Tuesday, November 30, 2010

WikiLeaks and the Playboys

Cables Depict U.S. Haggling to Find Takers for Detainees


Who wants to buy-uy-uy, these detainees?
Just take them off our hands and you get anything you please.
This detainee could bring time with our President,
Or this detainee could mean funds from the I M F;
Or we could send them to the Saudi Arabians
For rehabilitation

At Gitmo it’s closing time and voters made it clear
The pris’ners don’t have to go home, but they cannot stay here
These detainees could be dumped on the Yemenis
But then they would just return here as our enemies
And we don’t want it known that we provide a
Recruitment for Al Qaeda

Lyrics | Gary Lewis And The Playboys lyrics - This Diamond Ring lyrics

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Willie Don't Let Your Police Get Probable Causes

Sheriffs ain’t easy to love and we don’t get along
They’d rather pound on your head then hit on your bong
You can’t get that far on only six ounces
But with that much they’ll put you away
They just don’t understand life or music or songs
They just want to ruin your day

Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be sheriffs
Don’t let ‘em work vice squads or border patrol
Let ‘em guard school yards or collect highway tolls
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be sheriffs
‘Cause they take my home grown and won’t leave me alone
On my bus with the stuff that I love

Monday, November 22, 2010

And That, Charlie Brown, Is What Christmas Is All About

In the time of King Herod, after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem, asking, "Where is the child who has been born king of the Jews? For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay him homage."

When King Herod heard this, he said, that was not a star but it was the lights of the mall stores for they stay open late for this season. Herod suggested the wise men buy a Garmin, saying, "Go and search diligently for the child; and when you have found him, bring me word so that I may also go and pay him homage."

When they had heard the king, they set out; and there, ahead of them, were the lights of the mall and then went therein to buy some gifts for the child. Entering the door, the wise kings heard angels singing on high, for the mall managers had suspended plastic angels overhead, with speakers embedded in their mouths, which blared forth "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" and "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" seemingly until the End of Days.

A young drummer boy had also entered the mall, stopping at the Spencer’s Gifts to grab some gold, frankincense and myrrh. “Happy Holidays,” the drummer boy called to the shopkeeper.

“You mean ‘Merry Christmas’”, the shopkeeper replied, “for Christ is the reason for the season and the savior of my bottom line.”

“Well, there is Thanksgiving still to come and then Christmas and New Year and possibly you celebrate the Jewish holidays. I just wanted to wish you happiness for all of them.”

The shopkeeper said, “Lo, you have joined the war on Christmas. We must be Merry in these days and you may be happy when the New Year comes, but not before. Now get thee away from my shop.” And the drummer boy was forced to go seek the King with no gift to give.

But the wise men, having observed this, went to the shopkeeper crying, “Merry Christmas” and bought the gold, frankincense and myrrh the drummer boy had wanted. “We should also get something for Mary and Joseph,” suggested one of the Kings. So it was that they visited Hickory Farms and bought a selection of summer sausage and cheeses. “This is not kosher,” remarked king one. “I have a feeling things are changing,” said king two. “We should also get something for the dog,” offered king three. And so it was.

Then they went forth and followed the Garmin until they came to the place where the child was. It was an inn, festooned with twinkling lights and a flashing “No Vacancy” sign that lighted their way. Office Christmas parties had filled the inn, so that Mary and her child had to stay in the adjoining parking garage which cost 20 shekels per day.

There the wise men found the child nestled in a Graco baby carrier, surrounded by plaster reindeer, an inflatable snowman a giant Winnie the Pooh dressed as Santa Clause and a pine tree covered in shiny ornaments. They offered the baby king their gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Mary took the gifts, saying, “Seriously? What the hell is myrrh?”

And having been warned in a dream they could not return the gifts at the mall, the wise men just smiled uncomfortably and had some shrimp from the buffet table and then quickly left for their own country by another path.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Amendments to the Constitution

This past election has left me bereft of hope and doubting the possibility of change. To reform our system, we need the following amendments to the Constitution.

