B double-E R S U double-M I T - Beer Summit!

Today is the big beer summit at the White House. You might think that, if President Obama were going to try and resolve something over drinks, he might be sitting around with key Democratic and Republican legislators trying to get a deal done on health care.

But President O stumbled into the briar patch of a black Harvard professor being arrested by a white Boston cop and now we have to deal with the racial implications as a nation.

As the Daily Show advised: “Alcohol is not how you resolve a racial incident, it’s how you start one.” We already have disagreement on the choice of beer. “Obama is opting for a Bud Lite, while Gates is said to be partial to Red Stripe from Jamaica. Crowley's preference is for Blue Moon, a Belgian-Style beer, made by Coors.”

Ironically, George Bush was the politician that Americans purportedly would prefer to have a beer with. I would have guessed the Big O was a wine drinker, but he’s trying to shake the image of “elitist prick, turning us into Europe”, so he’s been chowing down on hamburgers with Joe Biden and now drinking Bud Lite.

Still, you know this will not start out well.
CROWLEY: All due respect, Mr. President, we have some other fine beers that would provide a little more taste. Blue Moon from Coors or even Sam Adams from my home town.

GATES: You impress me, Officer Crowley. I would have thought Bud Lite was a staple for you.

CROWLEY: What? Because I’m a cop? Wouldn’t you call that “profiling”? Huh? You wanna ask me if I’m gonna dunk a doughnut in my beer?

GATES (SMUGLY): It was merely that I thought that Bud Lite was preferred by you and your peers.

CROWLEY: “My peers”? Is that like saying “you people”? I got as much class as any Harvard professor and I know some good beers. I thought you and “your peers” would be Colt Malt Liquor men, but I can also see where you go for that reggae Red Stripe crap from Jama….

GATES (jumping up): If you say “Jamaica, mon”, I will #@$% you up!

OBAMA: Gentlemen, gentlemen! Crowley, put the handcuffs back. Don't be stupid!

ANNOUNCER: Bud Lite presents, Real Men of Genius

SINGER: Real men of geeen-ius

ANNOUNCER: Today we salute you, Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

SINGER: Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

ANNOUNCER: Thanks to you we don’t need Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton showing up, making long speeches about lingering racial hatred. We don’t have to listen to Jesse try to rhyme his way through a puffed-up, publicity-seeking, press conference.
You can throw out a few ill-advised comments at the end of a totally unrelated press conference and turn what should have been a short-lived, isolated incident into a national cause célèbre … with beer.
So here’s to you, Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer. Thanks to you, Fox News, MSNBC and CNN have filler for their 24-hour $#!% stirring festivals.

SINGER: Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

ANNOUNCER: Bud Lite beer, Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri.

Stock of Love

America loves sleazy, skanky people on TV.
Remember when spring break, became MTV Spring Break? The media not only took over a simple college vacation week, they morphed it into a sponsored frenzy that other media could then cover with whatever angle suited their demographic (from outrage at Fox News to jealous disdain by old rockers at VH1).
It was the same thing that ESPN did by bringing play-by-play coverage to the innocent National Spelling Bee except the Bee has more underage teens and fewer t-shirt lifting skanks shaking it in the camera.
Remember when Jerry Springer, the king of sleaze, hosted MTV’s Spring Break? Jerry Springer was once Mayor of Cincinnati. He ran for Governor of Ohio and once considered running for Senator here a few years ago.
The people serving in Congress are no more qualified to be there than Jerry Springer. That is why it is ridiculous that Congress is now in charge of huge portions of the banking/investment industry. Sure the US Treasury is involved, but they are not set up to run real banking operations. Tim Geithner looks like one of the ‘socially awkward contestants from “The Pick-Up Artist”.
And now, like MTV did with Spring Break, the media has made hearings of the Senate Finance Committee actually watchable. Senators and Representatives are making television for the masses with their trash-talking and put downs of the banking geeks who got s**tfaced on bad credit and pissed and puked all over the economy. Which, if our government was savvy enough, could be turned into a deficit reduction production with sponsorship of the high-budget reality show they are creating on the fly.
All they need to really catapult this to the top of the ratings is Jerry Springer to host and maybe some girl-on-girl make out scenes with Feinstein and Pelosi.
Seriously, what if they took the AIG executives and some taxpayers and put them all together in a house with cameras following them 24/7? The drama would unfold as the execs debated giving back their bonuses and romance developed among the opposing factions. Taxpayers would reveal their diminished assets and AIG execs would walk around in thongs stuffed with artificially enhanced wallets.
This would make money for the government and perhaps save the lives of the Wall Street skanks as America falls in love with those bad boys.
I’m going to pitch this to MTV, so give me some ideas of names for the show.

