I Just Saved a Bunch of Time On My Car Insurance Commercials

I’m not the only one searching for a picture of Kim Clijsters’ husband, Brian Lynch. “Searches for ‘Kim Clijsters husband’ rank(ed) fourth on Google Trends” on Monday Morning.

I watched part of Clijsters’ win over Venus Williams yesterday and they showed Kim’s husband in the stands. He had longish, unkempt hair and a scraggly beard and mustache, which caused me to involuntarily say, “ So easy a caveman could do it.” That’s why I hate him.

Sporting events last at least 2 hours and seem to have no more than two sponsors, so you see the same commercials over and over, ad nauseum. The US Open is sponsored by Geico. Geico seems to have tired of their gecko mascot and they are sticking with the Hipster Cavemen, wrongly assumed to mentally primitive, and the Sesame Street reject character, Money Wad. I would rather spend two hours with an actual insurance salesman than watch these commercials. Geico, if you are reading this, I will never buy your products. Ever. Because of how you have defiled my sports watching experience.

I know I don’t have to watch the commercials. For one, I can leave the room. I tried getting up to get a beer every time Cavemen came on. Pretty soon I was alternating that with trips to the bathroom. By the end of a football game, I couldn’t even get up off the couch anymore and the drunken insults I shouted at Money Wad just angered my wife.

Speaking of football, ESPN college football seems to have only one sponsor, Drunk Driving Arrests, Inc.,who have had only one commercial for the past 17 years: “Over the Limit, Under Arrest”. The scenes of alcohol filled cars make me think I want to have another beer and when the booze flows out of the car I have the urge to go pee again.

The best solution to the commercial annoyance is to DVR the game and start watching an hour into it. You have to not answer the phone and shut off Facebook and twitter to prevent getting updates from friends or fan pages before you see the action on TV.

But it’s all worth it when you hit the fast forward button and watch blurred cavemen seemingly being drowned in beer flowing out of a truck as you whiz past all the commercials.

We Report, You Decide ... Not to Advertise

Promoters of white supremacy are dropping sponsorship of Glenn Beck because he called President Obama “a racist”.

Glenn Beck is a mentally challenged man, hired to host a talk show by Fox News as part of their ongoing effort to reach out to their fan base. Beck was on the Children’s Show, “Fox and Friends” when he made the remark about the President; however it caused 90% of his sponsors to drop their advertising from Beck’s own show.

I was surprised that one of the defecting sponsors is Clorox, who, ironically, always want everything to be whiter than white, effectively promoting white supremacy. (Glenn Beck, coincidentally, is one of the whitest men on television).

Having sponsors boycott a show is not a new phenomenon, and I assume it is a preemptive strike to avoid having people boycott their products in protest of Glenn Beck.

I have never gotten into boycotting specific advertisers because of the shows they sponsor. I just boycott all of them by recording shows and fast-forwarding through the commercials. Or I boycott by getting up to go to the bathroom. Or I watch the ad but effectively boycott the company by not understanding what the hell they are talking about or how it relates to the product they want to sell me, the name of which I never remember anyway.

Sponsors aside, what I really don’t understand is how these talk show hosts or town-hall-meeting-protesters get away with calling President Obama a racist or a Nazi.

I would think that any self-respecting Nazis would be offended by people associating our black President with their good name. Where is the backlash from Nazis, neo-Nazis, neo-con Nazis, etc. about this whole thing?

I would expect the real racists to be reacting in anger and calling into the Fox talk shows, railing against calling this compromise-loving, bi-partisanship-seeking, can't-we-all-get-along, black man a "racist".

Come to think of it, maybe those are the groups that the advertisers fear and the real reason they pulled their ads.

Wild Cherry, Wild Myths

In an attempt to reform my own personal care of my own personal health (before some government bureaucrat comes between me and myself) I have been using yogurt instead of doughnuts to stave off the 10 a.m. hunger attacks. I eat Yoplait fruit flavors, but I often get sick of the artificial sweetener taste – except when I eat the Very Cherry, with that “cherry” flavor that does not exist in nature: the cherry flavor that brings back the sticky, red sweetness of Smith Brothers cough drops.

