Saturday, April 3, 2010

In Which Pooh Gets Contact Lenses and Then Goes Out On a Blustery Day

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Bees and cheeses! This damned wind is blowing dust in my eyes. I’m blind, Piglet!”
“Ouch! Jesus H. Christopher Robin, Piglet, what just hit me in the head?”
“Ooh, Pooh, the wind is blowing dead branches out of the trees. We will have loads of lovely Pooh sticks to play with on the bridge.”
“Blast the bridge games, you pygmy pork product! I beg you, take one of those Pooh sticks and gouge my eyes out.”
“Holy crap, what just happened to me?”
“You fell in our heffalump trap, Pooh. I’ll get Christopher Robin.”
“No, just leave me here a while, Piglet. The wind can’t get me down here. And there’s still some honey in the pots. It’s so much nicer in here, I have composed a hum:

The more it blows
Tiddly ₤#@&
The more it goes
Tiddly ₤#@&
The more it goes
Tiddly ₤#@&
On gusting

And so I cry
Tiddly ₤#@&
And gouge my eye
Tiddly ₤#@&
And think I’ll die
Tiddly ₤#@&
From dusting.”

"Yes, Pooh?"
"I apologize for the 'pygmy pork product' remark."
"it's okay, Pooh."


Today I mowed the lawn for the first time this season.
Last fall, we had all our huge trees serviced – pest preventative applied, roots fertilized and dead branches thinned out. It seemed reasonable to me that I shouldn’t need a hard hat to protect me from the flying timber as I pushed the mower around blindly because the intense gusts of wind were throwing gravel up under my contacts.

But I did.

I told my wife about it and she had a totally uncalled for response.
“So, did you wear your hard hat?”
“No. My hard hat is in my office at work where it is more convenient when I need to not wear it on the job site tours I don’t go on.”
“Did you at least wear those big sun glasses you got to protect your eyes when you’re whacking weeds?”
“Do you remember Bill Cosby’s routine about the giant chicken heart that ate Manhattan?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“What happened at the end of it.”
“The radio narrator says, ‘The chicken heart is out side your door!’.”
“Right, going ‘BOOMP, BOOMP. BOOMP, BOOMP’.”
“Yeah, and young Bill smears Jello on the floor and lights the sofa on fire.”
“Because monsters won’t come near smoking fire and Jello.”
“And Bills father comes in and says, ‘What’s going on?”
“And Bill says, ‘Gotta stop the BOOMP, BOOMP. BOOMP, BOOMP.’”
“So Bill’s dad turns off the radio.”
“And young Bill says …?” I prompt
“He says ‘I never thought of that.’”

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