Monday, January 12, 2009

Santa Claus Is Coming To Court

Disassociated Press
January 12, 2009

Westchester County, New York - A lawsuit was filed today against Santa Claus on behalf of ten year old Morgan Deway. The Santa Claus suit seeks damages from Mr. Claus for pain and suffering resulting when Morgan discovered coal in his stocking which was allegedly placed there by Claus last month, on or about midnight, December 24.

The suit was filed by Morgan’s attorney, who is his mother, Carrie Deway, of the firm, Delight and Deway in Pencil Neck, New York. A copy of the court papers stolen exclusively by the Disassociated press, shows that the suit claims Morgan’s self-esteem was damaged beyond repair and his PJ’s were ruined by the coal dust. A spokeself for Santa has stated that the boy had violated a contract by "crying, pouting and shouting when it was clearly stipulated that had 'better not' do any of those things".

The Deways are also charging breach of contract, claiming Morgan did not receive the gifts he specifically requested both in writing and in a face-to-face meeting with Claus at the "Santa's Village" in Pencil Neck Point Mall.

Furthermore, Mrs. Deway has requested a restraining order requiring Santa to stay at least 100 yards from her son Morgan. The order charges that Santa has been stalking the Deway boy in an attempt to discern his proclivities toward naughtiness or niceness.

Reportedly, Claus has filed a counter suit charging that he has been harmed by Morgan Deway. Santa’s suit states that he has become obese by consuming fat laden cookies and egg-nog left out by Morgan Deway on Christmases Past. According to the lawsuit, also filed today, there was no warning label advising Santa that consuming the treats could lead to obesity, heart disease and damage to his sleigh due to exceeding the weight limit.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the nation, Republicans in the California legislature have submitted a bill that would deny Santa Claus the right to deliver toys in that state. The lawmakers said that Santa has been sneaking across the border for years with his toys, taking away delivery jobs that could go to US citizens and California taxpayers.

Democrats have answered that only illegal immigrant elves have been willing to do this delivery job which pays meager wages of snacks and cheap beverages. They have vowed not only to defeat the Republican bill, but to give Santa Claus free medical care and education for his reindeer in the public school system.


unfortunate names said...

i hope there are punitive damages.

JohnnyB said...

Unfortunate - "punitive damages" against Santa or me?