Short Stop In the Wry

I find it a poetic coincidence that the banning of a dictionary containing the definition of “oral sex”* came out in the same week as the death of J. D. Salinger who wrote The Catcher in the Rye, which "had the dubious distinction of being at once the most frequently censored book across the nation and the second-most frequently taught novel in public high schools” (Whitfield, Stephen J. "Raise High the Bookshelves, Censors!")

“Catcher” contained “what Catholic World reviewer Riley Hughes called an "excessive use of amateur swearing and coarse language".

I did not know that there was amateur and professional swearing. I wonder how I can get involved because, with all the practicing I do while driving home, I am sure I could go pro. I wonder if there is league play. Are there teams in my area? Can I make enough money at it to quit accounting?

And what is “excessive” amateur swearing? Wikipedia says, “One diligent parent counted 237 appearances of the word ‘goddam’ in the novel, along with 58 of ‘bastard,’ 31 of ‘Chrissake’ and 6 of ‘fuck.’ I checked with Riley Hughes and he said he would have been more comfortable if it were reduced to, say, 79 goddams, 19 bastards and 10 chrissakes and he would have been satisfied by a couple of random fucks.**

MSNBC's story reports that the real danger of a book like Catcher in the Rye and a character like Holden Caulfield was found by more inciteful sources such as the Christian Science Monitor: "Fortunately, there cannot be many of him (Caulfield) yet. But one fears that a book like this given wide circulation may multiply his kind - as too easily happens when immortality and perversion are recounted by writers of talent whose work is countenanced in the name of art or good intention." (I assume “immortality” is a misprint and the Monitor actually said “immorality”.

The Monitor is wise to understand that any young people reading about the sweet, sweet life of Holden Caulfield would immediately aspire to be acne-faced, angst-ridden, adolescent outcasts like him. Sixty years after the fact, they are proven to be correct.

Corroborating what school counselors have observed nationwide, a new study found that five times as many high school and college students are dealing with mental health issues as students that were surveyed during the Great Depression. (I can’t believe they wrote that without even a winking emoticon).

I blame it all on Catcher in the Rye. Ironically, Holden Caulfield, who wanted only to protect children from the stresses and despair of adulthood, has lead generations of young people into depression.

J. D. Salinger said that Catcher was semi-autobiographical. Obviously Salinger had his own mental health issues, which show up in his other stories as well.

In “A Perfect Day for Bananafish” the adult Seymour Glass stands in the ocean with a little girl and tells her about bananafish, which, he says, are "very ordinary looking" when they swim into a hole, but once in the hole, eat so much they cannot escape. Freud says sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but I say a bananafish is a penis and Seymour Glass is a pervert. I imagine Seymour invites the girl back to his blanket on the beach so they can lay down and watch the submarine races.

In another story, young Seymour throws a rock at a girl’s face because she is so beautiful that it disturbs him; therefore, it must be destroyed. Salinger’s real life treatment of women and his own children does not do anything to counter balance the troubling elements of his stories.

His work was either highly praised for his portrayal of disaffected youth or highly criticized for the “excessive amateur swearing” and descriptions of Holden’s wanton “immortality”. Somebody should have tried to get Salinger help rather than laud or criticize the language of despair.


*personally I found it more shocking that a student actually used a classroom dictionary in the internet age.

** I previously told about my grandmother counting goddams in the book, though she quit after finding too many on one page for her sesibilities.

Damn Favre

The play, Damn Favre, opens with a scene in 1977 St. Cloud, Minnesota, when the Vikings lose their 4th Super Bowl out of 4 tries. An aging Brett Favre mutters that he would sell his soul to the devil for one Super Bowl victory for the Vikings before he dies. As soon as the words come out of his mouth, he is greeted by Satan himself, who claims he can make Brett’s wish come true. The Devil agrees to give Joe until the last quarter of the NFC championship in January, 2010.

Satan gives Brett a circuitous route to his goal, making him a young high school phenom from Kiln, Mississippi. Brett considers dropping out of the deal but Satan summons his seductive right-hand girl from hell, Deana. Once the ugliest woman in 18th-century Kiln, Lola sold her soul to the Devil for eternal youth and beauty.