Smith Brothers cough drops were an important part of the health care system we had when I was a child. It was a system firmly based in the free enterprise, capitalist economy. We knew that, if we got sick, Vicks, Smith Brothers, St. Joseph and others were there to restore our health without relying on the demonistic insurance industry or the socialistic government.

Now, as I understand it, what is being debated in Congress is not actually health care reform but reform of our system of access to health care. This is not limited to providing watered-down, government cough drops and vapo-rub to the millions uninsured. Republicans have also revealed that the Democrats plan would also introduce health care rationing (no. 6 under "coverage"), a restrictive element that does not exist under our current system of supply, demand and insurance funding.

A more disturbing change embedded in the current Democratic health care reform bill is the provision that requires old people to end their lives early (see fact # III) Again, this is troubling because that practice belongs in the free market, with tobacco and fast food companies, not with some communist government stooges.

These types of un-American policies are to be expected from a President unfamiliar with our culture because he was born in another country - Obama was born in Kenya, this I know, because the Birthers told me so. (see fact I) They have not yet produced a birth certificate to prove it, but I have faith that they will soon.

Getting back to Smith Brothers, these men played a little-known but important role in our economy beyond their selfless dedication to curing scratchy throats. In doing my research on them I found this website featuring one of their ads. The blogger here says, “The Smith Brothers have first names! I never knew that.” Of course they had first names, they were “Trade” and “Mark” as indicated on the packaging. This is the origin of the legally registered product names we now call “trademarks.” (Similarly an early edition of the Brothers Karamazov listing their first names, Copy and Right, on the cover led to the legal form of protection for written material.)

Coincidentally the first ad on that site is one imploring parents to protect their child’s right to keep and bear Daisy rifles. Sadly, 50 years later the Obama administration has taken away our BB guns, claiming we would put our eye out (see fact XII). Once more, the visible hand of socialism has smacked the invisible hand of capitalism and robbed us of freedoms in a way that, back in the 40s, happened only in isolated autocratic places in our country.

The third ad on that page is about Ronnie Morlock who, after being voted the most popular boy because of his shoes, disappeared from the face of the earth. I believe Ronnie became despondent when Thom McAn stopped making their shoes in America. Morlock undoubtedly moved to some other country like Canada where they still manufacture their own goods and they aren’t being ruined by government health care and gun control.

A long day of calling Rush Limbaugh to complain about these atrocities has made my throat raw. Oh, for a box of Smith Brother cherry flavored lozenges!

Hot Dogs in Hot Water Again

MORE LEGAL TROUBLES FOR TUBE STEAKS

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was arrested and booked on charges of violating advertising laws in Hawaii.

The story clears up a bit of a mystery for me, explaining that the Wienermobile is "a 'bus' in the shape of a hot dog on a bun". It goes on to say that the vehicle "visited Hawaii from June 28 to July 19". It is not clear how the Wienermobile got to Hawaii or if it was travelling alone or with a companion.

Police were tipped off to the heinous crime by a vigilante group who call themselves the "Outer Circle", another group hiding its real agenda with a misleading name, pretending to be all about exposing gays when they are actually attempting to beautify Hawaii by getting wieners out of the public eye. Turns out UPI may have gotten the group's name wrong A Hawaii news source refers to the group as the "Outdoor Circle", which is gay-friendlier but, still, what the heck does that mean?

Oscar Mayer might have gotten away with their advertising crime spree if they had not boasted about their activity: "Bob Loy of the Outer Circle said the company (Oscar Mayer) acknowledges the Wienermobiles promote the company's products." I think they should have claimed ignorance. "You know, officer, now that you mention it, it does look kind of like a hot dog. I have no idea how our name got on there, though."

"The activist admitted some buses and trucks in Hawaii may carry signs bigger than the Wienermobile. 'Unfortunately, those things aren't against the law, and this is,' he said." This seems like a clear case of product profiling to me.

