Here's the annual family photo - after we took it, I noticed my pants were missing again, but this is the only one where we all were smiling and had our eyes open, so we used it.
I was going to write the annual holiday letter about the family to go with the picture but the bad news got me so down I just quit. I was so upset, I started drinking the dregs in the bottom of the beer, wine and Enfamil bottles lying around and then I forgot what I was doing.
I mean, the year started off with Ohio State getting blown out in a championship football game AGAIN and mostly went downhill from there, so why write the letter?
There was a bright spot when one of our youngest, little Barack, won the election thing. And I am tired of the rumors about him not being part of our family; he was born right here in the US of A, western annex of Hawaii. And our girl from Alaska stopped getting pregnant long enough to run for Vice President; she just had little Bristles take over the baby making chores. It's interesting that three of the four President/VP candidates were from the last three states admitted to the union, even though John McCain was born exactly 50 years before Arizona became a state in 1912. And three of the candidates' states make nice little puns: "Hawaii?" "I'm fine, thank you. Hey, what did Delaware today?" "I don't know, Alaska." If somebody can give me an Arizona pun, I'd appreciate it.
Anyway, the great news for the year was about our Barack, a half African person, being elected and proving that we are half over our racist past. And it also means that, HALLELUJAH, George Bush is out of a job. Sadly, many others are too. Uncle Billy lost the money he was supposed to deposit in the bank. He had a big wad of about a trillion dollars wrapped in a newspaper and now can't remember where he put it. If you see it, let us know. By the way, Uncle Billy still got his $40 million dollar bonus this year despite his mistake - and why not? It could have happened to anybody. Then our big three uncles in Detroit put on a production of "Dude, Where's My Car Company" which flopped, but the 3 Producers made millions by overselling shares in the production. Thankfully, nobody's going to jail - car makers or bankers. I mean, if the war criminals in the administration get a pass, how can we lock up mere financial scam artists? Prison and torture is for foreigners we don't like or understand, regardless of whether they committed a crime.
So now we're in a depression and I'm loading up the truck and leaving the farm to move the family to California, where we hope to make a new life, selling apples on the street or working in the fields for cruel bosses who beat us if we ask for fair wages and benefits.
We hope your family had a good year. Let's all get together soon. Hopefully I'll get around to writing the annual letter before then.