Favre becomes a Green Bay Packer and a hero to many except the Vikings. Beginning to doubt that he will ever lead his beloved Minnesota team to victory, Favre tries to retire but is tricked into staying in the game by piles and piles and piles of cash.

Finally at age 40, Brett Favre joins the Minnesota Vikings and takes them to the playoffs. Brett’s regrets are long gone as he realizes his deal allowed his aged body to hold up through a grueling season. But he should know that the Devil never allows anyone to succeed. In an attempt to cheat Favre, Satan starts a rumor that Brett threw three potential championships while in Green bay, in 2003, 2004 and 2008, by forcing bad throws. Brett vows to clear his name.

The Devil believes he can keep Brett in the game and cause the Vikings to lose at the same time, creating excitement and controversy which will kill several Viking fans who will end up in his dominion.

The time limit on the deal expires and Brett Favre becomes every bit of his 40 years and throws a game losing interception that not only kills his dream it also secures several new souls of New Orleans fans who made deals to get their team in a Super Bowl after 40 years of frustration. “See how I set this all in motion 40 years ago,” he gloats to Deana. “Favre should have known a guy in league with me couldn’t beat the ’Saints’. I learned a lot from that whole ‘Damn Yankees’ debacle 50 years ago!”

Arguably a Move to the Right on Rights

The Supreme Court Right-wing of the United States (SCROTUS) has ruled that corporations cannot be prevented from paying for advertising supporting political candidates.

The case before them started when a federal court ruled that “Hillary, the Movie” was actually a campaign ad against Mrs. Clinton and therefore subject to campaign financing limits. The makers of the film petitioned the SCROTUS with a brief that said, “Look, it has the word ‘movie’ right in the title; that makes it a movie." Opposing attorneys argued that, if that was sufficient grounds, then “Hannah Montana: the Movie” would be a movie and not a 102 minute commercial for Hannah Montana merchandise.

The conservative majority of SCROTUS was predisposed to rule in favor of the film makers but had to make it appear to be a fair trial, so they watched the entire Hillary and Hannah Montana films with their hands manacled to their chairs so that they could not plug their bleeding ears or try to scratch their own eyes out. After being forced to endure that ordeal they were doubly mad and decided they needed to go further than just ruling in favor of the Hillary filmmakers.

So the SCROTUS, unable to find a way to bring Roe v. Wade into this, found some old campaign finance limitation laws they didn’t like, overturned them and set them on fire. Videos of the incident taken by onlookers show that Scalia and Roberts seemed especially gleeful at obliterating the McCain-Feingold law; analysts believe the opportunity to further humiliate that moderate loser, John McCain, gave the justices raging woodies.

The basis of the SCROTUS ruling is that corporations are individuals for purposes of applying 1st amendment rights to free speech. There are precedents for this view in previous decisions so it is nothing new. The reasoning behind it is that the first amendment gives individuals the right to associate and not have their free speech hindered by the government. Corporations are a form of association and therefore protected. The SCROTUS should have made a distinction between not-for-profit corporations: associations of like-minded people serving some shared, specific agenda and for-profit corporations, an association of unrelated investors providing goods and services for a profit who might seek to influence elections for their own monetary gain. (The corporation which made the Hillary film is not-for-profit, so the opportunity was there, but the conservatives associated for the specific intention of overturning laws they didn’t like, and therefore slipped that distinction right on by.)

As sort of an aside, I think the majority erred in including this reasoning: “(3) because speech itself is of primary importance to the integrity of the election process, any speech arguably within the reach of rules created for regulating political speech is chilled.” The SCROTUS should avoid defending anything simply because it is “arguable”. Every case they review is arguable or else it wouldn’t come before them. Listening to the arguments of the two sides more or less defines what the SCROTUS does.

Well now that the SCROTUS has reinforced the notion that huge, profitable corporations are individuals, the Court has a couple more controversial cases coming before it. In the State of Connecticut v. Mr. And Mrs. Behemoth Insurance, two insurance companies, denied the right to merge by anti-trust laws, seek the right to marry and form a family.

