Friday, July 31, 2009

Baby, You Can Buy My Car

I've got no money and it's breaking my heart, but I've got a federal handout and that's a start.

The cash for clunkers program is far exceeding the government’s expectations. Congress has approved another $2 billion on top of the original $1 billion that was quickly used up.

Under the program, people who, for lack of money, have been holding on to old, gas-guzzling vehicles, can get up to $4,500 to purchase new fuel-efficient cars. This is modeled after programs created by no longer existing financial institutions, which gave people the illusion they could afford homes beyond their financial means.

Though this plan is government sponsored it is also remarkably similar to the recent housing market driven swap in which newly unemployed folks are able to get as much as 10 cents on the dollar for their old home and move into living spaces made entirely of recyclable materials, such as cardboard.

Some have likened this program to the bailouts received by banks and brokerages. Officials point out that it is completely different because in the CARS program the government knows exactly where the money went. “Dealers have to submit forms to get approval. We know exactly who is getting every dollar. We didn’t need to do that with the bank bailout money.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you all, why the heck not? Why don’t you know where the bank bailout money went?”

“The bank bailout was just a few hundred billion dollars that went to large, failing institutions run by responsible, competent people. These are people experienced in financial finagling with very close ties to the current and former administrations and the Treasury Secretaries – literally intimate friends of Ben Bernanke and many members of Congress over the years. The CARS money is THREE BILLION DOLLARS going to ordinary people on the street. We can’t just GIVE it to them.”

Thursday, July 30, 2009

B double-E R S U double-M I T - Beer Summit!

Today is the big beer summit at the White House. You might think that, if President Obama were going to try and resolve something over drinks, he might be sitting around with key Democratic and Republican legislators trying to get a deal done on health care.

But President O stumbled into the briar patch of a black Harvard professor being arrested by a white Boston cop and now we have to deal with the racial implications as a nation.

As the Daily Show advised: “Alcohol is not how you resolve a racial incident, it’s how you start one.” We already have disagreement on the choice of beer. “Obama is opting for a Bud Lite, while Gates is said to be partial to Red Stripe from Jamaica. Crowley's preference is for Blue Moon, a Belgian-Style beer, made by Coors.”

Ironically, George Bush was the politician that Americans purportedly would prefer to have a beer with. I would have guessed the Big O was a wine drinker, but he’s trying to shake the image of “elitist prick, turning us into Europe”, so he’s been chowing down on hamburgers with Joe Biden and now drinking Bud Lite.

Still, you know this will not start out well.
CROWLEY: All due respect, Mr. President, we have some other fine beers that would provide a little more taste. Blue Moon from Coors or even Sam Adams from my home town.

GATES: You impress me, Officer Crowley. I would have thought Bud Lite was a staple for you.

CROWLEY: What? Because I’m a cop? Wouldn’t you call that “profiling”? Huh? You wanna ask me if I’m gonna dunk a doughnut in my beer?

GATES (SMUGLY): It was merely that I thought that Bud Lite was preferred by you and your peers.

CROWLEY: “My peers”? Is that like saying “you people”? I got as much class as any Harvard professor and I know some good beers. I thought you and “your peers” would be Colt Malt Liquor men, but I can also see where you go for that reggae Red Stripe crap from Jama….

GATES (jumping up): If you say “Jamaica, mon”, I will #@$% you up!

OBAMA: Gentlemen, gentlemen! Crowley, put the handcuffs back. Don't be stupid!

ANNOUNCER: Bud Lite presents, Real Men of Genius

SINGER: Real men of geeen-ius

ANNOUNCER: Today we salute you, Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

SINGER: Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

ANNOUNCER: Thanks to you we don’t need Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton showing up, making long speeches about lingering racial hatred. We don’t have to listen to Jesse try to rhyme his way through a puffed-up, publicity-seeking, press conference.
You can throw out a few ill-advised comments at the end of a totally unrelated press conference and turn what should have been a short-lived, isolated incident into a national cause célèbre … with beer.
So here’s to you, Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer. Thanks to you, Fox News, MSNBC and CNN have filler for their 24-hour $#!% stirring festivals.

