John and Les and Eunice

I called the E! Entertainment celebrity death desk today and talked to my friend, Giddy Golightly.

ME: You busy today?

GIDDY: No, just the usual. You know, waiting for people to die. They have to go in a packet of three or I have no "Celebrity Death Roundup" show.

ME: Well, we've had three in August already.

GIDDY: Wait. What? Who?

ME: Well, John Hughes.

GIDDY: Oh my god. I know. (SNIFF) Oh my god, I learned about real life from his movies. "Sixteen Candles", "The Breakfast Club", "Pretty in Pink" - I learned how to be a teenager from those movies. Oh my god. I can't believe he's gone.

ME: Well, maybe it was time.

GIDDY: I know. Right. Wait. What?

ME: Well, he died before he could make "Beethoven's 6th" or "Home Alone 5". I think he peaked in the early nineties. I'm just saying.

GIDDY: Sacrilege. Who else died?

ME: Les Paul died today.

GIDDY: Les Paul Who?

ME: Just Les Paul. He created a classic electric guitar and invented a lot of recording techniques. He's very well known in the music biz. Plus he had a recording career way back, solo and with his wife.

GIDDY: If you say so. Who is the third?

ME: Eunice Kennedy Shriver. She created the Special Olympics and built it into a worldwide organization.

GIDDY: Oh, of course. She was the best Kennedy, wasn't she?

ME: The very best.

GIDDY: But, oh my god. These are three totally different people. Films, music, sports. There's no connection.

ME: They all created very special things. All of them meant something to your generation and others: rock and rollers, teenagers who just wanted to fit in and feel special and special people who just wanted to fit in. You can build your show around that.

GIDDY: It'll be a nice tribute to all three.

That's The Way It Is, Or the Way It Was. I Get Them Confused.

I got an urgent breakfast invitation from my friend and E! News celebrity death correspondent, Giddy Golightly. We met at the Mom's Country Cholesterol and Vegan Homestyle Diner which caters to the health conscious hipster and the walking cardiac case. As I dug into my biscuits and sausage gravy, Holly sipped on an organic pomegranate smoothie and laid out her problem.

GIDDY: How can you eat that stuff? Okay, so Walter Cronkite died and I have to cover it. What's my hook? I mean, if a music superstar or actor dies, they mostly do it young and tragically while they are still relevant. Cronkite is that old news guy, right? Or was that Captain Kangaroo? I get them confused.

ME: Cronkite was a the news guy who comforted our parents when JFK died. Kangaroo was the kid's show host who comforted the children when Bunny Rabbit stole the carrots. Captain Kangaroo was the father of Mr. Conductor from the Thomas the Tank Engine show.

GIDDY: Oooooohhhh. Okay. That helps. Wait. No it doesn't. I'm covering Cronkite. Whose father was he?

ME: Cronkite was everyone's favorite Uncle Walter. But aren't you also covering the death of Gordon Waller? He died yesterday too.

GIDDY: BLANK STARE

ME: Of Peter and Gordon. Now, you might confuse them with Chad and Jeremy.

GIDDY: I know. Right? Wait. What?

ME: Peter and Gordon, Chad and Jeremy. They were part of the "British Invasion."

GIDDY: Oh my god. you give me JFK's death and now the Revolutionary War? These are things from history class for my audience. (SHE GRABBED A FORK FULL OF MY SAUSAGE GRAVY)

ME: No, the British invasion was the Beatles, the Stones, the Dave Clark Five and all those groups. Peter and Gordon had a leg up because Peter Asher's sister was Jane Asher - Paul McCartney's girlfriend. But Chad and Jeremy played "The Redcoats" on the Dick Van Dyke show.

GIDDY (TAKING A BITE OF MY HASH BROWNS): Like I said, Revolutionary War. I'm not stupid.

ME: No. So, anyway, there's your connection. Cronkite is famous for his JFK and space program coverage in the 60s and Peter and Gordon were stars in the 60s.

GIDDY: So who's the third one? I explained to you how they die in threes, right?

ME: Well, Robert McNamara died a couple weeks ago. He was the architect of the Viet Nam war in the 60s. Don't confuse him with the band leader.

GIDDY: BLANK STARE

ME: Nevermind. But there's also Dallas McKennon, who died a few days ago. He was the voice of Gumby, Buzz Buzzard and Archie Andrews in cartoons.

GIDDY (FRUSTRATED): I asked for your help and you just try and confuse me. Eddie Murphy was Gumby. I wish he'd died. People at least know who Eddie Murphy is.

