Swine Flew - UPDATED

“What’s the name of the organization raising the alert regarding the possible swine flu pandemic?”
“No, WHO is raising the alert.”

The multifarious global government reactions to the possible pandemic seem like an Abbott and Costello routine.
In Egypt they are slaughtering pigs as flu scapegoats. Please don’t tell them that the flu “combines pig, bird and human viruses”, though, if they do slaughter the humans, it would cut down on potential flu cases.

In Israel, one health minister has renamed the flu as the “Mexican flu” to avoid referring to non-Kosher animals considered “unclean”. This is not only ridiculous, it is also absurd. If eating pork is prohibited by dietary law, probably because it sickened people in Biblical times, wouldn’t labeling a disease with a porkish name make perfect Kosher sense? Oy, that Yakov! Such a meshuggahna kopf! It’s not like the word pork is prohibited. Or should we bring Litzman a shrubbery when we say the sacred name?

In Cincinnati, due to the swine/avian flu connection, our flying pig statues are being removed from sidewalks, parks, smokestacks, fountains and museums where people might come in contact with them. The Flying Pig Marathon has been cancelled as well. "The flu is a blend of avian, pig and human viruses," explained race official Cerdo del Vuelo, who asked to remain synonymous, "and our marathon combines all three, so we thought it best to cancel in the interest of safety."

In (probably) unrelated Cincinnati pork news, the owner of KT’s Barbeque is in trouble for installing a bikini-clad mannequin, named BarBe Q, outside his restaurant. He will fight to keep it because it attracts new customers, who become repeat customers after they taste the barbeque. “They come for BarBe Q, and they come again for their pulled pork,” he (might have) said. Officials vowed they would never approve his “sign” until swine flew. (5/14/09 - for an update on Kenny and Barbe, go here)

UPDATE: Breaking News from the Vatican: The Pope has forbidden the use of Pig Latin among Catholics worldwide. More as outbreak news breaks out.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread

Passover ended at sundown today and we had pizza for dinner, as Rabbi Bar Toli instructed, "You shall eat it (the Passover reprieve) with tomato sauce and cheese."

We used to bake up a homemade pizza, which was delicious but disappointed Allie - she always wanted Papa John's. Naturally we forced her to have the homemade because we hated her and were always looking for ways to cause her misery.

Allie was unhappy with pretty much everything about Passover. She loved (still does) pasta and bread. "Why does Passover have to be about bread?" she whined, "Why can't it be about pork chops?" We still haven't told her that Passover doesn't really exist: that we conspired with millions of people all over the world to create a "religion" we called "Judaism" just so we could invent "Passover" and make Allie go a week without spaghetti and garlic bread. We hate her that much.

Karen and I like bread also, and 8 days without it gives us serious cravings. I have friends who say they like matzah. I like it too, but when it is the only choice, you realize that it is dry, tasteless crackers. So we are ready for celebratory pizza when the big day comes.

Since Allie is away at college, we don't have to make the nasty homemade stuff and we decided to go out - but not for Papa John's, since their crust is more tasteless than matzah. We went to La Rosa's to get their pan crust pizza. Pan crust because after 8 days of crackers you don't want the thin crust.

Our pizza arrived and we took big, delectable bites of real bread. But something was not quite right. The pan crust was flat and doughy. Our waitress explained that sometimes they get a batch that just doesn't "fluff up". The bread did not rise. We were experiencing the 9th day of the bread of affliction.

I know. It's karmic payback for all the suffering we put our daughter through.

So let it be written, so let it be done - and hurry up, for God's sake

So, when we left off, we were preparing for Passover. The original Passover preparation involved smearing lamb’s blood on the doorpost and making special preparations for eating dinner prior to travelling, as God commanded “Now you shall eat it in this manner: with your loins girded, your sandals on your feet, and your staff in your hand; and you shall eat it in haste.”

The lamb’s blood was a marker for the Angel of Death so that he would pass over the Hebrew’s houses and slay the first born in only the Egyptian’s houses. When I was 10, I had a paper route and I was able to find my customers’ houses without benefit of blood markers, but the God of Biblical times was a bit over the top. (Any God who uses cutting off a bit of penis as a contractual covenant obviously favors the dramatic gesture).

The blood smearing is one of those elements of the Passover origins that we forego these days. What with lambs being scarce in the ‘burbs and the concerns about food borne illnesses, it’s just as well. We also don’t make much of a deal about the shoe-wearing or loin-girding, which is basically just preparing for dinner as if company was coming: putting on a belt, shoes and something nicer than that t-shirt with the pit stains (“and tuck it in, for God’s sake"). As for eating with your staff in hand, that would seem to contravene eating in haste, as having two hands free would seem more efficient. But who am I to question?

