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Three (count 'em) ways to win a copy of this book:
“How to Profit From The Coming Rapture” (“Getting Ahead When You’re left Behind”) by Steve and Evie Levy (I’m assuming that’s “lee-vee”) (as told to Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman) is “The investment guide the Antichrist doesn’t want you to read”. I imagine the Prochrist doesn’t really want you to either, but they had me at the title.
I am not going to ascend when the Rapture comes. I have been assured of this by experts (I am chosen, not saved). I have read “Rapture Ready” and learned that I am not. So I need this new book.
As explained on the back cover, “about 1.5 billion people will join (Jesus) in Heaven. Five billion of the rest of us…will still be here, with questions…Including…What real estate to unload when the sun turns black and the mountains start shifting.”
Inside the book is a “Rapture-Tribulation Timeline” followed by a careful, chronological explanation of what will be happening on Earth and how you can be prepared and make some bucks along the way.
For example, when the Third Temple is built, if you have stocked up on kippot, and tallit, you can set up a little concession stand or gift shop and make a nice profit.
Now, that’s actually getting ahead of the story. You need to read the book from the beginning to understand the progression of events and do all the necessary things, in the proper order, to make the most out of your opportunities prior to Armageddon. (Knock, knock. Who’s there? Armageddon. Armageddon who? Armageddon married in the morning. These types of jokes are just one reason I will not see you in Heaven)
Odds are that some of you don’t need the book because you are saved. I still think you will find it funny, imagining the rest of us trying to cash in on famine and pestilence while you are strumming harps and eating ambrosia. I don’t think you will be punished for reading it, like you would for reading, say, Harry Potter, which promotes witchcraft and for which royalties go to the Devil. This book does not encourage people to hang around for the Tribulation and hook up with the Antichrist ("you'll come for the hail of fire but stay for the river of blood!"); it is a survival book in the event you don’t get called up to the majors. (Caution: I am clearly not well stocked with grace or faith, so don’t take my word for any of this).
Anyway, how can you win a copy of this book?
1) You can write a short, creative item (song, haiku, couplet, whatever) about the End Times (e.g. “On the First Seal of End Times, the Rapture brought to me, the Antichrist and a blasphemy.”)
2) If you will or would just like to ascend during the Rapture, tell me what celebrity would you want to travel with and WHY (don’t forget the why). The celebrity must be alive as of the date and time of your comment but need not be saved or even morally upstanding.
3) Write some other amusing comment about the book, the Rapture, the End Times, a related topic or about this review.
That’s right – three books will be given away. The contest ends, Wednesday, Nov. 26 or when the Rapture begins, whichever comes first. Click on comments and begin.