advertise

Promoters of white supremacy are dropping sponsorship of Glenn Beck because he called President Obama “a racist”.

Glenn Beck is a mentally challenged man, hired to host a talk show by Fox News as part of their ongoing effort to reach out to their fan base. Beck was on the Children’s Show, “Fox and Friends” when he made the remark about the President; however it caused 90% of his sponsors to drop their advertising from Beck’s own show.

I was surprised that one of the defecting sponsors is Clorox, who, ironically, always want everything to be whiter than white, effectively promoting white supremacy. (Glenn Beck, coincidentally, is one of the whitest men on television).

Having sponsors boycott a show is not a new phenomenon, and I assume it is a preemptive strike to avoid having people boycott their products in protest of Glenn Beck.

I have never gotten into boycotting specific advertisers because of the shows they sponsor. I just boycott all of them by recording shows and fast-forwarding through the commercials. Or I boycott by getting up to go to the bathroom. Or I watch the ad but effectively boycott the company by not understanding what the hell they are talking about or how it relates to the product they want to sell me, the name of which I never remember anyway.

Sponsors aside, what I really don’t understand is how these talk show hosts or town-hall-meeting-protesters get away with calling President Obama a racist or a Nazi.

I would think that any self-respecting Nazis would be offended by people associating our black President with their good name. Where is the backlash from Nazis, neo-Nazis, neo-con Nazis, etc. about this whole thing?

I would expect the real racists to be reacting in anger and calling into the Fox talk shows, railing against calling this compromise-loving, bi-partisanship-seeking, can't-we-all-get-along, black man a "racist".

Come to think of it, maybe those are the groups that the advertisers fear and the real reason they pulled their ads.

Wild Cherry, Wild Myths

In an attempt to reform my own personal care of my own personal health (before some government bureaucrat comes between me and myself) I have been using yogurt instead of doughnuts to stave off the 10 a.m. hunger attacks. I eat Yoplait fruit flavors, but I often get sick of the artificial sweetener taste – except when I eat the Very Cherry, with that “cherry” flavor that does not exist in nature: the cherry flavor that brings back the sticky, red sweetness of Smith Brothers cough drops.

Smith Brothers cough drops were an important part of the health care system we had when I was a child. It was a system firmly based in the free enterprise, capitalist economy. We knew that, if we got sick, Vicks, Smith Brothers, St. Joseph and others were there to restore our health without relying on the demonistic insurance industry or the socialistic government.

Now, as I understand it, what is being debated in Congress is not actually health care reform but reform of our system of access to health care. This is not limited to providing watered-down, government cough drops and vapo-rub to the millions uninsured. Republicans have also revealed that the Democrats plan would also introduce health care rationing (no. 6 under "coverage"), a restrictive element that does not exist under our current system of supply, demand and insurance funding.

A more disturbing change embedded in the current Democratic health care reform bill is the provision that requires old people to end their lives early (see fact # III) Again, this is troubling because that practice belongs in the free market, with tobacco and fast food companies, not with some communist government stooges.

These types of un-American policies are to be expected from a President unfamiliar with our culture because he was born in another country - Obama was born in Kenya, this I know, because the Birthers told me so. (see fact I) They have not yet produced a birth certificate to prove it, but I have faith that they will soon.

Getting back to Smith Brothers, these men played a little-known but important role in our economy beyond their selfless dedication to curing scratchy throats. In doing my research on them I found this website featuring one of their ads. The blogger here says, “The Smith Brothers have first names! I never knew that.” Of course they had first names, they were “Trade” and “Mark” as indicated on the packaging. This is the origin of the legally registered product names we now call “trademarks.” (Similarly an early edition of the Brothers Karamazov listing their first names, Copy and Right, on the cover led to the legal form of protection for written material.)

Coincidentally the first ad on that site is one imploring parents to protect their child’s right to keep and bear Daisy rifles. Sadly, 50 years later the Obama administration has taken away our BB guns, claiming we would put our eye out (see fact XII). Once more, the visible hand of socialism has smacked the invisible hand of capitalism and robbed us of freedoms in a way that, back in the 40s, happened only in isolated autocratic places in our country.

