Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Signs and Portents

A dinosaur at the new Kings Island exhibit "Dinosaurs Alive!" caught fire Tuesday evening.
Investigators say that there appears to be no connection with the burning of Touchdown Jesus last year, just a few miles west of the amusement park and that the two incidents are not part of the ongoing feud between creationists and evolutionists.
Suspects in the arson at the church are a Father, Son and Holy Spirit; the Father having forbidden people from creating graven images of the Lord and having boasted about raining down Hell fire and brimstone in the past. The Holy Trio were not reported being seen near the dinosaur exhibit around the time of the fire, though some charge that God is everywhere.

In related news, the Son of Beast failed to return to Kings Island on May 21st as was predicted by amusement park evangelists earlier this year. Park officials claim the date of the ride's return is unknown and likely not until at least 2012.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Cheney Undecided on Getting a Heart From the Wizard

WASHINGTON (AP) — Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he hasn't decided whether to seek a heart transplant. Asked about why he would hesitate, Cheney sang,

When a man’s an evil demon
A heart disrupts his schemin’
I’ve had none from the start
But Now I am presumin’
That I could be almost human
If I get myself a heart

When I was governmental
It would have been detrimental
To my practice of Dark Art
My soul’s been sold to Satan
And yet now I am debatin’
Should I get myself a heart?

Picture me, on the TV
On Fox and Friends news show

You and Bush were great, don't you know

We were corrupt. Oh, whoops!

Just to register emotion, decency, devotion
Might split my mind apart
If they could install a zipper
So back and forth I could just flip ‘er
I would get myself a heart