Friday, June 27, 2008

Lift Us Up Where We Be long

Erectile dysfunction treatment commercials are the feminine hygiene ads of the New Millennium: ubiquitous and embarrassing. But there is that one Cialis ad that I do pay attention to: the one where the couple has some sort of other-worldly sex, after which they wake up in matching claw-foot bathtubs on a ridge overlooking the ocean. You can’t watch that without wondering if perhaps Cialis has something in it besides the average E.D. ingredient (which I assume is just calcium, for strong bones).
I am not bragging, but I’ve never experienced E.D. I’m not bragging because I feel like that makes me weird and uncool. The E.D. med commercials have been on for years now and featured some of my favorite sports stars and even Bob Dole, who always has that pen in his hand, so you know he likes to keep busy. The E.D. guys on TV seem to attract a lot of pretty – and horny – women. I’m not interested in getting together with anyone besides my wife, but a little attention doesn’t hurt. I went to my doctor and asked him what is wrong with me. “I’ve never had erectile dysfunction, Doc. Why everyone else but me? I’m not normal.” I wanted to have a need for some Cialis, because I could use a day at the beach, so I asked if he could give me something to cause E.D. He said, “Here’s what I use to cause E.D.,” and he showed me a picture of his wife. That was just rude.
Then he told me, “JohnnyB, you do realize that some men just use those drugs recreationally, right?”
“Recreationally? What, do they go to some Viagra Dude Ranch and sit around a campfire in a circle, like a bunch of jerks, holding…um...hands, and singing cum-baya?
I didn’t end up getting any meds. I just went back home and watched a few, Levitra, Viagra and Cialis ads I had DVR’d so I could get the vicarious thrill of having a limp willy.
Then I noticed perhaps the strangest thing of all about the commercials. At the end, there is a disclaimer in text at the bottom of the screen that says something like, “This product will not prevent sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.” Who out there thinks that an erection pill is going to have the benefits of a condom? Oh yeah, that would be men – men whose entire blood supply is being medically redirected to a region below the belt line, leaving the brain totally lacking in oxygen needed for reason and logic.

erectile dysfunction = I end soft unit (recycle)

Humor Blogs lift you up

5 comments:

Kitty Girl said...

I have to laugh whenever I see one of those commercials, especially the ones where they are sitting in a bathtub outside... yea because people really do that... and isn't the whole point of the e.d. med to be having sex? so whats the point of two tubs? shouoldnt they be together getting it on in the same tub?

Bill Brohaugh said...

Oh yeah, like the phrasing "circle, like a bunch of jerks" was unintentional.

JohnnyB said...

K.G. - yes, I don't see how sitting outside in separate bathtubs is romantic. Who decided that was a good image to use?

Bill - Those lines about the Dr. and "recreational" use of the meds come from a bit I did in stand-up a few times. The phrase you quote always got a big laugh - I don't know why.....

susan said...

Which reminds me..do you ever do stand up anymore?

JohnnyB said...

Given the topic of this post, there are some possible answers to that that...I....must....resist....
The *straight* answer is, no, it's too *hard* to do stand-up comedy well and continue to develop a routine, or routines, while being a full-time profit wrangler.