The Rapture of Indian Summer

Disappearing rain forests and melting ice caps be damned! I am enjoying the climate changes in Cincinnati. We had two warm, sunny autumn weekends in a row. That doesn’t sound like much to you but, in Cincinnati, that miracle is like unto finding a chocolate chunk shaped like Jesus in your Graeter’s mocha chip ice cream.

We’re here in the middle of the country, so the coming floods, famine and pestilence that are soon to destroy the coasts will likely take years longer to get here, just like fashion trends. So we did not concern ourselves with global climate upheaval this past lovely weekend: I wore shorts and my “Ohio State Dad” t-shirt to rake the leaves and we enjoyed lunch on the sidewalk table outside the European Café, basking in the emissions from passing cars.

They call this Indian Summer, which I am sure is some kind of insult, like “Indian giver.” This web page tells how the term Indian Summer traveled to the UK where “Indian” was mistakenly thought to refer to people from India as opposed to those from America, who were themselves mistaken for people from India when misguided Europeans stumbled onto our shores. An irony wrapped in ignorance inside of xenophobia.

Speaking of Indians, “A nearly two-decade legal challenge by Native American activists to the nickname of the Washington Redskins came to a close Monday when the Supreme Court declined to review the group's last loss in federal courts.” You might think the tribes would also challenge the name “Native Americans”, seeing as they were natives before this was America. You might also think that giving up a racist sports team name would be a fair trade for the natives not bringing the genocide thing to trial – an even better trade than the Manhattan deal – but you would be wrong.

Football is important to our culture and economy. A team name, mascot and logo is big business and the Washington team has deeply invested in theirs, giving “Redskins” a tremendous intangible value. You can’t overturn a corporation’s right to profits just because somebody's feelings are hurt. Sticks and stones and all that.

Football is this important: “The University of Cincinnati plans to borrow $9.7 million to start construction on several athletic practice fields on its main campus. To be completed by fall 2010, the fields are a critical factor in UC’s strategy to retain football coach Brian Kelly.” On top of the millions they pay the coach of a COLLEGE team, they are borrowing millions in an uncertain economy in order to entice the coach to honor his contract. The thing is, they will get it all back in sales of tickets, team merchandise and TV rights because we love our football (that includes me) We’re also going to get a big fancy casino in Cincinnati. Despite the financial and other crises in our country, we are all about the bread and circuses here, particularly if the bread is a bun wrapped around a hot dog and smothered in chili and cheese.

Football is this important: A letter to the editor of the Cincinnati Enquirer says, “Notre Damers, quit picking on coach Charlie Weis. There is nothing he can do because it’s out of his hands. God has intervened and is repaying Notre Dame for bestowing an honorary degree on pro-abortion President Obama.” Charlie O’Leary’s god is a vengeful god. Also a little meshugah. Wouldn’t it have been easier to stop the university from bestowing the degree rather than to engineer a last minute touchdown for Michigan? I mean, have you seen how bad Michigan is this year? Getting some of these lousy teams to beat Notre Dame is a tough job for God. But punishing the football team may be the only thing the people of South Bend will understand.

Besides, much of the evil we see, the honorary degrees to Barack Obeetlejuice and Indians challenging corporate greed, is the work of Satan. Satan is among us and we may be soon to see the final showdown between Devil and God. I wonder if we could book it in our new college football stadium? Football is our religion, after all (college football being generally played on God's first Sabbath).

Yes, we are seeing global climate disaster, wars and rumors of wars and other signs of the apocalypse (Bengals sweep Steelers; UC Football in top 5). But while the world goes to Hell around us, my wife and I will sit on the sidewalk in front of the European Café and enjoy out gyros and souvlaki, thankfully relieved of the polluting traffic as all the righteous people of Cincinnati will have been taken to Heaven in the Rapture.