ME: (INCREDULOUS STARE) Um, they made a cartoon out of Eddie's Gumby character and Dallas McKennon did the voice. And "Dallas" goes with JFK's assassination covered by Cronkite. So now you have 4 connections instead of three.

GIDDY: I'm going with Gumby. No one cares about McNamara and the Viet Nam War, right? I wonder if SNL will have Eddie Murphy on to do a tribute to Gumby? Are you going to eat all your bacon?

Easy As A B C, 1 2 3

UPDATED - see below

I dropped by the offices of the E! Entertainment universe today to see my editor friend, Giddy Golightly. I saw her in brief flashes as she zipped by, bouncing off the walls, running from desk to desk working on stories, videos and TV shows.

GIDDY: Oh. My. God. JohnnyB, this has been the most amazing week ever. Right? Do you know how many people have died?

ME: Quite a number. I just heard about a plane crash that …

She paused just long enough to give me a good look at a seriously sarcastic eye roll and cut me off mid-sentence.

GIDDY: Not people people, staaarrr people. Do you know how many stars have died?

ME: No, I’ve lost count.

GIDDY: A gazillion. (SIGH) And more every day. We can’t even keep up with the tributes and specials and interviews and updates on where to drop flowers and stuffed animals and news on how distant acquaintances are handling the grief and …

ME: Pretty weird how they are all bunched together.

GIDDY: I know. Right? I mean, we had plenty of time to cover David Carradine. Then we started in on Ed McMahon and he got pushed aside by Farrah – well, that’s no biggie; I mean let PBS or the History Channel cover the Ed, they’re his peeps. And then Michael Jackson and Billy Mays.

ME: I haven’t heard much talk about Gale Storm.

GIDDY: Oh my god, Gale Storm died? Who’s he? And what kind of name is that?

ME: It was HER stage name. Her real name was Tempest Typhoon. Here’s a photo of her. And now Fred Travalena died. Here’s a news story and a bio on him.

Giddy suddenly stopped her frantic racing around, gaped at me and sat down hard.

ME: It’s okay, Fred was getting old.

GIDDY: I don't care about Fred Tampolino or whoever. No, it’s just … the whole system is messed up,

ME: What system?

GIDDY: (ANOTHER EYE ROLL) The star death system. They are supposed to go in threes.
I mean, normally you just put names in a line and circle three at a time and those go together ..

ME: Like the way the ancient people picked a random clump of stars and just drew a picture around it and said, “look, a bear”, or “an archer” or whatever.

GIDDY: I know. Right? Wait, what? Don’t confuse me. The trouble is, we have 7 deaths.

ME: Eight - David Carradine. Ed McMahon, Sky Saxon (founder of the Seeds rock group), Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Gale Storm, Billy Mays, Fred Travalena.

GIDDY: How are we going to do our “Death Comes In Threes” feature? Golly, I can put Fawcett and Jackson your Seed man together. They all died the same day. Then …

ME: No Fawcett goes with Storm and Travalena. (GIDDY MADE A FACE). See Gale Storm and Farrah Fawcett were both pin-up girls. And Travalena once performed in a sitcom with Farrah. Now Saxon and Jackson obviously go together and, considering the way he died, you can link Michael with David Carradine. You know, "Jacks-on" and "jacks o…

GIDDY: But that leaves Mays and McMahon as a pair.

ME: Well, McMahon started out as a pitchman and Mays was a pitchman. All you need is to wait for another TV pitchman or announcer to die – or maybe a baseball pitcher. Celebrities are dropping like flies. You won’t have to wait long.

GIDDY: Ha. Ha. Coming up with another dead person is hard! You think it’s all just an easy joke.

ME: Oh no, you’ve got it backwards. Dying is easy, comedy is hard.

UPDATE 7/1/09
I just got a phone call
GIDDY: Guess what? You were right!
ME: Of course. About what?
GIDDY: Karl Malden pitched American Express!
ME: Classic commercials.
GIDDY: I know. Right? So, he just died! That completes the last threesome. Isn't it great?
ME: Giddy, you have a knack for making a positive out of tragedy. Don't leave home without it.

You Don't Know Dick...and Dee Dee?