One of the reasons I doubt the complete authenticity of the Passover story is that I don’t think that any Jews could prepare for a hasty departure, at least not the Jews I know. When we visit my in-laws in Florida, any trip is preceded by a fifteen-minute discussion of who is actually ready and who has been waiting for whom and whether somebody has the coupons for the free meal and whether you need a sweater in the restaurant.

You know that the Jews in Egypt went through something like this:

“Wait, I have to go to the bathroom. Did all of you kids go? I want to make good time crossing the desert – we’re not stopping to let you pee.”
“You’re not driving the cart after four cups of wine.”
“Sadie, where is my belt and my shoes?”
“Do I wear them? Find them yourself. I’m trying to make bread for the trip. This is not going to have time to rise, you know, Mr. ‘we must leave ‘ere midnight’. What kind of person goes out in the desert at this hour?”
“Where is Sharon? She is always late.”
“I can’t find my good staff.”
“Did you smear the lamb’s blood?”
“I thought you did it.”
"Uh, oh. Where is Seymore, our first born?"

And so on.

In the end we had a good Seder, once we found the silver and the “good” glasses and enough nice serving platters. We spent a pleasant evening, reading and discussing the haggadah, drinking our four cups of wine and eating a wonderful dinner. We wish you all a Happy Passover and/or Happy Easter.

Rites of Spring

This being the Lenten season, and Cincinnati having a large Catholic population, it is easier to go out for Skyline on Friday and harder to get into Frisch's for a good fish sandwich.

Back when Lent was invented, did it go like this?

JESUS: Guys, I fed the multitude but I still have a bunch of loaves and fishes. These will become stale and stinky unless we think of something.
PETER: Let's fry up the fish and use the bread to make sandwiches.
JOHN: Perfect! It's Friday, let's bring them to happy hour and wash them down with some beer.
JUDAS: We can sell them and get some gold for the church.
JESUS: Great. Let's do this Friday Fish Fry every week.
PETER: We'll have to leave out the bread at Passover.
JESUS: Right. By the way, I've got some ideas about the Passover Seder supper.

and, of course that was the last supper idea he had.

Passover is coming up in a few days and, since I have nothing new to say about that, like Jesus' leftover fish, I will just recycle the miracles I created before. Here's a few links to the originals:

"A Plague of Roaches" - About marijuana, the Smak Rabbi and Passover

"Fun With Plagues" - about magicians, plagues and Passover - the origins explained.

"Filling our Drawers" - about Tupperware, New York City and Passover

It's Not Kosher Being Green

Denmark-based Agroplast wants to transform pig urine into plastic dinnerware and household items. I don't follow kosher food laws, but if one does, would it be okay to eat with utensils made from pig anything? Why pig urine and not cow urine? Would it be okay to use cow urine utensils with meat dishes, but not with dairy?

Of course, the company proposes making many "bioplastic" items, not just pig forks ("porks"), but the reporter focused on the eating utensils to create the maximum "ewwww' factor. They could also make plastic containers, which adds another dimension to my Passover "Tupperware" dilemma. Can I put leftover chicken soup in Piggerware? I am going to have to consult the Talmud on this one.

The strangest part of the story is near the end: "Agroplast says its farm-friendly chemicals ... can be used ...'as a flavor enhancer in cigarettes'". I'm not a smoker but I don't doubt that pig urine tastes better than cigarettes. Would pig urine in a cigarette make it taste like smoked ham? Does it make sense for a concept intended to benefit the environment to be used to make smoking more attractive?

I have so many questions, but it does seem like an exciting new frontier. I can see myself having this conversation with a recent college graduate:

Me: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Me: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Me: Pig urine.
Benjamin: That's two words, sir.
Me: Say it fast, it sounds like one. Pig urine.
Benjamin: Just how do you mean that, sir?

Filling Our Drawers

When our daughter was very small, we added on to our house because there’s nothing better for a one-year-old than inhaling drywall dust and crawling around on splintered plywood and nails. Part of our new kitchen was a section of three drawers under the counter. In the big, bottom drawer that Allie could reach and open, we put all the Tupperware so she could play with it.

