Under the program, people who, for lack of money, have been holding on to old, gas-guzzling vehicles, can get up to $4,500 to purchase new fuel-efficient cars. This is modeled after programs created by no longer existing financial institutions, which gave people the illusion they could afford homes beyond their financial means.
Though this plan is government sponsored it is also remarkably similar to the recent housing market driven swap in which newly unemployed folks are able to get as much as 10 cents on the dollar for their old home and move into living spaces made entirely of recyclable materials, such as cardboard.
Some have likened this program to the bailouts received by banks and brokerages. Officials point out that it is completely different because in the CARS program the government knows exactly where the money went. “Dealers have to submit forms to get approval. We know exactly who is getting every dollar. We didn’t need to do that with the bank bailout money.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you all, why the heck not? Why don’t you know where the bank bailout money went?”
“The bank bailout was just a few hundred billion dollars that went to large, failing institutions run by responsible, competent people. These are people experienced in financial finagling with very close ties to the current and former administrations and the Treasury Secretaries – literally intimate friends of Ben Bernanke and many members of Congress over the years. The CARS money is THREE BILLION DOLLARS going to ordinary people on the street. We can’t just GIVE it to them.”
In other local news, The Archdiocese of Cincinnati will not allow inflatable rides at their festivals anymore. Southwest Ohio has a big mass of Catholics, and Church festivals are their major form of Summer entertainment. A lot of the catholic churches are old buildings with no air conditioning. I imagine that when the weather gets hot, people stop going and the tithing stops flowing. So festivals are a way to raise money.
And money is the reason the inflatable rides are out. One recent Sunday in Middletown one of those rides flew away with a small boy on it. Other rides around the country have also become possessed and exorcism isn’t working “The increase in injuries and even fatalities led the archdiocese's insurance administrator to warn of potential liability, which in turn prompted diocesan officials to ban the rides this year.”
You read that right, according to the reporter, the injuries did not lead to the ban, the increased liability did. So, here in Southwest Ohio, kids are going to bed without having ridden an inflatable ride because of the insurance industry.
President Obama needs to address this amusement industry crisis of soaring prices of insurance for soaring rides. We need national amusement ride insurance like they have in Canada and Europe. Sure it might mean kids will have to stand in line longer for the rides and there will be greater delays in amusement, but these colorful, inflated bouncy things are a fundamental right guaranteed by the Constitution:
“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Beer Booths, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the prize Raffles, and secure the Amusement at Festivals to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”
Of course, if the number of obese children in Ohio keeps swelling, the Archdiocese won’t have to worry. The rides won’t beable to get off the ground with our kids on them.
Ohio may become one of many states to restrict credit card advertising on state university campuses because “students are enticed to sign up for cards by free gifts” and then, presumably, are powerless to avoid debt, despair and destruction. The message is that credit cards are like heroin, which everyone, given the slightest opportunity, would OD on, assuming they were first enticed with free gifts*.
The people who think that keeping credit cards away from the kids is the way to stop them from getting in debt are the same people who think that “abstinence only” will prevent pregnancy and STDs.
Credit cards are a tool for monetary transactions. People are tempted to use them unwisely and get into trouble unwittingly. Taking the tool out of someone’s hand does not end the temptation or prevent future trouble. (Ironically, with sex, putting the teen’s tool in his/her hand DOES reduce the potential problems).
We put 16-year-old kids inside massive death machines and send them off to driver’s training so they can learn to use the car responsibly. But we can’t teach them fiscal responsibility? No, because spending money you don’t have is the foundation of our economy. We can’t trust the President to not put us irretrievably into debt, so how can we trust the college students who campaigned for his election?
By example, American parents teach their children that money does not grow on trees, it sprouts from the wall at the mall or from free-standing ATMs. During March Madness college basketball games, we have been bombarded with commercials enticing us to get a certain credit card because we can put a cute picture on it. We are likewise flooded with ads urging us to buy beer, but at least the beer ads suggest that you “drink responsibly” – and, though I’ve tried, you can’t drink beer you don’t have.
