ACT I
Scene 1
Max Bialystock's apartment: Leo Bloom enters
BIALYSTOCK
Ah, Bloom, I'm glad you could come.
BLOOM
Hello, Max. It's nice to see you, but your message made me upset. You have a project? We can't work on a project together. As a condition of our parole ...
BIALYSTOCK
(Pats Bloom reassuringly)
Don't get hysterical, Leo, please. We aren't doing a play. It's a sort of political gig.
(Bialystock sits on a sofa. Bloom paces the room, clutching at a piece of blue blanket he has taken from his pocket.)
BLOOM
Political? When did you get involved in politics?
BIALYSTOCK
When I hooked back up with some of the women who invested in my plays. They are members of Focus On The Family and they are willing to keep 'patronizing' me if I keep quiet about our relationship.
(He rises and, standing behind Bloom, holds his shoulders to stop the pacing. He speaks softly in Bloom's ear.)
There are also some men in the group who would like to 'patronize' you.
BLOOM
Max! They are an anti-gay group. They are very clear about their opposition to my people.
BIALYSTOCK
Of course! The ones who protest loudest are the ones who have been taught to hate themselves for something they were just born with.
(Bialystock leads Bloom to the sofa. They sit)
Here's their problem. Focus on the Family kids are being punished for bullying homosexuals. The parents want to protest that punishment without making it seem like they support the kids' beating up gays.
BLOOM
Support it?! They encourage it!
BIALYSTOCK
(soothing Bloom)
I know, I know; but they can't be so openly hateful. So we have to come up with a public message they can put out to make it look like a positive thing.
BLOOM
Max, you know I can use the money; but I'm just an accountant. I don't know how to manipulate ... Wait a minute - I have used some twisted logic with the IRS before.
BIALYSTOCK
Good, you're in. Look, you know I don't like hard work. I've got a scheme.
(Bialystock grabs a stack of papers from the coffee table)
I've collected a series of absurd arguments the conservatives have used before. We just scan these and steal the best parts.
BLOOM
(picks up the papers and reads through them)
Here's one where Bill O'Reilly tried to stop people from saying "Happy Holidays". He called it a "War on Christmas". That's ...
BIALYSTOCK
(Takes some of the papers)
Absurd. Here's one. Conservatives start a campaign to "take back America". It's not clear from whom.
BLOOM
These people are crazy. Sarah Palin joins Fox News but continues to rail against the media as if she is not part of it now. When a judge calls California Prop 8, creating a state consitutional amendment against gay marriage, unconstitutional, Palin denounces the decision. She says the Founding Fathers never intended activist judges to overturn the will of the voters. Does she understand that the judiciary was set up by the Founding Fathers as part of the Constitutional checks and balances?
BIALYSTOCK
Here is a related one. Opponents of gay marriage say employers should be against it because they would have to pay health insurance premiums for the spouses.
BLOOM
Ha! by that logic, employers should oppose heterosexual marriage also.
BIALYSTOCK
Please. The word "logic' should not be allowed within a hundred miles of this garbage. Here's a recent one. Glenn Beck says conservative white people have to "take back" the fight for civil rights. I assume he means they want to take back the civil rights laws and return to the days when minorities and gays knew their place: hanging from a tree.
BLOOM
(excited)
I think I've got it! Focus on the Family needs to make themselves the victims, like in O'Reilly's war on Christmas scenario. Then they use code words like Palin's "activist" label that raises fear in the ignorant. Finally they spin the whole thing positive by "taking back" the fight against bullies, i.e. taking away protection of gays and lesbians.
BIALYSTOCK
Yes! Perfect! We say something like: "School officials allow these outside groups to introduce policies, curriculum and library books under the guise of diversity, safety or bullying-prevention initiatives. We feel more and more that activists are being deceptive in using anti-bullying rhetoric to introduce their viewpoints, while the viewpoint of Christian students and parents are increasingly belittled. This issue is being hijacked by activists. They shouldn't be politicizing or sexualizing the issue of bully prevention. We have to confront the gay agenda, which includes homosexual-themed curricula, books with sexually graphic content and anti-religion stereotypes, assemblies and celebrations. There have been several incidents in which religious freedom has lost out to the right of gay activists to promote their views."
BLOOM
That is too obvious. No one will think a group could seriously make that argument. "Guise of diversity"? Accusing "activists" of "being deceptive in using anti-bullying rhetoric" when Focus on the Family is a bunch of activists promoting anti-anti-gay-rights activity.
BIALYSTOCK
You can't underestimate the ignorance of the public. "Springtime for Hitler" should have taught you that. The Focus people will love it. Intelligent people will see through it and mock them, allowing them to feel even more victimized and attack the educated people for creating a War on Stupidity.
