I ripped it open, grabbed my favorite pencil and sat down to fulfill my civic responsibility. I ended up more disappointed than Ralphie Parker finding his Orphan Annie Secret Code message was "Be sure to drink more Ovaltine."
I can't get past the first question.
The form came with a message from the Director of the US Census Bureau himself, dated March 15, 2010. That's today! He must have personally dropped it in my mailbox. Because it is urgent. His message, which he put in bold letters is, "Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form today."
Today! I had to hurry. I grabbed my pencil, ready to start writing answers, but wait, there were instructions: "Before you answer Question 1, count the people living in the house.." Oh, geez, I don't have this kind of time! The Director needs this back today. I looked around the room. I checked the bathroom and under the couch cushions. I found only two people. Wait, it says, "count all people, including babies". Damn it! I started over, but found no babies. Okay, ready for question 1.
1. How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment or mobile home on April 1, 2010?Stupid, stupid, stupid me! Why have I never watched "Lost!" or "Fast Forward?" or any of the current TV shows which might have given me insight into time travel? Long ago I saw every episode of "Time Tunnel" and "It's About Time", but I can't recall the details of the process. Where is Doc Brown when I need him? I could use his DeLorean right now; or at least some of his creme soda.
I have to fill this out and mail it today, I can't wait until April 1, 2010 comes around again to find out how many people were living here then. I'm going to say that the same two I see now were still here then.
2. Were there additional people staying here April 1, 2010 that you did not include in Question 1?Whoa, slow down! Time travel is tough enough, now I have to grasp the concept of children? Whew... and these "babies" they speak of. Since when are they people?
_ Children such as newborn babies or foster children.
Other people you might not have counted as "living or sleeping here most of the time":
_ Nonrelatives, such as roommates or live-in baby sittersSeriously? When is someone who lives here not someone who lives here? My brain started to throb ... on April 1, 2010.
Let's skip ahead a bit:
4. What is your telephone number? We may call if we don't understand an answer.Who the hell do I call? I don't understand one bit of th ...
April 1, 2010.
I get it now. Oh, Mr. Director, you had me going. Riley Girt's got nothing on you. I'll go home and wait for the real census form.
(US Senseless Survey name and image belong to Kevin Wolfe and Riley Girt)