Requiring credit card pimps to stay a hundred yards from campus won't do much to prevent credit card debt among students. A better law would be one requiring parents and educators to exhibit and teach the students responsibility and moderation in all things including law making.
(*NOTE: I am aware that it is a true fact that "free gift" is a repetitively redundant phrase, indicating overextended word use by a person needing verbal responsibility and restraint.)
America loves sleazy, skanky people on TV. Remember when spring break, became MTV Spring Break? The media not only took over a simple college vacation week, they morphed it into a sponsored frenzy that other media could then cover with whatever angle suited their demographic (from outrage at Fox News to jealous disdain by old rockers at VH1). It was the same thing that ESPN did by bringing play-by-play coverage to the innocent National Spelling Bee except the Bee has more underage teens and fewer t-shirt lifting skanks shaking it in the camera. Remember when Jerry Springer, the king of sleaze, hosted MTV’s Spring Break? Jerry Springer was once Mayor of Cincinnati. He ran for Governor of Ohio and once considered running for Senator here a few years ago. The people serving in Congress are no more qualified to be there than Jerry Springer. That is why it is ridiculous that Congress is now in charge of huge portions of the banking/investment industry. Sure the US Treasury is involved, but they are not set up to run real banking operations. Tim Geithner looks like one of the ‘socially awkward contestants from “The Pick-Up Artist”. And now, like MTV did with Spring Break, the media has made hearings of the Senate Finance Committee actually watchable. Senators and Representatives are making television for the masses with their trash-talking and put downs of the banking geeks who got s**tfaced on bad credit and pissed and puked all over the economy. Which, if our government was savvy enough, could be turned into a deficit reduction production with sponsorship of the high-budget reality show they are creating on the fly. All they need to really catapult this to the top of the ratings is Jerry Springer to host and maybe some girl-on-girl make out scenes with Feinstein and Pelosi. Seriously, what if they took the AIG executives and some taxpayers and put them all together in a house with cameras following them 24/7? The drama would unfold as the execs debated giving back their bonuses and romance developed among the opposing factions. Taxpayers would reveal their diminished assets and AIG execs would walk around in thongs stuffed with artificially enhanced wallets. This would make money for the government and perhaps save the lives of the Wall Street skanks as America falls in love with those bad boys. I’m going to pitch this to MTV, so give me some ideas of names for the show.
Regular readers of this blog know that I am a CPA. Irregular readers now know it too. Non-readers don’t know. Suck it, non-readers.
I figured it would be generous and condescending of me to offer some free financial advice in these uncertain times:
My advice is to find lots of ways to save small amounts of money. One thing I noticed at my house was that we have pens given out free by motels, bars, divorce lawyers, marriage counselors, Hamilton County Family Court, Cincinnati Free Clinic, etc. All these places want to advertise and I’m happy to promote them for all they’ve done to me. So now I have a bunch of pens and never have to buy them at Office Depot. If I save small amounts of money in many different ways, I can amass tens or even hundreds of dollars.
So I advise staying in hotels often. When you check in, you will find they have supplied your room with a pad of paper and a pen. Stick these in your suitcase. In just a few stays at different hotels, you can amass enough free stationery and writing tools to last a year. Also, go out to dinner often and pay with a credit card; then take home the pen they gave you to sign the receipt with. Restaurants are also a good source for free Styrofoam containers, lunch bags and little peppermint candies.
You know those prepaid postage cards they blow into magazines? They make great postcards. First, go on vacation, so you have a reason to do this. Buy some magazines to take with you and collect all the subscription cards. Use the name and address section to write your "great weather...wish you were here" crap. Then stick a blank label over the magazine's address on the other side (oh yeah, buy some blank labels to take with you also). Write the address you are sending the card to on the label and mail it. Free postage! Thanks, New Yorker! (Bonus: Stay in a hotel on your trip and collect the free paper and pens!)
If any of you have similar money saving ideas, please list them in the comments.
