Tuesday, January 6, 2009

See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me

Gold Bond claims that their “Gold Bond Ultimate healing Skin Therapy Lotion” heals dry problem skin. When I heard their ad I immediately put that on my shopping list because I have dry problem skin on my right hand. Ha… and … ha; I hear what you are thinking. No, it’s because I prepare most of the meals around here and I clean up the pots and pans and kitchen counters afterwards. Do not be bringing your nasty thoughts into it.
The skin on one finger of my hand is particularly chapped and cracked – or it was. That lotion did actual heal the skin up, which other lotions never had.
It can’t be that Gold Bond’s healing lotion is so different from other lotions. I checked the ingredients on another brand my wife bought that never helped my skin. It contains, “Water, glycerin, dimethicone, petroleum, cetyl alcohol, stearyl alcohol, and so on, etc.” I looked at the Gold Bond Ultimate healing lotion. It contains, “Water, glycerin, dimethicone, petroleum, cetyl alcohol, stearyl alcohol, and so on, etc., Jesus, and trace amounts of other deities.” Ah ha! JESUS!
I figure the “other deities” are there for fragrance and color and it is the Jesus that causes healing. Sure enough, the other Gold Bond Ultimate lotion (softening) contains the trace amounts of deities but no Jesus.
But ingredients are always listed in descending order of quantity. Why is Jesus the next to last ingredient: why is there so little Jesus in the lotion? I figured if they increased the Jesus and cut the water, that lotion could go beyond dry skin and heal burn victims. With enough Jesus in the lotion, the blind could walk and the lame could see. But no – I realized (an epiphany)- for healing you need just a touch of Jesus.
Okay, I get that, but how do they have a product with Jesus AND water and NOT have the water turn into wine? It’s a FREAKIN’ SCIENTIFIC MIRACLE! That’s what it is.
Reading a little further, I noticed the advisories:
“WARNING: Keep out of reach of small children and atheists. If applying to a Jew, test lotion on an inconspicuous area first because it may cause burning and/or conversion.”
I don’t care-uh - and I am not worr-ied-uh.
I am throwing caution to the wind.
I am healing my blistered skin!
Brethren and sistern, I love this lotion
I testify to my devotion.
If you would like to get some of this miracle cream, send your love offering to the Little Blog Church of the White Creamy Gospel Truth.
Don’t make me holler, don’t make me shout.
Turn them pockets inside out.

Can I get an ame-lujah?

4 comments:

Reena said...

hi. just passing by...
that product will not sell in my country. for sure the church will condemn using jesus in any product and ads.

Susan said...

So did the Gold Bold really heal your hand or is that part of the humor?

JohnnyB said...

Reena - Thanks for stopping by. Hope you'll come back. Remember a lot of this stuff is only in my mind but God is everywhere - so he could be in the lotion.

Susan - yes it actually works!

Schottzie03 said...

Bring the fatted calf, and the udder balm, and make merry with both hands.