When I say Tupperware, of course, I mean random plastic containers which may have come from Tupperware or Rubbermaid or may have once contained Greater’s ice cream or Szechwan Wok won ton soup. Over the years we have discarded pieces and added pieces (we no longer have the plastic bowl that Allie would invert and wear on her head while riding her small, wooden scooter); over the years we have rearranged the cabinets and drawers. However, the plastic containers still are stored in the same drawer they started in, even though Allie can no longer reach them because she’s in Columbus, Ohio.

One of the things I love about New York City is that you can go out at any time of the day or night and see lots of people. The subways are running, restaurants are open, muggers are mugging. My theory is that the reason there are always people outside in NYC, is that there are too many of them to all be inside at the same time. They have to rotate.

My NYC theory was derived from observing our plastic containers (bet you didn’t see that coming). The discards and additions have produced a net gain in containers to the point where we are forced to prepare more food at any given meal than we can eat, so that we can put leftovers in a container and put it in the refrigerator. If we eat all the leftovers and wash the dishes, our container drawer is overfull. And God forbid we should put any containers in a different place and break an 18-year tradition. We have to have at least 10% of the “Tupperware” rotating from drawer to fridge to dishwasher at all times.

Passover is thus a problem. As Passover approaches we start to clean out the fridge to make room for chicken soup and charoses and also to get rid of chametz. Our refrigerator becomes a Pesach advent calendar as each day we open a new plastic container and, as George Carlin said, try to figure out if it’s something green turning brown or something brown turning green.

As we dispose of leftovers, the stock of clean containers becomes too great and the drawer is bursting. Some of these containers will have to wander in the basement for a while. Sadly, some of the containers are old and cracked and they… well, they will not see the promised land.

A Plague of Roaches?

"Is Marijuana Kosher For Passah" (Passover)

As we always ask at the Seder, "On all other nights we fire up a doobie at dinner. Why on this night do we just get wasted on wine?"

It's logical to put aside your refer during Passover because, when you get the munchies, all there is is matzah. and, even when you're stoned, that's just dry, tasteless crackers.

But why would toking on a number be non-kosher for Passover? Because we fled Egypt before our crop could be harvested and dried? Because the locusts ate it all? Because we would start giggling about the word "Pharaoh" and not be all serious about how we were once slaves in Egypt?

According to the article linked above, it's because weed is classed as a legume. Have these rabbis ever had a drug education class in school and SEEN a marijuana plant? In what way does marijuana resemble peas, beans or peanuts? It looks more like a tomato plant to me.

But, then, I'm foolishly looking for logic in kosher law, which is like looking for an honest man in D.C. There is no logic: The article says it is because legumes were stored next to grain and might fraternize too much and become assimilated. Another explanation (and this is only for Ashkenazic Jews) is "The Smak (Rabbi Moshe of Kouchi, 13th century, France) explains that products of (legumes) appear like (wheat or grain) products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chometz). Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot was prohibited."

Seriously, the "Smak" rabbi? The Smak rabbi says we can't eat peas because we might confuse them with flour? Only if we are STONED! "Dude, am I eating a pack of Ho Hos or a bag of lima beans? I am SOOOOOO wasted right now, man. Wait, wait - listen: 'Pharaoh'. hehehe 'Phaaaaraooooh'. SNORK! It sounds SOO weird."

So, if we don't get high and confused on Passover, we should be able to eat legumes, right? Dude, I am so confused. At least I know grass is allowed on Easter.

Ka-Blah-Blah, Madonna, Yada Yada Yada

The true Kabbalists are mad at Madonna. Inevitably they are in the age-old catch 22, that, by condemning her song, they bring more attention to it and make it more successful. When I was about 13, visiting my grandmother, she told me that she had opened a copy of "Catcher in the Rye" and found 13 "goddamn's" on one page, so she closed up the book and perused it no more. I bought that book in the airport on the way home from my visit. Maybe these mystics hope that their criticism will cause more people to try and find out what Kabbalah is truly about and whether you need an "h" on the end of it or not (I don't know much about Kabbala and can't say if this is a good explanation or not) .
But I doubt that. Jews are not about PR so much - not like Christianity. Christianity has Mormon missionaries, Jehovah's Witness travelling salespeople, TV evangelists, and the retail industry from October through December. Christians believe it is important to convert people in order to save them (a very well-meaning motive). Jews go the other way, supposedly, based on the story of Ruth, trying three times to discourage converts. A rabbi must tell such a person that 1) we don't really control the world money supply, we spent it all on bar mitzvah parties (though we don't really encourage such lavishness). 2) you really don't want to give up bacon. 3) you will not exactly be admired for your choice (see the link under number 1)
Originally, Jews were big into conversion. Abraham, after all, had to build a nation. But instead of offering things like Christmas presents and Easter baskets, he had a travelling circumcision show. Not such a big draw.
Anyway, I seem to have digressed from focusing on Madonna. Ah, not focusing on Madonna - that should be in vogue.