The case of the State of New York v. Slick Oil, Inc., stems from a ruling that Slick Oil, Inc. is an individual who acted in self-defense when he shot and killed a rival oil company attempting a hostile takeover. Slick Oil was nevertheless convicted and jailed for illegal possession of guns. The case before the SCROTUS argues whether that Slick Oil had 2nd amendment rights to keep and bear arms.

Expect to see similar cases as long as the current makeup of the SCROTUS continues.

The Devil Went Down to Haiti

Some people think Pat Robertson is crazy. But he seemed fine when I saw him today. We had breakfast at Mom's Country Cholesterol and Vegan Home Style Diner. Over some roasted red pepper hummus and chorizo omelet’s, I was up in his face about this statement he made:

“And you know Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, uh you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True Story. And so the Devil said ‘OK, it's a deal.’ And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other.”

How would you even know about this pact with the devil?

And Pat was all like, "Now, JohnnyB, did you listen to the broadcast? I said, 'True story.' And I don’t lie; that’s a sin. I was just playing pool with Satan yesterday... "

I was like, "Wait. What? You were playing pool with the devil?"

"Sure, it's like the police and bad guys in the movies. We have some professional respect for each other. Off-duty, we hang out a little. The next day, when I clock in, I’ll do everything I can to shut down his operation – you know, collect money from true believers, hire someone to improve the graphics on ‘700 Club’ broadcasts, and whatever.

“Anyway, we were playing pool and the news comes on about Haiti and, right in the middle of lining up a shot, he stands up and starts watching the TV. He cocked his head toward the TV, looked at me and said, ‘Dude! Nice work, eh?’

“I responded, ‘Oh, no! You did that?’ and he told me about the deal, and I rebuked him, saying, ‘I am going to have to bring you in for this one.’

"And he replied ‘No way. Statute of limitations, man. They made the deal over 200 years ago.’

“So there is nothing I can do except pray for the people of Haiti.”

Really, I said to Pat, but it’s so harsh that the people in Haiti 200 years later are cursed this way. They had nothing to do with the deal.

“Oh, my, you are mistaken about that, JohnnyB,” Pat insisted, “those are the same people. True story. Everlasting life on Earth was another part of deal.”

Everlasting, I shrugged, subject to earthquake, hurricane and such.

"Tsk, tsk, no, those are God’s punishments for the Haitians making the deal with Satan. Just as God punished the homosexuals and liberals in New York with 9/11. Just as God punished the sinful people of New Orleans with a hurricane (with unfortunate collateral damage to cities and states in the general vicinity). Kanye West’s opinion’s of George Bush aside, it’s God who hates black people and gays.”

We finished up and I dropped a tip on the table. Pat picked it up and said, “God has told me that our waitress is a very slutty girl. She kissed some other girl at a college party. As punishment, she is cursed to go tipless. I will use this money in my work.”

Yeah, Pat was totally on his game this morning.

Pat's statement and his possible mental illness are not really funny. The disaster in Haiti is not a joke either, it's a horrible tragedy. Please pray for the people of Haiti but also consider donating to Doctors Without Borders, the Red Cross or other organizations trying to actually help the people of Haiti.

I'm Level 5 Pisstified!

“F the offseason, this is some bull droppings, i am supposed to be in meetings right now, im level 5 pissed=finding out side girl is pregnant.” The Cincinnati Bengals lost their playoff game Saturday and are thus in the offseason earlier than intended. Still, they had to go to team meetings yesterday. Their great wide receiver and only source of entertainment lately. Chad Ochocinco, FB posted and tweeted about how this made him feel.

Obviously Chad was pissd off to level 5 and giving an example of what level 5 is that everyone can relate to: your side girl is with child, and, presumably, it’s yours. But, it seems that a few of his fans/followers misunderstood. Shortly thereafter Chad had to explain, “Being level 5 pissed is like finding out your girl is cheating with your best friend, people yall dont understand my pisstivities yet! 1-5.”

I guess not everyone got that because a few minutes later Chad had to add, “some folks are so slow thinking someone is pregnant, geesh im using examples to show my level of pisstivity!!!!! “. So offseason team meetings = side girl pregnant = your girl is cheating with your best friend = people are slow to understand your post/tweets!!!!!! The only thing that remains is to clear up whether the hypothetical side girl is hypothetically pregnant from you or the hypothetical best friend – I mean, are those two different pisstivity levels?

