More Than a Woman

I tried to call John McCain and ask him about his choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate. I got this message:

OPERATOR
You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line, I mean hot line. All our advisers are busy explaining to Senator McCain that Sarah Palin will probably NOT agree to do the VP job for 75% of what he would have to pay a man. Your call is important to us, in proportion to your campaign contributions. Please hold for the next available spin doctor.

MUSAK
I go to the party and they’re all surprised to see
This beautiful lady, walking around with me
She hasn’t done much, but she’s on the right
And she looks wonderful tonight

For nearly two years now, she’s been Alaska’s head
She’ll take over the country, if I should wind up dead
People will ask me, “Will she do all right?”
I say, “Yes, she looks wonderful, tonight.”

OPERATOR
You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line, I mean hot line. All our advisors are busy explaining to Senator McCain that Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper, are the names of Palin's children, not her sled dogs. Your call is important to us, in proportion to your campaign contributions. Please hold for the next available spin doctor.

MUSAK
This was not the VP I planned
Not my intention:
Someone naïve, not a man
But our convention
Needs a bump, someone new
To take Obama on
Now I can use her to
Get some attention

I picked a girl and they like it
She’s pretty and she wears lipstick
I picked a girl just to hype it
I know my party won’t mind it
Just as so long
As she’s far right
Don’t hurt that she’s quite a sight
I picked a girl and they liked it
They like it

OPERATOR
You have reached the John McCain, WTF VP pick hottie line........

That's when I hung up.

Superstar Finale

Barack Appears at the Stadium

CROWD
O bama
Hey bama, bama, bama O bama
Hey, bama O bama
DNC, DNC, please unite for me
bama, O bama
Hey superstar!


Gee, Barack, Gee, Barack
You talk the talk, can you walk the walk?
Gee, Barack, Obama
Do you think you’re all they say you are?

Superstar Act Three

Hillary addresses the convention:
(UPDATE: This was the speech Hillary had prepared. After I posted it, we had a little talk and she agreed she needed to deliver a more supportive message. That's why you didn't hear this last night)
I don't know why you love him.
How can I now support him?
I've been changed, I’ve been shortchanged.
I thought I owned this party for myself,
And you picked someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves you.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And we've had so many men before,
In that White House place
Why get one more?
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I bitch and moan,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, behind the fool,
I let Bill run the show.
He screwed me so.
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he made me VP,
I'd accept, I’d act flattered
I could do “hope”. I’ve lived in Hope.
I'd hide my pride, tuck it away
I would be next in line
I’d bide my time
I would be fine
I’d win next time

SUPERSTAR ACT TWO

(scroll down to the previous entry to see act one)

The media hound Barack at the convention

MEDIA
What's the buzz?
Tell me what your platform is?. (Repeat 8 times)

OBAMA
Why should you want to know?
Do not ask about the taxes
Do not ask about health care
Save policy for tomorrow;
Put Ted on display up there.

MEDIA
What's the buzz?
Tell me what your platform is. (Repeat many times)

OBAMA
I could give you facts and figures.
Even give you plans and forecasts.
Even tell you where I'm going.

MEDIA
When do we pull out of the Middle East? (Repeat many times)

OBAMA
Why should you want to know?
Why are you obsessed with timing?
Times and dates I can deny.
If you knew the path we're riding,
You'd understand it less than I.

MEDIA
What's the buzz?
Tell me what your platform is. (Repeat many times)

INTERNET GROUPIE
Let me donate to your campaign a bit. (Repeat 5 times)

OBAMA
Groupie, that is good,
While you prattle through your news cast,
Where and when and who and how,
She alone has tried to give me
What I need right here and now.

MEDIA
What's the buzz?
Tell me what your platform is. (Repeat many times)

Jesus Christ, He's a Superstar

Just as the convention opens, Hillary Clinton takes Barack Obama aside:

My mind is clearer now.
At last all too well
I can see where we all soon will be.
If you strip away The myth from the man,
You will see where we all soon will be. Barack!
You've started to believe
The things they say of You.
You really do believe
This talk of You is true.
And all the good I've done
Will soon get swept away.
You've begun to matter more
Than the things You say.

Listen Barack I don't like what I see.
Like John says, You’re just a celebrity.
And remember, I've been waiting my turn all along.
You have set them all on fire.
They think they've found the new Messiah.
And they'll hurt You when they find they're wrong.

I remember when this whole thing began.
No You on top then, but maybe V P, man.
And believe me, my admiration for You hasn't died.
I never had any of that anyway
Far as I know, You are okay
I don't like You but, really, I tried
Hawaii, your famous son should have stayed a great unknown
Like His father herding goats He'd have made good.
On TV news, You'd look good, reporting the weather, man, in Your 'hood.
You'd have caused nobody harm; no one alarm.

Listen, Barack, do You care for Your race?
Don't You see You must keep in Your place?
We are Democrats; have You forgotten how far down we are?

I am frightened by the crowd.
My supporters are so loud.
They’ll abstain if You go too far.
If You go too far....

Listen, Barack, to the warning I give.
Please remember that I want us to live.
But it's sad to see our chances weakening with every hour.
All your followers are blind.
Too much change is on their minds.
It was beautiful, but now it's sour.
Yes it's all gone sour.