Fun With Plagues

Passover started last night and we had a very nice Seder with our family and a friend of Allie's. We ate great food, sang songs, read the Passover story and had fun.

However, as always, I have trouble taking the story of the plagues seriously (besides, plagues should be fun.

First off, I imagine this conversation between Moses and Aaron:

MOSES: Pharaoh still refuses to free our people.
AARON: Even after I showed him the power of God?
MOSES: Oh, some "power" you showed him. You cast down your rod and it became a snake. Woo hoo! Who are you, David Copperfeldman? Why don't you also pull some doves from your robe? Even Pharaoh's magicians can turn their rods into snakes.
AARON: Well my snake ate their snakes! Why don't YOU try something? I'm doing all the work here! Go talk to your bush!

So then they go back and really do a frightening miracle, turning all the rivers to blood. And once again, Pharaoh's magicians do likewise.
PHARAOH: So, what just happened?
MAGICIANS: That Moses dude and his He-bro like turned the water to blood. And he's all like, "check it out, this is the power of the God of the Hebrews!"
PHARAOH: And your response was?
MAGICIANS: We're like, no biggie, and we copied the same trick. We're all like, "In your face, Hebrew dude!"
PHARAOH: So, let's recap. Moses and Aaron turn our water to blood, which is gross and nasty. So you all decide to copy him. Did it occur to you that turning the blood back into water would have been a better trick?
MAGICIAN 1: Aw, dude, that would have been awesome!
MAGICIAN 2: Our bad.

LATER
PHARAOH: So gentlemen, do you remember our discussion the other day about replicating plagues? Plagues are not good. We talked about this. Then our slaves cause the land to be covered with frogs. And what do you dimwits do?
MAGICIANS: Uh, we made frogs too?
PHARAOH: Now we have twice as many frogs, all dead, and the place stinks.
MAGICIANS: Yeah, but.....
PHARAOH: Just fix it.

When M & A then cause lice to attack all the men and beasts:
MOSES: How do you like me NOW, Pharaoh!
MAGICIAN 1: Hey, big man, lice are no trick.
MAGICIAN 2: Yeah, dude, anyone can do lice! Watch this!
PHARAOH: Gentlemen.........
MAGICIAN 1: Uh .... but we won't!
MAGICIAN: Yeah, we won't! And you can't make us!
MAGICIAN 1: Nyan, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.
PHARAOH: Oh, that's very mature.

And at this point the magicians got out of show business. I suspect they were never seen again.

Davening for Applesauce

Hanukkah started Friday night. As is our family tradition, Karen's parents came over and we had pot roast and latkes.

As is also traditional, my in-laws asked, "so, when did you start eating sour cream on your latkes", unable to hide the faint note of disdain when mentioning the "s-c word". See, in Judaism, just as there are divisions among Reform, Conservative and Orthodox lines, there are divisions between the "Chanukah" and "Hanukkah" spellers and between applesauce and sour cream consumers when it comes to latkes. Karen grew up in an applesauce family, but we have come to embrace both traditions in an effort to unify the two movements.

Between the strict Applesauce In-laws and the Sour Cream/Applesauce Revisionists, we ate all our applesauce. Saturday morning I went to Kroger to get some more. As I entered the Canned Fruits aisle, I noticed two men who were apparantly friends who happened to meet there and had just finished a brief chat. One man said, "Merry Christmas" and the other said (with some hesitancy) "Happy Ha-holidays."

The man who received this uncertain wish then joined me in a search for applesauce. The shelves had clearly not been restocked after the pre-Ha-holiday rush on Friday. We had to get down on our knees and reach to the back of the bottom shelf to find the last few jars of the stuff. We exchanged some innocuous comments about the experience. It seemed obvious to me that, based on his friend's uncertain Ha-holiday wishes and our shared quest for latke toppings, that the man was Jewish. I thought that and yet failed to wish him a Happy Hanukkah, uncertain myself and afraid I'd be embarrassed if I was wrong.

So let me extend to all of you (whoever is still reading this far) a Merry Christmas and a Happy Ha-holidays.

Happy Hanukkah too.


PS: Our sour cream useage dates back to when Karen got our recipe for latkes from our friend Debbie Greenwood (who is also Susan's long-time best friend and a Nutrition Sciences educator and a caterer to the stars.)