Of Course, Then "Big Radio" Would Demand a Bailout

Everyone has a suggestion for better ways that Congress and the Treasury could have spent financial or auto industry bailout money. Face it, most of the public’s ideas are just as lame as the government’s. “Pay off my mortgage.” “Buy me a car.” “Pay the pizza guy, would ya? And can I bum a cig?”
I do agree that the money should go to individual citizens, not big corporation capitalist pig dogs. But I don’t believe the schemes proposed in letters to the editors are any good; my mortgage is almost done, as are my car payments, and my pizza’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno. So your ideas don't help ME.
Suggestions that $700 billion be divided up among all of us are worthless. Even if you leave out overpaid, fat-cat, scumbag corporate CEOs, we’d each get only about two grand, which we would immediately spend on a tank of gas, a hooker, beer and some Slim Jims. The cool people would, anyway.
Instead, I propose that Congress directs the Treasury to fund a series of promotions on C-SPAN to distribute hundreds of billions to the general populous in ways such as these:

• Send your credit card bills to C-SPAN and, if you are watching when they call your name, they pay off all your cards

• Even better: “The Phrase That Pays.” Today it might be “misguided, liberal crapbag, waste of oxygen, mutant misanthrope”. When you hear that used in a speech before the House, be the 1,332nd caller to C-Span and win one million dollars.

• C-SPAN plays a 10 second clip from a Congressional speech and the first caller to correctly identify the Congressperson speaking wins $1 million.

• Or, C-SPAN DJs pick a “most ignorant testimony of the day” during hearings on steroid use in baseball or on bailing out the porn industry or something. The caller who can correctly identify the previous day’s most ignorant testimony, wins one million dollars.

Not only would my ideas boost the REAL economy, they would get people watching C-SPAN and we’d learn more about what goes on in Congress and we’d vote those f-ers out and get some smart people in there next time.
I called my Congressperson, Jean Schmidt, and told her my ideas. She said, “You sound like you are a loser, sad-clown, humor writer wannabee." I said, “So?” She hung up.
I don’t think my ideas are stupid. Giving hundreds of billions of dollars to failed business people and not even asking them how they spent the money…something like THAT would be stupid.

(By the way, “loser, sad-clown, humor writer wannabee” is today’s C-SPAN Phrase That Pays.)

Please list your own suggestions for C-SPAN promotions in the comments.