John and Les and Eunice

I called the E! Entertainment celebrity death desk today and talked to my friend, Giddy Golightly.

ME: You busy today?

GIDDY: No, just the usual. You know, waiting for people to die. They have to go in a packet of three or I have no "Celebrity Death Roundup" show.

ME: Well, we've had three in August already.

GIDDY: Wait. What? Who?

ME: Well, John Hughes.

GIDDY: Oh my god. I know. (SNIFF) Oh my god, I learned about real life from his movies. "Sixteen Candles", "The Breakfast Club", "Pretty in Pink" - I learned how to be a teenager from those movies. Oh my god. I can't believe he's gone.

ME: Well, maybe it was time.

GIDDY: I know. Right. Wait. What?

ME: Well, he died before he could make "Beethoven's 6th" or "Home Alone 5". I think he peaked in the early nineties. I'm just saying.

GIDDY: Sacrilege. Who else died?

ME: Les Paul died today.

GIDDY: Les Paul Who?

ME: Just Les Paul. He created a classic electric guitar and invented a lot of recording techniques. He's very well known in the music biz. Plus he had a recording career way back, solo and with his wife.

GIDDY: If you say so. Who is the third?

ME: Eunice Kennedy Shriver. She created the Special Olympics and built it into a worldwide organization.

GIDDY: Oh, of course. She was the best Kennedy, wasn't she?

ME: The very best.

GIDDY: But, oh my god. These are three totally different people. Films, music, sports. There's no connection.

ME: They all created very special things. All of them meant something to your generation and others: rock and rollers, teenagers who just wanted to fit in and feel special and special people who just wanted to fit in. You can build your show around that.

GIDDY: It'll be a nice tribute to all three.

That's The Way It Is, Or the Way It Was. I Get Them Confused.

I got an urgent breakfast invitation from my friend and E! News celebrity death correspondent, Giddy Golightly. We met at the Mom's Country Cholesterol and Vegan Homestyle Diner which caters to the health conscious hipster and the walking cardiac case. As I dug into my biscuits and sausage gravy, Holly sipped on an organic pomegranate smoothie and laid out her problem.

GIDDY: How can you eat that stuff? Okay, so Walter Cronkite died and I have to cover it. What's my hook? I mean, if a music superstar or actor dies, they mostly do it young and tragically while they are still relevant. Cronkite is that old news guy, right? Or was that Captain Kangaroo? I get them confused.

ME: Cronkite was a the news guy who comforted our parents when JFK died. Kangaroo was the kid's show host who comforted the children when Bunny Rabbit stole the carrots. Captain Kangaroo was the father of Mr. Conductor from the Thomas the Tank Engine show.

GIDDY: Oooooohhhh. Okay. That helps. Wait. No it doesn't. I'm covering Cronkite. Whose father was he?

ME: Cronkite was everyone's favorite Uncle Walter. But aren't you also covering the death of Gordon Waller? He died yesterday too.

GIDDY: BLANK STARE

ME: Of Peter and Gordon. Now, you might confuse them with Chad and Jeremy.

GIDDY: I know. Right? Wait. What?

ME: Peter and Gordon, Chad and Jeremy. They were part of the "British Invasion."

GIDDY: Oh my god. you give me JFK's death and now the Revolutionary War? These are things from history class for my audience. (SHE GRABBED A FORK FULL OF MY SAUSAGE GRAVY)

ME: No, the British invasion was the Beatles, the Stones, the Dave Clark Five and all those groups. Peter and Gordon had a leg up because Peter Asher's sister was Jane Asher - Paul McCartney's girlfriend. But Chad and Jeremy played "The Redcoats" on the Dick Van Dyke show.

GIDDY (TAKING A BITE OF MY HASH BROWNS): Like I said, Revolutionary War. I'm not stupid.

ME: No. So, anyway, there's your connection. Cronkite is famous for his JFK and space program coverage in the 60s and Peter and Gordon were stars in the 60s.

GIDDY: So who's the third one? I explained to you how they die in threes, right?

ME: Well, Robert McNamara died a couple weeks ago. He was the architect of the Viet Nam war in the 60s. Don't confuse him with the band leader.

GIDDY: BLANK STARE

ME: Nevermind. But there's also Dallas McKennon, who died a few days ago. He was the voice of Gumby, Buzz Buzzard and Archie Andrews in cartoons.