SINGER: Mr. Racial Incident Inflamer

ANNOUNCER: Bud Lite beer, Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Story Time

Humor Bloggers are doing stories today. Since, as I told you yesterday, I don't have any good camp stories (except the one about the guy who put his entire hoo-hah in a clarinet this one time at band camp) I will refer you to some old stories.

Back in 2006 I told the story of the kegerator, the story of why I read "Catcher in the Rye" and the story of how I ended up getting intimate with this girl I picked up in a bus station. Click here to read them. These are all true stories. Really. You could look it up.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sing a Wrong Song

I grew up in L.A. and never went to a summer camp. We had to make do. For crafts, our parents (or step-parents or parent's life partners) would have the immigrant gardener or maid make us some turquoise jewelry or hand-woven baskets.

In place of ghost stories, we would sit in a circle late at night and describe plastic surgery disasters. (WARNING: I didn't link to any of those pages directly because I still have nightmares about some of them).

Instead of singing around the campfire we would gather in Laurel Canyon during brush fire season and sing with Joni Mitchell and all them, while the caterer toasted chocolate truffle s’mores served on organic graham biscuits, infused with Acapulco gold.

So, since I don't really know the Music Day at summer camp drill, for my fellow humor bloggers sitting around the flickering computer screen, I offer some examples of the songs I have recently stolen from actual writers.

What would summer camp be without hot dogs?

Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs
Fat kids, sickly kids
Vegans have an answer:
Poor-ly - nourished kids
Kids with colo-rectal cancer
Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs
The dogs we warned about!

Sarah Palin is taking Summer vacation seriously - by quitting altogether:

Take this job and shove it, I don’t wanna work no more
Sarah Palin done quit and gave me the reason I was looking for
Don’t wanna just be collectin’ my pay
You’re the one I’m doin’ this for
Take this job and shove it, I don’t wanna work no more"

This summer we may be seeing a comeback from this long winter of our discontent:

What have you done my stockbroking son?
And what did you do with my retirement fund?
I sold mortgage-backed securities without regulation
I crippled the credit of large corporations
I ruined economies of world power nations
I stumbled on the slide of inflated earnings
I pumped up the bubble until it was bursting
And it’s the Dow, it’s the Dow, it’s the Dow, it’s the Dow
And it’s the Dow Jones a-gonna fall

It's about time to bunk down, so I leave you with this:

Deep down in Cincinnati where the boy has been
Since he moved to the Midwest from the L. A. scene -
What jerk would choose Ohio over Hollywood?
Just a "special" kind of dork named "JohnnyB" could
He never ever learned to really write so well
And for ripping off songs, he is going to Hell
Go! Go .... go, already!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Which Craft?

A group from Humor Bloggers is following a summer camp theme and writing about crafts today.

Crafts were never my thing but my wife, Karen, is an artist and has had businesses involving both art and craft. The craft business involved painted t-shirts for kids, several years ago. Karen would design and make one and put it on our 4-year old daughter and then take her to dance or gymnastics or music class and wait for the other mothers to ask, “Oh, that is SOOO cute, where can I get something like that.”

It was the cheapest marketing ploy ever and it led to the downfall of her t-shirt empire. The Garment Workers Union found out that we were exploiting free child labor – non-union, no less. They would show up at the dance studio, singing “Look for the union label …. “ and intimidate all the moms into backing out of the purchase. It didn’t seem to matter that we were using an American child when we could have easily outsourced and adopted a Chinese girl.

Our daughter inherited her mom's artistic bent and was also entrepreneurial. However, when it came to selling, her philosophy was, “why spend time and money making something when you can sell what’s already at hand. One day she successfully sold a bunch of rocks from the yard to the exceedingly nice man across the street.

Another day she and a friend got some chalk to draw hopscotch on the driveway but the geese from the nearby lake had other ideas; our driveway was covered in goose droppings. When I arrived home I found the feces had been neatly circled in chalk and a huge sign was drawn in chalk near the street “FRESH POOP FOR SALE”. Karen told me the girls had been out promoting their goods, shouting their sales pitch to passing cars.

I don’t have talent for arts and crafts. I try to create things from the news. Yesterday I read that“Michael Jackson's Prosthetic Nose Is Missing”, which gave me an idea.
I am contacting the Hasbro people to sell them on my idea of a MJ Potato Head Doll

Check out Humor Bloggers dot com for more craft ideas. Also you can rate, subscribe to and review my blog.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Great Escape From Nazi Reality

Last week was Nazi movie weekend at our house. Strictly by coincidence we had “The Miracle at St. Anna”, “The Reader” and “The Great Escape”.

