It's Not Easy Finding Green

I’m Chiquita Banana, and I’ve come to say
If you want a green banana, you’re SOL today
Artificially ripened to a golden hue
Already they are mush before they get to you

This s#!t is bananas
B A N A N A S

I don’t want to eat green bananas but I also don’t want to eat the sickeningly sweet, overripe ones that make me gag like that girl in Fast Times at Ridgemont High practicing her technique.

Bananas are a convenient food to take to work for a mid-morning snack. They are easy to eat and healthier than toaster strudel, even though that has 100% real fruit.

What we would do is buy a couple green ones and a couple almost yellow ones. They ripen on their own quite nicely and you can have one just at the peak of ripeness every day.


Now I go to Kroger and all the bananas are fully yellow, starting to turn brown, which, contrary to Ms. Banana’s lyrics, is way past acceptable firmness. They must have determined that more people buy them that way, though, so they artificially bring them to that level before stocking the shelves.

It’s just not natural. I don’t want my banana artificially ripened and I wouldn’t like it if Chiquita had artificially ripened melons either. I like it the way nature intended it.

I guess I will have to go back to enjoying Pop Tarts, which, by the way, I enjoy raw.