Saturday, February 28, 2009

Please Do Keep Me Synonymous

The Cincinnati Bengals have become synonymous with losing. Gary Burbank for years took calls from the Synonymous Bengal ("I happen to be one of the Cincinnati Bengals who most assuredly do want to remain synonymous so's not to besmirch my reparation, you understand") who epidermisized the haplessness of the team.

In 2002, second-year receiver, young TJ Houshmandzadeh was used as a kick returner and he often returned the ball ... to the kicking team via a fumble. TJ was not the team's biggest problem, but when I wrote this song, which Synonymous sang, about that awful year, TJ became the tag line.

TJ was so embarrassed by this satiric thrashing that he vowed to become the most reliable receiver on the team and one of the top pass catchers in the league. He achieved that goal and became my favorite player.

I am posting this now because TJ will soon leave the Bengals and get big bucks from some real team out there somewhere. He tells me his only regret is that he will not have me around to motivate and inspire him with my humiliating mocking of his weaknesses and mistakes. I am using my #84 jersey to wipe away my tears. I am also waiting for him to send me some of the money he gets because I made him what he is today.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Our Top Story Tonight on Food Network News

70-year-old Elyria woman fights off 4 robbers with Emeril Lagasse pan: Bam!

I didn't know that newspapers were doing product placement drop-ins to raise money, but I hope it helps keep them in business.
Notice that they also specified the intruder's adult beverage of choice ("The robber's friend threw a bottle of Jack Daniels at the woman")

The story goes on to say that one man tried to grab the woman's Coach purse when she struck him on the head. The men then fled, but their Nike running shoes did not carry them far. The police nabbed them and took them to jail in Ford sedans. (I will accept any and all advertising fees from the indicated companies for those product mentions).

One thing the story didn't say was "Grandmother fights off 4 robbers with Emeril Lagasse pan." They state that she has 5 sons; perhaps they are all childless.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Schmoozing on Punimbook

Oy, we are killing Facebook.

Our Temple, like many congregations of all religions in the country, is finding it hard to attract new young members. 40% of our members are over 75 years old. We have to have one full time funeral rabbi to keep up with the work load.

Young people are more attracted to places like the mega-churches that have sanctuaries to hold thousands, and where there is a snack bar, a coffee house and a shopping mall attached. These places are like casinos, except that you go in to double down on your soul and maybe catch a show where a magician makes your sins disappear and levitates the dead.

So anyway, to appeal you a youthful crowd our Temple planners have some very good plans to provide social events and community action. In addition, we now have a Facebook group for Temple members, and the older ones are embracing it, looking forward to friending the younger members.

If Facebook is not already passe, it's dead now. Young Jews in Cincinnati are saying things like, "Listen, Sarah, I'm not using Facebook anymore. Every time I am online, my mother writes on my wall, 'Rachel, sweetie, what did you eat today? I see your pictures; like a stick you look.' And my grandma is on there now asking, 'Rachel, I see your relationship status is still 'single.' What's up with that?' So follow me on twitter - or maybe I'll just use the phone from now on."

I joined the Temple Facebook group and I now have lots of friends whose important events I can follow: "Sylvia is going to the doctor. Doctor Glickstein. Such a nice boy. My son should be so smart." "Rose is wondering what Carol did to her hair. It's orange and like hay, it's so stiff. Don't tell her I said anything." "Morty is hoping to have a good bowel movement today."

John is hoping that Facebook or not, we get some new members - and at a faster rate than we're losing the old ones.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

"Pass-grabbers may not be gone"

That was the title of this article in the Cincinnati Enquirer about Bengal wide receivers Chad Ocho Cinco and TJ Houshmandzadeh.

The sub-headline, referring to the Bengals' head coach, states:
"Lewis hopeful Houshmandzadeh, Ocho Cinco will remain Bengals"
That was edited down from the original which read:
"Lewis hopeful Houshmandzadeh, Ocho Cinco will remain Bengals - wishes he had any say in the matter"
Those of you from Cincinnati - long-suffering fans of the team run by Mikey-Boy Brown - know what I mean.