An addendum to the first amendment:
AMENDMENT 1: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances, provided that the people’s speeches, signs displayed at assemblies and petitions shall be grammatically correct and all words contained in them shall be properly spelled. Furthermore, to retain their rights, the press must employ competent editors.

The only provisions in the Constitution about voting regard who may not be denied that right - we need a new amendment that says who should be denied that right:
NEW AMENDMENT 28: The right of a citizen of the United States to vote shall be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State if the citizen cannot clearly explain who and what he or she is voting for and give one good reason for doing so, or if his or her given reasons are based on lies, distortions or ignorance.
The italicized addendum to this article should be added to those regarding the qualification for Senator and Representative - and mandated to all the states as well:
ARTICLE 2, CLAUSE 5: No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States and who does not display a modicum of common sense, cannot clearly articulate the issues that citizens actually care about and cannot state his or her priorities in addressing those issues.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Now For a Public Radio Pledge Break

They left out mention of my man Juan Williams,
whom they fired for sayin' he's afraid of Muslims
on a plane, it's insane and it hurt his feelings,
but now he talks on Fox and he's makin' millions

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Prince Willy's Engagement

Prince William's statement announcing his engagement:

Kate Middleton’s my very best girl; we got engaged to be married today
Kate Middleton is part of my world, if the Queen lets me have it my way
My father tells me if I love her or not,
I still have to get approval from my Nana
Kate Middleton’s a pretty nice girl, I don’t want her to end up like Diana,
Oh yeah, don't want her to end up like Diana

sounds sort of like this

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Kosher Not OK in OK

There was a bit of a public tsimmis last week when Oklahoma discovered they might have outlawed the Ten Commandments along with Sharia Law. This week, however, officials in the Sooner state have come to terms with the situation.

“Those Commandments are a Jewish thing, anyway”, State Representative Chris Simon said with a shrug. “We’re don’t need their God telling us we can’t covet our neighbor’s wife. It’s un-American.”

The tablets brought from Sinai by Moses are not the only Jewish edicts that Oklahoma has banned along with Islamic laws; the constitutional amendment also barred rabbis from approving food preparation in accordance with Kashrut, or Kosher law.

“The Hebrew National people used to talk about their wieners answering to a higher authority,” Rep. Jones asserted; “well, that authority was not Jesus, and Jesus wants us to have pork in our wieners.”

Oklahoma police have been assigned to block rabbis from entering factories to oversee food preparation. Executives at Sooner Salami Works were arrested yesterday for perpetuating the practice of preparing their products following Kashrut. Rabbi Moishe Finkelman has been organizing protests of the Kashrut ban, but has not been able to stop enforcement.

Meanwhile Jewish Oklahomans have been ordered to cease separating meat and dairy products. Police have begun going house to house in Oklahoma shtetls and confiscating the second set of cookware and dinnerware kept by observant Jews.

“We can’t allow American dining decisions to be made under laws of some other religion or national origin,” Rep. Jones explained. It's not just Muslims we fear, coming in here and cutting off people's hands under Sharia law; we fear the Jews as well, coming here and taking away our shrimp and our pork rinds. I’m sure the Jews will understand if they just look in their hearts and ask how their savior, Jesus Christ would handle this.

A federal judge put a restraining order on the enforcement of the Sharia law ban. Jews are expecting to get a similar ruling soon. “We have all the lawyers,” rabbi Finkelman declared with chutzpah.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Happy Meal Banned in San Francisco

They have no heart in San Francisco
Banned Happy Meals at Mickey D’s
Though little children’s psyches are
Left traumatized and scarred,
Though tiny tots cry, “It’s unfair!”
They don’t care!
They plugged free trade in San Francisco
Like Happy Meals clog arteries
The People’s Republic of San Francisco
That Golden Gated community