Listen, Barack, we're about to begin.
Please remember I've the best chance to win.
C'mon, c'mon
Give the nomination to me ...
C'mon, c'mon
Give the nomination to me ...

You Just Hold Out Your Hand

Was it just poor training that caused Darvis Patton to try to hand off the baton to Tyson Gay's foot?
Was it a jinx?
Is Darvis foaming at the mouth or is that a can of Redi-Whip, whipped topping in his hand from which he just shot a dollop into his face?
Or is he just happy to see Tyson?

Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?

Some years ago I realized that I could either write and perform comedy well or I could do accounting and finance well. I could not do both well - and, as I am sure you realize, that was the option I chose.
You only have to suffer the bad writing (like some long over-wrought, West Side Story/Brett Farve saga parody that few would want to slog through)you don't get to see the accounting.
Recently, though, I've been somewhat immersed in that part of my life, trying to maintain the delusion of my employer that I know what I'm doing.
So I have not been able to craft the hilarious bit about the Bengals rehiring Chris Henry (see "Legal Troubles"), not that anyone outside Cincinnati cares about that. And everyone inside Cincinnati is currently poised over the the PortiaLynn Commode, coughing up the last of their vain hopes that the Blue Fairy will ever turn Mike Brown into a real, live football owner; so they won't read this either.
Nevertheless, I will share my imaginary conversation between Coach Marvin Lewis who said that the Bengals have no use for Chris Henry and Mike Brown who is "The Redeemer".
Coach: Henry was arrested for assault.
Brown: He was cleared.
Coach: Only because it was a hung jury.
Brown: Chris didn't hang them, it was someone else. He just happened to be in the room.
And that witty observation could have been part of a very funny bit, if I had time.

Don't Wanna Discuss It

These were the "Other Stories of
Interest" on MSNBC the other day:

Why Edwards' campaign gave his mistress $14,000
Russia warns Poland over U.S. deal
Cubs top Braves despite Kotsay's cycle
Boyfriend gets 2 years in prison for killing cat
Analysis: War shows Putin still in charge - Exodus
Too young? Preteen girls get bikini waxes - Discuss
Jackson Browne sues McCain over song use - Pitfalls
Noisy sex gets man banned from home

Which of these did I find the most disturbing?
"Analysis: War shows Putin still in charge" has the entire story contained in the headline. It is mildly disturbing because it doesn't even merit the label "analysis"; it's more along the lines of "stating the bleeding obvious".
The story of the cat being killed by its boyfriend is disturbing but, once gays were allowed to marry, we had to expect that was the next step down the slippery slope.
The Cubs beating the Braves despite one of the players having "a visit from Aunt Flo" and the noisy sex man ban (who banned him? his partner? his cat?) both made me curious, though not enough to read the stories.
Jackson Browne suing John McCain over using one of songs worries me (see title of this blog). Bill even alerted me to this. It was the only headline I clicked on to read more about.
In the end, though, the most disturbing headline is "Too young? Preteen girls get bikini waxes - Discuss" Discuss? Gross. What sort of perverted chat site would that link me to? Still, what really disturbed me was the concept of "preteen" girls getting bikini waxed. Doesn't "preteen" sort of suggest that there is nothing there to wax? I don't want to discuss it.

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Wanted Dead or LIVE!

This is a sad story. I, in no way, want to make light of someone being killed, even if he was a politician.
What drew my attention to the story was a link that said "Arkansas Democratic Leader Shot Dead." "Shot dead" always sounds odd to me, possibly because I am the sort of geek who can slide right past the human tragedy and become obsessed the vagaries of English. If he had not died, there is no parallel construction to describe his condition: one can be shot dead or shot to death but never shot wounded or shot to woundedness. One can be shot and live to tell about it but one can not be shot live. Unless one is a reporter.
Reporters are constantly being shot LIVE! It bothers me when a reporter says, "So, Jim, thousands of people are dead as a result of this disaster and many more are missing and presumed dead. I'm E. Norma Stouchbag, LIVE, on the scene with Channel 1 News." To me, that has the same mocking tone as "I ha-ave ice cream and you-oo do-on't." It's "I-i'm ali-ive and you-oo are-en't."
What's the big deal about being LIVE, anyway? Maybe back in the day, when sending moving pictures through the air to a TV studio and broadcasting them through a TV box was akin to getting a competent leader to run for President (i.e. nearly impossible) it was worth promoting. But now when everything is broadcast LIVE, even when the reporter is standing in front of an empty building in the dark after whatever stuff that went down, already went down hours ago, it seems superfluous at best to announce it every stinking time.
Maybe every time a reporter says that from now on, they ought to shot to injury.

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Fake Sky Walker

The Beijing opening ceremony was "enhanced" by insertion of animated, pre-recorded fireworks footprints. What is even worse is that the young girl with the beautiful voice was not the girl we saw. They put some "cute" little girl out there instead because "The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feeling and expression."
Now all the broadcasts emanating from the Olympics are being tested for image enhancing animation. Coverage of men's synchronized diving may be banned because "the announcers comments were enhanced with far more animated response than could possibly be generated by such an event."
NBC has been accused of misrepresenting Cris Collinsworth as an Olympic sport analyst as opposed to a football color commentator. However the network was cleared when it was determined that putting Collinsworth on the team does not enhance the presentation; it is more of a "doping" violation.

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