The Reader concerns a young German boy who reads the Aeneid to an cougar-aged ex-nazi because the story makes her horny. The woman teaches the boy all about sex and how to take a bath. I just wish that I had known the Aeneid was an aphrodisiac for older women; I wouldn’t have wasted all those lunches in the high school library.

As for the Nazi theme, I don’t want to spoil it but let me just say that the woman preferred being held responsible for the Holocaust rather than expose the fact that she had missed at least one of the three r’s in school.

The Miracle at St. Anna is a 2008 film that depicts the gruesomeness of war. The movie is long because Spike Lee includes an engaging story and various sub-plots with political and social messages; he also provides contrast to the horror of war with the beauty of a nekkid woman. Italian semi-fascist, Valentina Cervi will make men forget Nazi Kate Winslet. The “Miracle” part of the movie is a bit hokey but I recommend the movie.

“The Great Escape” was on our list because I’m catching up on the classics and hadn’t seen this one in so long, I forgot what made the Escape so Great. Turns out it wasn’t. The premise is that the Nazis have built a special prison camp to house the best Allied prison camp escape artists. Some of these men have escaped from prison camps 15 to 20 times.

Wait. If a guy escaped from prison, say, 17 times and he is now in this special camp, doesn’t that mean he’s been caught 17 times? Shouldn’t staying escaped be part of the criteria for the Escape Quality Index?” I think these “special” escape artists were probably transported to this “special” camp on the “special” short bus.

Each of these men has been involved in so many escapes that they have developed “special”ties. Together they conceive and execute an elaborate tunnel project but THEY END UP 20 YARDS SHORT OF THE WOODS, coming out not far from the fence, in front of the guard. So, instead of getting the planned 250 out they get out less than half that and guess what? Right, almost all of them end up back in prison camp – or dead. But the living ones still have that same pride and pluckiness that makes them “special”.

Take out the dead guys and the movie seems almost comical, with con-artist prisoners, an oblivious commandant, and a goofy guard. Add in the depiction of civilized prison life where men garden, drink tea and go in “the cooler” for 20 days but emerge clean shaven, well-fed and still plucky and you have a movie that resembles the pilot for “Hogan’s Heroes” more than a serious war movie.

Fortunately there are movies like St. Anna’s to remind us that the war was brutal and those like The Reader to remind us that the Nazis were also.

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Hot Dogs in Hot Water Again


The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was arrested and booked on charges of violating advertising laws in Hawaii.

The story clears up a bit of a mystery for me, explaining that the Wienermobile is "a 'bus' in the shape of a hot dog on a bun". It goes on to say that the vehicle "visited Hawaii from June 28 to July 19". It is not clear how the Wienermobile got to Hawaii or if it was travelling alone or with a companion.

Police were tipped off to the heinous crime by a vigilante group who call themselves the "Outer Circle", another group hiding its real agenda with a misleading name, pretending to be all about exposing gays when they are actually attempting to beautify Hawaii by getting wieners out of the public eye. Turns out UPI may have gotten the group's name wrong A Hawaii news source refers to the group as the "Outdoor Circle", which is gay-friendlier but, still, what the heck does that mean?

Oscar Mayer might have gotten away with their advertising crime spree if they had not boasted about their activity: "Bob Loy of the Outer Circle said the company (Oscar Mayer) acknowledges the Wienermobiles promote the company's products." I think they should have claimed ignorance. "You know, officer, now that you mention it, it does look kind of like a hot dog. I have no idea how our name got on there, though."

"The activist admitted some buses and trucks in Hawaii may carry signs bigger than the Wienermobile. 'Unfortunately, those things aren't against the law, and this is,' he said." This seems like a clear case of product profiling to me.

"The Outer Circle has written Oscar Mayer asking it to voluntarily keep the bus out of Hawaii in the future." That's ridiculous. If they are driving from California to Japan, they have to go through Hawaii, right?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

As American as Lawsuits, Jersey Crooks and Cancer-Causing Processed Meat Products

A vegan advocacy group wants a New Jersey court to order Oscar Mayer, Hebrew National and other food companies to slap a warning on hot dog packages which says that eating processed meats increases the risk of cancer.

