Tuesday, April 27, 2010

All They Will Call Them Will Be Deportees

Arizona’s Legislature passed a Bill making it illegal to look like an illegal immigrant. The Governor proudly signed the bill into law, confidently declaring, “I have no idea what an illegal immigrant looks like”, but I’m safe, so who gives a crap?

One man alleges that he is an innocent victim of profiling under this new law. He claims he was arrested for having only a valid driver’s license and social security number and not carrying his birth certificate, white skin and English-sounding name with him.

President Barack Obama traveled to Arizona this morning to see what the commotion was all about. Upon landing at John Birch National-Socialist Airport, Obama was detained by authorities who demanded that he prove his citizenship. Obama happened to be carrying his birth certificate and stated, “I thought everyone in America had ordered one of these from Hawaii by now.” Arizona officials averted their eyes and stuffed their hands in their pockets, refusing to touch or even look at Obama’s birth certificate, saying there was no proof it was real.

When news of the legal struggle brewing over President’s arrest and imminent deportation got out, Arizona citizens was outraged. “We can’t have this much time spent on each and every obvious case of an illegal immigrant infiltrating our country,” one demonstrator shouted to the crowd. “Our police force, under funded because of the Liberal Communists who ruined the economy, can’t be expected to find every one of those bastards. We have our guns; let’s go out ourselves and find those people in their homes and places of work and round ‘em up. Some of them might be legal, but we’ll sort that out later.”

Governor Brewer vowed to step in at that point and have the state build camps to house the suspected Mexicans and A-rabs. She immediately hopped into her pickup truck and started cruising the streets of Phoenix, picking up men willing to work cheap to get the camps built.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Who Knew That Iceland Would Be a Hot Spot?

Hot Freak Style News
updated 8:02 a.m. ET, Sun., Apr. 18, 2010

NEW YORK - An urgent special session of the United Nations Security Council was called today to address fallout from Iceland’s unprovoked volcanic ash attack on Europe.

The session was just as quickly called off when U.N. event planners realized that most of the participants were unable to travel to the meeting due to grounded flights. “We’ve got caterers delivering every kind of ethnic food New York has to offer and nobody here to eat it except the U.S. delegation,” said Rosario Iglesias, Chief of U.N. Concierge Services. “Those guys are just wandering around, playing with their Blackberries and breaking into the booze supplies.”

That scenario is symbolic of the crippling effect the Icelandic volcanic attack has had on the entire world. Cancelled commercial airline flights threaten international trade, business operations and the vacation industry. Travelers stranded in European airports can only wait along with the rest of the world to hear what Iceland wants in return for ending the airborne ash assault.

It is rumored that Iceland’s government just wants to be known for something other than a source of cod fish. However, heads of state of leading nations have been reluctant to call Prime Minister Geir H. Haarde of Iceland about the crisis because they are still working on pronouncing his name. “Is that first ‘H’ a middle initial or part of his last name?” asked Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev. “This is a ridiculous thing to try and say.” “Ha ha. You should talk,” responded Vladimir Putin, according to sources.

President Obama felt confident that he would not embarrass himself talking to Iceland’s Prime Minister, reportedly saying, “I have a golden tongue and I can pronounce anything, such as ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite precocious.” However, White House operators were unable to find Iceland in the rolodex. It turns out that the address had been refiled under the island’s Icelandic name, Forsætisráðherra Íslands, by Presdient George W. Bush. “I ain’t as dumb as you all thunk I were. Heh heh.” Bush reportedly laughed when the current President’s staff contacted him to locate the address. “I can’t pronunsciate that shit, but Laura read me a book about that place and I made an executive order to have it reaphlabaptized.” Ironically, the former President is capable of pronouncing Icelandic words perfectly.