My sister and I are members of a google group that is theoretically about politics. The topics occasionally stray from Bush bashing and Barack beatification as when one of the members posted a "Dead or Alive quiz:

Donovan
Lulu
Lyndsey Buckingham
Marianne Faithful
Tom Jones
Dick and Dee Dee (either one)
Everly Brothers
Sam and Dave (either one)
Connie Francis
Martha Reeves (Martha and the Vandellas)

I was not surprised that a younger member of the group did not know who all these pop singers were. I was shocked, SHOCKED, to learn that my sister did not remember Sam and Dave or Dick and Dee Dee.

My sister is older than I am and got into pop music earlier. She introduced me to the classics of the early sixties:
-The folk singers with deed, socially important lyrics such as "Walk right in, sit right down, Daddy let your mind roll on."
-The teen idols such as Bobby Rydell and Fabian, manufactured pop singers whose only real talent was making teenage girls squeal - the David Archuletas of their time.
-Dick and Dee Dee who were, like Paul and Paula, presented as a couple for reasons I don't really understand. Were they romantically involved? Dick 'n' Dee Dee? The answer is no.

How bad were Dick and Dee Dee? I tried to google them for more information but every web site on the results page warned: "this site may harm your computer." Don't even think about listening to any of their songs.

Yes, this is why Don McLean calls the death of Buddy Holly "The Day the Music Died". Pre-Beatles, all we had was Elvis and these doofuses (doofi?). And their songs are still stuck in my head, so I wonder how Susan could forget them.


Of course one among them was not just a marketer's fan-mag product: The Great Shelly Fabares ("fab" is part of her name), a truly beautiful artist who I am sure returned my love and desire, but sadly could not marry a 6-year-old. I wish I could link to a video of her singing "Johnny Angel" (which she dedicated to me) but it has been removed from the internet due to her sorrow over losing me to Karen. Still she and I will never forget each other.

Happy New Year, Everybody

No, I'm not getting the jump on anything; 2008 is over. Just as I wrote about last year, the lists of what happened in 2008 are already coming out (MSNBC has the dead celebrity lineup on their front page today - last year it didn't come out until after Christmas). Just like everything else in this economy, 2008 has been marked down from 365 days to 350. Hey, the sooner we get past 2008, the sooner George W leaves and Barack takes over, so let's move it.
Seeing as I'm done for 2008, let's just go into reruns; here's another entry I wrote at the end of last year.
Oh, and what was the best thing about 2008 in your opinion?

Free Falling

Way back at the beginning of the Presidential campaign (God, we were so innocent then)Hillary Clinton's biggest problem was what theme song to use. For a time, she was using Tom Petty's "American Girl", because people often don't really listen to lyrics. "American Girl" contains the wonderfully prophetic lyric, "God, it's so painful, Something that’s so close, And still so far out of reach.” At the time, Hillary's nomination was consideered inevitable. Now you can find myriad stories on "What went wrong?"
Was it this or this or this or this or this? People look at Obama without a flag lapel pin and decide that he is unpatriotic. Do people look at the fit of Hillary's pantsuits and decide that she must be smuggling illegal aliens strapped to her thighs (a practice which may or may not be un-American but is a crime of fashion, which is what women in public life are judged on)?
None of these is the reason she lost. She lost because she was considered inevitable. As soon as people got that message, Hillary Clinton became Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense". Some kid should have told her, "My secret is I see dead candidates." Barack Obama was the underdog. Americans love an underdog, right? Not exactly. The reason we root for the underdog is that we love to see the mighty fall. "The Tortoise and the Hare" is not a popular fable because tortoises are cute and cuddly (they are not); it is popular because we want to see the smug, self-assured hare take a fall. America loved Britney Spears until she became too successful, then we ate up the scandal rags who dragged her down. When Hillary became recognized as inevitable, she might as well have gotten drunk and driven around with Chelsea on her lap (a fantasy I've had ever since Chelsey matured).
Many years ago the Dallas Cowboys were dubbed "America's Team" and that's when America began to hate them. But the biggest sports evil is the New York Yankees, the "Damn Yankees" (they are so hated there is a play about the dream of their defeat.) The Yankees are hated because for so many years they have been the best team, the team to beat. We''ll root for any underdog to beat them. When Hillary Clinton began her long campaign for the Presidency, she moved to New York, became a Senator and adopted the Yankees are her favorite team. How could she miss the implications? Did it never occur to her to pick the Mets? And what state does Senator Obama represent? Illinois, home of the Cubs. Who wouldn't root for the Cubs to whip the Yankees? (Side note: the "inevitable" Republican nominee at the beginning was Rudy Giuliani, who is from what state?)
Toward the end, Hillary got it. Senator Obama became inevitable in some people's eyes. Hillary started comparing herself to Rocky going up against Apollo Creed. She switched Tom Petty songs and chose "Won't Back Down". It started to work, but it was too late. For a while she seemed to be "Runnin' Down a Dream", but she was actually just "Free Fallin'"

Underdog = grounded

Thanks to all who clicked over to Humor Blogs. This blog is moving up the favorites list. Click over there often to push it up to the top 30. I'm the underdog here!