I had a number of random thoughts about this story.

Hot dogs already carry a warning label. It’s the list of nutritional information. 1 hot dog (and no one eats just one) contains 150 calories, 120 from fat and 30% of your daily saturated fats. I think your arteries will explode before any cancer cells have a chance to start on your colon.

The story refers to a “vegan advocacy group.” What do vegan advocates want? Homeless advocates would like to reduce the number of homeless people. I have to assume vegan advocates want to reduce vegancy, and therefore should be promoting meat eating.

The vegan advocates go by the name “Cancer Project”, which seems to me like they are hiding their real agenda. That’s like the national beef council going by the name … um … “Cancer Project”. What are the vegans hiding? The names Oscar Mayer and Hebrew National so high on their hit list, perhaps they have anti-Semitic leanings.

Hebrew National has long claimed that they answer to a higher authority than the US government. That authority is Conagra Foods (current owners of the Hebrew National Brand) who give orders to the government.

The lawsuit is in New Jersey. The Feds just busted a bunch of people in New Jersey, politicians and rabbis who are charged with, among other things, illegal human organ-selling. I don’t want to think there is a connection between New Jersey, rabbis selling human organs and Hebrew National hot dogs.

America has a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. We have no national health care, but we have a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. Okay, they are a food industry lobby, not a government agency. But at least they have the decency to put what they’re about in their name.

The reporter got some valuable quotes from random hot dog advocates, like this: "Vegans complaining about hot dogs is like the Amish complaining about gas prices," said Susan Thatcher of Irvine, Calif. No, Susan, Vegans complaining about the price of hot dogs would be like the Amish complaining about the price of gas. Vegans complaining about hot dogs causing cancer would be like the Amish complaining about gas emissions from cars causing cancer.. Hmmmm.

Once the warning label lawsuit is won, this will be the new ad for Armour hot dogs:

Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs
Fat kids, sickly kids
Vegans have an answer:
Poor-ly - nourished kids
Kids with colo-rectal cancer
Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs
The dogs we warned about!

By the way, here's a scene from the next Seth Rogan, Katerine Heigl romantic comedy:

"Hey, would you be interested in a nice hot kosher weiner?" "Thanks, but I have a thing for pork."

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

This Old Orbiting House

First: How today's news outlets would cover the moon landing.

Astronauts Add Porch to Space Station

NASA mock up:

In other space station news:

Toilet broken on crowded space station

Astronaut Elroy Jetson called it in ... from the porch

Things have gone downhill since the moon landing heyday.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Send In The Clowns

When I was in the second interview for the CFO job I have now, the President/CEO of this architecture firm was in the room. He was clearly bored by all the accounting talk and I thought I was doomed. Then he turned to me and asked, “What do you do for fun?” I said, “I write comedy for Gary Burbank.” My boss saw the chance to be the only architecture firm in town with a comedy-writing accountant and he grabbed it. Humor makes mind-numbing financial tedium more palatable and SOME people in our federal government need to learn that
.“The Treasury Department revealed Friday that it is scrapping plans to hire a cartoonist to lighten the mood of its employees who manage the nation's $1 trillion-plus debt…”
I was referred to this story via Dave Barry’s blog. Dave captioned it with “Instead, They’re Going to Hire a Clown”. But, really, why would they hire a clown when Joe Biden is just down the street? (I was going to say “why would they hire a clown when Tim Geitner is right upstairs” but Tim is actually more of a weaselly racketeer than a clown.)
"Our training staff felt that at a time when employees are working extra hours, it might have been helpful," said Kim Treat, a spokesman for the bureau…. The contractor would have to be able to "create cartoons on the spot" about jobs at the bureau, according to the text of the solicitation.
Imagine you are working extra hours for the 20th day in a row. The cartoonist approaches your desk and hands you his latest cartoon. “I have drawn an amusing scene to capture the futility of your efforts and mock the way in which you waste the taxpayer money in this mindless bureaucracy. Don’t get up. I can just insert it into my behind with all the others your coworkers have placed there”

What Treasury needs is a full-time regular financial type employee who can bring the funny. Dear Tim Geitner, let’s talk, I could be available for the right price. What? That racketeer remark? Just a sample of my work, Tim.

