Filling Our Drawers

When our daughter was very small, we added on to our house because there’s nothing better for a one-year-old than inhaling drywall dust and crawling around on splintered plywood and nails. Part of our new kitchen was a section of three drawers under the counter. In the big, bottom drawer that Allie could reach and open, we put all the Tupperware so she could play with it.

When I say Tupperware, of course, I mean random plastic containers which may have come from Tupperware or Rubbermaid or may have once contained Greater’s ice cream or Szechwan Wok won ton soup. Over the years we have discarded pieces and added pieces (we no longer have the plastic bowl that Allie would invert and wear on her head while riding her small, wooden scooter); over the years we have rearranged the cabinets and drawers. However, the plastic containers still are stored in the same drawer they started in, even though Allie can no longer reach them because she’s in Columbus, Ohio.

One of the things I love about New York City is that you can go out at any time of the day or night and see lots of people. The subways are running, restaurants are open, muggers are mugging. My theory is that the reason there are always people outside in NYC, is that there are too many of them to all be inside at the same time. They have to rotate.

My NYC theory was derived from observing our plastic containers (bet you didn’t see that coming). The discards and additions have produced a net gain in containers to the point where we are forced to prepare more food at any given meal than we can eat, so that we can put leftovers in a container and put it in the refrigerator. If we eat all the leftovers and wash the dishes, our container drawer is overfull. And God forbid we should put any containers in a different place and break an 18-year tradition. We have to have at least 10% of the “Tupperware” rotating from drawer to fridge to dishwasher at all times.

Passover is thus a problem. As Passover approaches we start to clean out the fridge to make room for chicken soup and charoses and also to get rid of chametz. Our refrigerator becomes a Pesach advent calendar as each day we open a new plastic container and, as George Carlin said, try to figure out if it’s something green turning brown or something brown turning green.

As we dispose of leftovers, the stock of clean containers becomes too great and the drawer is bursting. Some of these containers will have to wander in the basement for a while. Sadly, some of the containers are old and cracked and they… well, they will not see the promised land.

Everybody's Talkin'

Some years ago I attended a leadership retreat put on by my company that provided participants many tools to become more effective leaders in our company: personality and leadership style surveys, role playing games, excessive drinking around a bonfire, practical jokes played on the Sensitive/Introverts during the night. One of the important things we learned was the “12 Roadblocks to Communication”. We each got a playing-card-sized list of the 12 roadblocks summarized in one or two words. I still have that card on my desk to remind me that two of the roadblocks to communication are: 5. Using logic and 12. Using humor.
I am the grandchild of college math professors, the son of a CPA. Logic was The Force in my childhood universe. I majored in Economics in college; I was trained to use logic in the face of reality: “The laws of supply and demand tell us that, assuming individual consumers act rationally,….” A clearly flawed assumption that everything else we learned was based upon. I’m the CFO at an architecture design firm, if I don’t use logic, no one will.
When the logic voices in my head have their backs turned, the humor voices take over. So if logic and humor are out, I am Marcel Marceau. If a woman at work comes to me and says, “I feel like I will never reach the top of the org chart here because there’s a glass ceiling,” my inclination is to say “that’s not true; if there were a glass ceiling, women would be on the top floor and men would be below, looking through the glass to see up your skirts.” That is a totally inappropriate response under rule 5, using logic.
For me the number one – and only – roadblock to communication is this freaking list. Someone comes in and says, “Look, I’ve got the black, knit shirt and black jacket of a designer, I keep copies of “Architectural Pretentiousness Quarterly” on my desk, I use the word “green” as a modifier in every sentence I speak, and yet I get no respect. What can I do?” Logic and humor are out. I am not even supposed to 10. Sympathize, 4. Advise, or even 9. Agree, or 6. Disagree. I’ve only gone through half the list and I don’t know what the hell other kind of response exists.
I realize none of this entry makes any sense because I am a complete failure at communication. (Please respond constructively to that in the comments.)

True Colors

I have long believed that many of the world's problems, or at least conflicts, would go away if there was more inter-marriage. The more we blend together, the fewer differences we can find to fight over. But now the problem of people of different colors marrying has a whole new meaning and the inter-marriage deal isn't working. Fighting over color? Whatever happened to the rainbow coalition?
"Oh it's National Brother Hood Week, National Brother Hood Week...."