Don't Bother Me

UPDATE: related song link
On MSNBC’s home page, there is a link to s story titled, “Oprah’s most annoying friends.” (I read only the headline, not the story, so no hyperlink here). Clearly Oprah has so many annoying friends that we cannot list them all, we can fit in only the 5-star irritants in her circle of pals. There is undoubtedly an institute somewhere compiling a book about Oprah’s aggravating hangers-on (like the American Film Institute compiles the “100 top movies of all time”) based on rating by experts on celebrity annoyance. For entertainment news to drag out Oprah as a featured topic, there must be a shortage of young starlets vomiting while getting into a limo or flashing their hootchies while getting out. Oprah is old news. In fact, the negative aspect of this article indicates an Oprah backlash (which has probably been going on for sometime but has escaped my notice). Of course, one can’t attack Oprah directly and just say she is annoying. One implies it by linking her to annoying people. It is the same as the way one indirectly labels Barack Obama as an angry, scary, black person by pointing out his ties to the reverend Wright, the way one labels Hillary Clinton as a sleazy womanizer by pointing out her association with Bill Clinton or one can identify John McCain as a deceased white dude by his association with Ronald Reagan.

Who Said

UPDATE: MSNBC has fixed the error I refer to in this entry) "It didn’t take long for Miley Cyrus fans (and their parents) to become outraged." I don't blame them; it is was shocking. (The article did say) "according to a magazine source, 'Cyrus felt that she was in imminently good hands.'" It is terrible when people are irresponsible and let you down. I can't believe that everyone involved just let this happen. They saw the phrase "Cyrus felt that she was in imminently good hands." and just let it slide. She felt she was in hands that were in immediate danger of being good? (as opposed to being in eminently good hands). (This entire post is was in imminent danger of someone editing the online story before you link(ed) to it, making a moo point of my comments.)
I don't know if the (imminent/eminent) error was made by the quoted Vanity Fair source or by the Scoop reporter who wrote down what she thought she heard. It doesn't matter; Miley Cyrus has been irreperably damaged.
And we can't blame Miley for her part in this. Sure, she did say “I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.” when she clearly should have said "whom I care so deeply about." It's not Miley's fault; she is caught up in a world where grammar doesn't matter and language abuse is commonplace. And, of course, she's not to blame for failing to realize she was posing for sexy pictures. These days nothing is real until it appears in video or until it shows up in pictures in Vanity Fair or on myspacefacebookpage.

Born in Arizona, Moved to Babylonia

In 1963, when I was 8, we moved to Inglewood, where I attended nearby Highland Elementary School. I remember my first day of 4th grade; I met a guy who became one of my best friends for over a decade, though I haven't been in touch with him for the past 30 some years. The first thing I remember about him is playing "robots" during recess. Everything we knew about robots came from "Robby the Robot". My friend lived in a small bungalow on Venice Way, directly across the street from Highland school, so it was easy to hang out with him in the afternoons. We both got paper routes and would sit on his front porch folding papers and waiting for the Helms Bakery truck so we could get doughnuts, cream puffs and miniature pies for nourishment.
My friend's family and my family both moved away from that neighborhood a few years later. Then some other stuff happened and then, a few days a go, I received a copy of "Born Standing Up", by Steve Martin as a gift. Steve Martin was never as much an influence on my comedy as, say, Bill Cosby, but I really liked him when he first started and I saw him on the Steve Allen show. His "let's get small", balloon animals, and nose-on-the-microphone parody's of stand-up were so innovative at the time, I've never forgotten them. On page 16 of his book, Steve Martin is writing about his childhood: "A few months later, we moved from Hollywood to Inglewood, California, and lived in a small bungalow on Venice Way, directly across from Highland Elementary School." So if you've been paying attention, you now know that Steve Martin was my best friend in elementary school.
No, actually, Steve Martin is about ten years older than I am and his family lived there only a couple years, before I was born, then moved to the Oak Street School area. But maybe, just maybe, my friend's family moved into that house directly across from Highland School right after Steve Martin's moved out. And then, I spent time in that house. Is that an amazing brush with fame or what?