Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I'm Level 5 Pisstified!

“F the offseason, this is some bull droppings, i am supposed to be in meetings right now, im level 5 pissed=finding out side girl is pregnant.” The Cincinnati Bengals lost their playoff game Saturday and are thus in the offseason earlier than intended. Still, they had to go to team meetings yesterday. Their great wide receiver and only source of entertainment lately. Chad Ochocinco, FB posted and tweeted about how this made him feel.

Obviously Chad was pissd off to level 5 and giving an example of what level 5 is that everyone can relate to: your side girl is with child, and, presumably, it’s yours. But, it seems that a few of his fans/followers misunderstood. Shortly thereafter Chad had to explain, “Being level 5 pissed is like finding out your girl is cheating with your best friend, people yall dont understand my pisstivities yet! 1-5.”

I guess not everyone got that because a few minutes later Chad had to add, “some folks are so slow thinking someone is pregnant, geesh im using examples to show my level of pisstivity!!!!! “. So offseason team meetings = side girl pregnant = your girl is cheating with your best friend = people are slow to understand your post/tweets!!!!!! The only thing that remains is to clear up whether the hypothetical side girl is hypothetically pregnant from you or the hypothetical best friend – I mean, are those two different pisstivity levels?

I am curious because this pisstivity scale has is a very practical tool for letting people know how upset you are about something. However, I need to develop my own personal pisstivity level definitions. I am about as likely to have a side girl as I am to be an NFL team member at a post-season meeting. I think being the latter would increase my chances of having the former but I’m really not looking to have a side girl because it would push my wife’s pisstivity off the scale, pregnant or not.

My levels of pisstivity, 1-5, with one being the lowest, would go like this:

Level 1 – I packed a lunch for work and left it at home. This is not so bad, because I can just go out for lunch and bring that packed lunch the next day. But I’d be more pissticated if my wife ate the packed lunch.

Level 2 - Someone used last of TP in stall in restroom at work and did not get a new roll out of supply closet. At some point this probably would have been level 3. However, I’ve learned to check the rolls every time I go in now so my connection with the pisstication is farther removed and thus mitigated. Maybe I need a new level 2.

Level 3 - Someone in left lane going same speed as person to the right and refuses to allow others to pass. This is a former level 5 that I have learned to cope with and calm myself down.

Level 4 - Computer glitch loses 1 or more hours of work. At this level, there’s plenty of pisstivity to go around. I’m pisstified at Bill Gates, I’m pisstified at the computer manufacturer, I’m pisstified at out IT guy even if it’s my home computer, and I’m pisstified at my wife for no specific or good reason at all.
Invariably, whenever a computer glitch does lose all my work, some one will say, “Well, you have only yourself to blame, you should have saved your work as you went along.” And, THAT, my friends and followers is my Level 5 of pisstivity.

If your dog gets run over, I’m not going to go up to you and say, “Well, you shouldn’t have let him run into the street.” No, I’m going to try and comfort you. When I lose all my work, confronting me with my own failure does not correct the situation, it only ratchets up the pisstivity. You need to soothe me and point out the ways that Bill Gates, the manufacturer, the It department and my wife are responsible for this tragedy.

By the way, today Chad came out with a new one: “My level of pisstification has exceeded my 5 levels of pisstivity at this point which I've now chosen to call my anger NUKE mad<-COD.” I’m working on identifying what would put me at that level.

And, oh god, please Chad, don't be pisstified at me for writing this.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You really need to consult a dictionary before you use a word incorrectly. THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS PISSTIFIED!!! You are confusing your 'non word' with the published adjective, 'PISSTIFICATION'.

PISS.TI'FI.CATION: adj. The act of simultaneously being "Pissed Off" about something AND not showing it because, well, you're trying to be "All swave and sophistocated and shit".

EXAMPLE: The 'Pisstification' of Secretary of State H. Clinton towards Former President Bill Clinton (for upstaging her) was muted, but apparent to all in attendance.