The third ad on that page is about Ronnie Morlock who, after being voted the most popular boy because of his shoes, disappeared from the face of the earth. I believe Ronnie became despondent when Thom McAn stopped making their shoes in America. Morlock undoubtedly moved to some other country like Canada where they still manufacture their own goods and they aren’t being ruined by government health care and gun control.

A long day of calling Rush Limbaugh to complain about these atrocities has made my throat raw. Oh, for a box of Smith Brother cherry flavored lozenges!

B double-E R S U double-M I T - Beer Summit!

Today is the big beer summit at the White House. You might think that, if President Obama were going to try and resolve something over drinks, he might be sitting around with key Democratic and Republican legislators trying to get a deal done on health care.

But President O stumbled into the briar patch of a black Harvard professor being arrested by a white Boston cop and now we have to deal with the racial implications as a nation.

As the Daily Show advised: “Alcohol is not how you resolve a racial incident, it’s how you start one.” We already have disagreement on the choice of beer. “Obama is opting for a Bud Lite, while Gates is said to be partial to Red Stripe from Jamaica. Crowley's preference is for Blue Moon, a Belgian-Style beer, made by Coors.”

Ironically, George Bush was the politician that Americans purportedly would prefer to have a beer with. I would have guessed the Big O was a wine drinker, but he’s trying to shake the image of “elitist prick, turning us into Europe”, so he’s been chowing down on hamburgers with Joe Biden and now drinking Bud Lite.

Still, you know this will not start out well.
CROWLEY: All due respect, Mr. President, we have some other fine beers that would provide a little more taste. Blue Moon from Coors or even Sam Adams from my home town.

GATES: You impress me, Officer Crowley. I would have thought Bud Lite was a staple for you.

CROWLEY: What? Because I’m a cop? Wouldn’t you call that “profiling”? Huh? You wanna ask me if I’m gonna dunk a doughnut in my beer?

GATES (SMUGLY): It was merely that I thought that Bud Lite was preferred by you and your peers.

CROWLEY: “My peers”? Is that like saying “you people”? I got as much class as any Harvard professor and I know some good beers. I thought you and “your peers” would be Colt Malt Liquor men, but I can also see where you go for that reggae Red Stripe crap from Jama….

GATES (jumping up): If you say “Jamaica, mon”, I will #@$% you up!

OBAMA: Gentlemen, gentlemen! Crowley, put the handcuffs back. Don't be stupid!

ANNOUNCER: Bud Lite presents, Real Men of Genius

SINGER: Real men of geeen-ius

ANNOUNCER: Today we salute you, Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

SINGER: Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

ANNOUNCER: Thanks to you we don’t need Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton showing up, making long speeches about lingering racial hatred. We don’t have to listen to Jesse try to rhyme his way through a puffed-up, publicity-seeking, press conference.
You can throw out a few ill-advised comments at the end of a totally unrelated press conference and turn what should have been a short-lived, isolated incident into a national cause célèbre … with beer.
So here’s to you, Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer. Thanks to you, Fox News, MSNBC and CNN have filler for their 24-hour $#!% stirring festivals.

SINGER: Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

ANNOUNCER: Bud Lite beer, Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri.

Would You Like To Fly

“Ohio saw a hefty jump in its ranking for adult obesity, moving from 17th last year to 10th this year.”We are number 10, with a bullet – and a slice of pie on the side, please.
I know I did my part this past year and, by god, I believe we can reach number 1. Kentucky may be ahead of us for now, but we will eat their lunch!

In other local news, The Archdiocese of Cincinnati will not allow inflatable rides at their festivals anymore. Southwest Ohio has a big mass of Catholics, and Church festivals are their major form of Summer entertainment. A lot of the catholic churches are old buildings with no air conditioning. I imagine that when the weather gets hot, people stop going and the tithing stops flowing. So festivals are a way to raise money.

And money is the reason the inflatable rides are out. One recent Sunday in Middletown one of those rides flew away with a small boy on it. Other rides around the country have also become possessed and exorcism isn’t working “The increase in injuries and even fatalities led the archdiocese's insurance administrator to warn of potential liability, which in turn prompted diocesan officials to ban the rides this year.”