"The Outer Circle has written Oscar Mayer asking it to voluntarily keep the bus out of Hawaii in the future." That's ridiculous. If they are driving from California to Japan, they have to go through Hawaii, right?

As American as Lawsuits, Jersey Crooks and Cancer-Causing Processed Meat Products

A vegan advocacy group wants a New Jersey court to order Oscar Mayer, Hebrew National and other food companies to slap a warning on hot dog packages which says that eating processed meats increases the risk of cancer.

I had a number of random thoughts about this story.

Hot dogs already carry a warning label. It’s the list of nutritional information. 1 hot dog (and no one eats just one) contains 150 calories, 120 from fat and 30% of your daily saturated fats. I think your arteries will explode before any cancer cells have a chance to start on your colon.

The story refers to a “vegan advocacy group.” What do vegan advocates want? Homeless advocates would like to reduce the number of homeless people. I have to assume vegan advocates want to reduce vegancy, and therefore should be promoting meat eating.

The vegan advocates go by the name “Cancer Project”, which seems to me like they are hiding their real agenda. That’s like the national beef council going by the name … um … “Cancer Project”. What are the vegans hiding? The names Oscar Mayer and Hebrew National so high on their hit list, perhaps they have anti-Semitic leanings.

Hebrew National has long claimed that they answer to a higher authority than the US government. That authority is Conagra Foods (current owners of the Hebrew National Brand) who give orders to the government.

The lawsuit is in New Jersey. The Feds just busted a bunch of people in New Jersey, politicians and rabbis who are charged with, among other things, illegal human organ-selling. I don’t want to think there is a connection between New Jersey, rabbis selling human organs and Hebrew National hot dogs.

America has a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. We have no national health care, but we have a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. Okay, they are a food industry lobby, not a government agency. But at least they have the decency to put what they’re about in their name.

The reporter got some valuable quotes from random hot dog advocates, like this: "Vegans complaining about hot dogs is like the Amish complaining about gas prices," said Susan Thatcher of Irvine, Calif. No, Susan, Vegans complaining about the price of hot dogs would be like the Amish complaining about the price of gas. Vegans complaining about hot dogs causing cancer would be like the Amish complaining about gas emissions from cars causing cancer.. Hmmmm.

Once the warning label lawsuit is won, this will be the new ad for Armour hot dogs:

Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs
Fat kids, sickly kids
Vegans have an answer:
Poor-ly - nourished kids
Kids with colo-rectal cancer
Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs
The dogs we warned about!

By the way, here's a scene from the next Seth Rogan, Katerine Heigl romantic comedy:

"Hey, would you be interested in a nice hot kosher weiner?" "Thanks, but I have a thing for pork."

That Makes a Lot of Cents

Kroger has a commercial out now about how, if you buy their milk, you can get ten cents off per gallon when you buy their gas. The woman in the commercial says, "at today's high gas prices, ten cents a gallon really adds up."

That is a statement worthy of Yogi Berra.

And, though it may be a total non-sequiter, you can't deny the truth of it. I think that when raises come around at work, I'm going to propose that everyone gets 10 cents an hour more, across the board. When my boss objects, I will say, "At your salary level, 10 cents an hour really adds up." He's probably too dumb to realize that it adds up the same no matter whose salary we're talking about.

Of course it adds up! That's what number do! And they add up regardless of the price of gas. The additive property of numbers doesn't change with the economy. 10 cents a gallon will still be 10 + 10 + 10 and so on, even if gas prices drop. What's more, it would be a better deal at a lower price of gas. If gas is $2.50/gallon, a dime gives you a 4% savings, whereas, at $1/gallon, you would be getting 10% off.

If the woman said, "at today's prices, 10 cents a gallon is marginally less in savings," it wouldn't sell much gas, but I'd be more impressed with the advertisers.

How Did We Survive?

