Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Devil Went Down to Haiti

Some people think Pat Robertson is crazy. But he seemed fine when I saw him today. We had breakfast at Mom's Country Cholesterol and Vegan Home Style Diner. Over some roasted red pepper hummus and chorizo omelet’s, I was up in his face about this statement he made:
“And you know Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, uh you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True Story. And so the Devil said ‘OK, it's a deal.’ And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other.”
How would you even know about this pact with the devil?

And Pat was all like, "Now, JohnnyB, did you listen to the broadcast? I said, 'True story.' And I don’t lie; that’s a sin. I was just playing pool with Satan yesterday... "

I was like, "Wait. What? You were playing pool with the devil?"

"Sure, it's like the police and bad guys in the movies. We have some professional respect for each other. Off-duty, we hang out a little. The next day, when I clock in, I’ll do everything I can to shut down his operation – you know, collect money from true believers, hire someone to improve the graphics on ‘700 Club’ broadcasts, and whatever.

“Anyway, we were playing pool and the news comes on about Haiti and, right in the middle of lining up a shot, he stands up and starts watching the TV. He cocked his head toward the TV, looked at me and said, ‘Dude! Nice work, eh?’

“I responded, ‘Oh, no! You did that?’ and he told me about the deal, and I rebuked him, saying, ‘I am going to have to bring you in for this one.’

"And he replied ‘No way. Statute of limitations, man. They made the deal over 200 years ago.’

“So there is nothing I can do except pray for the people of Haiti.”

Really, I said to Pat, but it’s so harsh that the people in Haiti 200 years later are cursed this way. They had nothing to do with the deal.

“Oh, my, you are mistaken about that, JohnnyB,” Pat insisted, “those are the same people. True story. Everlasting life on Earth was another part of deal.”

Everlasting, I shrugged, subject to earthquake, hurricane and such.

"Tsk, tsk, no, those are God’s punishments for the Haitians making the deal with Satan. Just as God punished the homosexuals and liberals in New York with 9/11. Just as God punished the sinful people of New Orleans with a hurricane (with unfortunate collateral damage to cities and states in the general vicinity). Kanye West’s opinion’s of George Bush aside, it’s God who hates black people and gays.”

We finished up and I dropped a tip on the table. Pat picked it up and said, “God has told me that our waitress is a very slutty girl. She kissed some other girl at a college party. As punishment, she is cursed to go tipless. I will use this money in my work.”

Yeah, Pat was totally on his game this morning.

Pat's statement and his possible mental illness are not really funny. The disaster in Haiti is not a joke either, it's a horrible tragedy. Please pray for the people of Haiti but also consider donating to Doctors Without Borders, the Red Cross or other organizations trying to actually help the people of Haiti.


JohnnyB said...

It just occurred to me that like The Narrator and Tyler Durden in Fight Club, Pat Robertson might be the Devil's alter ego.

Anonymous said...

He knows all about Haiti but thinks it was Napoleon III?