Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Game Is a Foot

Perhaps Sherlock Holmes is needed for this one. Or maybe these guys:
This is the city:Vancouver, British Columbia, Canadia. Vancouver is down by the bay, where some dare not go. You never know what you might see: a whale, with a polka dot tail; a bear, combing his hair. I’ve seen it all. My name is Friday, I carry a badge.
Eight a.m. Wednesday morning: I was working the day watch out of foot patrol for the Royal Canadian Dismounted Police. My partner, Bill Gannon walked in with something in his hand.
"They found another foot."
“Looks like a shoe.”
“There’s a foot inside.”
“Pause.”
“I am holding still.”
“Not ‘pause’, ‘paws.’ They’re finding paws in the water.”
“The other ones were human feet. This one is an animal foot.”
“Not a bear foot.”
“No. Not big enough for a bear.”
“Not ‘bear’, ‘bare’. Not a bare foot. It had a shoe.”
“I see. Any ideas who might have done it?”
“Look for someone who recently acquired a few inches.”
“How’s that?”
“Someone about whom it might be said, ‘Give him an inch, he’ll take a foot.”
“I get it.”
“What do the Mounties say?”
“Let’s find out.”
Eight fifteen, Wednesday morning. We were in the office of RCMP spokeswoman Annie Linteau: "In the first four cases, we did not find any evidence the feet were severed."
“You found four feet?’
“Yes”
“No body.”
Somebody found them.”
“I mean you found no bodies in the water with the feet.”
“No.”
“And they weren’t severed?”
“Didn’t appear to be.”
“Just detached, ma’am?”
“Yes”
“Then you know who I’d look for?”
“Who?”.
“Someone footloose and fancy free.
Eight thirty, Wednesday morning. My partner and I were back in our office. He had a theory.
“I suspect that the feet are from victims of Snidely Whiplash: people he had tied to a train track or a log in the sawmill. Got their feet cut off.
“Maybe. But I know one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Those Royal Canadian Mounted Police always get their man.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Now they are just doing it one piece at a time.”
The story you have just heard is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent soles.

Severed foot = toes overfed

2 comments:

Jenny said...

Yes, I read this and was shocked that they did not care to comment on whether or not this is foul play. I'll bet it's 99% foul!

Bill Brohaugh said...

Wow, talk about a veering comment, but here comes a veer. Thanks for the link to the John Prine song. I'm compiling a list of songs that begin with some variation of "woke up this morning," because apparently that's the most musical part of the day (part of this notational breakfast!). "Woke up with a wine glass in my hand" (Frampton), "Woke up, got out of bed" (Beatles, of course, and not the beginning of the song, but the start of the first major musical shift), "You woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun" (theme from The Sopranos), etc.