I just saw a reference to “Greenie Stickum Caps”. I doubt that many of my readers know what those are or appreciate what a technological advancement they were. Before stickum caps arrived, we had the tedious chore of loading a roll of caps into our guns. Mattel gave us the freedom to quickly stick individual caps on our fake bullets, fire away with our revolver – six times – and then peel off the used caps and stick some more on. That special Mattel gun even fired those Mattel plastic shells at a target (I’m sure my target – my sister – remembers).

Parents today don’t buy their kids toy guns because they think it’s a gateway to the real thing. If we hadn’t had toy guns, we would have just used sticks and pretended they were guns, so why not pay Mattel to give us better toys so we could save our imagination for other things?

Kids today are so overprotected. How did we survive? I’m sure you’ve seen that email about how tough the people who grew up in the 40s through 60s were, like this and similar ones like this.

The point of these nostalgic rants is that we rode bikes without helmets, rode in cars without seat belts, jumped off roofs, threw rocks at each other, ate Drano and no one died. It’s true! Have you ever read an email called “We didn’t survive” telling about being thrown from a car or being kidnapped and killed while hitchhiking? No. No one is typing blog entries about having their hands blown off or being blinded by firecrackers or being brain damaged by lead paint. If some kid rode his bike without a helmet and fell off, cracking his head open, THEN he got a helmet. And you don’t hear those drooling morons complaining.

We ate off asbestos plates, smoked unfiltered cigarettes at recess and tattooed ourselves with rusty nails dipped in lead-based ink and we all lived. How did we survive? Harry T. Roman got it right in his blog: (link up above) by being Christians.

“Know what else we survived? Having the Bible read to us in class every morning. It produced no religious zealots, or made us “prissies”. It gave us no guilt complexes, nor long-term hang-ups; and none of us had to have remedial time with the school psychologist. It did make us aware of right and wrong; and very few ax murders, drive-by shootings, or drug binges resulted. No rapes, molestations, or other such behavior.”

That’s right, no one was ever raped until they took prayer out of schools.

We survived without email or internet porn; we made do with the underwear ads in the Sears catalog or with the Playboy magazines that Jimmy found in his dad’s closet. We didn’t have “sexting” and crap like that so there weren’t all these teen pregnancies. Parents didn’t have to waste money on cell phones and such and were able to get kids better stuff; like the time Jimmy’s sister got to go on some year long trip, right before their little sister was born.

I miss those days when we could play with guns unattended while our moms smoked and drank. It didn’t hurt us. We survived. What was I saying? Oh yeah, Greenie Stickum Caps. Brings back Good Times. Let me tell you about how we survived...

To hear more about the things we survived, listen to Bill Cosby. If you can get this site to work, click on “The Playground”
(site may not work well)

Condoms or Credit Cards - What's In Your Wallet?

Ohio may become one of many states to restrict credit card advertising on state university campuses because “students are enticed to sign up for cards by free gifts” and then, presumably, are powerless to avoid debt, despair and destruction. The message is that credit cards are like heroin, which everyone, given the slightest opportunity, would OD on, assuming they were first enticed with free gifts*.

The people who think that keeping credit cards away from the kids is the way to stop them from getting in debt are the same people who think that “abstinence only” will prevent pregnancy and STDs.

Credit cards are a tool for monetary transactions. People are tempted to use them unwisely and get into trouble unwittingly. Taking the tool out of someone’s hand does not end the temptation or prevent future trouble. (Ironically, with sex, putting the teen’s tool in his/her hand DOES reduce the potential problems).

We put 16-year-old kids inside massive death machines and send them off to driver’s training so they can learn to use the car responsibly. But we can’t teach them fiscal responsibility? No, because spending money you don’t have is the foundation of our economy. We can’t trust the President to not put us irretrievably into debt, so how can we trust the college students who campaigned for his election?

By example, American parents teach their children that money does not grow on trees, it sprouts from the wall at the mall or from free-standing ATMs. During March Madness college basketball games, we have been bombarded with commercials enticing us to get a certain credit card because we can put a cute picture on it. We are likewise flooded with ads urging us to buy beer, but at least the beer ads suggest that you “drink responsibly” – and, though I’ve tried, you can’t drink beer you don’t have.

