Asst A.G. With E.D. is SOL in S.C.

When a man can’t hang out at the cemetery with a stripper on his lunch hour without having his emergency sex toys questioned by police, then, well, then I don’t know what.

“COLUMBIA, S.C. -- A deputy assistant attorney general who said he was on his lunch break when an officer found him with a stripper and sex toys in his sport utility vehicle has been fired.

Roland Corning, 66, and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery. Corning gave (police officer) Wines a badge showing he worked for the state Attorney General's Office. Wines, whose wife also works there, called her to make sure Corning was telling the truth.”

Wait. What? The police officer called his own wife to rat this guy out? If the poor man had said he worked at the hardware store, would the cop have checked that out? The whole story sounds like the plot of a Coen brothers movie.

“He then searched the SUV, where he found a Viagra pill and several sex toys, items Corning said he always kept with him, ‘just in case’.”

Okay, who doesn’t keep that stuff handy? I go down the checklist before every trip to the store or the cemetery: Sex toys, jumper cables, Viagra, flashlight and popcorn popper, you know, just in case.

“Corning and the woman were let go without charges. Wines' wife reported the call to her supervisor, who told Attorney General Henry McMaster. ‘We received credible information about inappropriate behavior Monday afternoon,’ McMaster said Wednesday. And by the close of business, he was no longer working here."

He was in a secluded area of the cemetery. If the cop doesn’t start calling his family about it, no one knows. THAT’S the inappropriate behavior.

“Such a trip to the cemetery ‘would not be appropriate, at any time, for an assistant attorney general,’ McMaster said.”

Really? Is that in the employee manual? “Do not go to the cemetery with a stripper.” Besides, he was the deputy assistant A.G. Is he held to the same high standard as the assistant, A.G.?

The girl was 18; they both were released without charges (i.e. there was no crime committed) and he was at lunch. Viagra is not a controlled substance. So the man needed some help to get himself a, uh, “5-dollar footlong”, if you will, on his lunch break. So what? I need caffeine to get up in the morning. If I drink it at the graveyard with an exotic dancer, is my next stop the unemployment line?

“South Carolina has had its share of scandal lately, most notably Gov. Mark Sanford's disappearance in June. His office told reporters he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, but he was really in Argentina visiting his mistress.” On the state’s peso!

And the governor still has his job. The 66-year-old deputy assistant D.A. with E.D. does not. Are they running out of politicians in S.C. to pin scandals on? Come on, the guy was not even an elected official.

Todd Snider said it all:

All of my neighbors are all up in arms
About something they saw on TV.
Seems some politician got busted for something
That won't make any difference to me.
I'm sure it's all true, and I'm tired of this, too
But I can't pray for someone to fall.
Let all them people do what people do
I'm just happy to be here at all

I'm happy to be here to vote randomly
On who ought to take the next dive.
I'm eager to see what the downfall will be
And all the hilarity on Saturday Night Live.
You know, mostly it's all scandal TV these days.
That's where the real money must fall,
Down from the smog of some Hollywood haze
I'm just happy to be here at all.

I'm happy to be here
I'm happy to be
Happy