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

That's The Way It Is, Or the Way It Was. I Get Them Confused.

I got an urgent breakfast invitation from my friend and E! News celebrity death correspondent, Giddy Golightly. We met at the Mom's Country Cholesterol and Vegan Homestyle Diner which caters to the health conscious hipster and the walking cardiac case. As I dug into my biscuits and sausage gravy, Holly sipped on an organic pomegranate smoothie and laid out her problem.

GIDDY: How can you eat that stuff? Okay, so Walter Cronkite died and I have to cover it. What's my hook? I mean, if a music superstar or actor dies, they mostly do it young and tragically while they are still relevant. Cronkite is that old news guy, right? Or was that Captain Kangaroo? I get them confused.

ME: Cronkite was a the news guy who comforted our parents when JFK died. Kangaroo was the kid's show host who comforted the children when Bunny Rabbit stole the carrots. Captain Kangaroo was the father of Mr. Conductor from the Thomas the Tank Engine show.

GIDDY: Oooooohhhh. Okay. That helps. Wait. No it doesn't. I'm covering Cronkite. Whose father was he?

ME: Cronkite was everyone's favorite Uncle Walter. But aren't you also covering the death of Gordon Waller? He died yesterday too.


ME: Of Peter and Gordon. Now, you might confuse them with Chad and Jeremy.

GIDDY: I know. Right? Wait. What?

ME: Peter and Gordon, Chad and Jeremy. They were part of the "British Invasion."

GIDDY: Oh my god. you give me JFK's death and now the Revolutionary War? These are things from history class for my audience. (SHE GRABBED A FORK FULL OF MY SAUSAGE GRAVY)

ME: No, the British invasion was the Beatles, the Stones, the Dave Clark Five and all those groups. Peter and Gordon had a leg up because Peter Asher's sister was Jane Asher - Paul McCartney's girlfriend. But Chad and Jeremy played "The Redcoats" on the Dick Van Dyke show.

GIDDY (TAKING A BITE OF MY HASH BROWNS): Like I said, Revolutionary War. I'm not stupid.

ME: No. So, anyway, there's your connection. Cronkite is famous for his JFK and space program coverage in the 60s and Peter and Gordon were stars in the 60s.

GIDDY: So who's the third one? I explained to you how they die in threes, right?

ME: Well, Robert McNamara died a couple weeks ago. He was the architect of the Viet Nam war in the 60s. Don't confuse him with the band leader.


ME: Nevermind. But there's also Dallas McKennon, who died a few days ago. He was the voice of Gumby, Buzz Buzzard and Archie Andrews in cartoons.

GIDDY (FRUSTRATED): I asked for your help and you just try and confuse me. Eddie Murphy was Gumby. I wish he'd died. People at least know who Eddie Murphy is.

ME: (INCREDULOUS STARE) Um, they made a cartoon out of Eddie's Gumby character and Dallas McKennon did the voice. And "Dallas" goes with JFK's assassination covered by Cronkite. So now you have 4 connections instead of three.

GIDDY: I'm going with Gumby. No one cares about McNamara and the Viet Nam War, right? I wonder if SNL will have Eddie Murphy on to do a tribute to Gumby? Are you going to eat all your bacon?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Republican Murder Plot Gets MSNBC Support

Responding to my post yesterday about Bristol Palin's boyfriend on the Today Show, former Nixon speech writer and current bloviating MSNBC token Republican, Pat Buchanan, called on Todd Palin to kill the father of his grandchild.
“Well, first, with regard to Levi, I think First Dude up there in Alaska, Todd Palin, ought to take Levi down to the creek and hold his head underwater until the thrashing stops.“
The scheme was put forth initially on "Starbucks' Morning Joe" where the hosts found the vision of the dark-haired young Levi Johnston, stylishly attired in an argyle sweater and designer jeans, thrashing about, gasping for air and then perishing, to be hilarious.

In order to give readers a better understanding, this blog asked an intern to get into a nearby creek to simulate the proposed plan. As you can see by the photo at right, laughter is induced even before the victim's head goes under.

Republicans immediately distanced themselves from Buchanan. The suddenly ubiquitous Dick Cheney materialized on Fox News where he grumbled, "This is why I never told Pat about my Super Secret Big Boys Only CIA Executive Assassination Club. He's been yammering on TV for so many years now he forgets what 'top secret' means. If he'd been like this back when he was working for Nixon, the Watergate Hotel break-in would have been all over the news ... hey, wait a minute!"

Todd Palin, asked about the murder plans by reporters and the Alaskan Mounties, said, "I don't know nothin' about what Pat Buchanan said. And if I did, he sure spoiled it now. Everyone will be watching me. And we wasn't gonna do it in the creek neither."

MSNBC issued a disclaimer saying that they did not advocate harming anyone, "even a total douchebag like Levi". They then had Buchanan appear on "Hardball", "Countdown" and "The Rachel Madow Show We Couldn't Come Up With a Name For" to repeat his call for Johnston's death by drowning. The backwoods assassination plot continued to get rave reviews and uproarious support.

Monday, July 13, 2009

It's Too Late For Me - Save Yourself!

I am inserting a link to this article, not because I think you should read it (I certainly did not) but because I thought any thinking person would need proof that it is true: The Today show interviewed Levi Johnston to get his input on Sarah Palin's resignation.

For those of you with enough self-respect to not have stored this information, Johnston is the father of Bristol Palin's baby. Bristol, for those of you with even more self-respect, is Sarah Palin's daughter. Levi and Bristol did not marry.

That Levi Johnston should profit off the fact that he is the irresponsible, teenage ex-boyfriend of the daughter of a political figure says something pretty unflattering about our thirst for gossip.

I see in the sidebar that young Levi has already been interviewed by GQ. I assume they now go by the initials instead of "Gentlemen's Quarterly" because they are no longer restricted to gentlemen.

Okay, I broke down and actually looked at a paragraph in the article:
“Does the American public have an accurate view of Sarah Palin?” Curry asked the dark-haired Johnston, who dressed for his appearance on TODAY in an earth-tone sweater with argyle patches paired with blue jeans.
First of all, WHAT?

Second of all, let's say you're interviewing someone for a job. One question I am sure would not come up is, "May we check with your teenage daughter's ex-fiance - you know - the one that fathered her bastard child? - can we ask him for a true picture of what you're all about? We think he'd be a good source of sound, mature judgement about you."

I believe I lost vast quantities of brain cells just by reading that one sentence. Please heed my warning and protect yourself. Don't click on the link!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

That Makes a Lot of Cents

Kroger has a commercial out now about how, if you buy their milk, you can get ten cents off per gallon when you buy their gas. The woman in the commercial says, "at today's high gas prices, ten cents a gallon really adds up."

That is a statement worthy of Yogi Berra.

And, though it may be a total non-sequiter, you can't deny the truth of it. I think that when raises come around at work, I'm going to propose that everyone gets 10 cents an hour more, across the board. When my boss objects, I will say, "At your salary level, 10 cents an hour really adds up." He's probably too dumb to realize that it adds up the same no matter whose salary we're talking about.

Of course it adds up! That's what number do! And they add up regardless of the price of gas. The additive property of numbers doesn't change with the economy. 10 cents a gallon will still be 10 + 10 + 10 and so on, even if gas prices drop. What's more, it would be a better deal at a lower price of gas. If gas is $2.50/gallon, a dime gives you a 4% savings, whereas, at $1/gallon, you would be getting 10% off.

If the woman said, "at today's prices, 10 cents a gallon is marginally less in savings," it wouldn't sell much gas, but I'd be more impressed with the advertisers.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

BarBe Will Continue Hanging Out at KT's Barbecue

Click here to see video

I know all of you have been checking back here over the past two months, wondering what happened to Kenny and BarBe Q. (See previous stories: click here.)I apologize for not updating you immediately when the decision was rendered.

BarBe will continue to be allowed to wear the bikini top that hasn't fit her since 7th grade. Kenny has made tens and hundreds of dollars off the people who have been enticed into his barbecue mega store by BarBe; surely he can afford to get her clothes that fit properly.

In the video, several people state that BarBe's attire is no more revealing than that of real women seen in Reading. I've been to Reading and I think they are stretching the truth more than BarBe is stretching that top. But I'm a fan of Kenny and BarBe and I'm glad they stuck it out. It perked up his sales, though I imagine as the novelty wears off and it gets old, sales will droop.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Moonwalk at the Apollo

Yesterday's news as summarized on wordle.
This is the way I like my news, condensed into keywords. I get all my knowledge of current events from headlines. I don't have time to read columns of words. Even Twitter tweets are TMI, in my opinion.