Requiring credit card pimps to stay a hundred yards from campus won't do much to prevent credit card debt among students. A better law would be one requiring parents and educators to exhibit and teach the students responsibility and moderation in all things including law making.

(*NOTE: I am aware that it is a true fact that "free gift" is a repetitively redundant phrase, indicating overextended word use by a person needing verbal responsibility and restraint.)

Our Top Story Tonight on Food Network News

70-year-old Elyria woman fights off 4 robbers with Emeril Lagasse pan: Bam!

I didn't know that newspapers were doing product placement drop-ins to raise money, but I hope it helps keep them in business.
Notice that they also specified the intruder's adult beverage of choice ("The robber's friend threw a bottle of Jack Daniels at the woman")

The story goes on to say that one man tried to grab the woman's Coach purse when she struck him on the head. The men then fled, but their Nike running shoes did not carry them far. The police nabbed them and took them to jail in Ford sedans. (I will accept any and all advertising fees from the indicated companies for those product mentions).

One thing the story didn't say was "Grandmother fights off 4 robbers with Emeril Lagasse pan." They state that she has 5 sons; perhaps they are all childless.

See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me

Gold Bond claims that their “Gold Bond Ultimate healing Skin Therapy Lotion” heals dry problem skin. When I heard their ad I immediately put that on my shopping list because I have dry problem skin on my right hand. Ha… and … ha; I hear what you are thinking. No, it’s because I prepare most of the meals around here and I clean up the pots and pans and kitchen counters afterwards. Do not be bringing your nasty thoughts into it.
The skin on one finger of my hand is particularly chapped and cracked – or it was. That lotion did actual heal the skin up, which other lotions never had.
It can’t be that Gold Bond’s healing lotion is so different from other lotions. I checked the ingredients on another brand my wife bought that never helped my skin. It contains, “Water, glycerin, dimethicone, petroleum, cetyl alcohol, stearyl alcohol, and so on, etc.” I looked at the Gold Bond Ultimate healing lotion. It contains, “Water, glycerin, dimethicone, petroleum, cetyl alcohol, stearyl alcohol, and so on, etc., Jesus, and trace amounts of other deities.” Ah ha! JESUS!
I figure the “other deities” are there for fragrance and color and it is the Jesus that causes healing. Sure enough, the other Gold Bond Ultimate lotion (softening) contains the trace amounts of deities but no Jesus.
But ingredients are always listed in descending order of quantity. Why is Jesus the next to last ingredient: why is there so little Jesus in the lotion? I figured if they increased the Jesus and cut the water, that lotion could go beyond dry skin and heal burn victims. With enough Jesus in the lotion, the blind could walk and the lame could see. But no – I realized (an epiphany)- for healing you need just a touch of Jesus.
Okay, I get that, but how do they have a product with Jesus AND water and NOT have the water turn into wine? It’s a FREAKIN’ SCIENTIFIC MIRACLE! That’s what it is.
Reading a little further, I noticed the advisories:
“WARNING: Keep out of reach of small children and atheists. If applying to a Jew, test lotion on an inconspicuous area first because it may cause burning and/or conversion.”

I don’t care-uh - and I am not worr-ied-uh.
I am throwing caution to the wind.
I am healing my blistered skin!
Brethren and sistern, I love this lotion
I testify to my devotion.
If you would like to get some of this miracle cream, send your love offering to the Little Blog Church of the White Creamy Gospel Truth.
Don’t make me holler, don’t make me shout.
Turn them pockets inside out.

Can I get an ame-lujah?