I am curious because this pisstivity scale has is a very practical tool for letting people know how upset you are about something. However, I need to develop my own personal pisstivity level definitions. I am about as likely to have a side girl as I am to be an NFL team member at a post-season meeting. I think being the latter would increase my chances of having the former but I’m really not looking to have a side girl because it would push my wife’s pisstivity off the scale, pregnant or not.

My levels of pisstivity, 1-5, with one being the lowest, would go like this:

Level 1 – I packed a lunch for work and left it at home. This is not so bad, because I can just go out for lunch and bring that packed lunch the next day. But I’d be more pissticated if my wife ate the packed lunch.

Level 2 - Someone used last of TP in stall in restroom at work and did not get a new roll out of supply closet. At some point this probably would have been level 3. However, I’ve learned to check the rolls every time I go in now so my connection with the pisstication is farther removed and thus mitigated. Maybe I need a new level 2.

Level 3 - Someone in left lane going same speed as person to the right and refuses to allow others to pass. This is a former level 5 that I have learned to cope with and calm myself down.

Level 4 - Computer glitch loses 1 or more hours of work. At this level, there’s plenty of pisstivity to go around. I’m pisstified at Bill Gates, I’m pisstified at the computer manufacturer, I’m pisstified at out IT guy even if it’s my home computer, and I’m pisstified at my wife for no specific or good reason at all.
Invariably, whenever a computer glitch does lose all my work, some one will say, “Well, you have only yourself to blame, you should have saved your work as you went along.” And, THAT, my friends and followers is my Level 5 of pisstivity.

If your dog gets run over, I’m not going to go up to you and say, “Well, you shouldn’t have let him run into the street.” No, I’m going to try and comfort you. When I lose all my work, confronting me with my own failure does not correct the situation, it only ratchets up the pisstivity. You need to soothe me and point out the ways that Bill Gates, the manufacturer, the It department and my wife are responsible for this tragedy.

By the way, today Chad came out with a new one: “My level of pisstification has exceeded my 5 levels of pisstivity at this point which I've now chosen to call my anger NUKE mad<-COD.” I’m working on identifying what would put me at that level.

And, oh god, please Chad, don't be pisstified at me for writing this.

Leno No Longer In Prime

Hot Freak Style News
updated 4:12 p.m. ET, Sun., Jan. 10, 2010
PASADENA, Calif. - NBC said Sunday it decided to pull the plug on the Jay Leno experiment when some affiliate stations considered dropping the nightly prime-time show. The affiliates reported that the local news shows following Leno had lost viewers since his show began.

NBC wants to put Jay Leno back at 11:35 with a half-hour show. The aging comedian's viewers skew older and, given their failing mental faculties, they have been forgetting to tune in at 10:00. "Instead of Jay leading them into the news, what we need is that old reminder from the local news anchors at 11:30 to stay tuned for Leno," said NBC Universal Television Entertainment Chairman Jeff Gaspin.

Leno's repositioned show will be called "Jay Leno Past His Prime Time" so that Conan O'Brien can retain the "Tonight Show" brand. However, in Gaspin's plan, "The Tonight Show" would start at 12:05 a.m. and, as SNL Weekend Update anchor Seth Meyers said, "it's a little weird to start the `Tonight Show' at a time when it's no longer tonight."

NBC stated that they had no show ready to replace Jay Leno in the 10 - 11 p.m. hour but affiliates said that would be fine, "even dead air would lead more viewers in to the news than what we have now."

Harry Reid Apologizes to Whites and Racists

Hot Freak Style News
updated 5:12 p.m. ET, Sat., Jan. 9, 2010
"WASHINGTON - Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid apologized on Saturday for saying in 2008 that Barack Obama should seek — and could win — the White House because Obama was a 'light skinned' African-American 'with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.' "

Senator Reid said he regretted "the assumptions I made about the prejudices and bigotry in this country." Many white Americans were not satisfied with his comments.

Glenn Beck, of Fox News, said, “Speaking on behalf of my cadre of teabaggers and Obama haters, we resent Senator Reid’s insinuations. His remarks suggest that we would not vote for Barack Hussein Obama because he is black or because of the way he speaks. In fact, we opposed Obama without any real thought process at all, simply because he is a socialist fascist who hates white people and who we knew would destroy this country, as he has.”