The rest of you, who thought I was going to make some comment about "ass-grabbers", will have to create your own jokes in the comments.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing airplane glue

Ladies and gentlemen, we have experienced a bit of a problem, which has caused our rapid descent from 13,000 feet to 7,500 feet. We haven’t flown at this low an altitude since Lindbergh was alive, so we hope you appreciate the historic nature of this calami - - er, plane flight.

We assure you that the flight crew is debating possible options for a workable solution to our distress and we may go lower before we regain our normal cruising speed. The pilots have positioned us over the Grand Canyon to provide the illusion of greater altitude and, in the event of a final free fall to oblivion, more time in which to proclaim, “We’re okay so far!”

Currently the Captain is arguing that we should try “jiggling the flappy things, to see if that reverses the nosedive or whatnot.” The copilot says “that’s ridiculous, we need to dump all the fuel to lighten up this puppy and make it go higher.”

While they work out the technical issues, the flight attendants will be passing down the aisles with beverages and tainted peanuts.

If you look out the window you may notice some of the first class passengers bailing out of the plane with free parachutes provided by the airline. The airline feels that it is the higher fares paid by these passengers that put this plane aloft in the first place. So, even though it was these same passengers lobbying the pilot to perform risky flying stunts that caused our current trouble, the airline does not want to lose their business.

The remaining first class passengers will be bailed out as soon as we convince them that, no, they do not deserve free drinks anymore, because they have been naughty.

Some of you in coach will soon be unceremoniously “bailed out” without parachutes, but that’s life.

You will notice that the pilot has turned on the "fasten seat belts" sign because that will give you all something to work on, occupy your minds and provide a temporary mood stimulus.

In the event of a crash, free soup will descend from overhead. You will be instructed to bend over, put your head between your legs and kiss your assets goodbye.

Now enjoy our in-flight movie, “The Grapes of Wrath.”

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I Have Seen the Light

To stop forgetful people in our offices from wasting energy, we have installed sensors to control the lights in the restrooms in our building. When you enter the room, the lights go on and they automatically shut off after 20 minutes. Few people were failing to turn on the lights going in; the forgetting to turn off the lights, though, was wasting money.

Some people are concerned that the lights will go off while they are still completing their task. If the task is taking you more than 20 minutes, you have a real problem and probably should have stayed home today. And, if the lights do go out and you can’t function because you don’t know where the important parts are in the dark, you have another problem and maybe we shouldn’t have hired someone at your basic skill level.

I think the automatic shutoff feature is great for when you go in to take a shnap in the stall. You’ve finished the sh-- portion of the event but the light is hindering the nap portion. In a mere 20 minutes, viola, you have a dark stall in which to snooze. What? You don’t believe it’s appropriate to shnap at work? It is called a restroom, isn’t it?

Lately there have been occasions where I go in the restroom and the light does not come on - the sensor does not sense me. I’m not sure why but I think it means that I am intermittently invisible. If I could harness that power, I might achieve the dream I had in junior high. The drawback is that I no longer want to sneak into the junior high school girls’ shower room under the cloak of invisibility or not. That would be sick and disgusting.

I could sneak into the women’s shower at a grown up gym. But then I would have to go to the gym. I think I’d rather take a shnap and just dream about it

Saturday, February 14, 2009

What Type of Stereo Would You Like?

This Baby Blues joke depended on knowing that Wanda wanted to get out of the house because she's a mom, defined by being in the house all day, chained to the stove or where ever it is the Dad wants her to be. To get the joke, each of the others have to label themselves so you will understand the stereotype. Hammie is a "kid", so he likes toys, but Zoe is a "girl"; girls like specific, gender appropriate toys.

If we're going with generalizations, let's at least be honest.
Darryl: I liked the young mothers, particularly those whose breasts were swollen with milk.
Wanda: I appreciated you letting me out of the house other than to schlep the kids to school or soccer or a birthday party. I am so grateful to you that I didn't mind lugging the baby and the diaper bag and watching out for our kids because you were too busy staring at the young mothers, particularly those whose breasts were swollen with milk. You are dead meat when we get home.