You read that right, according to the reporter, the injuries did not lead to the ban, the increased liability did. So, here in Southwest Ohio, kids are going to bed without having ridden an inflatable ride because of the insurance industry.

President Obama needs to address this amusement industry crisis of soaring prices of insurance for soaring rides. We need national amusement ride insurance like they have in Canada and Europe. Sure it might mean kids will have to stand in line longer for the rides and there will be greater delays in amusement, but these colorful, inflated bouncy things are a fundamental right guaranteed by the Constitution:

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Beer Booths, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the prize Raffles, and secure the Amusement at Festivals to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

Of course, if the number of obese children in Ohio keeps swelling, the Archdiocese won’t have to worry. The rides won’t beable to get off the ground with our kids on them.

Don' το τ ρωτά don' το τ λέει

There seems to be some debate over whether President Obama is going to have the military's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy on gay soldiers repealed. He hasn't officially said no or yes and he'd prefer you don't inquire.

I don't understand how having gay people in uniform would undermine the mission of our troops but it does seem that NOT having them is, at the very least, hindering our ability to understand the enemy. The biggest loss (for purposes of this blog) to the military has been in the linguist troops.

"The group contends the records show that the military — at a time when it and U.S. intelligence agencies don’t have enough Arabic speakers — is putting its anti-gay stance ahead of national security.

Between 1998 and 2004, the military discharged 20 Arabic and six Farsi speakers, according to Department of Defense data obtained by the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military under a Freedom of Information Act request."

When did "linguist" become a gay industry? I know "gay" does not equal trans-sexual or trans-gender but I guess it does equal trans-lator.

How is it that there are so few straight translators that losing the gays is devastating to the linguist corps? What is it about being gay that makes one gifted in foreign tongues? Is it a gay career of choice like fashion design, hairdressing or decorating? If Tim Gunn had not gone into fashion would Bravo have created "Project Translate"? Were Isaak Mizrahi's designs successful at target because they "spoke to" the immigrant shopper?

Are all translators gay? Is there some special meaning to "bi-lingual" that I never understood before? My best guy friend, who lives not far from San Francisco, speaks Spanish pretty well; should I wonder about his orientation? Or do the gay linguists speak only Farsi and Arabic? Why not Greek and French?

So many questions that I don't ask and they won't tell me.

The Birds

“Airplane collisions with birds have more than doubled at 13 major U.S. airports since 2000.” Immediately upon reading that, I was contacted by former Vice President, Dick Cheney. Cheney, who spent eight years either plotting world domination in an undisclosed location or out hunting hobbled lawyers in a private attorney preserve, is now eager to talk to anyone, anywhere at any time.

Cheney sat across from me, with his head slightly cocked toward the Right, speaking in that slow, deep, almost husky voice that carries an undertone of a horror film soundtrack and makes the hairs stand up on your neck and your skin crawl, giving you a persistent sensation that something dreadful is about to happen ….. to you.

“It’s no coincidence,” Cheney said, “that the increase in bird strikes began at the time that the attacks of September 11, 2001 were being put in motion. Our administration gathered information that al-Qaeda operatives had infiltrated flocks on the roofs and statues in our major cities and begun to radicalize the bird population. Not the Starlings, Clarisse, but the gulls, the geese and other anarchist species.”

Cheney spoke softly, making me want to lean closer to hear but fearing that I might get too near and be sucked into his vortex of evil, descending into Hell to do his bidding for eternity.

“So this increase in bird attacks came about during the Bush administration,” I pointed out, while trembling uncontrollably.

Cheney paused and, without changing expression, locked his eyes on mine and sent sharp pangs of regret deep into my soul. “You will also know, if you read the news carefully that the strikes dropped noticeably in 2007 and 2008. That was the direct result of enhanced interrogation methods that the Justice Department approved us to use. At one point some Abyssinian Jihadist Geese tested me and I made their livers into a pate and ate them with fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

“And you feel that the Obama administration is wrong in reversing your policies of .. torture.”

The one working corner of Cheney’s mouth turned up slightly and his eyes briefly came alive. “I believe that what they have done has put the country in grave danger. We had significant success with acid rain, adverse climate .. modification.. and oil spills in combating bird strikes and gathering valuable intelligence from the goose population. The current administration’s insistence on weakness and environmental .. 'protection' .. of our avowed avian enemies, I think, can lead only to destruction of our nation.”

