Sunday, February 28, 2010

It's Obamatime

President Barack Obama today issued an emphatic challenge to the NFL’s plan to change overtime rules for playoffs, causing a firestorm of outrage from Republican leaders.

At a press conference called to discuss the recent Health Care Summit, a reporter from ESPN asked the President his opinion of the proposed overtime rules. Obama replied, “It seems like a good idea. As a fan, ah, I’d like to see a .. simple system .. for all .. overtime games. Something similar to the, uh, college system … where each team gets, uh, an equal chance .. to score, regardless of whether .. it’s a, ah, touchdown or .. field goal.”

Reporters then peppered the President with questions about whether he planned to have the federal government step in and direct the NFL to enact a more sweeping change of the rules. Obama tried to evade the inquiries by attempting to steer the discussing to others topics, such as healthcare, but the media insisted on sticking to the overtime issue.

Following the press conference, Republicans were quick to attack the President’s NFL overtime proposals. Senate Republican Leader, Mitch McConnell (R, KY), remarked that “Mr. Obama’s plans to overturn the overtime system are an affront to American sports and hard-working American fans. The free market system has given America the finest professional sports in the world. There’s no need to change it.”

House Minority Leader, John Boehner (R, OH) had a slightly different take on the controversy, but was no less opposed to Obama’s proposal. Appearing before the media on the steps of Congress, brandishing a ream of copy paper, Representative Boehner asserted that “the administration’s plan would require this much paper to explain to the new overtime rules to the average American. The ‘Obamatime’ system will increase NFL ticket prices putting the game beyond the reach of hard-working Christian Americans.”

The National Tea Party held another Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) to exploit the rancor being generated by Republicans. Ron Paul addressed the conference, arguing that, “We do not need new overtime rules in the NFL; in fact, we do not need rules at all. Teams should be free to play as long as they like, unimpeded by government regulations. Restrictions against holding, grabbing facemasks, spearing and end zone celebrations are also unconstitutional and must be eliminated.”

Sarah Palin got the biggest response from the CPAC crowd when she asked “How does Mr. Oba-maaaa, have the gumption to tell the NFL how to run the game? His origins are in Af-ricaaaa, where they don’t speak American, let alone understand American sports like football and hockey. Obama grew up in Ha-waiiii, far removed from the professional sports. He went to some elitist college, so naturally he wants to impose those rules on us. Socialist Obamatime college rules are too convoluted for regular, hard-working, white, Christian Americans like you and me. You know what else, his kids play soccer which is football in European

Senator John McCain (R, AZ), who lost to Obama in the most recent Presidential election, said, “For the President to interfere in the most sacred of American institutions is an outrage. It’s an outrage. I did not spend years being tortured in a Viet Nam prison so that we could have Obamatime rules destroy our national treasure, the NFl.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D, NV) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D, CA) met with fellow Congressional Democrats to try and work out a compromise overtime proposal. “Maybe the President went a little too far,” mumbled a contrite Reid. “We’re open to the idea of removing the equal opportunity option from the overtime plan.” Pelosi, obviously nauseated by Reid’s whimpering manner, chimed in, “We feel an appropriate solution is to have a coin flip determine which team gets the ball in overtimes. Then the first team to score wins. We call it ‘Sudden decision.’”

Republicans are reportedly meeting to come up with negative adjectives to describe the “Sudden Decision” plan. At last report, the leading invective was “Democrats wouldn’t know a decision if it bit them in the ass,” which resonated with voters of both parties.

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西雅圖 said...
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