We all knew that there would be rumors that Michael Jackson's death was faked. We all knew that his nose and his skin tone were fake. What I didn't expect was this headline claim that Jackson's moonwalk was faked.

Jackson supposedly performed the moonwalk in 1983 during a TV special. Television fakes stuff all the time so I'm not surprised if they did this too. I mean, he was lip syncing, why not step syncing? The prevailing theories are that he walked forward and they played it backwards, or that they moved the stage while he stood still, or that he was already dead and being manipulated by strings.

But what surprised me even more was the claim that some other guy actually debuted the moon walk on television 14 years earlier. Nearly 40 years ago, this Neil Armstrong dude did this performance. Come on, he is clearly being aided by a walker of some sort. And may I say that the costuming, choreography and production quality in 1969 were soooo primitive. It's not even in color.

For now, Michael Jackson's legacy is in the hands of his executors: quite fittingly a business manager and an attorney. I am sure they will come up with the true story and sell it to you at a fair price.

Post Script:
Here's my favorite juxtaposition of headlines this morning from MSNBC news.
Nearly all the MJ merchandise is ‘bootlegged’
Newsweek: Why didn't economists predict the crisis?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

When JohnnyB Comes Marching Out of the Closet

*It's 1863. Irish-American bandleader Patrick Gilmore is seated at a writing desk in his parlor. Hillary Duff enters the room.
DUFF: Writing another song, Patty?
PATRICK: For sure. I ripped off this tune called "Johnny Fill Up The Bowl" from some stoner and I'm writing a nice Civil War ditty called "When Johnny Comes Marching Home".
DUFF: Let me see the lyrics. "Oh the men will cheer and the boys will shout. And we'll all feel gay"? That's insulting. Think B4 you write.
PATRICK: "B4"? What a queer thing to say. Oh WTF, I'll just use the name Louis Lambert and no one will know it was me, except my life partner, Johnny.

*Today I pulled a t-shirt out of my closet that I got at Tall Stacks in Cincinnati (the Queen City of the West) a few years ago. We had taken a riverboat cruise and saw a dinner show on the boat. I bought the t-shirt as a souvenir. So I came out of the closet today wearing my shirt that says "Creole Queen" across the front. Mocha-choco-lata-ya-ya.

*Last year, three of my friends at work and I all became shareholders, or "principals" in the firm we work for. Though the business entity we work for is a corporation, not a partnership, we still call each other partners, because it's just easier. When I introduce Mike, I say, "this is my partner Mike.....I mean, we're business partners."

If my friend Bill was still writing, he would tell all about how words evolve and "gay" and "queer" and "queen" and even "partner" take on new meanings.

I was thinking about all that when I came out of the closet with my Creole Queen t-shirt on and I had an epiphany, which, I hope to God, has only either a religious connotation or means a "sudden insight". My epiphany was to finally realize what the opponents of same sex marriage are talking about when they say that it will destroy marriage. As they say, marriage "is defined as between a man and a woman" If same-sex marriages proliferate, "marriage" will become another euphemism for gay - er, queer - I mean, homosexual, and cause confusion. The anti-same-sex people are just all about language purity. It's words they care about.

I don't believe that you can stop the evolution of language or the changing mores of society. The understanding of the word "married" is already in doubt. When I introduce Mike, I say, "this is my partner Mike.....I mean, we're business partners. We're married." Then I have to explain THAT. "I mean, he's a woman. And I'm a woman - not the same woman."

So just relax, light up a fag, grab some fruit and we'll all be gay.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Take This Job and Shove It

“(Sarah Palin) said she had decided against running for re-election as Alaska's governor, and believed it was best to leave office even though she had two years left to her term.”

