Jason, Come Out of the Bathroom

Passengers making frequent and prolonged visits to airplane bathrooms caused concern because of the tight security surrounding the 9/11 anniversary Sunday. Fighter jets were sent to escort the planes and the caution is certainly understandable. Some may have misunderstood, however, and I envision the following scenario somewhere in flyover country:

MOM: (Knocking on bathroom door) Jason, what are you doing in the bathroom?

JASON: Seriously? I’m using the bathroom. Go away, Mom.

MOM: Jason, there is no reason why a 13-year-old boy should need to lock himself in the bathroom as frequently and for such extended periods as you are doing lately. Is something wrong?

JASON: I’m FINE, Mom. Go away.

MOM: Jason, I hear strange sounds when you are in there and you seem to be breathing heavily. Are you working on something in there?

JASON: Oh, god, Mom! Leave me alone and stop listening in on me.

MOM: Jason, don’t take that tone. One needs to be vigilant nowadays. I know you took your computer in there. What websites are you looking at? Are you looking at Al Qaeda? Jason, are you building a bomb in your underwear? Is that why they are stained?

JASON: MOM!! Stop it; I’m not building a bomb.

MOM: Jason, that’s good to hear. However, in the interest of national security, I’ve asked the Air Force to send an F-16. I believe it is flying over the house right now.

JASON: WHAT THE FU …

MOM: Jason, please remain calm. The FAA is here and, when you come out of the bathroom, they will have some questions for you. If everything is as fine as you say it is, it should not take long or result in any arrests.

JASON: For God’s sake, Mom, what the hell?

MOM: Jason, from now on you will be allowed no more than 3 ounces of hand lotion when you go in the bathroom. Just so you know.

Carmageddon Leads to Schwin-graLA

"Six bicyclists ... beat a JetBlue flight from Burbank to Long Beach by a wide margin"

Daisy, Daisy, this is how we'll commute
It sounds crazy, but saves money and time, to boot
We won't get stuck on the highway
If we traverse L.A. my way
Our shorts look dumb
And our butts get numb
But a bicycle beats JetBlue

Watch for news of L.A. gangs taking to committing crimes on bicycles and eluding police cars that can't keep up in traffic. Peddle-by shootings become the norm. Stars show up for the Oscars on custom-made bikes while Joan and Melissa Rivers ask, "Who are you riding?"

The Most radical College? Yeah, I went There

The Huffington Post lists "The MOST RADICAL Colleges" in the country. Number 1 is Occidental College, where I got my BS in Economics.

Oh, I wasn't there in 1970 when "Oxy students wrote 7,000 letters to Washington D.C., protesting U.S. involvement in the war in Southeast Asia" But a couple years later my friends and I did way radicaler stuff.

Once, the Director of Food Services started serving cheap, fake steaks with artificial grill marks on them instead of the real, cheap steaks we had before. We marched our partially eaten foodish substance into her office and politely set the plates down on a table in protest.

One time, during lunch, a band was playing on that quad seen in the picture above. When one o'clock came, someone climbed up on the tower and turned the clock back and almost none of us went to our one o'clock classes until almost twenty after one.

There was the time several of us stood on the balcony of the Student Union, overlooking that quad, and protested the poor economic conditions in our country of Germany. It was part of our history class, "1908", where each student took a role of some actual government official from a European country in the year 1908 and then played history out during our actual days outside the classroom. The course wrapped up with a ball where we all waltzed until midnight, or maybe 10 pm. They were such wild, radical day, it's hard to remember

Hopeless Carmageddon

Residents brace for closure of 405 freeway

On a West L.A. highway, we were getting nowhere
Hot smell of exhaust fumes, clumps of smog in the air
Up ahead around Westwood, I saw the CalTrans sign lights
My world grew shaky and began to spin
I would be stuck for two nights
They had closed down the freeway
Mulholland Drive as well
We can’t get through the Sepulveda Pass
Or as we call it: the Third Ring of Hell
As we inched toward an off ramp, taking most of a day
CHiPs were clearing out the diamond lane
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the hopeless Carmageddon
Won’t get out alive (won’t get out alive)
From the 405
No one will move in the hopeless Carmageddon
It’s your darkest fear
You are all stuck here

An Age-Old Health Problem

So we has a health assessment at work and I just got my results. I am chronologically 56 years old but my "health age" is 52, based on the various factors they measure (for example my low cholesterol and my general overall happiness). However, my potential health age is 49.5, if I address the 4 factors they indicated with check marks. The form states that items with a check mark "need attention". Were I to correct them, then, like the fate of Ebenezer Scrooge, 52 in health age is a mere shadow of what might be; I can have a fresh start as a vibrant 49.5-year-old.

But what then? In the coming December (coincidentally when my actual birthday occurs) I face turning 50 again. I would once again hit the half century mark just as winter approaches, a psychological setback that would surely age me to at least 53, what with the concomitant spike in depression and related consumption of fatty comfort foods that would ensue.

In the years between actual age 50 and 56, I gained a lot of weight. I only recently reversed that with a change in eating habits and a commitment to regular exercise. Perhaps if I can keep that up and psych myself into it, I can avoid the negative mental response to turning 50 in health years. I should focus on the positive aspects of good health and a longer life expectancy.

So what are the 4 factors that "need attention" and corrective action. Well, one is my age; at 56, I am a higher risk for certain health problems. Before I even start, I'm faced with a paradox and a Catch-22. I can make myself younger by addressing my creeping age problem. Maybe there's something I'm not aware of, but i don't think I can fix my age the way I did my weight.

There are three other factors: I need to get more sleep, more fruits and vegetables and do more stretching exercises. By fixing those three, maybe I can get down to 50.5 and then I don't have to worry about leaving my 40s again. And hey, that addresses the age problem, right?