I Can't Swallow It

I am sure I am late with this riff, but I hope that. like me. you have not read other criticisms of Burger King's "Whopper Virgin" commercials, so that my comments seem fresh, never frozen. The premise is that Burger King prepares Whoppers and McDonald's Big Macs for some Fourth World people who have never sen a hamburger and ask which they prefer. If people in remote sections of Norway or Minnesota, who live on lutefisk, prefer a Whopper, don't you have to assume it is because the Whopper tastes most like dried fish soaked in lye? In someplace like Darfur, wouldn't, "Well, sir, my palate is attuned to a diet consisting primarily of dirt washed down with my own urine, so the Whopper tastes very, very familiar to me," be the likely response? I have eaten a Whopper and I haven't gone back. Why would the opinion of some communist in Romania change my mind?
PizzaHut has the opposite approach. Unfortunately their commercial is not on YouTube or any other video site I can find, but what they have just introduced is their "Natural Pizza". It features real tomatoes and real cheese and the tag on the commercial (now I'm going to have to wait to see it again to confirm) is something like "real pizza taste. Every time I see this commercial I can't help but think they are saying, "compared to the crap we've been selling you for years, this is actual food with actual flavor."
Somehow PizzaHut's honest comparison of their new product to their own inferior product makes me want to try theirs more than I want to try a Whopper.
By the way, blog vigins in Thailand who had no idea what a blog is and don't read English were shown my blog and Dooce and preferred the taste of my blog.

Please go to Humorbloggers and rate my blog with lots of stars and write a review if you wish.

Is the Pope Catholic?

My old pal, Duke, has an insightful and touching review of a commercial about a woman trying to save her child from the horrors of a public toilet.
I have not seen that one, but I will be watching for it. Because I have been watching college football bowl games (there are 34 of them this year), I have seen the same 5 commercials 20 times per game times 30 games (so far). There is one I never tire of: the ad for Charmin with the papa bear and son bear (no longer a baby) playing football. But something is horribly wrong. When the boy bends over to center the ball, dad discovers toilet paper fragments on the kid's butt. I am so glad that P & G has dared to deal with this terrible social issue. Visible Toilet Paper Residue (VTPR) when people bend over to present their ass to someone has ruined many a job interview, sales presentation or pickup in a bar or public restroom.
And think what it means to the small bear. He is already in therapy for the trauma caused when a young woman (perhaps trying to find an alternative to a public toilet in the woods) broke into his house, ate his porridge, broke his chair and wound up in his bed. He is still dealing with the recurrent dreams of finding a young girl in his bed. Now his parents, meaning well, trying to teach him to clean himself so he will not have problems later are giving him a fixation about TP residue; they chase him around the neighborhood, trying to clean his ass with a broom. But the paper continues to stick to him - their parental pressure has made him anal retentive.

Not Right Notion?

I received this email yesterday:

Dear Fellow Blogger,
It is my distinct pleasure, as the president of Americans for Limited Government, to invite you today to become a key member of the exciting new conservative “bloggers central,” NetRightNation.com.
At ALG, we recognize the critical role you as a blogger play in gathering, assimilating, and disseminating news and commentary. And I, personally, am deeply grateful to you for taking the lead in fighting some of the most important battles our country has faced over the past decade, and more.

"Me?" I asked aloud as I turned around to see if they were addressing someone behind me, "invited to 'conservative bloggers central'?
Have they read my blog? Have they read this conservative view? Well, come to think of it, that is about limiting government - limiting their intrusion into someone's personal life. And I am all about limiting government by prohibiting participation by anyone named Bush, Cheney, Rove, Alberto Gonzales, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld......
So I guess my "fellow bloggers" at NetRightNation are hitting their target market with the email.

Eat It!

I expect we will see this commercial a lot during the Olympics.



Cute, right?

Winning isn't everything. Sharing Happy Meals (R) together is much more rewarding than a trophy, right?

The message that came through to me is: maybe if the losers didn't eat so much junk food, they might be step quicker, a little stronger, and could have won that game. When you lose and someone says "Suck it up!", it does not mean "Cover your disappointment by scarfing down a load of grease and carbs," not that there's anything wrong with that.
(I had a big hamburger, some fries and a piece of bluebarry pie last night while sitting on my ass, watching the Olympics. Who am I to criticize?)

Read Olympian humor at Humor-Blogs.com and vote for my entries.