“Thank you, Mr. Cheney, for your time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go home, lock all the doors, turn on all the lights and huddle on my couch with the TV on up high and the phone ready in my hand.

After leaving his presence and feeling the cloud of despair dissipate, I was still troubled by one thing I had read in the news story. “A single United Airlines 737 passenger jet suffered at least 29 minor collisions with birds and one accident involving a small deer.” When, I asked myself, would someone make a movie about that one plane (starring Samuel L. Jackson) and did Cheney, or anyone, know about the flying deer and what terrorist agenda they are preparing?

He Only Considered the Job as a Favre to Barack

Judd Gregg withdrew his name from consideration as Secretary of Commerce. Reportedly he will not seek another term as Senator from New Hampshire.

ESPN is reporting rumors that the New York Jets are close to signing Gregg. He is expected to play one season at quarterback and then retire again.

Regarding turning down President Obama, Gregg said, "For me, I just realized as these issues started to come at us, and they started to crystallize, that it wasn't a good fit and I wouldn't be comfortable doing this," Gregg said.Barack: Judd, I know people will condemn us - we are bi-partisan - but we can't let what others think stop us.
Judd: Barack, I'm just not comfortable doing this. It's not you, it's me.

Undeath and Taxes

The news was on last night but I confess I wasn't paying full attention. What I remember is that Tom Daschle and Nancy Killefer withdrew their names from consideration for the jobs for which Obama nominated them. The reason is that they were responsible for fraudulent attacks by zombies and raptors.

Obama, for some reason, took responsibility for potentially sending the wrong message on the signs. "I think I screwed up, and I take responsibility for it and we're going to make sure we fix it so it doesn't happen again." So the road signs are okay now, I think.

I kind of dozed off and when I woke up, they were showing this news clip: one of Obama's nominees being questioned about his taxes, when suddenly Secretary of State Clinton shows up to discuss Obama's desire to promote diplomacy over war.

The Gospel According to JohnnyB

11:1 When they drew near to Washington, District of Columbia, at the mall of the capital, he sent two of his disciples,

11:2 and said to them, "Go your way into the village that is opposite you. Immediately as you enter into it, you will find a new limo, in which no one has sat. Bring it.

11:3 If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' say, 'Obama needs it;' and immediately he will send it back here."

11:4 They went away, and found a limo at the door outside in the open street, and they started it up.

11:5 Some of the Secret Service asked them, "What are you doing, taking that car?"

11:6 They said to them just as Barack had said, and they let them go.

11:7 They brought the limo to Barack, and threw their jackets in it, and Barack sat in it.

11:8 Many held out papers to autograph, and others were cutting down branches from the trees, and taking them as souvenirs.

11:9 Those who went in front, and those who followed, cried out, "Obama! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the President!

11:10 Blessed is the kingdom of our father Washington that is coming in the name of the President! Obama in the highest!"

11:11 Barack entered into the capital in Washington. When he had looked around at everything, it being now evening, he went out to Alexandria with the family.

11:12 The next day, when they had come out from Alexandria, he was hungry.

11:13 Seeing a cherry tree afar off having leaves, he came to see if perhaps he might find anything on it. When he came to it, he found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for cherries.

11:14 Barack told it, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again!" or so the media reported. Actually he just asked someone to get him a coffee and McMuffin.

11:15 They came to Washington, and Barack entered into the capital, and began to throw out those who lied and those who broke the law in the capital, and overthrew the tables of the Constitution-changers, and the seats of those who sold out the nation.

11:16 He would not allow anyone to subvert the Bill of Rights in the capital.

11:17 He taught, saying to them, "Isn't it written, 'My White House will be called a house of integrity for all the nations?' But you have made it a den of war criminals!"

11:18 The Commander in Chief and the Cheney heard it, and sought how they might destroy him. For they feared him, because all the multitude was inspired at his teaching.

11:19 When evening came, he went out of the city.

11:20 As they passed by in the morning, they saw the cherry tree withered away from the roots.