For better or Worse is now in reruns, and recently looked back on those days of misguided women's liberationists:

That's it, John, let her know her proper place so that a generation later, Darryl can feel free to keep Wanda housebound and spend his time staring at the young mothers, particularly those whose breasts were swollen with milk.

Friday, February 13, 2009

He Only Considered the Job as a Favre to Barack

Judd Gregg withdrew his name from consideration as Secretary of Commerce. Reportedly he will not seek another term as Senator from New Hampshire.

ESPN is reporting rumors that the New York Jets are close to signing Gregg. He is expected to play one season at quarterback and then retire again.

Regarding turning down President Obama, Gregg said, "For me, I just realized as these issues started to come at us, and they started to crystallize, that it wasn't a good fit and I wouldn't be comfortable doing this," Gregg said.Barack: Judd, I know people will condemn us - we are bi-partisan - but we can't let what others think stop us.
Judd: Barack, I'm just not comfortable doing this. It's not you, it's me.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Seeds and Stems Of Public Support

Marijuana Lobby Rips Kellogg for Dropping Phelps
Rob Campia, "the leader of one of the biggest legalize-pot organizations, the Marijuana Policy Project, called Kellogg's action "hypocritical and disgusting," and said he'd never seen his membership so angry, with more than 2,300 of them signing an online petition.
"To drop him for choosing to relax with a substance that's safer than beer is an outrage, and it sends a dangerous message to young people."
"Kellogg's had no problem signing up Phelps when he had a conviction for drunk driving, an illegal act that could actually have killed someone,"

Phelps responded to this show of support by saying,
"Dude! Seriously? Stop helping me."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Eight is Too Much

"Octuplet's mom on food stamps"
Did you spot the grammatical error? Did you guess that it is a misplaced apostrophe - she is all the octuplets' mom, not just one octuplet's mom? (they will probably correct this by the time you read it and you'll say, "WTF is he talking about?")

No, the grammatical error is that this woman is having more babies when she's already receiving food stamps. Oh I know we can't stop her - she has "reproductive rights". Yeah, like CEO's receiving bailout money and paying themselves bonuses.have Lexus and private jet ownership rights.

"In Nadya's view, the money that she gets from the food stamp program ... and the resources disabilities payments she gets for her three children are not welfare," he said. "They are part of programs designed to help people with need, and she does not see that as welfare."
Who said that? Her PUBLICIST!

During the interview with Curry, Suleman said, "I'm not receiving help from the government. I'm not trying to expect anything from anybody. [I] just wanted to do it on my own. "
What does "doing it on her own mean? "Any resources that someone would really, really want to help us, I will accept, I would embrace."
"Money? Money is necessary to raise children. But it's — it's paper. It is paper. To me, it is superfluous in contrast to the importance of my kids." BECAUSE IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S MONEY!

"NBC chief medical editor Dr. Nancy Snyderman has estimated the cost of delivering the infants and caring for them until they are healthy enough to leave the hospital at $1.5 million to $3 million." Who the hell is paying for that? We are, with higher insurance premiums and taxes. I hope her publicist gets her lots of gigs so we can all enjoy our children.

On a serious note, I think this woman is ill and needs mental health care. That's what we should be paying for. Our faceless food stamp and SSI program is enabling her behavior rather than helping her with her real problem. And the doctor should be taken out and shot. He helped her do this when he should have seen her real problem. He displayed a complete lack of ethics, compassion (for all the children) and medical responsibility. "First, do no harm." He has done plenty. And I'm sure he cared about the money.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Genius at Your Fingertips

If you watched the Grammy awards, you had to be thinking, "If Stevie Wonder could see them, he would totally tell those little brats to get the hell out of his face." Who decided that the Jonas Brothers deserved to share a stage with a performer like Stevie Wonder? When you hear them side-by-side with Stevie. it is clear that only one of those Jonas boys can sing and none can approach the talent of Mr. Wonder. Their shouts of "Come on, Stevie" seemed disrespectful in my mind. Stevie Wonder is so much bigger than the Jonas Brothers - I mean, seriously, he's now bigger than all three of them put together, but that's irrelevant.