Happy New Year, Everybody

No, I'm not getting the jump on anything; 2008 is over. Just as I wrote about last year, the lists of what happened in 2008 are already coming out (MSNBC has the dead celebrity lineup on their front page today - last year it didn't come out until after Christmas). Just like everything else in this economy, 2008 has been marked down from 365 days to 350. Hey, the sooner we get past 2008, the sooner George W leaves and Barack takes over, so let's move it.
Seeing as I'm done for 2008, let's just go into reruns; here's another entry I wrote at the end of last year.
Oh, and what was the best thing about 2008 in your opinion?

If It's Not Something, It's Something Else

There is some concern now about John McCain's VP choice. It involves her family. It seems that Palin tried to get her former brother-in-law fired from his job as a state trooper. Then she fired the public safety director who refused to carry out her order. There are rumors about cover ups and special rules to get her cell phone records protected.
I admit this is not that big a scandal, but it seems that it would be the talk of the news shows anyway, as they speculate and insinuate and try to fill their hours of coverage. But they are not talking about that because they are talking about Palin's daughter being pregnant instead. Yes, sex trumps everything these days. It drives mere political corruption right off the front page.
Quite convenient, wouldn't you say? Palin supposedly had to announce the pregnancy to quash rumors that Sarah's own son was actually her grandson. I think the whole thing was carefully orchestrated. I'm starting the rumor that Sarah Palin encouraged her daughter to get pregnant in order to push that Troopergate story aside. It's perfect, isn't it? They get the girl pregnant. Then they start a rumor that Sarah's son is actually her grandson. Then they announce the pregnancy to prove the rumor false and they accuse the liberal press and Obama of having started the rumors. It's classic! I smell Karl Rove!
Plus, Sarah Palin gets to reinforce her pro-life stance by announcing that her daughter will not have an abortion. "We're going to keep the baby and call it 'Checkers'," she proclaimed.
You know what the really horrible part of this whole thing is: they called the state trooper firing story "troopergate." When will "gate" finally disappear as a suffix tacked on to every political scandal? Can't they think of anything new? What's more, the whole word "Troopergate" is not even original. Troopergate was already copyrighted by another politician: a man who lost his job after a scandal involving state police and abuse of power - after it, but not because of it. New York Democratic Governor Eliot Spitzer's Troopergate story was trumped by .... a sex scandal.

Wanted Dead or LIVE!

This is a sad story. I, in no way, want to make light of someone being killed, even if he was a politician.
What drew my attention to the story was a link that said "Arkansas Democratic Leader Shot Dead." "Shot dead" always sounds odd to me, possibly because I am the sort of geek who can slide right past the human tragedy and become obsessed the vagaries of English. If he had not died, there is no parallel construction to describe his condition: one can be shot dead or shot to death but never shot wounded or shot to woundedness. One can be shot and live to tell about it but one can not be shot live. Unless one is a reporter.
Reporters are constantly being shot LIVE! It bothers me when a reporter says, "So, Jim, thousands of people are dead as a result of this disaster and many more are missing and presumed dead. I'm E. Norma Stouchbag, LIVE, on the scene with Channel 1 News." To me, that has the same mocking tone as "I ha-ave ice cream and you-oo do-on't." It's "I-i'm ali-ive and you-oo are-en't."
What's the big deal about being LIVE, anyway? Maybe back in the day, when sending moving pictures through the air to a TV studio and broadcasting them through a TV box was akin to getting a competent leader to run for President (i.e. nearly impossible) it was worth promoting. But now when everything is broadcast LIVE, even when the reporter is standing in front of an empty building in the dark after whatever stuff that went down, already went down hours ago, it seems superfluous at best to announce it every stinking time.
Maybe every time a reporter says that from now on, they ought to shot to injury.

Follow the footprints to Humor-Blogs.com and vote for my entries.

Fake Sky Walker

The Beijing opening ceremony was "enhanced" by insertion of animated, pre-recorded fireworks footprints. What is even worse is that the young girl with the beautiful voice was not the girl we saw. They put some "cute" little girl out there instead because "The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feeling and expression."
Now all the broadcasts emanating from the Olympics are being tested for image enhancing animation. Coverage of men's synchronized diving may be banned because "the announcers comments were enhanced with far more animated response than could possibly be generated by such an event."
NBC has been accused of misrepresenting Cris Collinsworth as an Olympic sport analyst as opposed to a football color commentator. However the network was cleared when it was determined that putting Collinsworth on the team does not enhance the presentation; it is more of a "doping" violation.

Follow the footprints to Humor-Blogs.com and vote for my entries.

And David’s Battle With Goliath Does Not Qualify Him To Be King

Retired General Wesley Clark remarked that John McCain’s experience as a prisoner of war does not make him qualified to be President. From the reaction,you would have thought he said Mother Theresa’a work with lepers does not qualify her to be the CEO of Humana Insurance, which, well, it doesn’t; but she is a sacrosanct icon, like McCain The War Hero.
Clark’s statement was basically true. As Bill Brohaugh says, “McCain's sacrifice is unquestioned. And may no human being have to endure what he endured. But to translate that experience into presidential leadership is about the same as saying Patty Hearst hould now be running Bank of America.” My comment to Bill was, “Clark's words are particularly true because the isolation, beatings and interrogation that McCain endured in no way prepare him for the much more punishing media abuse one must endure during a Presidential campaign.” Accordingly, for Clark now, there has been a media frenzy, a rush to repudiation and, the inevitable apology. (It was stupid of Clark anyway: Obama’s non-experience in the military does not qualify him either. And do they want to start comparing quantity of Senate experience? General, just stick to the issues and talk about “Bush’s 3rd term”).
Now even Alanis Morissette has chimed in with a new song about Clark’s “gaffe”:

An old man turned ninety-eight
Had been in Viet Nam and was locked away
He was tortured in ways I cannot say
Doesn’t mean he can lead the free world today
But isn't he iconic... don't you think?

John McCain’s military dossier
Is a free ride, so watch out what you say
That's gen'ral advice Wesley just didn't take
And he got shot...in news wars

Wesley Clarks’ not afraid to die
He served in war and almost went bye-bye
Believes that John McCain is a damn brave guy
But ‘cause his plane crashed down doesn’t
make his Prez bid fly
But isn't he iconic... don't you think?

John McCain’s military dossier
Is a free ride, so watch out what you say
That's gen'ral advice Wesley just didn't take
And he got shot...in news wars

No matter how much the Viet Cong tortured you
Or beat you, interrogated you or shot you through and through
Does not prepare you for what the press can do
You think you said something true and everything blows up
In your face

They’ll jump on you for the least mistake
They twist your words, won’t give you a break
Demand apologies, though what you said is right
But give McCain a pass when he insults his wife
’Cause isn't he iconic...don't you think?
A little too iconic...and, yeah, I really do think...

John McCain’s military dossier
Is a free ride, so watch out what you say
That's gen'ral advice Wesley just didn't take
And he got shot...in news wars
The press has a way of beating up on you
Press has a funny, funny way of calling you out
Calling you out

Humor Blogs are iconic. click here.

It's Too Late, Baby

What happens to the media stars when they die after Christmas? I have already seen the annual recap of celeb deaths on MSNBC (video I can't easily link to) and here (also note the link to "openly gay celebrities" and the sequel: "More openly gay celebrities" - Because we always update our Gay Celeb List and our Dead Celeb List at the end of every year). Is there a prize for being first to compile the death list? If it comes out Jan 1, does everyone ignore it because they are all looking forward to who will be the first to die in 2008?
On the plus side of the year-end rush to compile stuff, if your company is going to make an embarassing PR move, now is the time to do it. The list of biggest PR bloopers for 2007 is done. Feel free to issue a press release ridiculing crippled children and puppies any time in the next 4 days.
Are we just tired of 2007 already? I got the above picture, celebrating 2008, on 12/27/07.
A few days ago, on Christmas Eve, I happened to see Father Time as he was on his way out the year end.
"Where the heck are you going?" I asked.
"My obituary is already being written. Next week is just down time. No one will notice if I'm gone."
"Baby New Year needs someone to bring him in on Times Square. You have to be there."
"Feh, can't we just do it now? The 2007 statistics are all compiled, the reviews are done, everything is capped and recapped. I am going to Florida."
So, celebritneys, please hold on a few days. If you die this week, you don't get on the 2007 or the 2008 list and your demise will just be a waste. But, again, on the upside, I think you can flash your hoo-ha getting out of a limo and it'll go unnoticed if you do it prior to New year's Eve.