Sarah Palin was alone among Republican leaders in accepting Reid’s apology. “One of my PR guys read the story to me and it says Harry ‘apologized for saying Obama should seek the White House.’ Right on, Harry, you should never have encouraged him. Course, some of the other stuff he said makes no sense. Geezooey, how can he say Obama is “light-skinned”? John McCain is light-skinned – like a corpse. I’m light skinned – because I live up in Alaska, doncha know. Barack Hussein is darker, no doubt about it; don’t apologize for calling a spade a spade, Harry. And Obama doesn’t speak real common people American like me and Todd; he speaks like a big-city, intellectual, Ivy League Negro. You betcha.”

Several white separatist and supremacist organizations issued statements of outrage, angry that Reid’s remarks were referred to as racist. “That black-loving Senator was supporting Obama. His comments were about his assumption that racists would not be as put off because Obama is not 100% black and doesn’t talk ignorant like most of them. That was a outright lie. We are the racists, not him; and we wouldn’t vote for anyone with one drop of Negro blood. We will not accept his apology without acknowledgment of who the real racists are.”

Reid defended his remarks, explaining that, “What I meant by saying he he doesn’t talk like a Negro is that he does not kowtow to Wall Street or big pharma because he is predisposed to be deferential to ‘Massa’. He does it because it is politically expedient, just like I do. And that’s why I encouraged him to run.”

President Obama downplayed the controversy, remarking, “I don’t hold no grudge against the man. No suh! Mr. Harry, he always been good to me. He all right.”

Short People Got No Reason

If you are out and see people taller than you, be sure to remark to them about it. People much over 6 feet tall apparently are unaware of their freakish height and need to be reminded frequently just how much they stand out.

It’s not necessary to go into much depth. You can simply ask, “Dear god, how tall are you?” When the person answers, be sure to challenge it, saying, “Really? That tall?” because people of height are generally ignorant and/or untrustworthy.

It also suffices to just say something like “My, you are so tall,” and then comment to someone else, “He’s a tall one, isn’t he?” This is best when the tall person is a teenager and you are the unbelievably old adult friend of the person’s parents or a senile aunt.

If you happen to see a tall young female under 20 years old, do not bother to even address her directly. You should just comment loudly to a friend, “Christ, did you see how tall that girl is?” It helps if you snicker afterwards to make sure your point is clear that she belongs in a side show.

One thing you should not ask a tall person is, "Do you play basketball?" They all do.

Next week: How to humiliate poor people.

Act Now, Before Your Tubes Are Tied Up

If you can read this, there is still time. I am selling off portions of my spectrum and you need to get some now, before the interweb wireless tubes become so clogged you can no longer contact me to negotiate what, at that point, will be exorbitant prices for my piece of the ether.

“U.S. wireless companies are running out of space.” Mock Ted Stevens all you want; he was right: “the internet is a series of tubes” and those tubes are going to get filled. To help alleviate this, the FCC has proposed rules to allow “a wireless provider holding licenses for more airwaves, or spectrum, than needed can more easily lease that spectrum to another provider.”

You must realize that this does not increase the number of tubes or the size of those tubes. When the tubes are filled, your wireless communication is going to get jammed up in there, no matter how nicely the providers are sharing. And that is where I can help you.

As the owner of a Blackberry and a wireless modem and the financial backer of a college student, I figure that the wireless providers supporting all our devices are estimating some given amount of usage for each device when they lease their share of the spectrum. I, however, won't ever use as much as the average spectrum consumer and I'm willing to sell some of my spectrum to you.

It’s not that I can’t use it; it’s just that I can’t handle it. Last night I was using my wireless connection to figure out some hotel reservations. At the same time, on Facebook, I was simultaneously playing chess and chatting with my daughter’s boyfriend. Meanwhile, on gmail, my daughter was iming with me while my niece was emailing me. I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

What’s in this deal for me is that I can tell them, “Hey, one at a time; I sold most of spectrum in order to pay the daughter’s tuition and we have to go back to communicating as we did in the dark ages of the 20th century, with telephone land lines and snail mail from the US Postal Service.” What’s in it for you is more spectrum

At least six times now I have used “spectrum”, a word I didn’t even know about (in the context of wireless communication) before I started writing this. I was just getting used to “bandwidth”, which, up until last year, I thought referred to the size of the red indentations my love handles develop where the elastic on my underwear digs into my flesh.

