Night of the Loving Dead

"’Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,’ … recounts the struggle of Elizabeth Bennet and her sisters to simultaneously annihilate the undead invading their idyllic community and to marry well.”

Jane Austen was a great writer and witty besides, so I would read her books without zombies, but, really. wouldn’t any story just be more fun with zombies? I liked the movie versions of Pride and Prejudice but I can see where zombies would be just the thing to turn a chick flick into a date movie, attracting more guys to share it with their girls. For example, I will never be found watching “Sex and the City”, but I would watch “Sex and the City and Zombies”, though those women have even more trouble keeping their clothes on than your average zombies draped in rotting funeral garments.

There are a lot of films considered chick flicks that I like but wouldn’t mind seeing these revisions:
“You’ve Got Mail and Zombies” (where Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly are both zombies but don’t know the other one is and so are embarrassed to meet) , “My Best Friend’s Zombie Wedding” (where the Zombie’s sing “I say a little prayer for you – we call it ‘grace’ before the meal”), “Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Zombies”, “Four Weddings, and a Funeral and the Undead”, “Sleepless and Walking Dead in Seattle” , “When Harry Met Sally and the Zombies”.

Then there are the girl movies I saw but wouldn’t see again unless there were flesh eating creatures from the grave thrown in: “Thelma and Louise and the Zombies”, “Bridget Jones’s Undead Diary”, “Fried Green Tomato Zombies”, and (adding undead and a a comma) “Dirty, Dancing Zombies” (“Nobody devours Baby in a corner!”)

Movies I have no desire to see unless the main characters are devoured by zombies: “”Waiting to Exhale and Exhume”, “Zombie Beaches” (careful with pronunciation), “The Undead English Patient”, “An Affair to Dismember”, and “Remains of the Day” (which retains its original title but is now set in a restaurant owned by flesh-eating zombies).

Put your chick zombie flick ideas in the comments.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing airplane glue

Ladies and gentlemen, we have experienced a bit of a problem, which has caused our rapid descent from 13,000 feet to 7,500 feet. We haven’t flown at this low an altitude since Lindbergh was alive, so we hope you appreciate the historic nature of this calami - - er, plane flight.

We assure you that the flight crew is debating possible options for a workable solution to our distress and we may go lower before we regain our normal cruising speed. The pilots have positioned us over the Grand Canyon to provide the illusion of greater altitude and, in the event of a final free fall to oblivion, more time in which to proclaim, “We’re okay so far!”

Currently the Captain is arguing that we should try “jiggling the flappy things, to see if that reverses the nosedive or whatnot.” The copilot says “that’s ridiculous, we need to dump all the fuel to lighten up this puppy and make it go higher.”

While they work out the technical issues, the flight attendants will be passing down the aisles with beverages and tainted peanuts.

If you look out the window you may notice some of the first class passengers bailing out of the plane with free parachutes provided by the airline. The airline feels that it is the higher fares paid by these passengers that put this plane aloft in the first place. So, even though it was these same passengers lobbying the pilot to perform risky flying stunts that caused our current trouble, the airline does not want to lose their business.

The remaining first class passengers will be bailed out as soon as we convince them that, no, they do not deserve free drinks anymore, because they have been naughty.

Some of you in coach will soon be unceremoniously “bailed out” without parachutes, but that’s life.

You will notice that the pilot has turned on the "fasten seat belts" sign because that will give you all something to work on, occupy your minds and provide a temporary mood stimulus.

In the event of a crash, free soup will descend from overhead. You will be instructed to bend over, put your head between your legs and kiss your assets goodbye.

Now enjoy our in-flight movie, “The Grapes of Wrath.”

It's Not Kosher Being Green

Denmark-based Agroplast wants to transform pig urine into plastic dinnerware and household items. I don't follow kosher food laws, but if one does, would it be okay to eat with utensils made from pig anything? Why pig urine and not cow urine? Would it be okay to use cow urine utensils with meat dishes, but not with dairy?

Of course, the company proposes making many "bioplastic" items, not just pig forks ("porks"), but the reporter focused on the eating utensils to create the maximum "ewwww' factor. They could also make plastic containers, which adds another dimension to my Passover "Tupperware" dilemma. Can I put leftover chicken soup in Piggerware? I am going to have to consult the Talmud on this one.

The strangest part of the story is near the end: "Agroplast says its farm-friendly chemicals ... can be used ...'as a flavor enhancer in cigarettes'". I'm not a smoker but I don't doubt that pig urine tastes better than cigarettes. Would pig urine in a cigarette make it taste like smoked ham? Does it make sense for a concept intended to benefit the environment to be used to make smoking more attractive?

I have so many questions, but it does seem like an exciting new frontier. I can see myself having this conversation with a recent college graduate:

Me: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Me: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Me: Pig urine.
Benjamin: That's two words, sir.
Me: Say it fast, it sounds like one. Pig urine.
Benjamin: Just how do you mean that, sir?