GIDDY (FRUSTRATED): I asked for your help and you just try and confuse me. Eddie Murphy was Gumby. I wish he'd died. People at least know who Eddie Murphy is.

ME: (INCREDULOUS STARE) Um, they made a cartoon out of Eddie's Gumby character and Dallas McKennon did the voice. And "Dallas" goes with JFK's assassination covered by Cronkite. So now you have 4 connections instead of three.

GIDDY: I'm going with Gumby. No one cares about McNamara and the Viet Nam War, right? I wonder if SNL will have Eddie Murphy on to do a tribute to Gumby? Are you going to eat all your bacon?

Easy As A B C, 1 2 3

UPDATED - see below

I dropped by the offices of the E! Entertainment universe today to see my editor friend, Giddy Golightly. I saw her in brief flashes as she zipped by, bouncing off the walls, running from desk to desk working on stories, videos and TV shows.

GIDDY: Oh. My. God. JohnnyB, this has been the most amazing week ever. Right? Do you know how many people have died?

ME: Quite a number. I just heard about a plane crash that …

She paused just long enough to give me a good look at a seriously sarcastic eye roll and cut me off mid-sentence.

GIDDY: Not people people, staaarrr people. Do you know how many stars have died?

ME: No, I’ve lost count.

GIDDY: A gazillion. (SIGH) And more every day. We can’t even keep up with the tributes and specials and interviews and updates on where to drop flowers and stuffed animals and news on how distant acquaintances are handling the grief and …

ME: Pretty weird how they are all bunched together.

GIDDY: I know. Right? I mean, we had plenty of time to cover David Carradine. Then we started in on Ed McMahon and he got pushed aside by Farrah – well, that’s no biggie; I mean let PBS or the History Channel cover the Ed, they’re his peeps. And then Michael Jackson and Billy Mays.

ME: I haven’t heard much talk about Gale Storm.

GIDDY: Oh my god, Gale Storm died? Who’s he? And what kind of name is that?

ME: It was HER stage name. Her real name was Tempest Typhoon. Here’s a photo of her. And now Fred Travalena died. Here’s a news story and a bio on him.

Giddy suddenly stopped her frantic racing around, gaped at me and sat down hard.

ME: It’s okay, Fred was getting old.

GIDDY: I don't care about Fred Tampolino or whoever. No, it’s just … the whole system is messed up,

ME: What system?

GIDDY: (ANOTHER EYE ROLL) The star death system. They are supposed to go in threes.
I mean, normally you just put names in a line and circle three at a time and those go together ..

ME: Like the way the ancient people picked a random clump of stars and just drew a picture around it and said, “look, a bear”, or “an archer” or whatever.

GIDDY: I know. Right? Wait, what? Don’t confuse me. The trouble is, we have 7 deaths.

ME: Eight - David Carradine. Ed McMahon, Sky Saxon (founder of the Seeds rock group), Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Gale Storm, Billy Mays, Fred Travalena.

GIDDY: How are we going to do our “Death Comes In Threes” feature? Golly, I can put Fawcett and Jackson your Seed man together. They all died the same day. Then …

ME: No Fawcett goes with Storm and Travalena. (GIDDY MADE A FACE). See Gale Storm and Farrah Fawcett were both pin-up girls. And Travalena once performed in a sitcom with Farrah. Now Saxon and Jackson obviously go together and, considering the way he died, you can link Michael with David Carradine. You know, "Jacks-on" and "jacks o…

GIDDY: But that leaves Mays and McMahon as a pair.

ME: Well, McMahon started out as a pitchman and Mays was a pitchman. All you need is to wait for another TV pitchman or announcer to die – or maybe a baseball pitcher. Celebrities are dropping like flies. You won’t have to wait long.

GIDDY: Ha. Ha. Coming up with another dead person is hard! You think it’s all just an easy joke.

ME: Oh no, you’ve got it backwards. Dying is easy, comedy is hard.

UPDATE 7/1/09
I just got a phone call
GIDDY: Guess what? You were right!
ME: Of course. About what?
GIDDY: Karl Malden pitched American Express!
ME: Classic commercials.
GIDDY: I know. Right? So, he just died! That completes the last threesome. Isn't it great?
ME: Giddy, you have a knack for making a positive out of tragedy. Don't leave home without it.