The woman quit half-way through the job she asked for and made it sound noble:
“Many just accept that lame duck status, and they hit that road. They draw a paycheck. They kind of milk it. And I'm not going to put Alaskans through that,” she said.
Because, of course, those were her only two choices: resign or just sit around the Governor’s mansion eating moose jerky and following John McCain on Twitter. Actually taking care of the state’s business would be too much to ask of someone who wasn’t doing it in order to get reelected.
“I really can’t work up a good goddam for the state of Alaska anymore and I didn’t want to disappoint all y’all, so, screw it. The Lieutenant Gov can have this shit,” she explained
Don’t misunderstand me, I admire what she did. I would do it if I could. “Boss, a lot of guys my age just start coasting toward retirement, phoning it in and delegating all their work to others while they go to seminars and conventions paid for by the company. I don’t want to do you that way. What don’t you understand? Here, let me put it in a song, see if that helps.
Take this job and shove it, I don’t wanna work no more
Sarah Palin done quit and gave me the reason I was looking for
Don’t wanna just be collectin’ my pay
You’re the one I’m doin’ this for
Take this job and shove it, I don’t wanna work no more"
I can’t do that. Why? Because I don’t have other options. Palin does. Palin is a schemer who knows there is more money, power and influence for her if she gets out of Alaska and comes to America. And she quit now because (unless she is avoiding some major scandal that was about to bring her down) she is going after that stuff before it slips away.

Palin famously compared her hockey-mom self to a pit bull. A pit bull is a dog that will bite you and never let go. If Sarah Palin is a pit bull who had Alaska politics by the ass, what she just did is like the dog saying “Hey, heck with this ass, I smell bacon,” and dropping them.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hey Baby, How Much Would it Cost Just to Get My Lines Crossed?


The other day Mark Sanford revealed that he had been involved with other women besides his mistress, but it was no big deal because
"There were a handful of instances wherein I crossed the lines I shouldn't have crossed as a married man, but never crossed the ultimate line," he said.
This prompted me to try and call him once again to see if he really is a big hypocrite of if he's just a misunderstood profligate miscreant. Once again I got put on hold.
You have reached the office of the Governor of South Carolina. The governor is tied up right now but the dominatrix involved is just teasing him and it's all quite innocent. Please hold and listen to our musak.

I keep a loose hold on these vows of mine
I keep my options open all the time
I keep a mistress and an open mind
A couple times
I crossed the line

I find it very, very easy to construe
My infidelity as sort of being true
I’ve been with other women, but we didn’t screw
A couple times
I crossed the line

You have reached the office of the Governor of South Carolina. The governor is is busy celebrating the fact that Sarah Palin may have done something that will take the spotlight off of him. Please hold and listen to our musak.

One poke over the line, sweet Jesus
One poke over the line
Slippin' out of town for a sex liaison
One poke over the line

I hung up at that point.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Would You Like To Fly

“Ohio saw a hefty jump in its ranking for adult obesity, moving from 17th last year to 10th this year.”We are number 10, with a bullet – and a slice of pie on the side, please.
I know I did my part this past year and, by god, I believe we can reach number 1. Kentucky may be ahead of us for now, but we will eat their lunch!

In other local news, The Archdiocese of Cincinnati will not allow inflatable rides at their festivals anymore. Southwest Ohio has a big mass of Catholics, and Church festivals are their major form of Summer entertainment. A lot of the catholic churches are old buildings with no air conditioning. I imagine that when the weather gets hot, people stop going and the tithing stops flowing. So festivals are a way to raise money.

And money is the reason the inflatable rides are out. One recent Sunday in Middletown one of those rides flew away with a small boy on it. Other rides around the country have also become possessed and exorcism isn’t working “The increase in injuries and even fatalities led the archdiocese's insurance administrator to warn of potential liability, which in turn prompted diocesan officials to ban the rides this year.”

You read that right, according to the reporter, the injuries did not lead to the ban, the increased liability did. So, here in Southwest Ohio, kids are going to bed without having ridden an inflatable ride because of the insurance industry.

President Obama needs to address this amusement industry crisis of soaring prices of insurance for soaring rides. We need national amusement ride insurance like they have in Canada and Europe. Sure it might mean kids will have to stand in line longer for the rides and there will be greater delays in amusement, but these colorful, inflated bouncy things are a fundamental right guaranteed by the Constitution:
“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Beer Booths, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the prize Raffles, and secure the Amusement at Festivals to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”
Of course, if the number of obese children in Ohio keeps swelling, the Archdiocese won’t have to worry. The rides won’t beable to get off the ground with our kids on them.