A CUSTOMER ENTERS THE STOCK MARKET Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. Broker: We're closin' for recession. Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about these stocks what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Broker: Oh yes, the, uh, the Dow Jones Industrials average...What's,uh...What's wrong with it? Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It’s crashed, that's what's wrong with it! Broker: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting. Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a crashed market when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. Broker: No no it's not crashed, it’s, it’s restin'! Remarkable index, the Dow Jones, idn'it, ay? Beautiful price weighting! Mr. Praline: The price weighting don't enter into it. It's stone crashed. Broker: Nononono, no, no! 'It's resting! Mr. Praline: All right then, if it’s restin', I'll spike it up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Dow Jones! I've got a lovely fresh cut interest rates for you if you show... (Broker completes a short sale) Broker: There, it moved up! Mr. Praline: No, it didn't, that was you profiting on a price drop! Broker: I never!! Mr. Praline: Yes, you did! Broker: I never, never did anything... Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the stock ticker repeatedly) 'ELLO DOW!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your 1929 alarm call! (Brings market graphs up on computer and watches prices plummet.) Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a market crash. Broker: No, no.....No, it's a sell-off! Mr. Praline: SELL-OFF?!? Broker: Yeah! You sold the stocks, just as they was goin' up! Dow Jones indices sell-off easily, major. Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That stock market definitely crashed, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged banking boo boo. Broker: Well, it’s...it’s, ah...probably pining for the tech bubble. Mr. Praline: PININ' for the TECH BUBBLE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on the 8000’s the moment I got it home? Broker: The Dow Jones prefers it’s ups and downs! Remarkable index, id'nit, squire? Lovely price weighting! Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that market when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting over 10,000 in the first place was that it had been bailed out. (pause) Broker: Well, o'course it was there! If the government hadn't bailed out some of the brokers, it would have gone VOOM! Feeweeweewee! Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this market wouldn't "voom" if you put 700 billion volts through it! It's bleedin' crashed! Broker: No no! It’s pining! Mr. Praline: It’s not pinin'! It’s passed on! This market is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet it's broker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If the government hadn't bailed it out it’d be pushing up the daisies! It's economic processes are now 'istory! It’s off the market! It’s kicked the bucket, It’s shuffled off it's financial coil, run down the ticker and joined the bleedin' choir uninvestible!! THIS IS A CRASHED MARKET!! (pause) Broker: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of healthy indexes Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture. Broker: I got a slug. (pause) Mr. Praline: Pray, is it profitable? Broker: Nnnnot really. Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!? Broker: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet) Mr. Praline: Well. (pause) Broker: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to do some dollar cost averaging? Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
Why do people begrudge the AIG executives a much needed rest at an overpriced spa on the beach in California? These people nearly lost their jobs and would have been out on the street with mere millions of dollars in their pockets. Running a monolithic financial institution into the ground is hard work. It causes stress and dry skin in the executives who are not just responsible for directing their own collapse, they were in charge of the collapse of a global economy. We have seen pictures in recent years of people bailing out flood waters from their homes in the gulf. I can only imagine the strain it puts on Wall Street CEO's to watch millions of taxpayers bail out their Wall Street offices. Who wouldn't need a $1,000 massage after trauma like that? I hid a microphone in one of the spa rooms. I know it is illegal, but I'm a Bill O'Reilly type of guy who believes that your right to know supersedes your right to exist. Here's what I picked up: SINGING: Hot hot hot, ho ho hos And a couple of trollop dolls That’s how we throw your cash away In Saint Regis Resort and Spas Booze booze booze Pate fois gras And a bucket of Haagen Daz That’s how we spend our bailout pay In Saint Regis Resort and Spas We failed AIG And we still got paid a ton Congress bailed us out So our pillaging is not done Gosh, this is fun Ten billion here, ten billion there Soon you’re talking a lotta moolah But half a mill isn’t much to spill In Saint Regis Resort and Spas (BOOM) MAN: It's Henry Waxman flying by on a broom with a sign! WOMAN: What does it say? What does it say? MAN: "Surrender your golden parachutes."