Presdient Obama is thought to be preparing to call Prime Minister Haarde as soon as he can assemble his Security Council and develop a strategy. It is rumored that the U.S. has been in contact with England about a plan to parachute Special Forces Chimney Sweeps from Great Britain onto the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Reykjavík and have them snuff it out while also forming a spectacular large group musical dance production on the irregular and dangerous edges of the volcano crater. The plan is stalled, however by the aircraft flight restrictions in Europe. “It’s a bit of a sticky ‘Catch 22’,” commented a British Prime Minister who wished to remain anonymous.

Republicans in Congress are blaming President Obama for the entire crisis, saying he should have acted to prevent Iceland from obtaining volcanic capabilities instead of concentrating on meaningless healthcare legislation. A White House spokesperson shot back, saying, “It’s Forsætisráðherra Íslands, not Iceland, stupid.”
Glenn Beck, on his popular TV show on Fox News Network drew extensive doodles on his chalk board showing the link between volcanos on Obama’s Island home of Hawaii and the Forsætisráðherra Íslands volcano and socialism. “'Volcanic ash and socialism'. It contains the words 'Sasha' and 'Melia', Obama’s daughters. Also the word 'Volvos' – the car of the elite liberals. Am I the only one who sees this?” Beck asked no one in particular.

President obama responded to critics saying that pressure was building in the volcano during the term of the prior administration but that they ignored it in favor of attacking Middle eastern countries who really posed no lasting threat to the rest of the world. “If you’ve ever played Risk,” the Presdient stated in a deep, authoritative and condescending manner, “you know that Iceland is a critical link between North America and Europe.”

Saturday, April 3, 2010

In Which Pooh Gets Contact Lenses and Then Goes Out On a Blustery Day

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Bees and cheeses! This damned wind is blowing dust in my eyes. I’m blind, Piglet!”
“Ouch! Jesus H. Christopher Robin, Piglet, what just hit me in the head?”
“Ooh, Pooh, the wind is blowing dead branches out of the trees. We will have loads of lovely Pooh sticks to play with on the bridge.”
“Blast the bridge games, you pygmy pork product! I beg you, take one of those Pooh sticks and gouge my eyes out.”
“Holy crap, what just happened to me?”
“You fell in our heffalump trap, Pooh. I’ll get Christopher Robin.”
“No, just leave me here a while, Piglet. The wind can’t get me down here. And there’s still some honey in the pots. It’s so much nicer in here, I have composed a hum:

The more it blows
Tiddly ₤#@&
The more it goes
Tiddly ₤#@&
The more it goes
Tiddly ₤#@&
On gusting

And so I cry
Tiddly ₤#@&
And gouge my eye
Tiddly ₤#@&
And think I’ll die
Tiddly ₤#@&
From dusting.”

"Yes, Pooh?"
"I apologize for the 'pygmy pork product' remark."
"it's okay, Pooh."


Today I mowed the lawn for the first time this season.
Last fall, we had all our huge trees serviced – pest preventative applied, roots fertilized and dead branches thinned out. It seemed reasonable to me that I shouldn’t need a hard hat to protect me from the flying timber as I pushed the mower around blindly because the intense gusts of wind were throwing gravel up under my contacts.

But I did.

I told my wife about it and she had a totally uncalled for response.
“So, did you wear your hard hat?”
“No. My hard hat is in my office at work where it is more convenient when I need to not wear it on the job site tours I don’t go on.”
“Did you at least wear those big sun glasses you got to protect your eyes when you’re whacking weeds?”
“Do you remember Bill Cosby’s routine about the giant chicken heart that ate Manhattan?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“What happened at the end of it.”
“The radio narrator says, ‘The chicken heart is out side your door!’.”
“Right, going ‘BOOMP, BOOMP. BOOMP, BOOMP’.”
“Yeah, and young Bill smears Jello on the floor and lights the sofa on fire.”
“Because monsters won’t come near smoking fire and Jello.”
“And Bills father comes in and says, ‘What’s going on?”
“And Bill says, ‘Gotta stop the BOOMP, BOOMP. BOOMP, BOOMP.’”
“So Bill’s dad turns off the radio.”
“And young Bill says …?” I prompt
“He says ‘I never thought of that.’”