Monday, December 28, 2009

Words Are Flowing Out Like Weasles Screeching From a Paper Cut

Today I was listening to the last CD in the Beatles boxed set I got for my birthday.

The single version of "Across the Universe" came on just as I was about to enter the highway. Suddenly something went horribly wrong with my car's engine. There was the unmistakable sound of metal scraping on metal. I'd clearly thrown a rod or lost my bearings or mangled my flux capacitor.

I was wondering if I could make it to the next exit when i realized it wasn't the engine; the sound was coming from my speakers. This was not a serious a problem but still upsetting. The sound system in my Honda Element is excellent and I would have to get it fixed immediately. I wondered how much it would cost to get rid of that ear-piercing whine that was now ruining John Lennon's solo.

I figured out that it was someone else singing with John - either Yoko Ono or an actual beetle whose testicles were being squashed in a vice. Since the "voice" matched the one you can hear on "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill" (from the white album) I decided it was Yoko.

I hadn't known there was a single version of "Across the Universe" and I understand why. They would not have released it in the US without a warning about "offensive lyrics", in that the lyrics were sung in the most offensive way imaginable.

I don't know why Paul didn't learn from this. Have you ever heard this live rendition of "Hey Jude" which Linda McCartney sang the way I do it in my car?

What made Paul and John think adding their wives to the team was a good idea? Would Peyton Manning bring Mrs. Manning on the field to throw short wobbly passes? Would Tiger Woods bring his wife to a tournament to swing a few clubs and drive off his girlfriends? Would I bring my wife to work to miscount the beans or bring her on stage to blow the punch line to a bit? I think not.

Of course Linda ruined only a Wings concert. Yoko ruined Beatles songs, precipitating the breakup of the group. Instant bad karma.

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