The fact that I don’t know anything about spectrum doesn’t mean I can’t sell it. I will bet you that half the people working at Sprint can’t tell you what “3G” means, but they can convince you that you must possess it. I am also figuring out ways to acquire more spectrum.

I swore I would never buy that digital book reading device, the Kindle, until it came out in paperback. Or maybe I would just go to the used digital book store and get some other people’s cast offs. But now, savvy investor that I am, I am buying up Kindles by the bundles. That means that some wireless provider is setting aside a massive amount of spectrum to handle my book downloading needs. I have to assume that a whole book takes up more space in the tubes that several months’ worth of Facebook status updates or twitter tweets. All that spectrum they are leasing for my needs, I will sell to you.

Don’t think that this is some doomsday, 2012, prophetic scam. This morning I tried to get on twitter and got the message “twitter is full. Too many tweets. Twy again later.” I am not kidding. I know, you are wondering why I was on twitter. See, the deli down the block from where I work tweets their lunch menu every morning and that way I can see if it’s worth walking a block in the snow to go there.

That being the only use I can see for the service, I can’t imagine how twitter could get “full”. It must have been Chad Ocho Cinco and Meghan McCain that brought it down.

I’m’a give Chad a call and see if he’s interested in buying up my surplus spectrum. So, if you want some before it’s gone, tweet me at johnnyb144 and let me know how many tubes you need.

The Book of Outis Makes Zero Sense

I recant my previous post. The second decade of the 21st century HAS begun. Some people wrote to me and argued that numbers start with zero, so the 21st century had to start with 2000, and, thus, the 2nd decade of the century starts with 2010. Though their logic is incredible, it did not convince me.

Instead, I recant my previous post based on what I read in the Book of Outis, which precedes Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in the New Testament Bible. Outis was the zeroth apostle and this is the gospel according to him:

Chapter 0
0: Joseph approached the front desk of the Inn and spoke unto the manager, whose name plate identified him as “Thomas.”
1: “Thomas, my friend, er, wife, um, Mary, just now gave birth in your manger. The conditions there are not exactly ideal. Are you sure there are no actual rooms in this inn?”
2: The manager held out his hand and instructed Joseph, “Observe the vacancy sign, which is unlit.”
3: “Yes, well, what if three wise kings were to arrive from the East. Would you have a room for them?”
4: “Of course, I would give unto them our finest room: room zero, with three king size beds.”
5: “Ah. Sorry to tell you, Thomas, the kings are not coming. Okay, actually they are coming; but it will take nearly two weeks of wandering from afar. So may we have their room until then? After all, the baby IS the son of God.”
6: “Yes, so you told me last night. I have been in the inn business since 30 BC and have heard many stories,” Thomas said, doubtfully.
7: The manager turned aside Joseph’s plea. “Your little family seems quite comfortable in the manger. The cattle are lowing and it soothes the baby. See? No crying he makes.”
8: Joseph made to strike the manager but God restrained his hand. Joseph relented and turned to go back to the manger.
9: The manager called out to Joseph, “Wait. There is the matter of your bill. You need to give me 12 shekels in advance for the zeroth week.”
10: Joseph reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out his checkbook. He wrote out the amount and signed it. “What is the date?” he inquired.
11: The manager consulted the calendar and exclaimed, “Well, what do you know! Yesterday was the last day of zero BC. Today is the initial day of a new century in the new era: AD."
12: Joseph inscribed upon the check, “01/01/01”.
13: The manager muttered to himself, “Foreigners!” Then he spoke unto Joseph, “Sir, today is day zero of zeroth month of zero AD. Please write ‘00/00/00’ on your check.”
14: And Joseph did as he was bidden and went out of the lobby.

So there you have it. The first century started with year 0 and therefore ended with year 99.

(Nativity painting from Jennifer Smith)