Santa Claus Is Coming To Court

Disassociated Press
January 12, 2009

Westchester County, New York - A lawsuit was filed today against Santa Claus on behalf of ten year old Morgan Deway. The Santa Claus suit seeks damages from Mr. Claus for pain and suffering resulting when Morgan discovered coal in his stocking which was allegedly placed there by Claus last month, on or about midnight, December 24.

The suit was filed by Morgan’s attorney, who is his mother, Carrie Deway, of the firm, Delight and Deway in Pencil Neck, New York. A copy of the court papers stolen exclusively by the Disassociated press, shows that the suit claims Morgan’s self-esteem was damaged beyond repair and his PJ’s were ruined by the coal dust. A spokeself for Santa has stated that the boy had violated a contract by "crying, pouting and shouting when it was clearly stipulated that had 'better not' do any of those things".

The Deways are also charging breach of contract, claiming Morgan did not receive the gifts he specifically requested both in writing and in a face-to-face meeting with Claus at the "Santa's Village" in Pencil Neck Point Mall.

Furthermore, Mrs. Deway has requested a restraining order requiring Santa to stay at least 100 yards from her son Morgan. The order charges that Santa has been stalking the Deway boy in an attempt to discern his proclivities toward naughtiness or niceness.

Reportedly, Claus has filed a counter suit charging that he has been harmed by Morgan Deway. Santa’s suit states that he has become obese by consuming fat laden cookies and egg-nog left out by Morgan Deway on Christmases Past. According to the lawsuit, also filed today, there was no warning label advising Santa that consuming the treats could lead to obesity, heart disease and damage to his sleigh due to exceeding the weight limit.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the nation, Republicans in the California legislature have submitted a bill that would deny Santa Claus the right to deliver toys in that state. The lawmakers said that Santa has been sneaking across the border for years with his toys, taking away delivery jobs that could go to US citizens and California taxpayers.

Democrats have answered that only illegal immigrant elves have been willing to do this delivery job which pays meager wages of snacks and cheap beverages. They have vowed not only to defeat the Republican bill, but to give Santa Claus free medical care and education for his reindeer in the public school system.

Stand Up!

John McCain proudly talks about how he has stood up to his own party leaders and he prises Sarah Palin for opposing corrupt leaders in her own party and getting them out of office. Senator McCain challenges Barack Obama to give examples of when he has stood up to his own party leaders.
Senator Obama's response should be, "John, why would I stand up against the leaders of my party whom you are reaching across the aisle to join because your party leaders are wrong and or corrupt by your own admission?"

Everybody's Talkin' At Me

So Sarah Palin, God bless her, won the debate last night by speaking coherently and regurgitating the talking points she had been fed without getting any on her shoes. She made clear, persuasive points such as this:

I respect Senator Biden - hey, can I call you Joe - for standin' up there and not attacking a mom of a special needs baby, also, and cryin' 'cause your kids died or almost died and all that also. I know you openly despise Barack Obama, doncha, and ya said so on the campaign trail, that he's not fit to shine your shoes (wink), and so I respect that also. You are sorta a maverick, but not a real Republican maverick like me and my hero, John McCain. Ya never took on your own, corrupt, despicable party like we have and ya sorta support Obama now, also, doncha? You are a great man who's been a little too long in the Senate, not like my hero John McCain also.
I am pretty passionate about the chance, if I am so blessed, to take over where Dick Cheney left off and add to the power of the Vice President also. That way, I can run a new Federal Department of Sayin' "Hey, Government, Get Outta Our Way, Wouldja?" also.
And, doggonit, I appreciate this opportunity ta speak directly to the moms and dads sittin' around the kitchen tables in America, also. I can give them the straight talk in a maverick way, ya know, not answering the questions asked, and without my questions bein' followed up on or bein' filtered through the liberal East coast media with their "gotcha" moments and all that also.
So, there ya go.

News Clips

The other night at the Republican convention they played a video tribute to Ronald Reagan. It started with a summary of his humble, working class beginnings. Then the narrator intoned, "Ronald Reagan never forgot who he was....until somewhere around the beginning of his second term." Well, maybe I made up the second part of that quote.

Meanwhile in Cincinnati, public school children are being assaulted by the rich, arugula-eating, golf elite. I found this quote interesting.

So far no children have been hit by errant golf balls, although some have flown over the playground and a few cars have been hit.

Flying children would seem to be more noteworthy than flying golf balls, but that's just my opinion. The children have been advised not to handle other people's balls. Finally, who is maintaining that playground?

If It's Not Something, It's Something Else

There is some concern now about John McCain's VP choice. It involves her family. It seems that Palin tried to get her former brother-in-law fired from his job as a state trooper. Then she fired the public safety director who refused to carry out her order. There are rumors about cover ups and special rules to get her cell phone records protected.
I admit this is not that big a scandal, but it seems that it would be the talk of the news shows anyway, as they speculate and insinuate and try to fill their hours of coverage. But they are not talking about that because they are talking about Palin's daughter being pregnant instead. Yes, sex trumps everything these days. It drives mere political corruption right off the front page.
Quite convenient, wouldn't you say? Palin supposedly had to announce the pregnancy to quash rumors that Sarah's own son was actually her grandson. I think the whole thing was carefully orchestrated. I'm starting the rumor that Sarah Palin encouraged her daughter to get pregnant in order to push that Troopergate story aside. It's perfect, isn't it? They get the girl pregnant. Then they start a rumor that Sarah's son is actually her grandson. Then they announce the pregnancy to prove the rumor false and they accuse the liberal press and Obama of having started the rumors. It's classic! I smell Karl Rove!
Plus, Sarah Palin gets to reinforce her pro-life stance by announcing that her daughter will not have an abortion. "We're going to keep the baby and call it 'Checkers'," she proclaimed.
You know what the really horrible part of this whole thing is: they called the state trooper firing story "troopergate." When will "gate" finally disappear as a suffix tacked on to every political scandal? Can't they think of anything new? What's more, the whole word "Troopergate" is not even original. Troopergate was already copyrighted by another politician: a man who lost his job after a scandal involving state police and abuse of power - after it, but not because of it. New York Democratic Governor Eliot Spitzer's Troopergate story was trumped by .... a sex scandal.

More Than a Woman

I tried to call John McCain and ask him about his choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate. I got this message:

OPERATOR
You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line, I mean hot line. All our advisers are busy explaining to Senator McCain that Sarah Palin will probably NOT agree to do the VP job for 75% of what he would have to pay a man. Your call is important to us, in proportion to your campaign contributions. Please hold for the next available spin doctor.

MUSAK
I go to the party and they’re all surprised to see
This beautiful lady, walking around with me
She hasn’t done much, but she’s on the right
And she looks wonderful tonight

For nearly two years now, she’s been Alaska’s head
She’ll take over the country, if I should wind up dead
People will ask me, “Will she do all right?”
I say, “Yes, she looks wonderful, tonight.”

OPERATOR
You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line, I mean hot line. All our advisors are busy explaining to Senator McCain that Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper, are the names of Palin's children, not her sled dogs. Your call is important to us, in proportion to your campaign contributions. Please hold for the next available spin doctor.

MUSAK
This was not the VP I planned
Not my intention:
Someone naïve, not a man
But our convention
Needs a bump, someone new
To take Obama on
Now I can use her to
Get some attention

I picked a girl and they like it
She’s pretty and she wears lipstick
I picked a girl just to hype it
I know my party won’t mind it
Just as so long
As she’s far right
Don’t hurt that she’s quite a sight
I picked a girl and they liked it
They like it

OPERATOR
You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line........

That's when I hung up.