The Birds

“Airplane collisions with birds have more than doubled at 13 major U.S. airports since 2000.” Immediately upon reading that, I was contacted by former Vice President, Dick Cheney. Cheney, who spent eight years either plotting world domination in an undisclosed location or out hunting hobbled lawyers in a private attorney preserve, is now eager to talk to anyone, anywhere at any time.

Cheney sat across from me, with his head slightly cocked toward the Right, speaking in that slow, deep, almost husky voice that carries an undertone of a horror film soundtrack and makes the hairs stand up on your neck and your skin crawl, giving you a persistent sensation that something dreadful is about to happen ….. to you.

“It’s no coincidence,” Cheney said, “that the increase in bird strikes began at the time that the attacks of September 11, 2001 were being put in motion. Our administration gathered information that al-Qaeda operatives had infiltrated flocks on the roofs and statues in our major cities and begun to radicalize the bird population. Not the Starlings, Clarisse, but the gulls, the geese and other anarchist species.”

Cheney spoke softly, making me want to lean closer to hear but fearing that I might get too near and be sucked into his vortex of evil, descending into Hell to do his bidding for eternity.

“So this increase in bird attacks came about during the Bush administration,” I pointed out, while trembling uncontrollably.

Cheney paused and, without changing expression, locked his eyes on mine and sent sharp pangs of regret deep into my soul. “You will also know, if you read the news carefully that the strikes dropped noticeably in 2007 and 2008. That was the direct result of enhanced interrogation methods that the Justice Department approved us to use. At one point some Abyssinian Jihadist Geese tested me and I made their livers into a pate and ate them with fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

“And you feel that the Obama administration is wrong in reversing your policies of .. torture.”

The one working corner of Cheney’s mouth turned up slightly and his eyes briefly came alive. “I believe that what they have done has put the country in grave danger. We had significant success with acid rain, adverse climate .. modification.. and oil spills in combating bird strikes and gathering valuable intelligence from the goose population. The current administration’s insistence on weakness and environmental .. 'protection' .. of our avowed avian enemies, I think, can lead only to destruction of our nation.”

“Thank you, Mr. Cheney, for your time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go home, lock all the doors, turn on all the lights and huddle on my couch with the TV on up high and the phone ready in my hand.

After leaving his presence and feeling the cloud of despair dissipate, I was still troubled by one thing I had read in the news story. “A single United Airlines 737 passenger jet suffered at least 29 minor collisions with birds and one accident involving a small deer.” When, I asked myself, would someone make a movie about that one plane (starring Samuel L. Jackson) and did Cheney, or anyone, know about the flying deer and what terrorist agenda they are preparing?