Monday, June 16, 2008

Java Jive

I like coffee. I also crave the patina of coolness that comes from hanging at Starbucks, wifi-ing your way to work and grooving to a fresh CD of some aged jazz legend dueting with rappers and pop stars. But I have a problem at Starbucks. It's not that I don't speak Fritalian or that I can't afford the overpriced lattechinomochalous; it's that I like coffee. Black coffee. I don't even ask them to leave room for soy milk or a shot of maple syrup or a stuffed bear. Going to Starbucks and getting just black coffee, though, is like going to Dunkin Donuts and buying a donut; it's embarrassing, as if you can't think of something more creative and hip.
I just want coffee to wake me up and start my day. But this morning I saw this story. Instead of waking up and smelling the coffee, all I have to do is smell the coffee to wake up. In the same way as you get cancer from second-hand smoke.
So this morning my friend comes and asks if I want some Starbucks. I go with him and just wait while he orders. "You don't want anything?" "No," I say,"you know I don't like to just get black coffee here."
"But that's what I'm getting -- c'mon, we can be freaks together."
"Can I just smell yours?" I ask.
"I just want to smell it." I take his coffee and pop the lid and stick my nose down practically touching the liquid as I inhale the aroma. "I read that this is just as good as actually drinking it. The smell wakes you up."
"So, you wannna give me 2 bucks for your share of the coffee?"
"What? I only smelled it."
"If you're getting a contact high off my coffee, you ought to pay for it."
I thought about it for a bit. I did feel bad, as though I'd just taken some fable he wrote and used it in my blog as my own material.
"Okay, I owe you. Here's two bucks." I took two bills out of my wallet and snapped them a couple times. Then I pocketed them.
"What was that?"
"I took the aroma of your coffee - and bought it with the sound of my money. Here's your tip," I said as I bounced a quarter off the table and back into my hand.

coffee aroma = fear moo face


Susan said...

Now for your $2 you can order a Grande Pike's Place. Nice rich coffee and you'll be cool because it is the newest offering. I've switched to it instead of the Americano I usually get because it is just as strong and it's cheaper. Try it you'll like it.

JohnnyB said...

But I can just smell it for free! Also, note that I have updated: I had forgotten to link to the fable that my payment method came from.

Bill Brohaugh said...

In this vein, this is one of my favorite Denis Leary rants, from Lock and Load.

Jenny said...

This is a great blog!!

JohnnyB said...

Thank you, Jenny!

Anonymous said...

Loved it! Of course I thought you were a *lot* more clever before I read the Ooka story!


Kitty Girl said...

This is great! I now have a new blog to read to keep me laughing and from drowning my self in that cup of "the cheapest crap the office can afford" coffee everyday! I hope the boss doesn't read this otherwise we all will just be sniffing his $5 a cup coffee concoction!

JohnnyB said...

Thank you, Kitty Girl, I'm glad you enjoyed it. The coffee aroma is always free here.