Friday, August 1, 2008

One Pill Makes You Evil

Yesterday I saw this story on MSNBC and I thought that….

BUCKLES: This is Dan Buckles in New York, interrupting this blog for an important news bullet…..(TURNS PAGE)….in.
A Bush administration proposal aimed at protecting health-care workers who object to certain birth-control methods has escalated into a bitter debate.
The Department of Health and Human Services is reviewing a draft regulation that would deny federal funding to any hospital, clinic, health plan or other entity that does not accommodate employees who want to opt out of participating in care that runs counter to their personal convictions, including providing birth-control pills, IUDs and the Plan B emergency contraceptive.
But the draft proposal has sparked intense controversy.
For more on this story we go to Portia Lynn Commode, standing by, live, somewhere in New Jersey. Portia.

PORTIA: Dan. This is Portia Lynn Commode reporting live from somewhere in New Jersey. The controversy over health care workers wanting protection from having to deal with legal products in the industry they chose to work in has spilled over into other professions as well. Here at Satriales Pork Store, Jewish workers object to being asked to process, package and sell pork products for consumption. Nat Feldman had this to say:

FELDMAN: Pork is trefe. Jewish people have a moral objection to the eating of pork and we don’t want to promote it. When we refuse to do this, our employer threatens to fire us. We need the government to protect our jobs here at Satriales Pork Store. Now, excuse me, I want to get back to my lunch. My cheeseburger is getting cold.

PORTIA: There you have it, Dan, another case of people facing discrimination because of their beliefs or being coerced into delivering services they find repugnant.

BUCKLES: Thank you, Portia Lynn Commode. This just handed to me, a cold refreshing beer. Mmmmm. Oh, this also just handed to me. It seems there is a disturbance in a seedy neighborhood in Washington D……um….(SHUFFLES PAPERS)…C. For more on this, we go to Portia Lynn Commode, standing by, LIVE, somewhere inside a Hustler Sex Store. Portia.

PORTIA: Dan. This is Portia Lynn Commode, reporting live from somewhere in side a Hustler Sex Store in Washington D.C. Workers here are asking the Federal government to protect them from being forced to sell pornographic merchandise. Earlier I spoke to Brandy Champagne, inside some sort of performance room here in the store.

BRANDY: Some of us who work here at Hustler find pornography to be morally unacceptable. It not only exploits women, it leads to violent sex crimes. And it’s just naughty! I have refused to perform and I need the Federal government to protect me from being discriminated against here.

PORTIA: Dan, there seems to be a disturbance here between the manager and a customer. Excuse me sir…. Are you Senator Seymour Bussam?

SENATOR: Uh, no, no, I just look like him. Yes, that’s it, I hear that all the time. Little lady, are you an, um, employee, here?

PORTIA: No, Senator, I’m a reporter, doing a story, LIVE, about the workers refusing to be coerced into doing their chosen jobs.

SENATOR: It’s like an epidemic, isn’t it? I was just at the Turn the Page Senate Bar and Grill and a bartender refused to serve me because he said he finds alcohol consumption to be morally reprehensible. As a Senator, I mean if I was a Senator, I would put a stop to this Federal protection crap right now. In fact, since I can’t get what I want here, I may just go back to Congress and do tha--- ask my representatives to do that.

PORTIA: There you have it, Dan. Continuing controversy over A Bush administration proposal aimed at protecting health-care workers who object to certain birth-control methods, spilling over to professions across the spectrum in a story we call, “Take this job and rise above it.” Back to you, Dan.

BUCKLES: Thank you Portia, for that enlightening story. This is Dan Buckles in New ……um….(SHUFFLES PAPERS)…York. When news breaks out, we break up. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

(Dan Buckles is a Gary Burbank owned and operated character and the news premise is Burbank's also. Portia Lynn Commode appeared on his show as well, but she belongs to me.)

I find them morally objectionable but go to and vote for my entries.


Dukie said...


Very nice, I can see it coming over the old thermo fax machine headed with a Gilman Knitwear title.

Hope all is well!! Just stumbled upon your blog quite randomly and look forward to reading thru it!

I'll be in touch, so you be in touch, and touching will ensue.

(the artist formerly known as Duke)

JohnnyB said...

How awesome to hear from you. I look forward to touching. I hope things are going great for you.

JohnnyB said...

By the way, Duke, check out Brohaugh's pedantic language stuff blog at

Bill Brohaugh said...

To clarify:

1) It's little known that Duke is the brother of one of the primary members of The Kinks.

2) Portia Lynn at some point stopped sharing credit for the silly pun titles, and began saying, "That's the end of the story I'd like to call . . ." But she never called it that. She just liked to call it that.

3) My blog is not pedantic. And to call it pedantic is itself pedantic. My blog is simply boring. (And doesn't "pedantic" mean "foot antics"?)

Schottzie03 said...

Bill, I hope it does not sound like I am bragging...

But I am not only the brother of Ray and Dave Davies, I also penned one of the rockinest Kinks songs of all time: 20th Century Man.

Despite only being 18 months old, I was still able to capture the angst of a working class young brit.

Again, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging.