Dear New Yorker

This was the cartoon:
When I entered my caption, my biggest concern was that it was so obvious that many people would have already submitted the same idea and I was too late. So this morning I checked to see who had gotten in first and was sure to be the winner.
The three captions you selected are:

"Free will is overrated."
"This was so much more awkward before Craigslist."
"This is why I suggested a threesome."

The third one has a nice, subtle reference to the difficulty of managing one's own puppet strings and the second one is a nice tribute to the recent murders of Craigslist prostitutes. The first one is weak allusion to the control aspect of the situation.

Do you remember which one is mine? Right, none of them. I wrote, "Please, dear, try to control yourself." I'm not going to try and explain how that works on a couple different levels. I leave it to you to ponder its New Yorker style perfection and to regret your choices. I know it is too late to reconsider and that you can't just pull a few strings and change the decision.

Judgement Day

CONTEST RESULTS - click here to see contest

When the Rapture, comes, the winners will ascend in "the twinkling of an eye". The decision is easy: the winners believe, the losers don't. The Day of Atonement, an annual event for my people, is more subjective. We have a little over a week to make a case for being written in the Big Book of Life. I have a greater appreciation of God's task during that week, as I judge who shall win the book "How to Profit From the Coming Rapture." Does God consider extending the time to let us atone? Does he wish that more people tried to get saved? I know I did.
But God and I have made commitments and as it is written, so shall it be done.
I was looking for (1) the best creative writing, (2) an amusing comment about the book and a (3) choice of Rapture companion on the all-expenses-paid trip to salvation and WHY. Cali's entry was a clear winner for creative writing the moment I read it. It not only is a creative poem, it is a perfect sales pitch for the book so it combined (1) and (2). (Cali - please email me your email address for HBG to contact you at - jbunyan @ gmail.com). Oh the irony of the entrant most likely to not be left behind winning this book. Cali, will this be left out on your coffee table?
Bill created a very nice parody, but could not beat Cali's. Nevertheless, I was most amused by his comment about his own work: "(Yeah, me loves a good Apocalypso tune . . .)" and his popular description of the 16 hooves of the Apocalypse: "Eight hoof, twelve hoof, horseman four!", so he wins best comment but also combined (2) and (1).
The choice for the final category was not so much about the who as it was the WHY. Therblig realized that if Bush/Rove could go, anyone could, even Therblig himself, and he stated it so poetically that he really qualified for (3) and (1). (Therblig I also need an email address for you).
Thanks for playing everybody!

This is the End - A NEW CONTEST GIVEAWAY

Click here for contest results
Three (count 'em) ways to win a copy of this book:
“How to Profit From The Coming Rapture” (“Getting Ahead When You’re left Behind”) by Steve and Evie Levy (I’m assuming that’s “lee-vee”) (as told to Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman) is “The investment guide the Antichrist doesn’t want you to read”. I imagine the Prochrist doesn’t really want you to either, but they had me at the title.
I am not going to ascend when the Rapture comes. I have been assured of this by experts (I am chosen, not saved). I have read “Rapture Ready” and learned that I am not. So I need this new book.
As explained on the back cover, “about 1.5 billion people will join (Jesus) in Heaven. Five billion of the rest of us…will still be here, with questions…Including…What real estate to unload when the sun turns black and the mountains start shifting.”
Inside the book is a “Rapture-Tribulation Timeline” followed by a careful, chronological explanation of what will be happening on Earth and how you can be prepared and make some bucks along the way.
For example, when the Third Temple is built, if you have stocked up on kippot, and tallit, you can set up a little concession stand or gift shop and make a nice profit.
Now, that’s actually getting ahead of the story. You need to read the book from the beginning to understand the progression of events and do all the necessary things, in the proper order, to make the most out of your opportunities prior to Armageddon. (Knock, knock. Who’s there? Armageddon. Armageddon who? Armageddon married in the morning. These types of jokes are just one reason I will not see you in Heaven)
Odds are that some of you don’t need the book because you are saved. I still think you will find it funny, imagining the rest of us trying to cash in on famine and pestilence while you are strumming harps and eating ambrosia. I don’t think you will be punished for reading it, like you would for reading, say, Harry Potter, which promotes witchcraft and for which royalties go to the Devil. This book does not encourage people to hang around for the Tribulation and hook up with the Antichrist ("you'll come for the hail of fire but stay for the river of blood!"); it is a survival book in the event you don’t get called up to the majors. (Caution: I am clearly not well stocked with grace or faith, so don’t take my word for any of this).
Anyway, how can you win a copy of this book?
1) You can write a short, creative item (song, haiku, couplet, whatever) about the End Times (e.g. “On the First Seal of End Times, the Rapture brought to me, the Antichrist and a blasphemy.”)
2) If you will or would just like to ascend during the Rapture, tell me what celebrity would you want to travel with and WHY (don’t forget the why). The celebrity must be alive as of the date and time of your comment but need not be saved or even morally upstanding.
3) Write some other amusing comment about the book, the Rapture, the End Times, a related topic or about this review.
That’s right – three books will be given away. The contest ends, Wednesday, Nov. 26 or when the Rapture begins, whichever comes first. Click on comments and begin.

Annoying Contest Results

(ORIGINALLY POSTED 11/12)
Thanks to everyone who entered this book contest - I enjoyed all the suggestions of new things I can get irritated by.
Let's all link to the contest now and read the last part, where the actual challenge is posed: "identify some modern thing that is truly annoying and write a brief description of why." Some of you may be annoyed to realize that you overlooked the last part of that. They are all fine things to rant about, but I was looking for the rant itself.
Susan's attack on punctuated but uncapitalized titles explained that the inconsistency makes it annoying. bill the annoyer amused me by explaining that "meta-annoyance is really annoying" which provided a solipismic "why" and he probably annoyed Susan by not capitalizing his name. Scarletvirago also stated why her annoyance was annoying in a humorous, self-reflective way.
Cali made me laugh by getting enraged because people "waste" a left turn availability and leave Cali stuck for another light cycle, and then she remarked that that road rage is annoying. A lot of meta-annoyance going on.
But no one was able to surpass my favorite entry that made me laugh the most even though it might have been unintentional. Jenny wrote, "Here's what's really annoying*: When someone leaves an asterisk without explaining below that it means."
That it means ...what? I am pretty sure she meant to write "..what it means." but the way she typed it made it perfectly illustrate the annoyance of being left hanging (along with the unexplained asterisk she included).
So Jenny is the winner. Jenny, I'll send the publisher your email and they can contact you for the address to send the book to.
Watch this space for another contest coming soon.

A Book Review and a Contest

ANNOYING UPDATE: The contest is over. Click here for results.

Well This Is Irritating
For some reason, I’ve been asked to review a book called “is it just me or is everything shit?” subtitled, “insanely annoying modern things,” by Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur with Brandon Hay.
I wouldn’t be irritated about being chosen to review a compilation of annoyances except that my sister once gave me a book called, “The Pocket Encyclopedia of Aggravation.” Am I so curmudgeonly that people think I am constantly jonesing for an annoyance fix? Or am I so laid back that people think I need a whole book of aggravating things to get me worked up to a mild lather?
“is it just me or is everything shit?” is an alphabetic list of those “insanely annoying modern things”. Some are longer pieces, such as “Xenu”, about what a scam Scientology is, or “Hitler, People Calling Each Other”, mainly about Bush calling people Hitler when perhaps he should be looking inward; these seem like a collection of essays the authors thought might go into some kind of book. Others are rather short such as “Toast, Overpriced”, which, in its entirety says, “There’s a lot of overpriced toast out there”, which are just there to fill out that book they wanted.
As you read it, you will recall Andy Rooney and “Didja ever notice….” Or Earl Pitts intoning, “You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so angry…” except this is a whole book instead of one short bit.
Putting a bunch of annoying items together invites the reviewer to find the book itself annoying. I mean, if you read it for a while, you start to pick up on their vibe and think, “You know what’s insanely annoying: essays on insanely annoying stuff!” The list does not include “Blogs” specifically but does include “Self Examination columns”: any kind of writing in which the author observes him or herself doing something and writes about it as if everyone shared that interest. Yet that is the basis of this book, “Hey, we thought of some stuff we find annoying and you should too.”
If you are going to be out some evening with friends and you need something to pontificate about with a sense of superiority, read a few of these items and them bring them up over drinks. “Hey, what’s up with this people calling each other Hitler? And why is toast so pricey?”
In the end, though, these guys have identified a bunch of contemporary shit that does need to be called out (James Blunt, Botox, Dubai, Energy Drinks, among others) and they write about them in a humorous way that will make readers say, “Yeah, that’s what I would have written, if I was literate!” But you are not and you did not, so buy this book.
Or win a copy from me. In the comments, identify some modern thing that is truly annoying and write a brief description of why. The winner, as determine by the annoying panel of judges (me), gets a free copy of the book. The contest ends, not Sunday, November 9, but when I say it does. Then I will post the winner, who will need to send a mailing address to the publisher. Only residents of the US or Canada are eligible to win. You might find that annoying.

I Write the Songs

This one was second place is the recent Washington Post Style Invitational (See "Report from week 785" after the description of the current contest)
(To the theme from "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Come and listen to my story 'bout John McCain,
Senate maverick barely floatin' his campaign.
He couldn't use a running mate with credibility,
So he went for youth and sex and selected Sarah P.
Palin, that is. Pit bull. Hockey mom.
Well, the bump in the polls was lookin' pretty big,
But was Palin pushin' change or puttin' lipstick on a pig?
They kept her under wraps, wouldn't let her on TV
Till she finally sat down to have a chat with Katie C.
Couric, that is. Gotcha girl. Media e-lite.
And now the voters are questioning the judgment of McCain
As Palin speaks in tongues that commentators can't explain.
And if those two thought it was as bad as it could be,
They don't have a clue to fix our e-conomy.
(Black Friday that is. It's a free fall. Market meltdown.
You vote Barack, now, y'hear? -
this last part was omitted in the results - for space reasons?)

"That One" was among the "honorable mentions"

Stylin' Update

I told you about the style invitational. Here is an "honorable mention" award winner from week 772 (Translate a sentence or two of literature or other good writing so that "Los Angeles residents under 40" can appreciate it.):

Charles Dickens:"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way -- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

John Bunyan, Cincinnati, a First Offender:"Times were good, the L.A. Times sucked, some people were over 40, some were stupid, there were Republicans, there were Democrats, it was sunny in the afternoon, but there was early-morning low clouds and fog, we thought the Dodgers could win, we knew they'd be out of the playoffs, we shopped Rodeo Drive, we had nothing to wear, we were hitting the waves, we were working -- so basically, it was pretty much like now, and the critics kept writing reviews, good ones and bad ones, with big words no one really uses that really just meant 'great' or 'lousy.' "

It was too long to fit in the short, print version of the column, so it had no chance of winning.

There is a new contest every week. Try it out.

Smart readers go to Humor-Blogs.com and vote for my entries.

Words Are In Style (and a contest?)

If you like words, your friends have undoubtedly received a certain email from several friends repeatedly over the years. It starts out with "Each year the Washington Post asks its readers to take a word from the English language and by adding, removing or changing only one letter create a new word..". Oddly enough, the same words win every year. (click here for the longest list I found.) The Washington Post does indeed have writing contests and undoubtedly had this one at some point, but they don't do it every year. People are better at creating emails and urban myths than at creating new words. The Post still has writing contests in their weekly "Style Invitational". The current contest asks you to "Translate a sentence or two of literature or other good writing so that "Los Angeles residents under 40" can appreciate it." You have to read the contest to see why they ask that. (You have to register to read the Wash. Post online, but it's free and easy).
I know the Bills (Brohaugh and my dad) and Susan (word whores all) will be right on this.
My first entry is already in, so I can reveal a bit of it here. I took "A Tale of Two Cities": It was the best of times, it was the worst of times . . . it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair . . ." becomes "Times were good, the LA Times sucked....we thought the Dodgers could win, we knew they'd be out of the playoffs".
When you are done entering that contest I have one for you here. I invite all 5 of my readers to take a word from the English language and by adding, removing or changing only one letter create a new word and define it. I would add a space to "contest" to make it "con test", an email or a blogger contest that you can't decide whether is real or fake. The winner of my contest gets a copy of Everything You Know About English Is Wrong.

Humor-Blogs.com are winners.