Monday, November 17, 2008


Click here for contest results
Three (count 'em) ways to win a copy of this book:
How to Profit From The Coming Rapture” (“Getting Ahead When You’re left Behind”) by Steve and Evie Levy (I’m assuming that’s “lee-vee”) (as told to Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman) is “The investment guide the Antichrist doesn’t want you to read”. I imagine the Prochrist doesn’t really want you to either, but they had me at the title.
I am not going to ascend when the Rapture comes. I have been assured of this by experts (I am chosen, not saved). I have read “Rapture Ready” and learned that I am not. So I need this new book.
As explained on the back cover, “about 1.5 billion people will join (Jesus) in Heaven. Five billion of the rest of us…will still be here, with questions…Including…What real estate to unload when the sun turns black and the mountains start shifting.”
Inside the book is a “Rapture-Tribulation Timeline” followed by a careful, chronological explanation of what will be happening on Earth and how you can be prepared and make some bucks along the way.
For example, when the Third Temple is built, if you have stocked up on kippot, and tallit, you can set up a little concession stand or gift shop and make a nice profit.
Now, that’s actually getting ahead of the story. You need to read the book from the beginning to understand the progression of events and do all the necessary things, in the proper order, to make the most out of your opportunities prior to Armageddon. (Knock, knock. Who’s there? Armageddon. Armageddon who? Armageddon married in the morning. These types of jokes are just one reason I will not see you in Heaven)
Odds are that some of you don’t need the book because you are saved. I still think you will find it funny, imagining the rest of us trying to cash in on famine and pestilence while you are strumming harps and eating ambrosia. I don’t think you will be punished for reading it, like you would for reading, say, Harry Potter, which promotes witchcraft and for which royalties go to the Devil. This book does not encourage people to hang around for the Tribulation and hook up with the Antichrist ("you'll come for the hail of fire but stay for the river of blood!"); it is a survival book in the event you don’t get called up to the majors. (Caution: I am clearly not well stocked with grace or faith, so don’t take my word for any of this).
Anyway, how can you win a copy of this book?
1) You can write a short, creative item (song, haiku, couplet, whatever) about the End Times (e.g. “On the First Seal of End Times, the Rapture brought to me, the Antichrist and a blasphemy.”)
2) If you will or would just like to ascend during the Rapture, tell me what celebrity would you want to travel with and WHY (don’t forget the why). The celebrity must be alive as of the date and time of your comment but need not be saved or even morally upstanding.
3) Write some other amusing comment about the book, the Rapture, the End Times, a related topic or about this review.
That’s right – three books will be given away. The contest ends, Wednesday, Nov. 26 or when the Rapture begins, whichever comes first. Click on comments and begin.


Susan said...

I would like to attend the Rapture with Johnny Depp. Because he is hot! Duh! Also because he is a great character actor and I'd never get bored. Not that you could get bored in Heaven.

al in la said...

The sequel:

"The Horny Guy's Guide to he the Coming Rapture--Getting Head When Your left Behind"

Cali said...

When Jesus comes you might be saved
The rest, the way to hell is paved
If stuck behind, left in ditch
Good Lord, you might as well be rich

The Anti-Christ knows all, they say
But left to him, your future’s gray
He keeps the money for himself
So pick this book up off the shelf

Though disease and famine plague the land
You will have the upper hand
When mountains shift and the sun turns black
The presidents have got your back

The river of blood and hail of fire
Though against you doth conspire
The sight of green and smell of dough
Will dull the pain, agony, misery and wo

Susan said...

Nice job Cali! I vote for you.

Mister said...

the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment reselling these cards

Cali said...

Thanks Susan! I just really really really really want that book. *wink*

Bill Brohaugh said...

Hmm. Not Rapture Rap (go rapture, go rapture, go rapture). Not a Sue Grafton mystery novel ("R is for Rmaggedon": the entire universe is dead--whodunnit?). Ah . . . maybe Harry Belafante singing Day-O.

Deus . . . Day-ay-ay-us!
Deus come and he take-a me home!
Die . . . we say die, we say die, we say die
Deus come and he take-a me home!

Bring on night, blot out the sun
Deus come and he take-a me home!
Stack-a manna for de mourning come
Deus come and he take-a me home!

Come Peter Sainty-man, tally me the manna
Deus come and he take-a me home!
Come Peter Sainty-man, let me meet Madonna
Deus come and he take-a me home!

Eight hoof, twelve hoof, horsemen four!
Deus come and he take-a me home!
40 days, forty nights, eternity more!
Deus come and he take-a me home!

Die . . . we say die, we say die, we say die
Deus come and he take-a me home!

(Yeah, me loves a good Apocalypso tune . . .)

therblig said...

If going to the Rapture is where we're all drove
I'd like to be in the company of Karl Rove
Or his former boss, George Dubya B
Cause then I'd be sure that the bar was set low enough for me

Soupaddict Karen said...

Bill, I was really jamming on your little ditty until I hit "Apocalypso tune". Surely such a pun immediately disqualifies you....

Bill Brohaugh said...

A soupaddict friend of mine once told me that she creates her recipes by concocting a delicious-sounding name first. That entire ditty grew out of that awful pun popping into my head.

Deborah said...

Armageddon Day.
I guess that crap was all true.
Wow, I'm really fucked.

Bill Brohaugh said...

Deborah: I compliment you on your Haikapolypse.

Deborah said...

Thanks, Bill. I like your Apocalypso tune as well. The hoof line is my favorite.

Susan said...

The rapture is on its way
But here on earth is where I’ll stay
To make some money (that's what I want)
Whole lot of money (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want