Beer Interrupted

I like beer. I don't drink alot of it, though. When I have beer, I usually have two - three if I'm interrupted. The first beer does two things: it takes the edge off your thirst and it acts as Pavlov's bell, so to speak. In young men, one beer leads to many and hijinks ensue. Many years later, a man's mind is still conditioned to taste the first beer and immediately expect, though not necessarily accept responsibility for, some kind of revelry. Another beer MUST follow. At a certain age, the second beer induces the same response as the second 5 minutes of playing a basketball game: "I need to take a nap."
With the second beer, you can sit down, relax and enjoy the flavor (unless you are still drinking the cheap beer you drank to excess in college). This is where the interruption comes in. You are sippping and enjoying, focused on March Madness or NFL playoffs or a replay of a classic world series and you feel "the presence." Someone is staring at the side of your face. Despite the signal in your head saying "if I don't look, she won't be there", the second beer has you in a good mood and you turn your head.
"I need to talk to you for a minute," says your wife/girlfriend/significant other.
Now, "I need to talk to you" is not as bad as "We need to talk."
"We need to talk" is always followed by legal action: either you are getting married or you are getting divorced.
"I need to talk to you" implies "you need to listen to me", but this is where some guys get in trouble.
You know how, when you install some new software on your computer, there’s that long legal contract and two little checkboxes – "accept" or "don’t accept"? Do you ever read the document? No. Because if you check "don’t accept", you don’t get the software; but you want the software, so you just accept it. When she says "I need to talk to you" those two boxes appear before you. And a woman always has something you are going to want later, so you "accept" without reading the contract you just agreed to. Later you are going to hear, "Why didn’t you _________ like I asked you. You said okay just two hours ago."
"Um, I wasn’t really listening, I was just watching the game."
This, as specified in the agreement you didn't pay attention to, is followed by, "We need to talk."
So, in the intervening two hours after that first interruption, have that third beer and try to get that good mood back again. Maybe have a fourth. You can still do it.

Project Run Away

Project Runway is prancing over to Lifetime after its next season. This is just wrong; Lifetime is a channel for women while Bravo is for everyone....everyone who likes watching shows with gay people - of which Project Runway has a fabulous assortment. Having Project Runway on Lifetime would set societal acceptance of homosexuality back ten years to a time when women kept all the secrets of gay men to themselves. (By the way, I am heterosexual, which I know, not because I am married - that proves nothing, just ask the former governor of NJ - but because I do comedy and I have the hots more for Nina Garcia than for Michael Kors)
But Bravo is there to make men like me comfortable with the gayness in our environment, hence, "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy." My only problem with that show was that they pushed men to use feminine (by which I mean excessive) skin care products.
Things like exfoliants. Has anyone here been alive long enough to remember the Viet Nam war? Forget that, did anyone here stay awake long enough in history class to learn about the Viet Nam war?
In Viet Nam they used Agent Orange as an exfoliant to take the leaves off trees to get rid of sniper hiding places. That’s all I know about exfoliants.
And women have too many kinds of soap. Men need only two kinds: soap soap and shampoo, and, really, I suspect we could get by with just one, but Proctor and Gamble has convinced us we need to get rid of dandruff to attract women.
Women don't use soap soap. You give a woman a bar of Ivory soap to wash her face and she’ll recoil at the thought that it might damage her skin.
Right. She'd use agent orange on her skin but she's afraid of soap? I don't understand women. That's why I need Bravo as a bridge channel to understanding. Project Runway should stay put.

Bad Grammar?

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Update

D.B. or not D. B.

If I Only Had a Brain

"Americans are as likely to believe in flying saucers as in evolution. Depending on how the questions are asked, roughly 30 to 40 percent of Americans believe in each."

Once again, Todd Snider has a relevant lyric:

"They say 3 percent of the people use 5 to 6 percent of their brain
97 percent use 3 percent and the rest goes down the drain
I'll never know which one I am but I'll bet you my last dime
99 percent think we're 3 percent 100 percent of the time"

A Shameless Plug For a Friend

When we lived in LA, our friend David came to live with us for a while. My wife had met David at IU. He was originally from Dayton, Ohio and left there for LA to try and get into show business. I told him I thought that Southern Ohio was an entertainment Mecca and a comedy gold mine. To prove it, my wife and I moved to Cincinnati, leaving David on his own. In some cosmic rebalancing of the universe, we had traded places and I ended up gaining fame and fortune writing short humor pieces for a radio star in Cincinnati. David struggled along writing music for the “Young and the Restless” (for which he won an Emmy) and eventually writing for some sitcoms. Now David has resorted to writing a book. Because I feel sorry for him and somewhat responsible for his plight, living in California, writing and producing sitcoms, I want to help promote his book. Besides, he begged me to do it, knowing that my vast readership of 3 or possibly 5 humans would respond. So go here and check out his book.

A Parachute and a Few Hundred Dollars Were All That They Ever Found

Looks like Todd was a little early (song from 1994) in calling the parachute find.
Will they ever see old D. B. Cooper again?

In "You've Got Mail", Joe Fox says "The Godfather answers all of life's questions. What should I pack for my summer vacation? 'Leave the gun, take the cannoli.'"
I believe Todd Snider has a lyric for almost all situations.
Dr. Suess covers the rest.