11:21 The hangers-on, remembering, said to him, "Mr. President, look! The cherry tree which you cursed has withered away."

11:22 Barack answering said to them, "Don’t believe everything you hear.”.

11:23 For most assuredly I tell you, whoever may tell the media, 'I love America and have no hidden agenda' and doesn't doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says; they shall misquote it anyway.

11:24 Therefore I tell you, all things whatever you say and text and email, believe that they receive them, and they shall spin them.

11:25 Then Barack went forth and rebuilt the great nation.

I invite thy analysis and interpretation of the scrpture within the comments.
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Movie Review: "MLK!"

Being Martin Luther King Day weekend, I thought it would be appropriate to observe by going to see “MLK!” at the theater in the mall, because I could also go to all the MLK Day sales. I was very happy with the deals I got but, as a white person, I was highly embarrassed by the movie.

Moviemakers always alter some facts when making a film “based on a true story”, but I think updating the “MLK!” story to be about gay rights instead of civil rights was a mistake. There’s nothing wrong with being gay but black people are sort of sensitive about that stuff. Jesse Jackson is still pissed about gay people co-opting the rainbow from his “Rainbow Coalition”. Gay people have been persecuted for sure, but that is nothing compared to what black people have gone through. What is next, a movie about President Lincoln, portraying him freeing the sex slaves?

There were other modifications of history that were uncomfortable. Changing Reverend King’s catch phrase from “I have a dream” to “I want to recruit you” was just uncalled for. And why would a film called “MLK!”, about Martin Luther King, have the main character referred to as “Harvey”? Was it because they needed to get around the fact that the real MLK wasn’t gay? Why “Harvey”? “Martin” sounds more gay than “Harvey”? Oh wait: Harvey Fierstein. I get it.

Still, that’s not the most egregious reality warp here. Sean Penn is a very fine actor; but he’s white. Really white. Having him portray a black leader seems especially offensive at a time when we are about to inaugurate our first pretty-much black president. What? Was Denzel Washington busy? What about Samuel L. Jackson or Eddie Murphy?

About the only thing in the movie that paralleled Dr. King’s real life was that this “Harvey” guy gets shot and that’s NOT really the most significant accomplishment of King’s life. He is a very important person in America. If you forget about the monumental historical refabrications, “MLK!” is a very enjoyable and meaningful movie. But, if you want to honor Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., check out one of these fine movies.

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Road to the White House

Here in Cincinnati we are preparing for the crowds expected to overtake the area on Tuesday during the inauguration. Take a look at the map here. People arriving in DC to see the event will be instructed to line up along the big black letters spelling out "Washington D. C.", then expand into a large mob, covering most of Virginia and West Virginia and much of lower Pennsylvania, bumping up against Pittsburgh.

People who live in the DC area and just want to go to the grocery or pick up kids from day care will be diverted around the crowd. They will be directed to drive North, then East through Buffalo. From there they proceed South West across Ohio, skirting the far edge of the inaugural campgrounds, and stopping for a break in Cincinnati.

Here we will be locking the cows in the barns and keeping the kids home from the little schoolhouses that dot the Cincinnati prairie landscape. We expect our Skyline Chili and Graeters Ice Cream parlors to be packed with DC residents taking a break before continuing South East to Charleston South Carolina where all DC businesses are setting up temporary operations as they flee the inaugural masses. There the weary DC refugees will grab their milk and bread and pick up their kids.

The DC natives should be able to get back home by early Thursday morning, when they can join the forced clean up detail clearing the mess left by the crowds indulging in the drugs and free love and communal bathing in the reflecting pool.

