Swine Flew - UPDATED

“What’s the name of the organization raising the alert regarding the possible swine flu pandemic?”
“No, WHO is raising the alert.”

The multifarious global government reactions to the possible pandemic seem like an Abbott and Costello routine.
In Egypt they are slaughtering pigs as flu scapegoats. Please don’t tell them that the flu “combines pig, bird and human viruses”, though, if they do slaughter the humans, it would cut down on potential flu cases.

In Israel, one health minister has renamed the flu as the “Mexican flu” to avoid referring to non-Kosher animals considered “unclean”. This is not only ridiculous, it is also absurd. If eating pork is prohibited by dietary law, probably because it sickened people in Biblical times, wouldn’t labeling a disease with a porkish name make perfect Kosher sense? Oy, that Yakov! Such a meshuggahna kopf! It’s not like the word pork is prohibited. Or should we bring Litzman a shrubbery when we say the sacred name?

In Cincinnati, due to the swine/avian flu connection, our flying pig statues are being removed from sidewalks, parks, smokestacks, fountains and museums where people might come in contact with them. The Flying Pig Marathon has been cancelled as well. "The flu is a blend of avian, pig and human viruses," explained race official Cerdo del Vuelo, who asked to remain synonymous, "and our marathon combines all three, so we thought it best to cancel in the interest of safety."

In (probably) unrelated Cincinnati pork news, the owner of KT’s Barbeque is in trouble for installing a bikini-clad mannequin, named BarBe Q, outside his restaurant. He will fight to keep it because it attracts new customers, who become repeat customers after they taste the barbeque. “They come for BarBe Q, and they come again for their pulled pork,” he (might have) said. Officials vowed they would never approve his “sign” until swine flew. (5/14/09 - for an update on Kenny and Barbe, go here)

UPDATE: Breaking News from the Vatican: The Pope has forbidden the use of Pig Latin among Catholics worldwide. More as outbreak news breaks out.

BarBe Will Continue Hanging Out at KT's Barbecue

Click here to see video

I know all of you have been checking back here over the past two months, wondering what happened to Kenny and BarBe Q. (See previous stories: click here.)I apologize for not updating you immediately when the decision was rendered.

BarBe will continue to be allowed to wear the bikini top that hasn't fit her since 7th grade. Kenny has made tens and hundreds of dollars off the people who have been enticed into his barbecue mega store by BarBe; surely he can afford to get her clothes that fit properly.

In the video, several people state that BarBe's attire is no more revealing than that of real women seen in Reading. I've been to Reading and I think they are stretching the truth more than BarBe is stretching that top. But I'm a fan of Kenny and BarBe and I'm glad they stuck it out. It perked up his sales, though I imagine as the novelty wears off and it gets old, sales will droop.

Trouble With a Capital T and A

Cincinnati battled Larry Flynt.
The Queen City took on Robert Mapplethorpe.
We have established, time and again, that that sex stuff belongs in Newport, Kentucky, not in River City.
So how did Kenny Tessel think he would get away with the sex display in front of his business?

You will recall Kenny and his girlfriend BarBe Q from a recent post. Wednesday night, BarBe, dressed in a more modest outfit than her working attire, went before a review board to defend her job. "I ain't a ho or a street walker," she explained, "I can't even walk much. I am a spokesmodel and a classy broad. Kenny has made me an executive."

In some cities BarBe's professional appearance, quiet demeanor and obvious sales skills would have won the board over. But this is Greater Cincinnati. Oh, she gets to continue working the streets, but she must sell only Kenny's ribs and must not display her own

"she must dress more modestly. Her clothing must be 'appropriately sized' so 'nothing can be seen from the side'."

Actually, things were going well for BarBe until some carpet-bagging, out-of-town modest-clothing salesman stood up and said:

"Well, either you're closing your eyes
To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
By the presence of a mannequin in your community.
Ya got trouble, my friend, right here,
I say, trouble right here in River City.
Why sure I'm a barbecue eater,
Certainly mighty proud, I say,
I'm always mighty proud to say it.
I consider that the hours I spend
With some ‘cue in my hand are golden.
With a vinegar-based hot sauce
And a cool beer and homemade pie.
Ever take and try to get
A satisfying meal for yourself
From a topless restaurant?
But just as I say,
It takes wood smoke, brains, and decency to sell
In the barbecue game,
I say that any boob can flash
And pull a man into a shop.
And I call that sloth!
The first big step on the road
To the depths of deg-ra-Day--shun
……
Friends, the string bikini is the devil's playground!

Trouble, oh we got trouble,
Right here in River City!
With a capital "T"
That rhymes with "B"
And that stands for boobs!"

So now BarBe will be dressed more appropriately for Cincinnati. At least the t shirt gives her somewhere to wipe the sauce off her fingers.

Help Dress This Saucy Wench

Remember BarBe Q? She's the woman enticing people in KT's BBQ and Deli.

She has a commercial running locally that asks us to go to her web site and vote on what costume she should wear for Halloween. I am sure she would love to get voters from around the country.


(Note: the voting thing didn't work for me in Windows Explorer. I used Firefox.)