I am just a poor boy Now my stocks have all been sold I have squandered my retirement For a pile of bullshit numbers: Sub-prime mortgages All lies, at best And they say fear’s all we have to fear ‘Cause fear’s all we have left Hmmmmm…
Well I lost my home for my family And I mortgaged my first born To a coterie of bankers He’s indentured to some Wall Street brokers, selling shares Buying low, seeking out the desperate sellers where the bottom feeders go Sucking dry the carcasses of those who owe
They paid me no severance wages When I lost my steady job And I get no buyout Or no golden parachute like CEO’s are due I do declare, failed fat cats get deliverance And we just get despair
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Now they’re laying out some lame excuse for failures and bad loans Foreclosed homes And they never blame their fevor to derugulate, legislate For their own
In the Congress sits Bernanke And Hank Paulson does the same Asking 700 billion, with no oversight or payback To the victims of their f***ups Feel no shame and take no blame “We need bailouts on a blank check” And the bastards still remain
“Testosterone, best known as the male sex hormone, affects aggression, confidence and risk-taking.” That was the basis for a recent study showing that “those with higher levels of testosterone in the morning were more likely to” aggressively and confidently take risks and achieve success. Any man can tell you what conclusions the researchers drew from this: it explains why coach didn’t want his players having sex the night before a game: saving up all that testosterone would lead to aggressive play and a big win the next day. But no, these researchers studied the link between testosterone and stock market trading. Careful reading of the article explains why they didn’t consider the sports connection: they are “researchers at the University of Cambridge in England”, not manly American men. One of the researchers was from Northwestern University in the USA, but did not grasp the importance of this study vis a vis sports because she was, technically, not a man. Camelia Kuhnen, … said Coates and Herbert's findings "… help support the claim that emotion influences financial decisions." Psssh, like testosterone has anything to do with emotion. Leave it to women to confuse emotional response with visceral response; they are, after all, the same creatures who confuse intimacy with sex. Speaking of sex, this study “comes less than two weeks after U.S. researchers reported that young men shown erotic pictures were more likely to make a larger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary, such as a snake, or something neutral, such as a stapler.” So I know you’re saying, “hey, these American researchers linked sex hormones and finance, are they from San Francisco or what?” No, the difference here is that the English nancy boy researchers started with a hypothesis about testosterone and risk-taking and immediately thought of not-sports. The Americans started with nothing but snake, a stapler and some porn and immediately thought, “Hey, how can we use these the things to get a grant instead of a real job.” Those same US researchers said, “Money and women trigger the same brain area in men.” Now, the odds that they are correct are good because there are not that many different brain areas in men. However, it does not seem intuitively correct because I have a completely different response to Money magazine than I do to Playboy magazine. Perhaps I’m making the wrong comparison. Maybe I need to compare my response to Money with my response to a Women Today magazine, which is, indeed, the same: I like money, I want to hold money, I want to use money but I don’t want to read about money and I never expect to understand what money thinks about or why it needs so many pairs of shoes. This screen shot from Friday’s MSNBC web page helps understand why male responses to money and women are linked: It says that results from companies like Citigroup helped boost stock prices. Right next to that it says “Citigroup posts big loss, to cut 9000 (jobs)”. That is completely illogical and incomprehensible, that is, it triggers precisely the same response in my brain as women do.
I've got no money and it's breaking my heart, but I've got a federal handout and that's a start.
Under the program, people who, for lack of money, have been holding on to old, gas-guzzling vehicles, can get up to $4,500 to purchase new fuel-efficient cars. This is modeled after programs created by no longer existing financial institutions, which gave people the illusion they could afford homes beyond their financial means.
Some have likened this program to the bailouts received by banks and brokerages. Officials point out that it is completely different because in the CARS program the government knows exactly where the money went. “Dealers have to submit forms to get approval. We know exactly who is getting every dollar. We didn’t need to do that with the bank bailout money.”