Here is a real young phenom:

And if you would like to see him perform it click here.

The strangest thing at the Grammys was seeing Cold Play win best song for a tune they ripped off from Joe Satriani. There were videos on line that compared the two songs and the similarity was impossible to miss. Not coincidentally, those videos were taken down for copyright issues. What genius at the Grammys decided they deserved an award for that?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

You Gotta Have Friends

My wife was out of town last weekend. Our daughter called from college and said she was coming home to visit me . She told her mother, "When Dad's away, you have friends to hang out with. Dad would just be home all alone."

That's right, I have no friends and my daughter pities me. Well, I have a few friends, but mainly just because my wife knows them and makes them talk to me. Seriously, I'm just not good at keeping in touch. If we don't get together often, it's not them, it's me.

My sister had a favorite poem as a kid
"There was an old woman, lived under a hill
and if she's not gone, she lives there still"
My friends are where they were last time I saw them and still look the same, right? Yeah, I know, I need to get out more.

I admit it, I suck at real life social networks. So, how can I hope to succeed in a virtual social network? I have Facebook friends, but I rarely show my face. I'm also a virtual member of and I feel that I have let them down.

Humorbloggers is full of truly funny bloggers who enjoy and support each other's work. The site has forums where members share very helpful information about Stumble and other blogger tools and there are chat rooms where they all hang out. I think. I have never been in the chat room. I don't chat, just like I don't im or tweet or text. If I'm not rising higher in the Humorbloggers rankings, it's not them, it's me. (Though, really, should friends be ranking each other?)

You can go over there and check some of them out - I assume they are still there where I saw them last. You can also give me a nice review and some stars. If you do, I'll be your best friend.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Undeath and Taxes

The news was on last night but I confess I wasn't paying full attention. What I remember is that Tom Daschle and Nancy Killefer withdrew their names from consideration for the jobs for which Obama nominated them. The reason is that they were responsible for fraudulent attacks by zombies and raptors.

Obama, for some reason, took responsibility for potentially sending the wrong message on the signs. "I think I screwed up, and I take responsibility for it and we're going to make sure we fix it so it doesn't happen again." So the road signs are okay now, I think.

I kind of dozed off and when I woke up, they were showing this news clip: one of Obama's nominees being questioned about his taxes, when suddenly Secretary of State Clinton shows up to discuss Obama's desire to promote diplomacy over war.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Litterally Evil

I had an idea to create a cat litter called Sani-Cat. Once it was on the market I would start a rumor that the company was run by devil worshipers. The proof? "Sani-Cat" is an anagram for "Satanic".

It might seem counter=productive to spread such a rumor about my company, but "there is no bad publicity". Besides, who owns cats? Crazy ladies and witches. Okay, there are a few other people, but crazies and witches, friends of Satan, give you 80% of the market (look it up).

So, imagine my chagrin at finding that Sani-Cat is already out there. But I've never heard of it before, have you? I'm thinking of calling them and selling them a great marketing idea.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Ground Hog Day

Ground hogs, made into hot dogs or pizza topping or a bacon explosion, become leftovers on the day after the Super Bowl. If you open the refrigerator and see the shadow cast by the leftovers blocking the refrigerator light, you will have six more weeks of salsa and chips.

The significance to the shadow on ground hog day is that, according to the Greeks, the shadow represents the sins of the soul and those are washed away by sleep, which is induced by continuous overindulgence in the beer and food prepared for the Superbowl. You may be doomed to wear your sins like a spare tire wrapped around your waist as a sign to all of the sin of gluttony. Or maybe that's just me.

I believe the Monday after the Super Bowl should be a leftover exchange day. Everyone should bring their leftovers to work and trade so at least you get some variety in your six weeks of follow up gorging.

For more about ground hog day, see Humorbloggers