Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Too Much To Figure Out

The story you are about to read is true. Only the facts have been changed.

I don’t even write this blog. Well, I do, but do you know who “I” am? No. I might not be real.

When you meet someone, you don’t even know if you met them. Fake hair, fake hair color, fake boobs, fake Rolex, false teeth, false smile, faux fur.

Anything you think is real could be fake. Funny “Fail” picture on fail.com? Probably Photoshopped. Funny quote on “Overheard in New York”? Probably made up. Funny Cake on “Cake Wrecks”? Probably cooked up by some faker. Why do I pretend to care? Because it is not as funny if you are trying to figure out whether it’s fake.

And yet, some things are faked in order to make them funny. Reality is scary and we try to escape through humor. The real news is dark humor, but fake news is satire and creativity. That’s why 75% of young people 18 – 35 get their news from the Daily Show, a “fake” news show. 75%. That’s what I’m told. By me.

Daily Show fake news doesn’t bother me because The Daily Show bills itself as fake news. Fox News, CNN, MSNBC are billed as legitimate but they create fake real news. They intentionally distort facts to tell the story they want to tell. They make totally unfounded statements just to stir things up.

I don’t really believe anything anymore, except when it comes to politicians, in which case I don’t believe anyone anymore.

It used to be harder to fake things. To convince their moms they were sick, some of my friends had to chew up oatmeal cookies and spit them in the toilet to simulate vomit. I’m not saying I did that, just making the point the fakery wasn’t always so easy as just getting the Apple Swine Flu app and downloading it.

The government spent millions putting together the whole Moon landing hoax. Now, with Windows 7, you can create a Moon landing on your computer and upload it to Youtube. The fact is that nearly half of virtually everything on Youtube is literally fake.

To make this blog seem more interesting to me I created some readers, like “Cali”, the girl who supposedly comments here from time to time. This will be a great disappointment to her family, especially her husband, but Cali does not exist and is totally Photoshopped into the comments. All my commenters are fake, except for Anonymous, who is merely insincere.

My point is that I don’t believe I like Michael Moore. Michael Moore found a market for a film about how the free market system is screwed up and Mr. Moore is profiting from it because that’s how capitalism works. I believe everything in “Capitalism, A Love Story” is true in the same way I believed everything in “Borat”. Unless I’m lying just to stir things up.


Cali said...

Yes I am totally fake, a mere figment of your imagination... mwahahaha!

JohnnyB said...

Don't pretend to be evil. I imagined you as a nice figment.