Signs and Portents

A dinosaur at the new Kings Island exhibit "Dinosaurs Alive!" caught fire Tuesday evening.
Investigators say that there appears to be no connection with the burning of Touchdown Jesus last year, just a few miles west of the amusement park and that the two incidents are not part of the ongoing feud between creationists and evolutionists.
Suspects in the arson at the church are a Father, Son and Holy Spirit; the Father having forbidden people from creating graven images of the Lord and having boasted about raining down Hell fire and brimstone in the past. The Holy Trio were not reported being seen near the dinosaur exhibit around the time of the fire, though some charge that God is everywhere.

In related news, the Son of Beast failed to return to Kings Island on May 21st as was predicted by amusement park evangelists earlier this year. Park officials claim the date of the ride's return is unknown and likely not until at least 2012.

Cheney Undecided on Getting a Heart From the Wizard

WASHINGTON (AP) — Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he hasn't decided whether to seek a heart transplant. Asked about why he would hesitate, Cheney sang,

When a man’s an evil demon
A heart disrupts his schemin’
I’ve had none from the start
But Now I am presumin’
That I could be almost human
If I get myself a heart

When I was governmental
It would have been detrimental
To my practice of Dark Art
My soul’s been sold to Satan
And yet now I am debatin’
Should I get myself a heart?

Picture me, on the TV
On Fox and Friends news show

(Gretchen)
You and Bush were great, don't you know

(Cheney)
We were corrupt. Oh, whoops!

Just to register emotion, decency, devotion
Might split my mind apart
If they could install a zipper
So back and forth I could just flip ‘er
I would get myself a heart

Trump's Campaign Song

Obama was born a Kenyan man
Not a natural born citizen, not an American
They claimed he was Hawaiian, that’s just an evil plan
Barack was born a Kenyan man

His father was an African conspirator
Who wanted the US White House for his son
Barack was born on the mud floor of some jungle hut
U.S. birth certificate? I have not seen one

Obama was born a Kenyan man
Not a natural born citizen, not an American
They claimed he was Hawaiian, that’s just an evil plan
Barack was born a Kenyan man

They showed a birth certificate saying he was born here
Asked if I’m convinced and now believe
I responded, “How the hell’d he get in Harvard, Lord
He’s to bla... dumb to make the Ivy League

Let Me Frost You Cinna Bon

Cinna, Cinna, Cinna, Cinna Bon
Cinna Bon, Cinna Bon, Cinna Bon
Cinna Bon, let me frost you
Let me frost you, Cinna Bon
Let me frost you, that's all I wanna do
Cinna Bon, let me frost you
Let me frost you, Cinna Bon
Let me frost you, let me drool for you
Cinna Bon let me tell you what I wanna do
I’ll unroll you then, I’ll stick a fork in you
Cinna Bon let me tell you what I wanna do
I wanna lick you, wanna bite you, wanna scarf you too
In the airport or the mall
I cannot resist your call, Cinna
'Cause you know how much I love you when you are warm
Cinna, I'll make you more than just a cinnamon dream
I wanna frost you, Cinna
Baby, cause you make me wanna scream
Let me frost you, frost you

Baby, baby, when I pick at you
I feel your warm, sticky inside
There's something about your cinna goo
That keeps me satisfied

I wouldn't lie to you, baby
It's mainly a physical thing
This hunger that I got for you, baby
Makes me wanna sing

CHORUS:
I drool for you
I think I love you
I drool for you
I think I love you

Cinna Bon, let me frost you
Let me frost you, Cinna Bon
Let me frost you, that's all I wanna do
Cinna Bon, let me frost you
Let me frost you, Cinna Bon
Let me frost you, let me drool for you
Drool for you

Baby, baby, when I sit with you
There's no place I'd rather be
I need a shower to wash off the goo-
ey things that you do to me

I wouldn't lie to you, baby
I'm physically inflated by you
This craving that I got for you, baby
The reason why my belly grew

CHORUS

Yes sir, one more bite
Say yeah
I drool for you (I think I love you)
I drool for you (I, I, I think I love you)

Cinna Bon, let me frost you
Let me frost you, Cinna Bon
Let me frost you, that's all I wanna do
Cinna Bon, let me frost you
Let me frost you, Cinna Bon
Let me frost you, let me drool for you
Cinna Bon won't you tell me what you wanna do
Do you drool for me, the way I drool for you
Cinna Bon let me tell you what I wanna do
I wanna love you, wanna hug you, wanna squeeze you too
Let me take you in my hands
Let's drip frosting on my pants, Cinna
'Cause you know that I'm the one to keep you warm
Cinna, I'll make you more than just a physical dream
I wanna frost you, Cinna
Baby, cause you make me wanna scream
Feel for you

I drool for you (Oooh, drool for you)
I drool it too (Oooh, drool for you)
I drool for you (Oooh, drool for you)

Fake Clouds and Belly Fat Faces

Pie in the sky! Qatar invents artificial clouds to beat the heat at 2022 World Cup


Water vapor, cooling air
Rising up, condensing there
Dropping rain drops everywhere
That’s how our clouds are made

But now Qatar can block the sun
With carbon structured helium
So heat won’t burn up everyone
And soccer can be played

There’s scientists on both sides now
Both here and there, and still, somehow,
There’s cloud illusions in Qatar
The US only makes fake barf

BONUS
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
In the sky above Qatar
If they can make fake clouds up thar
Then how I wonder what YOU are

Shocking True Confession:
Surgeon: I injected belly fat into Gadhafi's face

When Gadhafi says, “my punim’s a disgrace”
He gets fat, fat, injected in his face
Where does that come from? His belly is the place
He gets fat, fat, injected in his face