2008 Annual Letter

Here's the annual family photo - after we took it, I noticed my pants were missing again, but this is the only one where we all were smiling and had our eyes open, so we used it.
I was going to write the annual holiday letter about the family to go with the picture but the bad news got me so down I just quit. I was so upset, I started drinking the dregs in the bottom of the beer, wine and Enfamil bottles lying around and then I forgot what I was doing.
I mean, the year started off with Ohio State getting blown out in a championship football game AGAIN and mostly went downhill from there, so why write the letter?
There was a bright spot when one of our youngest, little Barack, won the election thing. And I am tired of the rumors about him not being part of our family; he was born right here in the US of A, western annex of Hawaii. And our girl from Alaska stopped getting pregnant long enough to run for Vice President; she just had little Bristles take over the baby making chores. It's interesting that three of the four President/VP candidates were from the last three states admitted to the union, even though John McCain was born exactly 50 years before Arizona became a state in 1912. And three of the candidates' states make nice little puns: "Hawaii?" "I'm fine, thank you. Hey, what did Delaware today?" "I don't know, Alaska." If somebody can give me an Arizona pun, I'd appreciate it.
Anyway, the great news for the year was about our Barack, a half African person, being elected and proving that we are half over our racist past. And it also means that, HALLELUJAH, George Bush is out of a job. Sadly, many others are too. Uncle Billy lost the money he was supposed to deposit in the bank. He had a big wad of about a trillion dollars wrapped in a newspaper and now can't remember where he put it. If you see it, let us know. By the way, Uncle Billy still got his $40 million dollar bonus this year despite his mistake - and why not? It could have happened to anybody. Then our big three uncles in Detroit put on a production of "Dude, Where's My Car Company" which flopped, but the 3 Producers made millions by overselling shares in the production. Thankfully, nobody's going to jail - car makers or bankers. I mean, if the war criminals in the administration get a pass, how can we lock up mere financial scam artists? Prison and torture is for foreigners we don't like or understand, regardless of whether they committed a crime.
So now we're in a depression and I'm loading up the truck and leaving the farm to move the family to California, where we hope to make a new life, selling apples on the street or working in the fields for cruel bosses who beat us if we ask for fair wages and benefits.
We hope your family had a good year. Let's all get together soon. Hopefully I'll get around to writing the annual letter before then.

All In the Family

Obama Names Blagojevich Secretary of Protection

Barack Obama has not only made another controversial cabinet appointment, he has created an entirely new cabinet post to do it.
“Today I am announcing my plan to develop a Department of Protection and to appoint Governor Ron Blagojevich of Illinois to head it up as Secretary,” the President Elect announced during a family picnic in Chicago’s Gangland Park.
Obama was asked why he would appoint someone being indicted for federal crimes as Secretary, Obama shrugged off the controversy. “Look…there is a fine line between politics and crime. We should be able to find a common ground between them.“
Obama created controversy most recently by inviting the homophobic ignoramus pastor, Rick Warren to give the inaugural invocation. The President Elect defended that choice by saying that “…what we have to do is to be able to create an atmosphere where we can disagree without being disagreeable and then focus on those things that we hold in common as Americans." Similarly he defended his choice of Blagojevich saying that “we need to open our minds and understand that, what to you and me is corruption and graft … is to others just tradition and family values.”
When asked what the Department of Protection would do, Obama described it as “somewhere between the Department of Commerce and Homeland Security. Look, the United States has many friends out there who we wouldn’t want to see … nuthin’ happen to ‘em. We are in a position to … help some people. If these people show … appreciation … everything is jake. Secretary Blagojevich will be responsible for … seeing that his people visit these friends and … collect such well wishes and appreciation as they care to give ... on a regular basis. The Secretary would hate to… see something happen to them or their families … if you get my drift.”
Blagojevich then took the microphone and promised that, “whatever charges were brought about whatever I done as Secretary of Protection, I assure you I will be vindicated and totally cleared of them.” When it was pointed out that he is not yet Secretary and there are no charges, he responded, “Hey, you know, I’m just sayin’.”

Holding His Seat

Governor Blagojevich got out on bail last week. A short time later he was seen on the streets of Washington DC, outside the Capitol, holding a cardboard sign saying "Need a seat?" He was heard shouting to passers by:
"Hey, I got one seat! Who needs one seat?

Who wants to buy this Senate seat?
I took it off Obama and I put it on the street
This Senate seat could be my chance to really score
And this Senate seat could bring me jobs and cash galore
So if you offer me what I am due
I’m listening to you

My state is Illinois. We do these kinds of things.
Our sys-TEM of politics, runs like A machine
This Senate seat could help me and my wife retire
It could be yours --- hey, you better not have on a wire
If there’s tapes and the federal men should find them:
Prison bars – I’ll be behind them